First hold...last touch

As I sit in bed waiting for sheer exhaustion to consume me I think of you. Of the last time I got to touch you, it was the first time I got to hold you in my arms. I see the nurses, doctor and respiratory therapists wheeling you into our room. Their hands squeezing the oxygen bag that is connected to your breathing tube. I don't see you immediately, you are so small and the nurses attend to you. They are taking your breathing tubes out and getting ready to place you in our arms. I remember shivering, grasping daddy's hand and thinking for a split second that I can't do this, that I'm not strong enough, that I'm not ready. I want to curl into a ball on that bed and sob until a deep sleep that comes only after having sobbed for so long sweeps me away. I hold daddy's hand tighter and look at him, trying to be brave for us all. I give him a small smile and tell him that we are going to get to hold "our babies" I try to put strength in myself because I'm terrified of being in my own shoes. I'm not sure if any parent can imagine holding their child as they die. How do you plan for that? What do you do or say... All I can remember is I wanted to touch them. I wanted their skin to be pressed entirely against my body. I wanted my body to keep them warm. I wanted them to bond with the outside of my body. I wanted them to hear my heart, to smell me, to feel my breath on their bodies. Looking back I wish I had held you longer. I was so afraid of hurting you or of you passing that I put you down sooner than I wanted. I knew that I wanted you to be together when you passed. You were conceived together, grew together and were there to comfort one another on your journey to heaven. I remember placing you so gently in my blanket. We nestled you close to each other and Grace you held onto Wyatt's arm. We sat there looking at you in adoration. Taking each and every beautiful feature of yours in. Trying to remember everything about you that we could. I wish I had more time. Wyatt, I remember you passed first. You passed at 5:25 and I was relieved because you suffered so much. We all held you, Grace wrapped around you, me around Grace and Matt around me. I remember being exhausted. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep. The first and only time we would ever sleep together as a family. I remember daddy startling me awake. He felt like you had passed Grace and he was scared. We checked and you were still with us, you held on. I remember telling you it was ok, to take your time and to know that we loved you and we're so proud of you. I remember telling you we would be ok if you wanted to go, but that we enjoyed having you with us so stay as long as you would like. You stayed a whole hour and ten minutes after Wyatt passed. You wanted to be with mommy and daddy alone.

As I relive this day tears pour from my eyes, my nose runs like crazy and I gasp for air. My chest still trembles and shakes and I feel helpless. This is the exact way I felt 5 1/2 months ago when you left. I can't believe it's already been that long. I miss you so much and think of you every single day! I think gosh if they could see me now to the people who proclaim that "I'm doing better than expected", they would know that although outwardly I am strong, inwardly I'm still aching and broken.

You are thought of often. Actually your dr, dr. Patel was nominated and won a very nice award! He called to share the news with me and attributed it to you. It was during his time caring for you and us that someone noticed his excellence and wrote a letter sharing what he did for us. We are proud of him and proud of you for showing us the goodness in others.

Although almost 6 months have passed I still feel so raw, so afraid, so emotional. I feel like I get through most days pretty well, but sometimes, just sometimes I breakdown and sob, and when I do I get a little bit stronger, and my next melt down gets a little bit further.

It hurts so so much still, and I'm not sure this pain ever goes away. The pain though reminds me that this is real, and you were here. You will always be here.

I love you my littles

Love this

"SOMEBODY"

"Somebody said

it was all for the best,

that something was probably wrong.

Somebody said

it was meant to be,

Different verse,

same miserable song.

Somebody said,

"You can have another!"

As if that would make it alright.

Somebody said

"It was not a real child."

Somebody's not very bright.

Somebody thinks it is helpful

To say when grieving should end.

Somebody shows their true colors.

Somebody isn't a friend. 

But somebody said,"I'm sorry."

And sat quietly by my side.

And somebody shared my sorrow

And held my hand when I cried.

And somebody always listened

And called my lost baby by name.

