Weekend adventures

Today was a super fun packed day for us!! We woke up pretty early. M didn't sleep that well. She wanted to be really close and have her mouth on my boob all night. She was groaning and kicking a lot too. I think she was struggling going potty. We went to Ralph's to pick up some juice and last minute goodies for our breakfast. Rebecca and Todd came over and we had a delicious meal! Eggs, potatoes, fruit and cinnamon French toast casserole! Yum! We talked and looked at baby stuff. They are expecting their sweet rainbow in March! I know the anticipation is hard, but they are doing so great! I can't wait to meet their miracle.. It's been such a gift walking alongside them on their journey.  After breakfast I did some chores with M. We did laundry, dishes and more laundry. Then we went to the store again to get ice cream for Matt's station. We visited for a bit which was fun. He's working so much lately it's nice to share a few minutes together as a family even if it is at a station. After our visit I drove to San Pedro to spend the night with my family. They scrubbed the house before we came over to make sure it was nice and clean for M. Uncle Chris called to verify that M could only visit if the house was clean. haha I confirmed and he was the biggest helper getting the chores done. My brothers are SO stinking cute with M!! I love watching them coddle her and smile at her. They are so thoughtful. They all wash their hands immediately before even asking me if they can hold her. They hold her so gently and are so naturally loving. It makes my heart so happy to watch them with her. Such a treat. My dad cooked us dinner which was nice. He's a great cook!! He even cut my food up for me so I could eat. It was cute, made me feel like a little girl again haha! After dinner we watched a movie and ate ice cream!! Yummy!! Jen came to visit us and gave M lots of love and cuddles. It was really nice just relaxing and sharing the evening with my sweet family and wonderful friend. Sunday was another fun filled day. We had breakfast and then went for a nice walk. Afterwards M and I drove to my grandmas to hang out with her. It was nice to have her all to ourselves. We did tummy time and just enjoyed one another. She is one of my favorite people in the world. I just love being around her.  After time with grandma we met Franny, Frans momma and Jenny. We drove to la to look at wedding dresses!!! It was so fun watching Fran try on dresses. It made me so teary eyed. I am so excited to watch my two best friends get married next year!!! They are going to be the most beautiful brides ever!!! Ahh two weddings will be so fun. After we got home from la we ate a yummy dinner that frans dad cooked. Then I headed to my parents to pick Harvey up and to visit a bit more. We were beyond exhausted by the time we finally got home. We showered and went to bed! We are truly blessed. Of course I wish life could have been different. The journey has been hard, almost unbearable at times, but through the darkness I saw the light, and that light is getting sweeter each second that passes. I never imagined the light being so soft, so pure and so enjoyable after all we had endured, but it is. I've found hope again and it's amazing to be a part of. I'm so grateful.

