This journey for me has been terrible, emotional, angry, bitter, painful, and filled with jealousy. I hold out for hope month after month and my hopes are shattered with the dreadful words "your blood work is negative, I'm so sorry". I'm sorry too! In sorry for so much time lost sitting in a doctors waiting room, I'm sorry for all the needle sticks I made my body endure, I'm sorry for the cysts that occurred because of them, I'm sorry I wasted time on bedrest while my abdomen filled with fluid and my ovaries swelled to unrecognizable sizes. I'm sorry to my husband who had so much strength, love, hope. I'm sorry that my patience didn't match his, that my heart filled with furry while his filled with grief watching me suffer, watching my body react to the medications, the large quantities of hormones. My dreams of becoming a mom slowly becoming a fading photograph. The bitterness of not being rich enough to afford ivf. The jealousy of those who can afford it. The jealousy of those who have multiple children, the jealousy of those who didn't want babies but so easily conceive. Why not me? What did I do, what can I do? I'm so very sad, so empty, so lonely. There is a hole in my heart where I used to hope to be a mom, I'm praying I fill that hole. Now before you tell me to adopt, because I would in a heart beat, know that adoption is very expensive, even more so than ivf. Adoption while a wonderful thing, is also a heart wrenching process. Children are sold to people who genuinely want them, the prices are astronomical and the adoptive parents are put through the ringer with house checks, relationship checks, and required classes, it's exhausting. Then you are to select a possible match, a baby that might one day be yours. You pray that after going through so much, spending so much money and being emotionally drained the birth mother doesn't change her mind at the last minute. The process is scary to me, not only the financial blow, but there is no gaurentee that the baby will come home with you. Innocent children have prices on their head, white babies for 30,000, Asian for 20,000, mixed babies 10,000 and then black babies 5,000! I was heartbroken. Society is already a judgemental place that our innocent children are exposed to. We allow babies to have a value based on their color? How absolutely sickening. Oh we shouldn't forget about the county kids. Beautiful children who have lived in horrible conditions who were ripped from their families, reintegrated back and then pulled away again. These kids have attachment disorders and emotional stress, for these kids the government will pay you to take them! How sad. Horrible!! We are so concerned about helping other countries, starving children, battered women, but we rarely help at home. We ship food and supplies out of the country but we have kids and adults dying of starvation daily. We charge astronomical prices for health insurance and I by no means think everyone should get it for free, but I believe that everyone should have the opportunity to be cared for and have a shot at health. We need to educate our youth on diet and exercise sooner rather than later. We need to encourage good decisions from the start, we need to make fast food healthy food, or eliminate the need for rushing, fewer hours in the work day and more spent with family, making memories and a life. Once we die we're dead, our shot is over and we can't get it back. We need to live and love as much as possible while we can!
I love this story! It melts my heart and gives me hope;)
"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!
The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!
Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think,"Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please."
The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh"Yes, life just couldn't get any better."
The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think,"Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."
Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think,"Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.
You ask the waiter,"Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies,"The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too,"Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think,"Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."
Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert."Why" is all you have to lean upon.
You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder,"Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says,"I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."
You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting,"Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake."It will make me fat" one says."Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.
As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.
Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you."We knew it would happen" they say."You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away."Something is wrong" he says."Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."
There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.
He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.
As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.
After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter,"Will you take it away"?"No, this one was made especially for you."
You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration."How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says,"Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big"Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.
You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.
In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.
You grab your husband's hand and sigh again,"Yes, life just couldn't get any better."
This story reminds me of how I feel month after month. Now often times I get angry with myself and feel like I'm being rude simply because I don't want to discuss my treatments, my sorrows, the heaviness of my heart. I try to share with family and select friends, but the more people who know my business the harder it gets each time a treatment passes with no success. I not only have to hear the news, but I have to relive it again and again. Its emotionally draining, and I've decided I'm done sharing for now. Its what I need to do for myself, so that I don't feel like I'm letting everyone down all the time.
