How to handle rude peoples "advice" and words

I think today is a good day to talk about rude people, since there are so many of them and they always seem to give you feedback when you are most vulnerable. I HATE RUDE PEOPLE! Almost as much as I hate sin. I have tried everything from saying thank you and walking away irritated, to ignoring the person, to putting them in their place. This week I got snappy with a girl, who overheard my conversation with a friend regarding trying to conceive. This girl says to me, " girl you just need to freakin relax, and stop freaking out". PISSED off was an understatement, I immediately felt my face turn hot and I decided that was it. Im not going to be the nice girl who always walks away, but is always the one hurting. Not today! I looked that girl in the face and said, relaxing wont help my uterus carry a baby or make my endometriosis go away. She shut her mouth so fast. People always want to give you advice wether its on how your wedding should be, or who you should marry, date, how you should dress, or act, how to get pregnant, and even how to raise your child. So annoying, although some advice I actually take into consideration, depending on the source. 


When a woman is trying to get pregnant its really emotionally draining when month after month we end up empty womb. I feel myself comparing me to other people, why cant I get pregnant, but rude people can? or why can a serial killer get pregnant, or child molesters? I drive myself nuts wondering how its possibly fair that I cannot get pregnant. I really try my hardest at life. I work to full capacity and love what I do, all while loving the kids and families I care for. 


OK enough with my bitter ranting. We are trying again this month to get pregnant. Im so tired of trying, I hate the routine of having to thing about what cycle day I am. I hate having to remember to take certain medications, or make it to appointments. My work schedule is insane and its stressful having to move days just to make appointments. We have an ultrasound this friday to see how many eggs we have and how big they are. Hopefully the week after that we will do another iui, hopefully this time it works, although I must admit I don't think it will. I have a feeling we are going to have to save a small fortune just to get pregnant. Im going to talk to dr. potter regarding ivf and the NYC program. I am going to see if he will monitor me while on the study. We will see... 


Anyway, Im going to take Harvey to centinella today, he LOVES it there. Its pretty cold and rainy but it will be fun to buy him some treats. Later today I am going to paint my friends nails, Daddy bought me shellac nail polish and the special uv light for christmas so that I could do my nails and my friends. Im really excited to use them. I did your grammies Saturday night . We painted them a really pretty red with sparkles on top. She loves sparkles. We celebrated christmas that day with Grammie and Papa, it was nice. We got them a really great photo-canvas from our wedding with all the kids in it. It was really nice. It was fun to watch them look at it and smile. We loved that it will be a timeless gift and one that doesn't take up much room at all. Grammie and Papa spoiled mommy and daddy. They always do. 

Doctors!!

So today was pretty hard for me, I had to go to the dr.s alone, without you in my belly. I thought I was going to be ok because Im a really strong person and usually am great on counting on myself. I was ok until the receptionist said fill this paper out, oh wait your not pregnant are you? and then Im guessing by the look on my face she knew and apologized. I was crushed. I walked back to my seat in the baby filled lobby and tried my hardest not to cry. I hate crying in front of people, I hate the weakness that I feel when I am vulnerable and crying, so I really do it rarely in front of anyone. 

Finally after waiting with really cute babies in the waiting room I was called back. I got my weight and blood pressure taken. They were really good the nurse said. I weigh 119lbs and my blood pressure was 90/60. Not too shabby! The nurse was really sweet, she took me into the room and rubbed my arm, she smiled and told me that her niece had a miscarriage and then went on to have 4 healthy babies! She said she hopes to see me pregnant soon and not to worry. So sweet :)

After the introduction the NP, who was really nice, thankfully did a few tests on momma. She felt my belly and then checked other places. She said everything looked really good and that we could start trying again as soon as possible. She said with the endometriosis the sooner we conceive the better, but Daddy and I already knew that. She asked about my job and told me that she has a daughter in school right now who wants to be an oncology nurse! Pretty cool huh? She was very kind and really made me feel comfortable. She said she knows we can get pregnant again, and to call after I get a positive home test. When I was leaving the office she gave me a big hug, which I really needed to tell you the honest truth. I was feeling very needy and sad, but at the same time happy to have met such a nice group of medical professionals whom I'm hoping you too will meet someday. 

Today Daddy's at work and I am home with Harvey. We went on one walk already and are now just relaxing. I just made some really good guacamole for a snack! Harvey wanted some but I told him he was not allowed to eat avocados or onions. He still looked longingly at my chips, and then eventually rested by my feet. Hes such a great friend, and is good at keeping me company. I suppose we need each other equally because he really loves being with us. 

Another funny thing that happened today was that when I got into my car to head for the Dr.'s office I glanced into the back seat, you know to make sure no creepy person was waiting to steal my already locked car..haha I'm a bit paranoid lol Any way I saw two little eyes looking back at me and was like what? hey what are you doing in my locked car? It was a really cute baby bird!! I don't know how he got in, and obviously we couldn't keep him, so I opened all the doors and shooed him out. He took flight but landed low fairly fast. I walked over to him, because he was chirping and realized that he may have just started flight school. I sat talking to him trying to tell him to flap his little wings and fly, but he couldn't. Eventually a bigger bird flew over and talked to him, together they tried flying, but the baby couldn't quite make it up to the perch where the big bird was. a few more birds came to help, and eventually he was able to leave. So cute!