And somebody understood

That I'd never again be the same." 

-Unknown

Thank you to the "somebody's" who have helped support me as I stride, while so many others ran away to hide.

Xo

Harvey

Harvey brings so much love and joy into my life. At times I was concerned that my animal person relationship with him was over the top. I mean he is our baby. I like him more than I like most people. Seriously! He is so sweet. He senses my mood and supports me through the day. I have an open dialogue with him and we always have. We speak to him like he's a human. I'm not sure what he understands but it's something we have always done. When he's scared I reassure him, I tell him about my day and ask about his. Obviously he doesn't respond in English, but his eyes and face speak volumes!

Some of my favorite things about harvey:

He is the best napping/sleeping in partner. This boy can sleep and LOVES snuggling. He is never the first out of bed. He always waits and I make it a point to provide cuddle time for him in the morning. I wake up and talk to him. I rest beside him and sometimes look at my phone. He hates this! He is such an exaggerator! He sighs loudly and tries to push my phone from my hand. He knows when I'm trying to split my focus and he wants it all!!!!

Whether I am gone 30 minutes or 6 weeks he is beyond excited when he sees me again. The feeling in my body when I walk through the door to a smiling face and thumping tail are unexplainable. We have a routine where he goes and waits for me on the couch. Once I put my stuff down I immediately go sit beside him and hug him, pet and kiss him. He stretches his paws out over my lap and leans into me. Sometimes he's happy with .30 seconds, others he needs a few minutes. He alerts me if I'm trying to escape too soon by trying to sit on me so I can't leave! Talk about smart!

He makes me walk and enjoy it. Sometimes in life we walk to exercise, it's purposeful walking and we often do it in a hurry. I mean exercising isn't something we want to spend time soaking in often. Well on the flip side when Harvey and I walk we carry a great pace. We get vitamin d, fresh air and we take all of the sights in. Harvey stops to smell a few things and go potty. For the most part he's a fabulous walking partner. If he ever lags behind me, which he sometimes does on hot days I say lets see if daddy's home and he practically drags me to the finish.

He loves to shower and have his teeth brushed. Honest. He opens the shower door at the house and usually just walks right in. Other times we invite him and he eagerly joins us. His teeth are his special time with Matt. Since Harvey was 3 months old Matt's been brushing his teeth nightly. Yes nightly. We all come upstairs together and we all get ready for bed together. Matt brushes Harvey's teeth. When he sees his special tooth brush, which is the same as ours except it has his name clearly written in bold letters on the side, he licks his lips again and again! He loves it!! When Matt's at work I don't brush his teeth and Matt always tells me how he can tell by his bad breath! Haha

Harvey has a huge Oedipus complex when it comes to me. He cannot stand Matt touching me. When Matt and I hug too long Harvey gets angry! He jumps up at me. He then sits and hits me with his paw and groans at me or whimpers. Sometimes he barks at us. I try not to indulge him because Matt and I need this time together but it's so hilarious we often break into laughter and pull apart. Such a baby!

He's great with kids and people. He loves most kids. Some are too much for him and he will avoid them like the plague, others he adores. He loves all of my brothers and has a blast when they visit. He adores Mila and Ava. When Megan visits she greets Harvey as I do on the couch in a calm fashion to help calm him. Then he runs to see where Mila is. He wants to see her and smell her. It's so cute! He's gentle for the most part but he often forgets his size and he has a very strong tail. He swept little Ava off her feet while she was standing with his tail force. No need for baby wipes with this guy he will clean your face and chair up kids! Can that go on a resume?! Haha he isn't aggressive when it comes to his food at all. He will just wait to eat. We love this about him! We want our kids and friends kids to be able to touch him while he eats and not have him growl or be possessive. He knows its his food and its always there. Matt and I made it a point to talk, touch and stop him during meals as training for his future.

If I haven't illustrated well enough for you, take my word he's the BEST!!! He makes every single day brighter simply by being in it. I love him.