Fun visiting Daddy at work

A thoughtful day

Today was a happy day! This morning we woke up and sang some songs in bed. While we were singing Harvey heard us and ran upstairs. I invited him into bed with us and he eagerly hopped up. We kept singing and I was able to snap a few shots of him with M. So cute!! After song time we changed and went for a nice walk. After that we ate breakfast and headed out. We had some appointments and then went to visit a fellow tac sister and friend. She is on bed rest with her baby girl due any second!!! Afterwards M and I headed home where I had high hopes of working out. Well little M had other plans. She needed her mommy. I set her down three different times and all three times she cried. She was very upset which concerned me so we decided I would just hold and nurse her. I was a bit worried she might not be feeling well. She did great in my arms though, so I just enjoyed each second knowing the seconds ticked closer to a day where my arms would be viewed differently to her. I want to cherish each second she allows me to have her in them. We met Matt and his parents for dinner. They leave for a nice cruise saturday. Dinner was tasty!! I really enjoy food. Ha a silly realization but I sure do! On the way home we got to talk to Jeanne which was fun. I am lucky to have such awesome family and friends in my life to love. We got home and I fed M, then changed her, then fed her again and rocked her to sleep. Then I ran downstairs to wash laundry, fold it and do dishes. It felt good. I also separated the beautiful flowers Matt surprised us with into a few bunches! Then I spread them trough the house, our room, the bathrooms, living room, table, windows.. Ahh they are so beautiful! It was such a rare and lovely surprise. Matt's not a flower giving type of guy. I think he's only gotten me flowers maybe three times in our relationship. Luckily I'm not a huge need flowers kind of girl, although I do believe if someone is going to ever spend money on flowers for me they need to do it while I'm alive and can enjoy them! Heehee anyway  I walked in today and there on the table sat 3 dozen roses!!! One for each of his special girls.. Momma, Micaela and Grace. Of course I cried! It was so thoughtful and so touching that he included the girls!! I just loved it. It made my whole day, week, month. Such a thoughtful thing to do. It really warmed my heart. They were so beautiful, each a different color.  Earlier in the day I called a friend of mine to say hello and let her know she was on my mind. She laughed and told me she had just left the doctors office. She is pregnant with her rainbow and it's been an emotional journey to say the least. I wanted to tell her how amazing being a mommy to a rainbow was! It dawned on me this week just how amazing this is. I miss Grace and Wyatt everyday, I think of them all the time, but my thoughts aren't as heavy as they were before. They aren't as filled with hurt and pain. They are lighter, crisp, full of hope and love. I think of them but its happy thoughts not devastation. I was worried about how I would feel bringing M home. Would I love her enough, would she always be raised in her siblings shadow, would I love her too much. I think it's been just perfect. She helps me see so much joy. I can't imagine a day without her sweet face in it and I think of the beautiful big brother and sister who made her survival possible. I am so grateful for the sacrifice they made to help educate me and save her. It's a sweet joy that's bittersweet and hard to explain. You know what I mean when you feel it, and although I hope you never do, it's a sugar that's sweeter than any other.

