Bringing grace...

Today has been a wonderful day. I didt get great sleep last night, perhaps thinking too much about too many things. I finally drifted off and was eager to get to today. I woke up earlier than I wanted, but on the bright side I sleep until 7:30! So that's really nice. I gave Harvey lots of kisses fed him and then gave him fresh water. Then I headed out to the barre. I talked to daddy on the way and he told me he was excited to meet me for breakfast with Grammie and then had a surprise for me;) I love and hate surprises at the same time. I do like treats, I mean who doesn't like a little something special? But surprises kill me, I spend my whole day wondering what my treat might be, what do I want? If I could pick a treat what would it be... I was excited!

At the barre the first person I saw was Brittany, my favorite instructor. She is a Wonderful woman of God and is such a joy to be around. On my days when I feel helpless and Sad she is what drives me to get up and get my best work out on. She is so enthusiastic and bubbly. She pushes me harder than I want to push myself. I am thankful for the friendship I have in her.

Breakfast was nice, and afterwards we wend to Kohls and Daddy spoiled me. It was nice to get a few new winter outfits. I love cold weather clothes because Im pretty much always cold.

Saturday was really nice, Jen came out to huntington beach and we went to barre. She did really great and liked it a lot. I would love to have a room in my house one day to workout in. That would be so cool.

We took Harvey and Brooklyn to the park and they ran around. They always have a lot of fun together. They are so cute! After the park we went out to lunch with Grammie, Papa, Daddy and Jen. It was nice to be together, but we had terrible service. Oh well.

That night Grammie and Papa came over for dinner. It was fun. Its nice to be near family.

I just got off the phone with my Grandma, you are going to love her. She is such a sweet and cool person, and we love having her in our lives.

There are so many things on my mind today. Today a friend reached out to me and told me she was having a hard time getting pregnant. I referred her to Dr. Potter and she made an appointment. Im very excited for her and her family. I will be praying for them. Although its a hard time for me perhaps Im here to bring some peace, wisdom and some grace to others. Until I get my own grace, I will do my best to share and encourage others.

I am very blessed by my families love, Matts love and also the love I receive from my patients every day. God is good.

Speaking through me..

I've been feeling unsteady in my faith lately. A lot after the second miscarriage and even more so each day I work only to find a new child and family suffering. My faith is shaken by the reality that innocent children suffer long and brutal deaths fighting cancer a horrific disease until they take their last breath. My heart questions the lord and his goodness when he allows us as nurses, the people who are supposed to help these kids Poison them with toxic chemotherapy drugs day after day. I see their hair falling Out, Their pillows covered in hair that was one day beautiful hair. Hair of all colors and textures the chemo has no favorites it takes all kinds. I see kids in pain, their bones hurt, their stomach's are so nauseated that they are unable to even look at food. They heave their insides being ripped out with each lurch of vomit. Their immune systems are weak and they are susceptible to something as innocent as a the common cold. Their bodies are limp, pale and frail. Their parents hearts break a little each time they look at their new child. Their picture of the perfect family is now hidden in the back of their mind. A perfect family is a distant hope and now the only picture a parent can see is one that contains their sick child in it.


This picture is my daily reality, Through this I strive to see the goodness in this life, It has been hard these last few weeks but today it was very apparent to me. I was driving to dog park with Harvey beside me when I was praying for Keven, a patient of mine who is really sick and is getting ready to go to transplant. He has been pouring his heart out to me a lot lately and we have been sharing a lot of time together, in conversation, in meal encouragements, and also in studying for him to pass his drivers license test ( A goal he has for when he goes home prior to transplant). I routinely pray at home for him, but today I felt like God was asking me to reach out to him and pray over him. I did, and Keven was so happy. He thanked me and told me that he knew God could help ease his pain better than any medication could. He was so happy to be prayed for and thanked me endlessly. I though how simple was that, and how good did it make me feel afterwards... I promised him that I would continue to pray over him when the opportunities allowed and that I would offer any support he needed in this tough time in his life. 