Here is a picture of the baby bird in the car, and the other one is of Harvey at the beach! Daddy took him to the beach again this week and he had a wonderful time. You have a really wonderful Daddy who is going to take you on a lot of fun adventures!

Hair and play dates...

Hi my love bug!

I have been quite neglectful of this blog, but have been a busy bee. I have been working a lot and on my free time I'm busy cleaning the house, cooking, and shopping. Its a full time job. Also I have been really trying to do more things with Harvey since Daddy has been gone at work so much. I feel so bad for him, I think he must be so bored. I place my feelings on him, although I'm sure he really is bored. 

This week he was a really lucky boy. I have been doing my barre class every morning that I am off work, and so Harvey has had the opportunity to hang out with his papa. Papa is so much fun and loves Harvey so much. They play catch, go on walks and just enjoy being with each other. It allows me the ability to enjoy my classes more. After the class we went to the beach one day, then yesterday I coordinated a play date with Tram and Bruno. Harvey and Bruno get along like brothers, they are both so sweet and very gentle. Tram is a nice girl who is studying to become a pharmacist. Super cool. Tonight is girls night so Jenny and Jen are coming over to eat and hang out with me. Harvey has a date also he will be with Brooklyn! Such a lucky boy. 

Another fun thing Harvey got to do this week was go to his favorite store centinela. Its a pet store where we get his food and treats. When he goes they treat him like a king, loving him to pieces and giving him way too many treats, but I allow it since we really only go there every other month. 

Oh ya, I totally cut my hair yesterday! Its way short now, I have always had long hair since my traumatizing childhood hair cuts that resembled Gilligan from the TV show Gilligan's island. Horrible Horrible, any way I love my stylist and totally trust him, which when you learn to know momma you will learn that I rarely trust that much. A downfall yes, but I'm obviously working on it and slowly improving. Any way he cut my hair short! I told him I wasn't going to say no, but going to allow him to do what he thought would look the best on my head. I think he was shocked because most people have rules, don't do this and don't do that. Well he had a blast, and I am learning to like the new me I see in the mirror. its a tough adjustment because you get so used to seeing the same look. but a change is nice. I just hope daddy likes it! 

I hope you decided to join our lives soon there are so many fun pregnant things I want to do. Also I really want to join this bible study with my friend Erika, but its a Mommy's study..so if you decide to join our family mommy can join that group. ha ha 

Another cool thing that I will let you in on is that Mommy and Erika are going to try to do a nursing research project together. I hope that God gives us the knowledge and information we need to do this study safely and wisely. I will keep you posted. So excited. Erika has a little boy Noah, who one day I'm sure you will get to play with. He is such a sweet boy, and I just know you will enjoy hanging out!

I love you my sweet angel! Happy floating :)

Mommy

Sitting here waiting

So here daddy and I are sitting in the airport at John Wayne waiting to fly to Denver where we will then fly to visit mommies best friend Franny!!! We are so excited! Well we were until the lady at the ticket booth told us it was snowing, and our flight might be cancelled or delayed:( then we got to our gate and we were fogged out!! We have been sitting here for three hours waiting for it to clear enOugh to take off.

Harvey got to stay with Grammie and papa who are so totally excited to spoil and love him. He was really sad when we left though which made me sad. Grammie said he was sad the whole way home. When I hugged him goodbye he laid his little head on my arms and would not look at me. Such a sweetheart.

NYC is going to be really cold but really fun. Being with Franny will warm my heart. She's been mommies friend for a long time. She is like a sister to me and will be a wonderdul auntie to you! She is dating Richard who flys planes! Pretty cool huh? He's really nice and loves her a lot. He's very sweet to her and makes he feel very loved. We are also going to. Is it daddy's friend Adam. Adam has been daddy's friend since they were little kids. He lives in Brooklyn.

Daddy planned a lot of fun adventures and activities for this trip. I think there might even be snow on the ground. It will be chilly. I will update you on our adventures. Tomorrow we go to quest to get our labs drawn! I hope that the dr gives us gret news when he calls with the results.

Mommy will upload some Halloween pictures soon. The kids at work looked so cute. My little princess looked wonderful and she is feeling much better which makes me really happy;)

I love you my sweet little bean. Please keep growing in my belly and grow long an strong. Make us proud!

Love mommy

Pumpkins!!

Hello my love,
I am so excited for the holiday season to start! I love love the holidays, you will too. The weather gets a bit colder outside, so people inside try to stay warm, bundling on more clothes, blankets, or my favorite snuggling. I love sitting near Daddy with a book and snuggling while he pats my head. So nice. 


This week has been fun, and busy. This weekend we tried to make you!!! I really hope and pray that you decide to pick a nice sperm to be friends with, dance, hatch, and grow in a really nice warm cozy part of my body. I hope I am able to carry you to term and finally I hope that you will be healthy for life. Working with so many sick kids makes me really want to have a healthy baby for life, not just for birth. Daddy and I went to the Dr's office both Saturday and Sunday. I know I thought the exact same thing, Dr's offices are never open on the weekends, but these Dr's are. They are really wonderful Dr's. 