Scary boobs

When I was 7 months pregnant I found a lump in my left breast after taking a bath one night. Of course I panicked! After all we have gone through I thought of course what's a little breast cancer to go with it. I asked my Ob what he thought and he told me to keep an eye on it. We decided to see if it resolved after my supply came in. If it didn't we would reevaluate the situation. Now this is where I would like to share some pearls of wisdom. For years I naively kept my cell phone tucked into my bra. It allowed for me to use the vibrate mode rather than volume and know if I was getting a phone call or text. Never once did I think that it could cause cancer. Never once did I read the phone Manuel from cover to cover. If I had I would have seen in extremely small print, 10 pages in that there is a risk of cancer from using a cell phone. I could have puked a million times. My heart sank to the floor. Me, being dumb for so many years unknowingly could be the reason I now had a mysterious lump in my breast. If you or anyone you know wears their phone warn them. If you don't believe me google phones and cancer. More specifically and personally google cell phones and breast cancer and you will see exactly what's happening to young women. Scary!!!
So on to my story... After we had M my lump remained. It didn't grow or shrink. My supply came in as it had with Grace and Wyatt. M was eating well and life was progressing as it should have. At my 2 week follow up my dr checked it and told me it needed to be monitored. Of course I panicked. Anxiety galore! I cried imagining life without me. It sounds super cheesy but I was so sad that I might not have the opportunity to watch M grow. I was excited to be reunited with Grace and Wyatt and excited to not have the pain that comes with an earthly existence but I felt angry and robbed. Finally my dreams of becoming a parent to a living child and now I might die?! Ugh... Anyway it was a rough two week wait. Matt and I talked about our options. We discussed my treatment desires, our wishes, and what we planned to do with the results. We talked about life without me, and that was hard. We laughed and joked but in all seriousness we were freaked the f out! I didn't share this with many people because it causes me anxiety to actually acknowledge things. I didn't want everyone around me panicked. Matt and I were stressed enough. Jeanne and my Grandma came with me to my first appointment. They were so wonderful. They took me to lunch and made me feel very calm. They watched M while I was in the back seeing the dr and getting my tests done. It was crazy. M did so great. She was hungry but she took a bottle like a champ for them. I was so relieved. I was very nervous she wouldn't take the bottle and would cry. Anyway... The week of my appointment I almost backed out. I'm not sure if it was fear or what. I thought everything was fine, I'm young, healthy and am wasting my and my families time going. Jeanne took the day off work to go with me, and I felt bad canceling. I also had a small voice in my head telling me two things... One I would possibly be consumed with thoughts about what it could be, and second thoughts of what healthcare might be like next year. How getting the appointment I need could be more of a challenge. I am glad I decided to go. I was brave. I honestly thought they would say oh it's nothing go home.... But to my surprise they didn't. The ultrasound tech was lovely. She made nice conversation and was very sweet. We were taking about our kids when she suddenly got quiet and said wait one second. She then squirt gel lower, below my breast and into my armpit. I watched the screen as she scanned and scanned. She pushed buttons and then changed the monitor to evaluate the blood flow to the area in question. My stomach sank. I know what blood flow can indicate. The pace of my heart picked up a bit. She was still quiet. She set her wand down and said she would be right back. I sat with my left breast completely exposed while she went to get the dr. The dr arrived and was just as kind. He took my hand in his and said that he was sorry to inform me that the lump had a lot of blood flow going to it and while the probability of it being benign was high he was uncomfortable enough that he wanted to investigate further. He told me what it entailed and got a deeper health history. Fertility treatments, being on the pill for over a decade, and holding my phone in my bra were all negative points towards me. Boohoo. I walked out a bit deflated. They wanted to do a biopsy ASAP, but due to my vitamin regimen I had to wait 7 days. Seven long days of wondering.. Thinking.. Worrying.. Agh... For my biopsy Matt came with me. It was his first time having M alone. I pumped so he would have milk if she needed it. We had lunch and then headed to the dr. Matt carried M in our wrap. It was the sweetest thing ever!! They both enjoyed it. When we arrived they took me back quickly and went through the process quickly because they all knew M was patiently waiting in the lobby. They explained the procedure to me, the potential complications and the result turn around time. I walked into the procedure room and again took my left boob out. The dr was a different dr but was wonderful as well. I had my same ultrasound tech and felt at ease. They explained the procedure and we started. First the dr injected lidocaine into the lump to numb the area. That part hurt a tiny bit, it just stung. Boobs are more sensitive than other body parts so it wasn't fun, but completely tolerable. After that he took a large biopsy needle and anchored it into the lump. He then used a hollow needle to take the samples with. That part hurt! After he pinched a sample my chest burned. It wasn't excruciating but enough to make me hold my breath and close my eyes. The dr apologized and said he would give me more lidocaine. I told him it was ok and that he could continue. He took a few more samples and told me he was done. He gave me his personal cell phone number and told me he would call me the next day. Such a sweet guy! The tech applied pressure to the site for a few minutes, bandaged me up and sent me home with ice packs in my bra. I was relieved to be done and on my way home. M did great. She slept the entire time for Matt. Matt drove us home and helped me lift M for the next two days. I studied for a final I had to take while he cuddled and bonded with M. It was perfect for them. I took my final at school and passed it. I was super pleased. After that we had a nice lunch. I anxiously awaited the call from the dr. I thought of the two scenarios we would be presented with. Which would it be. Finally he called and gave me the news... It was benign! Thank goodness. I was thrilled!!! He told me we would monitor it and if it remained after I finished breast feeding then I needed to see him again, but for now we were in the clear. I ran down to Matt and told him I had good news and bad. Of course he wanted to good first who doesn't right?! I told him that my tumor was benign. The bad he asked... Oh you know that he would be stuck with me a little longer... Long exhale, sigh, laugh and hug! What a lumpy bumpy road this has been!! Ha

The best part of the whole thing was seeing Matt hold M in her wrap so close to his heart. He loved it!