That's when it hit, my mini epiphany, my reason for being, my purpose, my life. Tough time. That was it. I was able to love Keven and provide some of Gods strength just by praying for him. I thought about my own tough time, and thought wow Ive been able to pray for a lot of people lately. I have been used at work in a lot of rooms, with a lot of kids and families. I prayed with Keven, I prayed with a newly diagnosed family over them and their baby, I prayed with Jeremy, and I pray for so many kids routinely without even thinking much about it. 


I pray for my coworker Barb who's is pregnant, I prayed with her while she was trying to conceive, then I continued to pray for her while she went to Dr appointments, while she went through personal struggles and life's unexpected happenings. 


I prayed out of joy when I found out another one of my friends was pregnant. I prayed for happiness and safety for her and her baby. I prayed for her family and for our friendship. I prayed for strength in this situation because I was happy but also sad. I prayed that I could and would offer support, encouragement and happiness. 


I prayed for my friend Andrew and his wife as they try having a baby. I have just been a prayer bee...


Life is weird, funny, sad, unbelievable, and crazy all at once. I guess this is how God is deciding to use me. He gave me a past with opportunities to help better someone else in their future or help them maybe through a tough time, or an exciting time. I pray that God will help me have an amazing time, I pray that he will reward me and help me in my own life, in my journey with him, in being a better nurse, and person, and also in the dreams I have of one day being a parent. 


It's hard to believe in a higher power when so much is by luck or bad luck rather. It's hard to believe that cancer, murders and miscarriages are fate. Fate feels like it should be good, just and filled with the lords goodness. As I help others in their lives and in their faith I pray that God uses himself speaking through me to strengthen my own faith in him. 


I feel lost and need him to shine his light on the path home. I want to hear his voice telling me where to go and what to do. I don't want to make decisions or not know, but I suppose thats just a part of life. 


So hard. Still praying for that miracle. You never know, God did some pretty amazing things back in the day, I know he still has it in him. 


We shall see. 


Praying for faith. 

Towed Away...

Today Mommy woke up to Daddy, he said, "Babe, something bad happened" not the best way to start my day off at 5:15 in the morning. I was looking forward to sleeping past 6am, going to barre, walking Harvey, and being very productive. God had other plans for our day though. 


I knew instantly that Daddy's truck had been towed. He has a bad habit of leaving it in front of the garage. Our neighbors warned us many times about doing it, they had their own car towed three times. We stayed calm, called the local police department and tried to find Daddy's car. It was a lot stressful for him, for many reasons, first being that Im sure he felt like a nerd, second he was late to work, and third it was really expensive. 


After getting his car out he had to go straight to work, Harvey and I came home and we went back to bed, then we got up walked and then decided to tackle the house. Its been a long time since I did a real deep clean. It looks great. You would be shocked to see how much hair I vacuumed. 


Tonight Im going to cook dinner for Daddy, and then he will have to go back to work for two days :( He wont be home until Friday. I work tomorrow and then have a few days off to enjoy.


Love you bug

Up here giggling

I'm sitting upstairs listening to Daddy downstairs. He is yelling, shouting, clapping. All noises of happiness. He's watching Notre Dame play football. It seems funny to me upstairs though because I didn't really grow up with TV. When I moved in with my Dad I would watch movies like the parent trap, Father of the bride, Notting Hill, and such, but we never watched TV. In high school it was weird not to watch TV,  all of my friends did, so I tried to listen to the shows they watched or the movies they liked. I watched some movies for the first time at Jenny's house. I slept over there a lot. We liked Rommy and Michelle's high school reunion. We had so much fun when we were younger. We would eat so much food, and have such a wonderful time. I played volleyball with Jenny. We have been friends since the 10th grade. She is so smart, sweet, and funny. She just recently bought a house with her boyfriend Eddie. Its so cute!!! I can't wait to visit it again. Franny was  a lot like me, she didn't have TV growing up and rarely watched movies. We can relate to not being in the movie loop and we laugh with each other when we for the first time see an older movie. 