Lets recap...Daddy and I went to the Dr's Friday to get information on how we look as far as parenting potential..lol said well... then we spied on you. There were two follicles, one larger than the other, which means we could have had two eggs drop. I hope we did so we increase our chances of getting pregnant. Mommy had to give herself a shot in the tummy, but it didn't hurt because Im a wonderful nurse and knew how to do it. Saturday Mommy and Daddy went to the Dr's and Dr. Coffler did our insemination. Thats where he takes Daddys water and puts it near my seed. You my beautiful darling are the seed, so drink that water!!! Then we just relaxed for the rest of the day. We went to Grammie and Papa's house for dinner and football. I didn't watch football. Yuck! I read instead on the couch with a warm blankie. Afterwards we went for a nice walk with Harvey. It was foggy, which was spook-tacular. You will get that later :) Sunday we went back to the Dr's office and a nurse did our second watering. I really hope we were able to water you soon enough and with enough. After we returned home My family came over. My brothers, Grandma Jeanne, and also my grandma, your great grandma Gwen. You will love them all. Daddy took your uncles, my brother's to the pool. They had a lot of fun. The girls stayed home and played cards and talked. We also went to Watson's for lunch. Watson's is a really old drug store that serves food, malts and fountain sodas. We didn't get desert there though, we went to Joes for Italian Ice. Grandma Gwen treated, she always treats us. She is one of the most generous, thoughtful people I have ever met. She is so fun to be with, she is an amazing listener, and she is so so smart, and fair. She never judges, and is always full of love. She loves you so much already! I cannot wait for you to meet her and the rest of the family. 


Today is Monday and I had to work. The day was nice, I got to paint one patients nails, and got to read stories to another. I love that part of my job! It makes me feel really good inside. I work tomorrow for a few hours. I have a meeting in the morning to attend, and then I am going to help for a few hours on the floor. Then home with Daddy and Harvey. Today Daddy took Harvey for a hike. I was so jealous. I love hiking and even more so with them. They went 5 miles!! I was so proud of them. I cannot wait to hike with you. 


Well my love, I really hope you are growing inside my belly. I hope you are multiplying like crazy and that you have a really wonderful travel down my tunnel in to the pink fluff. I really hope. I have been talking to God a lot and also to others. I have been praying for you and so have so many other people. You are so loved already. I promise we will love you more and more if you decide to join our little family. I have been praying for peace, patience, and faith. I love God, and sometimes its hard for Mommy to completely trust someone and let go of control, but I have been praying to feel Gods arms around me. I have been asking him to lay in bed with me and be with me, I have been hoping that he is fond of me. Im fond of him! I am excited to tell you about him. When we get pregnant, and you are born we will really be praising the Lord, because without him and his children none of this would be possible. We know you will be a gift my sweet little one. I love you so very much. 


Below is a picture of Harvey at a pumpkin patch! 


We all love you!

Mommy

Sitting here waiting

So today is the day we hope and pray that you chose a friendly weigh to fertilize you, my beautiful egg. This month has been a long and really emotional month. It did not feel like the traditional 30 day month it felt like the month was rolling by in slow motion and we were coasting with it.

To start this month after my period came, we had to do a lt of tests. I mean probably around 25-30! We looked at everything, genetics, natural killer cells, antibodies in my body and in daddy's body. We looked at my Fallopian tubes to make sure they were open for your journey to the uterus. We looked at my uterus to make sure it was very pretty for you too. The uterus is where you will attatch. That test was terrible, it hurt so bad! Mommy got so sick I thought I might pass out from the pain. I was very pale and sweaty. I even threw up. Daddy was very sweet and held my hand the whole time, and told me that I was doing such a good job and that he was really proud of me. During that test the dr found some polyps. Polyps are like skin tags, but inside my uterus, so like little pink bumps. They were worried that you wouldn't get a good spot to rest. We are really hoping to get pregnant this month with you, of we don't then we will need to have surgery next month to remove the polyps. If we do get the surgery we will not be able to try making you that month and will start trying again around Christmas.

This time we have shared our struggles with many people, family, and close friends. We are getting a lot of support and love, there are a lot of people praying for you and also for dady and I. We really hope this month God helps to line everything up perfectly and that this month we are able to not only conceive you, but also get to have a happy and healthy baby in 9 short months! It's truly exciting and I'm doin my best to stay positive and very hopeful. Everytime a negative thought creeps into my head discouraging me, I say no go away, I declare in te name of Jesus to leave me. I will get pregnant and we will have a baby. I need to remind myself I this truth.

A friend I mine shared two verses from the bible last night. She shared the story of Abraham and Sara, they were too old to have children, but because they believed and had faith in the lord Rey were blessed with a child. I also read a verse in mark that states that whatever you ask for in prayer and believe you will receive, you will. It gave me some hope and also comfort.

We have been praying for you and so have so many others. I really hope this is our month!
Mommy has been taking a lot of medications in preparation of you. I have been drinking royal maca, it's a root that is said to help with fertility and hormonal balance. It doesn't taste good at all, but I've been drinking it. Also I have started taking baby aspirin to help with blood clots in case that is a problem. I have also been taking metformin, it's actually a diabetic medication, but I don't have diabetes, I have mild insulin reaistance. It shoul help to control my insulin levels, making our uterus more hospitable for your arrival. The metformin has some pretty awful side effects, it causes nausea, fatigue, and diahrrhea. Yucky! I have been a food girl though and have been taking all of my prescribed meds. I really hope it works. You never know little one. Only God does. Daddy and I promise to love you very much and also to teach you about God. You are going to be the sweetest baby ever.

