I've been really struggling lately. The last two weeks have been excruciatingly painful. I have sobbed, been rude, and have said hurtful things. I just didn't have the strength to care about what anyone thought about me. I felt like I was drowning in an ocean and had no desire or will power to pull my head above the surface. I literally couldn't help myself.
Our support group concluded two Sundays ago. It was a nice close to a very powerful learning experience. We learned how normal we were, how there are other couples like us, and amazingly how they have survived and are living through their loss. It was very therapeutic and Matt and I have made life long friends.
I have been seeing my therapist weekly still and also two other doctors. We have all been working hard as a team to get me off all medications. To help me heal in each way possible. Talk about HARD work! It's so exhausting living in my own reality. Being real with myself and acknowledging my true feelings. How helpless I am. Wow! Well, I'm proud to say I've been off medications for about two weeks!! It has been rough, like riding a bike falling and skidding to a stop hard. I feel like my body has been pulled through the dirt, my skin feels like its been ripped off and everything is taken as an insult. I cry ALL the time!! If someone says something nice or thoughtful I cry, I cry listening to the news, I cry when I see an accident on the freeway, I cry because I'm happy, I cry because I'm sad, or upset, or scared.
I've been arguing a lot with Matt. We just couldn't seem to connect at all, and really I couldn't try even if I wanted to. I have no will power, ZERO! Finally everything exploded like a pimple over due. Puss everywhere! I sobbed and sobbed. Of course I want to be normal! I want the old Andrea back. I don't want to cry, or be sad all the time. I see people in life smiling and eating lunch... I think ME.. That's what I want. I want to go back to a time where I did smile and eat lunch. A time where I didn't force a goofy ass grin on my face to make others feel better. To bring others closure for my pain and suffering. NO!! My Struggling.. It's ok for you to see me suffer of course it's hard, and I'm sorry that you have to see it, but it's good and a part of my healing. It was a good sob fest for Matt to attend because it woke him up to the reality that I don't want to be depressed. I want so badly to be the old Andrea, but old Andrea is buried and I need to accept who I am now and be solid in who I am so that I can function as a whole person.
The nightmares, oh the terrors!! I'd say I went about two, maybe three weeks with less than three nightmares a week! That's huge for me seeing how i was having them nightly. Not only did I have insomnia, but when I would sleep I'd dream horrible horrible unimaginable things. Who would want to sleep! Ha anyway I had finally gotten a good routine down. My self soothing was working and I was actually sleeping and not waking terrified. Well since stopping My medication I have been having daily nightmares. I mean graphic, detailed, in color nightmares! Vivid!! Some are so graphic I can't use enough words to describe the absolute terror to Matt. In the last dream I had I died! I didn't think it was possible to die in your own dream but lo and behold I was dead. Pale white no organs only skeleton, DEAD! I had drowned. Ironic! Ha I drowned and when they pulled my body up I was hollow, only bones.... As I am remembering this dream now as I type I am relating it to how I have felt! Sometimes it takes me a bit to dissect my connections but now I can clearly see. I am afraid of drowning, and I feel empty. It's my minds portrayal of my emptiness and despair. How funny. Sorry that's probably not really funny at all, but it's funny how the mind works, and by golly mine is still working ;)
Well this has been a heavy heavy post and I know it's hard to read. I would much rather write a happy blog about the warm sunshine and all the adventures Harvey and I have been on but it wouldn't be entirely honest.
In closing I would like to thank those wonderful strong and loving friends who have been my sounding board. Those angels who have continuously cheered me on. Who remind me that it's ok to be sad. Who give me hugs, even if only over the phone. My amazing support group who loves me in my darkest ugliest days. I thank you. You truly are the light that I run towards in the darkness. I know one day I will be closer to the light and I promise I will keep working on getting there. I love you!!