We just got back from hiking peters canyon with Grammie. It was really nice, it was such a beautiful day, not too hot, and just beautiful. We went about 5 miles. Afterwards we ate yummy tacos and then went to Joe's Italian ice for desert. They have ice cream there for dogs and Harvey just loves it. Grammie got a swirl 50/50 cone, Daddy got his favorite jolatti bada bing cherry and I got a half vanilla half chocolate malt. Yummy. Now I'm ready to tuck myself into bed. Daddy wants me to cut his hair but I'm pretty exhausted so we will see. I'm trying to convince him to shave his icky mustache off. Lets hope we can. Well love I wonk for the next two days so I'm heading to bed. I love you!

Parents

Today I thought a lot about parents. There are so many of them in the world. Good parents, ok parents, and bad parents. We are surrounded by them. At work I am amazed by the parents. There are so many wonderful parents who are so supportive and so loving to their children. They are going through such tough times, their world is completely changed and jeopardized and yet a lot of them have the ability to push through and provide the nurturing their kids need. When I think of parents at work I think of my patients parents, I think of  parents that are willing to give their kids love, patience and commitment. Parents that spend endless hours at work just so that they don't have to leave their child alone. Parents that help us change diapers, linens, give medications and help the kids eat. Parents that support each other and life spirits during the uphill battle to recovery. Such amazing parents. I think of people I see as my parents at work, i see Angela who is like a mother hen and is always willing to help, listen and love. I think of Karen who is similar to Angela, she always puts her whole heart into everything she does, she is one of the most thoughtful, generous people I have ever met. I think of Erika, who is so motherly and nurturing. She is so willing to listen, offer arms to hug you with, and words to comfort. At home I think of my parents, my Dad, Jeanne, and My Grandma Gwen. I think of my Mom, but not usually when I think of parents. I think of how cool my Grandma is and how much I love sharing my life with her. I think of how calm she is and how much love she has for each one of us. I think of Jeanne, who loved me always as a kid, who taught me so much about being a lady, a women, and a lot about being a mother. She has given me so much love and encouragement. I think of my Dad who I just looked up to so much. I though how wonderful he was and how he was such a hard worker. I loved getting to spend time with him. I would go to home depot, paint the garage, wash the car, anything just to hang out with him. I think of Matt's parents, who are now my parents too. I think of how loving and interested in our lives they are. I think of how they take interest in the activities we do and try to do them so that they can share more life with us. I think of the kind words and thoughts they always have. The support and encouragement they offer, and the hugs they are always more than willing to give. There are so many parents. I think of God also when I think of parents. I don't really think of him as father, more of dad or papa. Father sounds stern, and although I know he can be stern in my life I feel like I need him to be soft like a papa or daddy. I need the comfort of an easy and approachable name. I need the welcome feeling that accompanies his name. 


With so many parents I pray that I can take the best from each of them and offer my children a wonderful mother. I hope to be fun, hip, loving, stern, and compassionate. There are so many hopes I have. I cannot wait to have kids. Id love to have my own children, but until then I am really enjoying other peoples. I love all of the sweet children at work. I enjoy so much learning new ways to talk to them and to treat them better. I love watching the parents work their magic and skills to achieve a task that I have seen other parents be less successful at. I love learning from them. 


Today was a great day. I went to barre in the morning and my favorite teacher was there. I spent some time talking to her after class. She is such a strong and lovely person. When I came home Harvey and I went for a walk. Afterwards Matt came home for lunch which was a really nice treat. We took a little nap and then I met Brooke for lunch. She is such a cool person. She is a nurse and has spent a lot of her time in Haiti helping others. Her stories were inspiring, exciting and uplifting. It made me really appreciate all that we have here in the states. We are so lucky for so much but easily overlook it on a daily basis. Id love to go visit her someday. It would be crazy cool. Fingers crossed, working towards it. 


Matt just got home. Were going to watch a movie downstairs together and then have dinner and maybe go for some Joe's Italian Ice later. We love it there. We have only gone one time, but it was really fun. They have doggie ice cream and Harvey loves it! 


Love you!