We love you, and hope you pick us this month!
Xo
Mommy

Finding my Grace

It was there at 28,000 feet that I lost it. It started well before my second trip to the restroom. Reading The Shack again exposed my "great sadness". My many woes and my many short comings or perceived failures now stared back at me in the mirror of the airplane bathroom. It started as I walked to the restroom, my body lifted up, words filled my mind and my brain started singing a song I knew well. Tears welled in my eyes as my brain slowly comprehended what I was singing. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. Like me, like me, I kept thinking like me, saved a wretch like me. I was saved, and I am saved. I need my papa just as much as he needs me. He needs to feel my love and my trust. I need to know him just as much as he delights in knowing me. He lives through me and loves hearing me share stories. As I returned to my seat by Matty I was overtaken by the beauty outside. The beauty that the Lord, my papa created for me to see. Perhaps at my moment of saving, my amazing grace he showed me that there is so much beauty in this life that I had reluctanly viewed as ugly and dark recently. The anger and fears I had held against my papa were now less strong, my shoulders now slightly lighter as I viewed first hand the beauty of Gods creations. The beauty all around me that my own "pain" caused me to overlook. I needed to allow God in and my sadness out to have the full ability to open my eyes and truly see. I need to let Papa live through me each day and have faith in him to take care of me and to lead me in the right direction. 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.


T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.


Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.


The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.


Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.


When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Please Lord

So we are basically praying that our insurance approves our procedures by tomorrow morning. I'm so sick of insurance and tests, labs, and the headache of this all. I wish it were as easy for me as it is for too many others. Ugh the ugly head called jealousy creeps onto my shoulders and judges others. Its so hard to shoo it away and go along my merry old day without feeling a little slighted. I'm trying, and that's as good as its going to get today. 


This week has been insane to say the very least. My head is in a constant throb and I feel ill. It started last week with my dreaded period, not only did it show up two weeks late, causing my little hope to rise, but it also came with anger. It was horrible. I was so sick, the pain was awful, and the vomiting that accompanied the constant nausea was disgusting. I felt terrible for three days. Yuck! But I suppose on the bright side I knew what cycle day I was and I was able to call my wonderful Dr's and inform them that I was ready to undergo more tests... Blah


Friday I got my labs drawn for a clomid challenge test. I started taking clomid a medication that assists with ovulation on Monday. I will take it for five days. Clomid comes with many side effects, a few of my favorites being my good old friend nausea and vomiting along with hot flashes. FUN! Oh and I shouldn't forget Matt's favorite..the mood swings. Haha Im lucky he loves me so much. Monday I also had an ultrasound done to check how many follicles I had. I had 20, the Dr. said he was happy with that number. It was a good visit because Matt was able to attend with me and he got to meet Dr. Potter. We really like him and his staff, they are all really happy, which is a wonderful thing. Tonight I start taking an antibiotic for the tests that I will have done tomorrow, God and insurance willing. Tomorrow I am scheduled for an ultrasound and also a HSG. The ultrasound is to look for fibroids or abnormalities, and the HSG is to look at my fallopian tubes to make sure they are open and working. Might be painful, but so is everything else thus far. Saturday I will go in for more labs, and then hopefully and again God willing, we will inseminate soon. I am really hoping this is our month. I feel like we deserve this, we have worked so hard, we are able to provide for our baby and also support them with love. Its just so hard to not have the reality of it all. Our Dr was cute yesterday, he told me that he would make me nauseated but with a happy outcome, not just nauseated for the fun of it :) I like that. I'm hoping with all the hope I have inside me, which doesn't feel like much now. 


I have though, been able to talk to a lot of people regarding miscarriages, my trials and also my faith. I have been able to pray for others, and allow others into my life, and into praying for me. Its a new experience I am treading on lightly. 


My research is slightly on a stand still, I am waiting for the green light on my palliative care studies and until I get that I am on temporary hold. Again patiently waiting. I'm going to be a pro at being patient soon. I have also been reading The Shack and have been loving it. Its my second time reading it, but this time I am writing in it a lot. I'm really trying to drop all conceptions that I have of God. I am trying not to judge him and to simply trust in his goodness, although it is really challenging at times. I am learning to let go of all of my misconceptions of how I think God should be and how he should act. I need to know that he is "fond of me" and that he loves me. I need to trust him to be by my side every day. Its a work in progress yes, but at least I'm working. 


All fingers crossed for tomorrow and this week. 

Ohio

Hello my love. Daddy and I are in Ohio visiting daddy's cousin Robbie. Robbie plays on the soccer team here, Columbus crew. He gets paid to play soccer, which he loves!! Pretty cool huh?! Any way Robbie is way cool, he's super kind, welcoming, and humble. He got daddy and I some Nike shoes. He is sponsored by Nike which is pretty cool. He gets paid to wear their stuff, so he got us each a nice new pair of sneakers.