Fun

Just wanted to give a quick little update on some of the events as of late. This weekend I got to spend time with friends celebrating my 28th birthday! We ate good food, had yummy wine and then talked the night away. It was much needed girl time. Sunday was filled with food, food and more food. I spent the day with Megan and her sweet family. It was her nieces birthday. She had the cutest tea party birthday celebration with apple juice as tea and the cutest cake all designed by the birthday girl herself. The littles got their hair and nails done. It was the perfect little girl party! Afterwards we went to her bothers amazing house where they hosted the football game. Since I am not a football fan much like most of the ladies we sat around the table chatted, ate good food and watched the kids play. It was a nice evening. Monday was spent at the long beach aquarium with Kelly and Maja. We all had a blast. I forgot how much I enjoy seeing the beautiful fish. The best part was watching Maja look at the fish and say hiiiiii to them all. I also LOVED seeing Kelly mother her. She is such a great mommy. She takes the time to be present which so many of us forget to do in our lives. I loved it. Here are some photos from my adventures!!!

With the girls and Forrest for my birthday dinner:)

Jenny and Ali

Mila and me superbowl sunday

Maja sitting with the penguins

loved these little guys! they look like little floating mushrooms

Kelly showing Maja that its fun and safe to touch

Kelly and Maja together being brave

So sweet Maja was up on her little tippy-toes looking through the magnifying glass at the sand eels. 

I loved this photo Maja and Kelly were saying hello to the fish

Maja being super brave reaching in to touch the sting rays!! eek

These little guys look like seaweed! How cool

Maja watching the seals swim around

Amazing how this fish blends so well with the rocks. Kinda creepy 

Tiger fish

This is a baby shark that is due in march. They are born in pods, and through a technique where they burp the sac they are able to remove a piece so we can see inside. Crazy!!! now to do this with humans...

I loved this little guy! He is so cute. He had a little toy he was playing with

Jelly fish...so magical to watch

I secretly captured this moment when Kelly and Maja were watching the sea lions and seals swim by. It was too cute to pass up. 

Irony

As I lay in bed waiting for sleep to envelope me I can't help but remember those 5 short days we shared with you. I think back and remember how exhausted I was. How I found a few minutes even a few hours at times of sleep those 4 nights you were in the nicu. It seems ironic now that I can't sleep and you are gone. I would give anything to give those minutes of sleep back to just look at you, to feel you, to absorb your every beautiful feature. 

Today I am 28. I was trying to think of my hopes for this year. I thought at 27 I sent my babies to heaven, at 28.... No idea and I didn't like anything that rhymed with 28 this far! I hope this year holds greatness. It's funny I've never really enjoyed celebrating my birthday. It's just another day really. Yes I should be happy I have survived another year, but that's just it. I'm surviving. Without you life just doesn't seem as rich anymore. I am grateful and shouldn't complain, there are many who would love my time, but I am gifted with it and need to make the best of it. 

Anyway once Matt wakes up we are taking Harvey to the beach. It's supposed to be close to 80 degrees today! We were originally going to go for a hike but once we saw how lovely it was going to be we decided to make a day of it at the beach. We enjoy going to the beach together. 

Tonight was nice. I enjoyed a nice dinner at one of my old time favorite places, the cannery in Newport beach. Matt dropped me off and we went for a walk with Harvey beforehand. It was so cute watching him. Harvey has never gone on a dock before and he was pretty nervous. His little hind legs were trembling and he was crouched so low. I told him it was ok and that I was there to protect him. We sat at the end of the dock and watched as paddle boarders and Duffy boats drifted by. It was fun. For dinner we had a combination of fresh fish, sushi and veggies! It was yummy! The girls picked out the perfect gift for me! They bought me a tea diffuser with some amazing smelling loose tea. It's white blossom and wild orange! It smells so good! Like I want to rub it all over my body good;) I can't wait to wake up and make a cup! Now if only sleep would come!!! Ugh