A lot of work

We have a lot of work to do. Not that we have been slacking, because we have not. We have been so busy. Daddy has been working a lot and we really miss him at home. I have been working too, and during my free time I have been battling insurance companies, secretaries and billing managers. Its been a long and hectic journey, and I'm praying it will all be worth it in the end. 


Today we met a new Dr. Right a way I got a different feeling from him and also his office staff. His secretary was amazingly kind, she always had a wonderful attitude on the phone and provided me with so much attention and care. She is the perfect front face to the office. We already like her. The Dr, was nice also, He really likes football, USC in particular. Men! Daddy had to work today again so I went alone to meet him. Daddy would have liked him though because he related a lot to football. There were a lot of tests he wanted me to have done. He said he didn't like treating patients like he was a detective solving a crime. He didn't want to guess and assume. He wanted to have all the facts before making a decision otherwise it could all end up being a waste of time if we were to miss something. There are about 15 things I need from lab tests, to a yucky glucose tolerance test, to chromosome testing, to ovarian and fallopian studies to sperm analysis, to..... yeah a lot! I could go on, but that would be extremely boring. Some of the tests are time specific so I have to do things on certain days of my cycle. Talk about a pain in the butt. The Dr. said he felt confident getting me pregnant and most importantly keeping me pregnant!!! Fingers double triple crossed. He said that he wanted me to stay with him until I am 12 weeks pregnant, then he will refer me to someone who can take care of me, I will be a high risk pregnancy. We already knew that though. Silly body. I am hoping the tests all look good. He said we will try the easiest methods of baby making first, unless my body tells him that we need to jump straight to IVF. We will see. 


I am working on my relationship with God more, I'm trying not to be as distant and mad at him. I'm trying to love him completely and trying not to need to understand him. I am doing my daily devotionals which I haven't done for a year now! That's such a long time. Harvey did them with me. He puts his head on a pillow while I read the bible to him. Hes so sweet. Melts my heart! Cutie pie. 


I'm also re-reading the book The Shack, the author is an amazing man who overcame so many challenges in life and was able to share his love of God with others. So cool. So admirable. 


Today I am trying to be thankful for all the gifts that surround me. I am thankful today to be alive, to have had the opportunity to meet a new Dr. To have insurance that will help me afford to get all of the needed tests done at a reasonable price. I am thankful for Matt who is a hard working, loving husband who is so kind and generous. I am blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful and caring friends, namely Franny, Erika, Jenny, Jen, Vicki, and my love Harvey. Although he doesn't speak his presence is enough to fill my heart with joy and my face with a smile. He always wants to be around me and is always more than willing to take me on a walk. 


I truly am blessed. I pray that God uses me in life to do good for him. I am not praying for things that I want anymore rather I am praying that if God wants something and he feels like including me in that something I would be honored. I am working at being a better person, friend, daughter, wife, nurse and Harvey's mom. 

Paul Young said something in regards to his relationship with God and it really melted my heart and made me think. He said "God wants to heal us, not help us cope" What a wonderful realization. We need to be free to be healed completely. I love it!


I love you my sweet angel inside my floating ovaries. Please stay safe and when you decide its a good time to join our little family stick like crazy glue to my inside. 


Love you,
Mommy

Block Parties & Best Friends

We had our annual block party at my parents house last night it was really fun. We played beer pong, flip cup, and danced a bit. We drank a lot which was good and bad. Poor Jenny was feeling sick today. I drank beer, which I usually don't do, but I did and it was fun. Everyone had a really good time. The boys were running around, my parents seemed happy and so did my Grandma. It was nice to see smiling faces. 


Franny came home this weekend which was such a really nice treat. She really is such a wonderful person and is so easy to talk to. We both had pretty hard weeks and it was nice to be able to share my sorrows and grumpiness with someone other than Daddy. Fran is such a positive person very much like Auntie Jen. She told me that right now life is hard and that we need to encourage each other to see the good that we have and be happy for what we have because we really have so much. 


Harvey has been napping all day. He ran up and down the street during the block party. He had so much fun. This morning we went for a nice walk by the coast with Jen and Fran and then had breakfast at Eddie and Jenny's. They are so stinking cute. They just bought a house and they are so excited and so proud of it. It really is a beautiful place and they have been working so hard at fixing it up. I'm so proud and happy for them. 