We like it here in Ohio, the people are friendly and the food is good. It is a bit healthier here than it is in California. It's really cold here though so momma is freezing. Good thing I packed my warm clothes;)

Another bonus on thus trip was getting to see daddy's sister and her family. That is your auntie heather, uncle doug, and your cousins Fannie, Elliot, Anna, and Lucy! That's right four girls!!! You will love them no matter what sex you are. They are Soooo cute! They are all so different and so fun. Today we watched robes game. We sat close and shared hot chocolate.

Last night we made yummy tacos and then had ice cream afterwards. We were walking in the downtown area and I was holding Lucy. Daddy mgot handed a flyer and the girl said here want a condom? Daddy said no thank you, I'm trying to get pregnant with my wife. So cure it melt my heart. Daddy thinks I'm pregnant with you right now, I'm skeptical only because I don't want to be crushed again and again. I'm 7 days late today for my period. I will call the dr tomorrow and try to get there right after we land.

We fly home tomorrow. I'm excited to be home and to see Harvey. I really missed him. I hope you are growing inside my belly, but if your not I hope my period comes so I can try making you again. I love you always and forever.

Love mommy

Bringing grace...

Today has been a wonderful day. I didt get great sleep last night, perhaps thinking too much about too many things. I finally drifted off and was eager to get to today. I woke up earlier than I wanted, but on the bright side I sleep until 7:30! So that's really nice. I gave Harvey lots of kisses fed him and then gave him fresh water. Then I headed out to the barre. I talked to daddy on the way and he told me he was excited to meet me for breakfast with Grammie and then had a surprise for me;) I love and hate surprises at the same time. I do like treats, I mean who doesn't like a little something special? But surprises kill me, I spend my whole day wondering what my treat might be, what do I want? If I could pick a treat what would it be... I was excited!

At the barre the first person I saw was Brittany, my favorite instructor. She is a Wonderful woman of God and is such a joy to be around. On my days when I feel helpless and Sad she is what drives me to get up and get my best work out on. She is so enthusiastic and bubbly. She pushes me harder than I want to push myself. I am thankful for the friendship I have in her.

Breakfast was nice, and afterwards we wend to Kohls and Daddy spoiled me. It was nice to get a few new winter outfits. I love cold weather clothes because Im pretty much always cold.

Saturday was really nice, Jen came out to huntington beach and we went to barre. She did really great and liked it a lot. I would love to have a room in my house one day to workout in. That would be so cool.

We took Harvey and Brooklyn to the park and they ran around. They always have a lot of fun together. They are so cute! After the park we went out to lunch with Grammie, Papa, Daddy and Jen. It was nice to be together, but we had terrible service. Oh well.

That night Grammie and Papa came over for dinner. It was fun. Its nice to be near family.

I just got off the phone with my Grandma, you are going to love her. She is such a sweet and cool person, and we love having her in our lives.

There are so many things on my mind today. Today a friend reached out to me and told me she was having a hard time getting pregnant. I referred her to Dr. Potter and she made an appointment. Im very excited for her and her family. I will be praying for them. Although its a hard time for me perhaps Im here to bring some peace, wisdom and some grace to others. Until I get my own grace, I will do my best to share and encourage others.

I am very blessed by my families love, Matts love and also the love I receive from my patients every day. God is good.

Speaking through me..

I've been feeling unsteady in my faith lately. A lot after the second miscarriage and even more so each day I work only to find a new child and family suffering. My faith is shaken by the reality that innocent children suffer long and brutal deaths fighting cancer a horrific disease until they take their last breath. My heart questions the lord and his goodness when he allows us as nurses, the people who are supposed to help these kids Poison them with toxic chemotherapy drugs day after day. I see their hair falling Out, Their pillows covered in hair that was one day beautiful hair. Hair of all colors and textures the chemo has no favorites it takes all kinds. I see kids in pain, their bones hurt, their stomach's are so nauseated that they are unable to even look at food. They heave their insides being ripped out with each lurch of vomit. Their immune systems are weak and they are susceptible to something as innocent as a the common cold. Their bodies are limp, pale and frail. Their parents hearts break a little each time they look at their new child. Their picture of the perfect family is now hidden in the back of their mind. A perfect family is a distant hope and now the only picture a parent can see is one that contains their sick child in it.


This picture is my daily reality, Through this I strive to see the goodness in this life, It has been hard these last few weeks but today it was very apparent to me. I was driving to dog park with Harvey beside me when I was praying for Keven, a patient of mine who is really sick and is getting ready to go to transplant. He has been pouring his heart out to me a lot lately and we have been sharing a lot of time together, in conversation, in meal encouragements, and also in studying for him to pass his drivers license test ( A goal he has for when he goes home prior to transplant). I routinely pray at home for him, but today I felt like God was asking me to reach out to him and pray over him. I did, and Keven was so happy. He thanked me and told me that he knew God could help ease his pain better than any medication could. He was so happy to be prayed for and thanked me endlessly. I though how simple was that, and how good did it make me feel afterwards... I promised him that I would continue to pray over him when the opportunities allowed and that I would offer any support he needed in this tough time in his life. 


That's when it hit, my mini epiphany, my reason for being, my purpose, my life. Tough time. That was it. I was able to love Keven and provide some of Gods strength just by praying for him. I thought about my own tough time, and thought wow Ive been able to pray for a lot of people lately. I have been used at work in a lot of rooms, with a lot of kids and families. I prayed with Keven, I prayed with a newly diagnosed family over them and their baby, I prayed with Jeremy, and I pray for so many kids routinely without even thinking much about it. 