Aside from letting people down, not very many people truly understand what I am feeling or going through. Unless you have traveled down the ugly dark road of fertility treatments, you can not relate to me or to how horrible this all is. Some stories help, but most only cause me more pain. Hearing how someone you know had the same problem, but they were able to get pregnant doesn't give me hope, it makes me want to cry! Why not me, life simply is not just, am I just learning this? Besides everyones body reacts to things differently. Everyone experiences things differently and I know getting pregnant for some is easier than for others. Although I love the support, I also don't at times. Sometimes I want to crawl into my bed and burry my head. I want my dreams of becoming a mother to get closer, not further.
Many of you will ask why don't we just keep trying on our own? The answer to that is quite simple. We have had two miscarriages, I am broken, something is wrong with my body that the doctors are unable to fix. They don't know what it is. Im sure maybe one day after years of trying Matt and I will get pregnant on our own, but without the help and monitoring of a fertility specialist we will most likely loose another baby, and that is something I am not willing to do ever again if I can prevent it, which I can at this time.
Instead of stories, millions of questions, and advice please pray for me. Pray for Matt and I. Pray that if its in God's will for us to have children that we will someday be parents. Pray also that if its not in his will that he will settle my heart and help to fill that empty space. Pray for peace, hope, and strength, and most of all pray for my relationship with Matt as this has been a struggle for us both.
Good luck to you all! Live well
I love this story! It melts my heart and gives me hope;)
"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!
The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!
Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think,"Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please."
The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh"Yes, life just couldn't get any better."
The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think,"Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."
Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think,"Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.
You ask the waiter,"Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies,"The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too,"Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think,"Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."
Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert."Why" is all you have to lean upon.
You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder,"Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says,"I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."
You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting,"Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake."It will make me fat" one says."Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.
As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.
Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you."We knew it would happen" they say."You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away."Something is wrong" he says."Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."
There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.
He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.
As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.
After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter,"Will you take it away"?"No, this one was made especially for you."
You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration."How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says,"Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big"Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.
You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.
In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.
You grab your husband's hand and sigh again,"Yes, life just couldn't get any better."
This story reminds me of how I feel month after month. Now often times I get angry with myself and feel like I'm being rude simply because I don't want to discuss my treatments, my sorrows, the heaviness of my heart. I try to share with family and select friends, but the more people who know my business the harder it gets each time a treatment passes with no success. I not only have to hear the news, but I have to relive it again and again. Its emotionally draining, and I've decided I'm done sharing for now. Its what I need to do for myself, so that I don't feel like I'm letting everyone down all the time.
Aside from letting people down, not very many people truly understand what I am feeling or going through. Unless you have traveled down the ugly dark road of fertility treatments, you can not relate to me or to how horrible this all is. Some stories help, but most only cause me more pain. Hearing how someone you know had the same problem, but they were able to get pregnant doesn't give me hope, it makes me want to cry! Why not me, life simply is not just, am I just learning this? Besides everyones body reacts to things differently. Everyone experiences things differently and I know getting pregnant for some is easier than for others. Although I love the support, I also don't at times. Sometimes I want to crawl into my bed and burry my head. I want my dreams of becoming a mother to get closer, not further.
Many of you will ask why don't we just keep trying on our own? The answer to that is quite simple. We have had two miscarriages, I am broken, something is wrong with my body that the doctors are unable to fix. They don't know what it is. Im sure maybe one day after years of trying Matt and I will get pregnant on our own, but without the help and monitoring of a fertility specialist we will most likely loose another baby, and that is something I am not willing to do ever again if I can prevent it, which I can at this time.
Instead of stories, millions of questions, and advice please pray for me. Pray for Matt and I. Pray that if its in God's will for us to have children that we will someday be parents. Pray also that if its not in his will that he will settle my heart and help to fill that empty space. Pray for peace, hope, and strength, and most of all pray for my relationship with Matt as this has been a struggle for us both.
Good luck to you all! Live well