Daddy is at work today. He is such a good worker. He is so smart, kind, loving and sweet. He is the best Daddy to Harvey. He is such a wonderful husband even though sometimes he really bugs me. I am working on seeing the best and believing it. Daddy needs to be told how wonderful he is. I think sometimes we worry that if you let someone know how much you love them, they might take that love for granted, but we decided that we would tell each other a lot. Its good for both of us to hear. 


Well little one I work tomorrow morning. We are having a holiday potluck, I'm bringing a salad. Yummy I made eggplant parmesan tonight. 


Love you

Soccer

Today has been a good day so far. I woke up and went to the gym which I really love doing. It was really hard and my legs were shaking so bad. I love that!!! My stomach still hurts and the cramping is still pretty bad, but I'm doing a little better. After the gym I met a friend, Erika for lunch. We ate burgers at islands. It was really nice. I told her a lot about myself and my life, which I don't normally do. Erika is such a wonderful person who I know you will love. I know she will be in my life for a long time. She and I just clicked. There are people in life you will see  who you just connect with, she is one for me. She is not only a great nurse but also a really great mommy. She has a 2 year old, his name is Noah. What a great name huh? so cute! 


Daddy and I are on our way to see his cousin Robbie play soccer, it will be my first professional soccer game, I suppose I'm excited. Ha ha I'm not a huge sports person and I really don't like loud noises especially when I'm feeling so moody and achy. I'm going for Daddy though because he wants me to. It will be fun Grammie and Papa will be there as well as Aunt T and Daddy's Grandparents. So cute! 


Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. We are going to lunch with the Penny-Robidarts which will be a really nice start to the day. Afterwards we are going to the block party on our street at my parents house. It should be really fun. I'm excited. Harvey will get to come. He loves being around people so I'm excited that we are going to be able to bring him. Another exciting thing is Franny is flying home. She is on a plane right now. We weren't sure if she would be able to catch a flight but she did and she will be here tonight. I'm so happy to see her and spend time with her. She is such a wonderful friend to me. 


Well have a good night and stay safe where ever you are. This week will be busy. We are going to meet a new Dr. and also I'm getting my hair cut...

Workin

So I've been working. Work has actually been therapeutic in the sense that it keeps me occupied and that leaves me less time to feel sorry for myself or mad at anyone. Don't get me wrong there are times I walk into the restroom and am like yup its true there is not longer a baby growing inside your tummy and I want to cry, but I have been strong. 


Tonight I walked Harvey, his right foot is hurt, he was limping. I tried looking at it to see if there was anything superficial, like maybe he stepped on glass or a bee, but I didn't see anything. He was so good, such a brave boy. It hurt so he pulled his paw away. I told him I was sorry and that I needed to look at it and I didn't mean to hurt him. I tried to relax him and then have him sit down for me. He totally did, which I know was really hard. He allowed me to push and prod at his little foot. I hope it gets better soon. He loves to go on walks and always has a blast playing. 


Yesterday Matt had the day off so he took Harvey to the park. It was really nice. They both had a lot of fun. Harvey is getting more and more brave, he runs up to the water and tries to drink it. He's silly, he is not supposed to drink water. 


After the beach Matt came home and made dinner, it was really yummy and so thoughtful of him. He made an amazing salad, spinach, filets, sauteed mushrooms, and sweet potato fries. Yummy!! He also bought me my favorite flowers...sunflowers, they totally made me smile. He is so sweet. I love him :)


Tomorrow I'm going to go back to the gym. I'm excited for that. I miss it there. Afterwards I'm going to have lunch with my friend Erika, then go to a soccer game with Matt and his family. His cousin Robbie plays for USA.  Pretty cool huh? Ya, so we are going to that then Franny is going to try flying home which would totally make my weekend. Sweet!!!!!!!!!! Then just relax, Saturday is the block party. Should be fun. Ill keep you posted. 


Over and out.