I pray for my coworker Barb who's is pregnant, I prayed with her while she was trying to conceive, then I continued to pray for her while she went to Dr appointments, while she went through personal struggles and life's unexpected happenings. 


I prayed out of joy when I found out another one of my friends was pregnant. I prayed for happiness and safety for her and her baby. I prayed for her family and for our friendship. I prayed for strength in this situation because I was happy but also sad. I prayed that I could and would offer support, encouragement and happiness. 


I prayed for my friend Andrew and his wife as they try having a baby. I have just been a prayer bee...


Life is weird, funny, sad, unbelievable, and crazy all at once. I guess this is how God is deciding to use me. He gave me a past with opportunities to help better someone else in their future or help them maybe through a tough time, or an exciting time. I pray that God will help me have an amazing time, I pray that he will reward me and help me in my own life, in my journey with him, in being a better nurse, and person, and also in the dreams I have of one day being a parent. 


It's hard to believe in a higher power when so much is by luck or bad luck rather. It's hard to believe that cancer, murders and miscarriages are fate. Fate feels like it should be good, just and filled with the lords goodness. As I help others in their lives and in their faith I pray that God uses himself speaking through me to strengthen my own faith in him. 


I feel lost and need him to shine his light on the path home. I want to hear his voice telling me where to go and what to do. I don't want to make decisions or not know, but I suppose thats just a part of life. 


So hard. Still praying for that miracle. You never know, God did some pretty amazing things back in the day, I know he still has it in him. 


We shall see. 


Praying for faith. 

Towed Away...

Today Mommy woke up to Daddy, he said, "Babe, something bad happened" not the best way to start my day off at 5:15 in the morning. I was looking forward to sleeping past 6am, going to barre, walking Harvey, and being very productive. God had other plans for our day though. 


I knew instantly that Daddy's truck had been towed. He has a bad habit of leaving it in front of the garage. Our neighbors warned us many times about doing it, they had their own car towed three times. We stayed calm, called the local police department and tried to find Daddy's car. It was a lot stressful for him, for many reasons, first being that Im sure he felt like a nerd, second he was late to work, and third it was really expensive. 


After getting his car out he had to go straight to work, Harvey and I came home and we went back to bed, then we got up walked and then decided to tackle the house. Its been a long time since I did a real deep clean. It looks great. You would be shocked to see how much hair I vacuumed. 


Tonight Im going to cook dinner for Daddy, and then he will have to go back to work for two days :( He wont be home until Friday. I work tomorrow and then have a few days off to enjoy.


Love you bug

Up here giggling

I'm sitting upstairs listening to Daddy downstairs. He is yelling, shouting, clapping. All noises of happiness. He's watching Notre Dame play football. It seems funny to me upstairs though because I didn't really grow up with TV. When I moved in with my Dad I would watch movies like the parent trap, Father of the bride, Notting Hill, and such, but we never watched TV. In high school it was weird not to watch TV,  all of my friends did, so I tried to listen to the shows they watched or the movies they liked. I watched some movies for the first time at Jenny's house. I slept over there a lot. We liked Rommy and Michelle's high school reunion. We had so much fun when we were younger. We would eat so much food, and have such a wonderful time. I played volleyball with Jenny. We have been friends since the 10th grade. She is so smart, sweet, and funny. She just recently bought a house with her boyfriend Eddie. Its so cute!!! I can't wait to visit it again. Franny was  a lot like me, she didn't have TV growing up and rarely watched movies. We can relate to not being in the movie loop and we laugh with each other when we for the first time see an older movie. 


We just got back from hiking peters canyon with Grammie. It was really nice, it was such a beautiful day, not too hot, and just beautiful. We went about 5 miles. Afterwards we ate yummy tacos and then went to Joe's Italian ice for desert. They have ice cream there for dogs and Harvey just loves it. Grammie got a swirl 50/50 cone, Daddy got his favorite jolatti bada bing cherry and I got a half vanilla half chocolate malt. Yummy. Now I'm ready to tuck myself into bed. Daddy wants me to cut his hair but I'm pretty exhausted so we will see. I'm trying to convince him to shave his icky mustache off. Lets hope we can. Well love I wonk for the next two days so I'm heading to bed. I love you!