Biopsy site a few days after it was taken

This is the position M is placed in while Daddy is on duty.. lol

Micaela's first cold

Two weeks ago M got her first cold. Devastation would be a huge understatement. Matt was at work when we woke up. I heard M breathing and she sounded very junkie. You would have to hear it to fully grasp the nasty sound she was making. My heart plummeted to the floor. I instantly felt sick as though someone had kicked me in the gut. I wanted to melt into the floor and vaporize. What type of mother allows her 5 week old to get a cold. I was angry, frustrated and depressed. Instantly my mind flew to the hospital, to the icu, to the wires, the tubes, the iv. I thought of losing her and I couldn't bear it. I started to lose it. I seriously checked her temperature every five minutes. I retraced each visitor in my mind secretly cursing them for kissing her face, or her head, touching her hands, spreading their germs to my innocent baby. I thought about banning everyone until the cold season was over, I thought I would run away with her and hibernate. I was a wreck! We went to her doctor to have her evaluated. Dr Akey is amazing!! The best doctor I have ever met, aside from Dr Patel. So much compassion and knowledge. LOVE him! He took her immediately and looked at her ears, throat and nose. He checked her temperature and checked her Fontanelles. He propped her up on my shoulder and listened to her little lungs. He said she had a cold and asked what I was doing to help her. I told him I was using the nose Frieda (best invention ever!! A Swedish nose aspirator that acts like a straw sucking the boogers out. It's amazing because you can actually look to see what came out, the color, texture...etc.. as a nurse all critical pieces of the puzzle!) nursing, baths to clear congestion, eucalyptus and breathe essential oils, and checking her temp. He looked at me and with a warm smile told me I was "doing great momma" and to keep it up. He called M brave and told her she was a good girl. He told me to let him know if I was worried or her temp went above 100.4. Before leaving M was hungry so I went into his amazing mommy room and sat in a lovely rocker to nurse her. I rocked her and enjoyed water and a granola bar that he gave me. He is seriously amazing and his wife is the sweetest too! We came home and snuggled a lot and nursed as much as she wanted. I was so eager for her to feel better. I know illness is a normal part of life, of childhood and of building a strong immune system. I'm all about healthy colds. It was just extremely hard watching her suffer and not being able to take it away. I'm happy I had the magic milk to comfort her. She was resilient. She smiled and was a trooper the entire time. What a lesson to us adults!! We spend so much energy feeling sorry for ourselves we forget life is passing us by. Smile through your cold... This too will pass.

My sweet girl just wanted to snuggle

Greenish yellow means infection :(

bless her sweet heart still smiling even though she was sick

Boobs

In becoming a mother I was able to view breasts differently. Before I became pregnant I was fairly modest. I didn't wear flashy clothing, I kept covered. I had what I think is the perfect size boobs for my body. To me they were perfect! Not so big that they caused me pain and threatened to sag to my knees one day, but not so small that you couldn't see them with a magnifying glass. Did I want bigger boobs? Sure, but only because I grew up in a society that told me I wasn't sexy or womanly because my boobs were a certain size. I'm fortunate that I was strong enough to stand up against the pressures the world places on women to fix themselves. I am made perfectly. My breasts were made for a reason and they function amazingly well. I hope to be a strong mother, one that teaches M that she is perfect the way she is. I hope to love her and to show her how to be proud of her body. Breasts are amazing!! They are made to nourish life. These boobs have grown my sweet 5lb baby to a whooping 9lb baby in just 6 weeks. That to me is amazing!! They provide the perfect nutrients for her. They are filled with immune boosting antibodies that help strengthen her growing body. They are able to change to meet her needs. They are powerful!! I love feeding her. Our initial breast feeding attempts were very sad and stressful for me. Because M was born small and with low blood sugar she was given formula. I cried when they told me. I longed to nurse M so badly. To have that bond, that connection that only we can have. To be able to feed her while gazing down at her. To have my body work finally how it was intended to work. I needed it as much for her as for me. I am so grateful for Matt and our nursing staff for encouraging me. I refused to give up, I kept trying and they formulated ways to make my efforts useful. M needed to eat a certain volume every 2 hours. They said she had to have formula because you can't assess the amount of breast milk that a baby takes. Thankfully Matt was on the ball! He asked if I could pump, measure the milk and feed it to M that way! Genius!!! I could have wept it was so smart!! Of course I could do it. My milk is far superior to formula. I was able to feed M immediately and after two syringe feeds we were nursing. We were pros in no time. I love feeding her. I hope to feed her as long as possible. The benefits are so huge!! I will do anything to help her. It's exciting knowing I am doing it! I'm so proud of me.  Proud of all the mothers that breastfeed their babies. Mothers who don't give up despite the difficulties., the pain, the frustrations. Mothers who work to maintain their supply. Mothers who chose to wake up every two hours to feed their hungry baby rather than taking the easy way out and giving them fillers. Mothers who know breast milk is the best milk. It's empowering! More about boobs later!  I just wanted to share some excitement and encourage all the mommas out there! It is hard, and it's painful and exhausting but it's the best gift you can give your growing baby!!!


I know public displays of breast feeding are inappropriate to some and I'm sorry you might feel that way. Breasts are amazing, they were designed to sustain life. They are not only a sex symbol. When you see a nursing mother rather than gawk at her and make her feel bad for doing what nature designed applaud her for being the best mother possible! 

There is nothing more satisfying than watching her watch me as my body works to grow and sustain her every need. 

Anxiety at its finest

About a week into M being home with us I went into full panic mode. I couldn't sleep, I just stared at her. My hand never left her chest. I monitored her breathing, assessed each squeak and movement she made. I over analyzed everything!  I was teary eyed looking at her, the joy and overwhelming love I had for her overflowed onto my cheeks. I smiled at her as I wept. I was sad, but happy. It was a strange feeling. I missed Grace and Wyatt and wondered how our lives would have been with them in it. I wondered how they would respond to M. How excited they would be to have a little sister. How their germs would help strengthen her immune system. How their sounds and noises would help her learn to be a sound sleeper. It was hard to not imagine. Interestingly enough many people have the idea that once you have a living child you should forget about your dead children. It seems awful to me, their mom. They will always be our children, they were alive, and they still are in my heart. If they were alive we wouldn't forget them simply because we had another baby, so why should we because they are gone? Because its easier for others.. This was very hard for me. Learning how to be both a mother to Grace and Wyatt and also to Micaela. I think I have found a good balance. I am living in the present, I look at the past and remember Grace and Wyatt. I think of the future, and while it's exciting and filled with hope it also is bittersweet because it has a large area missing. I will always wonder what life would or should have been like. People say "M wouldn't be here if Grace and Wyatt had lived" to that I smile and say she actually would have. M is the same age as Grace and Wyatt. She became a living being the exact same day they did. Then through amazing science she was frozen in time with her other siblings. Grace and Wyatt were placed in my uterus and grew for months before entering the world outside of my belly. We always knew M would be born. We planned on using our embryos. We didn't create life to waste it. She would have been born, it was just a matter of time. Her timing was perfect and to my sweet Grace and Wyatt I will forever be grateful for all they taught me and continue to teach me. They saved their siblings lives, the ultimate sacrifice of giving their own life for the lives of their siblings. My beautiful strong angels. I will always be their mommy. I will always remember them. I will always talk about them. I am not ashamed. I am a mother to three children. Two dead and one living. This is my story and I am not afraid to share it.

Our Sweet Wyatt Rarick

Our Sweet Grace Madison

Our Sweet Micaela Grace

Amazing

Its been amazing getting to be Micaela's mommy. The feeling of having a living child to love and nurture is indescribable. I never imagined love feeling this way. My heart feels like it could explode its so full. She takes my breath away and brings so much warmth to my soul. She has the sweetest spirit and is the ray of sunshine in my life that I had longed for. Bringing home our rainbow was scary. I had a lot of anxiety. Questions and thoughts that swarmed my mind.. Would I be a good mom..would she like me... Would I be too overbearing.. Would I love her too much or not enough... It's terrifying becoming a parent. It's a huge responsibility being in charge of someone else's life. I mean I always knew being a parent was a big deal with a slew of responsibilities but when your waking up every 2 hours to feed, change and burp someone you have no time to be selfish. Everything in you becomes part of that person, you are essentially their lifeline. I'm not going to sugar coat it, it was hard initially. I left the hospital two days after we delivered Micaela. I pushed it. I wanted to come home with Matt. I didn't want to deal with the pressure of someone else bringing us home. I wanted to absorb my time as a mother and be able to feel what I felt. Matt returned to work Monday and worked a 48 hour shift. We came home Sunday night! Because M was born small we had to wake her every two hours to feed. She was such a good girl eating and then sleeping. She gained weight so quickly and is so strong! I was impressed at how well I was doing physically and emotionally. I seemed to be healing well and my grief wasn't as bad as I had anticipated initially. As the days passed though my anxiety went through the roof and I ended up needing to see my therapist for some good talk therapy. More on that later....

She is finally here!!