Parents

Today I thought a lot about parents. There are so many of them in the world. Good parents, ok parents, and bad parents. We are surrounded by them. At work I am amazed by the parents. There are so many wonderful parents who are so supportive and so loving to their children. They are going through such tough times, their world is completely changed and jeopardized and yet a lot of them have the ability to push through and provide the nurturing their kids need. When I think of parents at work I think of my patients parents, I think of  parents that are willing to give their kids love, patience and commitment. Parents that spend endless hours at work just so that they don't have to leave their child alone. Parents that help us change diapers, linens, give medications and help the kids eat. Parents that support each other and life spirits during the uphill battle to recovery. Such amazing parents. I think of people I see as my parents at work, i see Angela who is like a mother hen and is always willing to help, listen and love. I think of Karen who is similar to Angela, she always puts her whole heart into everything she does, she is one of the most thoughtful, generous people I have ever met. I think of Erika, who is so motherly and nurturing. She is so willing to listen, offer arms to hug you with, and words to comfort. At home I think of my parents, my Dad, Jeanne, and My Grandma Gwen. I think of my Mom, but not usually when I think of parents. I think of how cool my Grandma is and how much I love sharing my life with her. I think of how calm she is and how much love she has for each one of us. I think of Jeanne, who loved me always as a kid, who taught me so much about being a lady, a women, and a lot about being a mother. She has given me so much love and encouragement. I think of my Dad who I just looked up to so much. I though how wonderful he was and how he was such a hard worker. I loved getting to spend time with him. I would go to home depot, paint the garage, wash the car, anything just to hang out with him. I think of Matt's parents, who are now my parents too. I think of how loving and interested in our lives they are. I think of how they take interest in the activities we do and try to do them so that they can share more life with us. I think of the kind words and thoughts they always have. The support and encouragement they offer, and the hugs they are always more than willing to give. There are so many parents. I think of God also when I think of parents. I don't really think of him as father, more of dad or papa. Father sounds stern, and although I know he can be stern in my life I feel like I need him to be soft like a papa or daddy. I need the comfort of an easy and approachable name. I need the welcome feeling that accompanies his name. 


With so many parents I pray that I can take the best from each of them and offer my children a wonderful mother. I hope to be fun, hip, loving, stern, and compassionate. There are so many hopes I have. I cannot wait to have kids. Id love to have my own children, but until then I am really enjoying other peoples. I love all of the sweet children at work. I enjoy so much learning new ways to talk to them and to treat them better. I love watching the parents work their magic and skills to achieve a task that I have seen other parents be less successful at. I love learning from them. 


Today was a great day. I went to barre in the morning and my favorite teacher was there. I spent some time talking to her after class. She is such a strong and lovely person. When I came home Harvey and I went for a walk. Afterwards Matt came home for lunch which was a really nice treat. We took a little nap and then I met Brooke for lunch. She is such a cool person. She is a nurse and has spent a lot of her time in Haiti helping others. Her stories were inspiring, exciting and uplifting. It made me really appreciate all that we have here in the states. We are so lucky for so much but easily overlook it on a daily basis. Id love to go visit her someday. It would be crazy cool. Fingers crossed, working towards it. 


Matt just got home. Were going to watch a movie downstairs together and then have dinner and maybe go for some Joe's Italian Ice later. We love it there. We have only gone one time, but it was really fun. They have doggie ice cream and Harvey loves it! 


Love you!

A lot of work

We have a lot of work to do. Not that we have been slacking, because we have not. We have been so busy. Daddy has been working a lot and we really miss him at home. I have been working too, and during my free time I have been battling insurance companies, secretaries and billing managers. Its been a long and hectic journey, and I'm praying it will all be worth it in the end. 


Today we met a new Dr. Right a way I got a different feeling from him and also his office staff. His secretary was amazingly kind, she always had a wonderful attitude on the phone and provided me with so much attention and care. She is the perfect front face to the office. We already like her. The Dr, was nice also, He really likes football, USC in particular. Men! Daddy had to work today again so I went alone to meet him. Daddy would have liked him though because he related a lot to football. There were a lot of tests he wanted me to have done. He said he didn't like treating patients like he was a detective solving a crime. He didn't want to guess and assume. He wanted to have all the facts before making a decision otherwise it could all end up being a waste of time if we were to miss something. There are about 15 things I need from lab tests, to a yucky glucose tolerance test, to chromosome testing, to ovarian and fallopian studies to sperm analysis, to..... yeah a lot! I could go on, but that would be extremely boring. Some of the tests are time specific so I have to do things on certain days of my cycle. Talk about a pain in the butt. The Dr. said he felt confident getting me pregnant and most importantly keeping me pregnant!!! Fingers double triple crossed. He said that he wanted me to stay with him until I am 12 weeks pregnant, then he will refer me to someone who can take care of me, I will be a high risk pregnancy. We already knew that though. Silly body. I am hoping the tests all look good. He said we will try the easiest methods of baby making first, unless my body tells him that we need to jump straight to IVF. We will see. 


I am working on my relationship with God more, I'm trying not to be as distant and mad at him. I'm trying to love him completely and trying not to need to understand him. I am doing my daily devotionals which I haven't done for a year now! That's such a long time. Harvey did them with me. He puts his head on a pillow while I read the bible to him. Hes so sweet. Melts my heart! Cutie pie. 


I'm also re-reading the book The Shack, the author is an amazing man who overcame so many challenges in life and was able to share his love of God with others. So cool. So admirable. 


Today I am trying to be thankful for all the gifts that surround me. I am thankful today to be alive, to have had the opportunity to meet a new Dr. To have insurance that will help me afford to get all of the needed tests done at a reasonable price. I am thankful for Matt who is a hard working, loving husband who is so kind and generous. I am blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful and caring friends, namely Franny, Erika, Jenny, Jen, Vicki, and my love Harvey. Although he doesn't speak his presence is enough to fill my heart with joy and my face with a smile. He always wants to be around me and is always more than willing to take me on a walk. 


I truly am blessed. I pray that God uses me in life to do good for him. I am not praying for things that I want anymore rather I am praying that if God wants something and he feels like including me in that something I would be honored. I am working at being a better person, friend, daughter, wife, nurse and Harvey's mom. 