Friday September 27, 2013  we woke early and headed to the hospital for our scheduled csection. We were SO ready to meet our baby girl! We arrived and got ready. It started out rocky, it took the nurse 4 attempts to get an iv started. 4 times!! I have great veins so was a little sad that they were having trouble. After my iv was in we met with the anesthesiologist and Dr Lagrew. They were excited and ready. We moved into the OR. I was shaking from head to toe. Our last delivery was so traumatic that I was beyond anxious. I leaned forward and hugged a pillow preparing for my spinal to be placed. The anesthesiologist was so gentle and kind. He talked me through it all. Our nurse was very sweet too. I asked if she would hold my hand and she agreed. I was so thankful. They allowed me to chose the music in the room so I picked Lee Brice. I laid down and we were off!
Micaela Grace Natelborg was born at 7:55am. She was a little peanut. She weighed 5lbs 14oz and was 18inches long. It was love at first sight!! She was breech so the first thing to leave my body was her cute little butt, then her long frog legs and next her chest and head. She started crying immediately. She peed on the doctors which made us all laugh. Little did we know this would be a new trend of hers. The drs showed her to me and then she was off to be evaluated. I was crying behind the big blue drape. In disbelief that she existed, that she was indeed alive, that we might actually get to bring one of our babies home. Matt went to her bedside and was able to cut her umbilical cord. He was so proud looking down over his second born daughter. He proudly returned to me with pictures and stats. He returned to our girl and then came back sad telling me that she was small for her age and that she was having a hard time regulating her temperature and blood sugar. They would need to give her formula and closely monitor her. My placenta was delivered and was noted to be villainous. This means that the umbilical cord was attached to the side rather than the center. This is a cause for many small babies. It is also a cause of many newborn deaths. How terrifying. We were so grateful she was alive and with us. We were moved into the recovery room. We stayed there for two hours. While in recovery Micaela was still having trouble with her blood sugar and they thought she should go to the Nicu. More tears poured from our eyes at the thought of another baby leaving and having to go to the Nicu. After 38 long hard weeks we had hoped to have our baby with us. We talked to the team and asked that she be able to do skin to skin with Matt. My temperature was very low after surgery and I was too cold to hold her. They agreed and placed Micaela on Matt's chest. He was the proudest papa ever!! Her temperature came up immediately. They rechecked her blood sugar and it was rising. At that point they decided she could stay with us but would be checked every 30 minutes. Poor love had her little feet poked so many times. Erin, our nurse and Matt gave her a bath. They did a great job. After her bath she came over and I got to put her on my chest. Pure bliss!! She helped my temperature go up and hers remained good too! It was exciting. We were moved into our postpartum room where we would remain until discharge.
Matt was exhausted and took a nap. I just laid there with Micaela on my chest and relished every second. Erin came in and talked to me about feeding M. They needed her to eat every 2 hours since she was small and because her blood sugars were still low. She wouldn't wake up to eat though. I was so sad. They wanted to give her more formula which made me even sadder. Formula is ok, but it is not our first choice. Don't get me wrong I think its a good option for families who cannot produce milk or must use formula but I really longed to nurse and give M that gift. I knew that the continued formula use would just make nursing harder in the long run because it would fill her up lessening her drive to nurse. Thankfully Matt had a brilliant idea. He asked if I could feed her my pumped milk. They agreed since it was able to be measured, that was what they wanted they wanted to know how much she was eating and breast fed babies are hard to read since there is no measure besides diapers. I pumped and luckily my supply was as it was with Grace and Wyatt. I made a lot of yummy rich colostrum. We used syringes to give it to her and she did great. Soon Erin was at my bedside with one hand gripping my boob and the second Micaela's head. She was shoving my nipple into her mouth and slowly but surely we got the hang of nursing and she took off. less than 48 hours after my delivery I begged to be discharged home. I was eager to be alone in the peace and quiet of our own house. No alarms, no visits from hospital staff etc. Matt went straight to work while M and I got to know one another. We feel SO blessed!!! 

Two hands

So I know I have been awful at blogging lately and I promise I will update the blog soon. I have been busy for some reason! haha I owe you blogs on so many things:

Coming soon:
Micaela's birth
Being a mommy to a baby we got to bring home alive
Emotions at home
Pediatrician decisions
Placenta encapsulation
Cloth diapers
Sleep deprivation at its best
School
First cold scare
Holiday fun
Boobies
Jobs


So much going on, and to be completely honest when M goes to sleep I try studying, cleaning, eating and SLEEPING. Writing has been in the back of my mind.....but I'm getting the hang of this stay at home mom thing...

Today I set M down and ran potty.... it was both exciting and sad. She didn't cry for me.... and I had TWO hands to use!!! Imagine that... life is changing in so many ways and we are beyond grateful!