Paul Young said something in regards to his relationship with God and it really melted my heart and made me think. He said "God wants to heal us, not help us cope" What a wonderful realization. We need to be free to be healed completely. I love it!


I love you my sweet angel inside my floating ovaries. Please stay safe and when you decide its a good time to join our little family stick like crazy glue to my inside. 


Love you,
Mommy

Block Parties & Best Friends

We had our annual block party at my parents house last night it was really fun. We played beer pong, flip cup, and danced a bit. We drank a lot which was good and bad. Poor Jenny was feeling sick today. I drank beer, which I usually don't do, but I did and it was fun. Everyone had a really good time. The boys were running around, my parents seemed happy and so did my Grandma. It was nice to see smiling faces. 


Franny came home this weekend which was such a really nice treat. She really is such a wonderful person and is so easy to talk to. We both had pretty hard weeks and it was nice to be able to share my sorrows and grumpiness with someone other than Daddy. Fran is such a positive person very much like Auntie Jen. She told me that right now life is hard and that we need to encourage each other to see the good that we have and be happy for what we have because we really have so much. 


Harvey has been napping all day. He ran up and down the street during the block party. He had so much fun. This morning we went for a nice walk by the coast with Jen and Fran and then had breakfast at Eddie and Jenny's. They are so stinking cute. They just bought a house and they are so excited and so proud of it. It really is a beautiful place and they have been working so hard at fixing it up. I'm so proud and happy for them. 


Daddy is at work today. He is such a good worker. He is so smart, kind, loving and sweet. He is the best Daddy to Harvey. He is such a wonderful husband even though sometimes he really bugs me. I am working on seeing the best and believing it. Daddy needs to be told how wonderful he is. I think sometimes we worry that if you let someone know how much you love them, they might take that love for granted, but we decided that we would tell each other a lot. Its good for both of us to hear. 


Well little one I work tomorrow morning. We are having a holiday potluck, I'm bringing a salad. Yummy I made eggplant parmesan tonight. 


Love you

Soccer

Today has been a good day so far. I woke up and went to the gym which I really love doing. It was really hard and my legs were shaking so bad. I love that!!! My stomach still hurts and the cramping is still pretty bad, but I'm doing a little better. After the gym I met a friend, Erika for lunch. We ate burgers at islands. It was really nice. I told her a lot about myself and my life, which I don't normally do. Erika is such a wonderful person who I know you will love. I know she will be in my life for a long time. She and I just clicked. There are people in life you will see  who you just connect with, she is one for me. She is not only a great nurse but also a really great mommy. She has a 2 year old, his name is Noah. What a great name huh? so cute! 


Daddy and I are on our way to see his cousin Robbie play soccer, it will be my first professional soccer game, I suppose I'm excited. Ha ha I'm not a huge sports person and I really don't like loud noises especially when I'm feeling so moody and achy. I'm going for Daddy though because he wants me to. It will be fun Grammie and Papa will be there as well as Aunt T and Daddy's Grandparents. So cute! 


Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. We are going to lunch with the Penny-Robidarts which will be a really nice start to the day. Afterwards we are going to the block party on our street at my parents house. It should be really fun. I'm excited. Harvey will get to come. He loves being around people so I'm excited that we are going to be able to bring him. Another exciting thing is Franny is flying home. She is on a plane right now. We weren't sure if she would be able to catch a flight but she did and she will be here tonight. I'm so happy to see her and spend time with her. She is such a wonderful friend to me. 


Well have a good night and stay safe where ever you are. This week will be busy. We are going to meet a new Dr. and also I'm getting my hair cut...

Workin

So I've been working. Work has actually been therapeutic in the sense that it keeps me occupied and that leaves me less time to feel sorry for myself or mad at anyone. Don't get me wrong there are times I walk into the restroom and am like yup its true there is not longer a baby growing inside your tummy and I want to cry, but I have been strong. 


Tonight I walked Harvey, his right foot is hurt, he was limping. I tried looking at it to see if there was anything superficial, like maybe he stepped on glass or a bee, but I didn't see anything. He was so good, such a brave boy. It hurt so he pulled his paw away. I told him I was sorry and that I needed to look at it and I didn't mean to hurt him. I tried to relax him and then have him sit down for me. He totally did, which I know was really hard. He allowed me to push and prod at his little foot. I hope it gets better soon. He loves to go on walks and always has a blast playing. 


Yesterday Matt had the day off so he took Harvey to the park. It was really nice. They both had a lot of fun. Harvey is getting more and more brave, he runs up to the water and tries to drink it. He's silly, he is not supposed to drink water. 


After the beach Matt came home and made dinner, it was really yummy and so thoughtful of him. He made an amazing salad, spinach, filets, sauteed mushrooms, and sweet potato fries. Yummy!! He also bought me my favorite flowers...sunflowers, they totally made me smile. He is so sweet. I love him :)


Tomorrow I'm going to go back to the gym. I'm excited for that. I miss it there. Afterwards I'm going to have lunch with my friend Erika, then go to a soccer game with Matt and his family. His cousin Robbie plays for USA.  Pretty cool huh? Ya, so we are going to that then Franny is going to try flying home which would totally make my weekend. Sweet!!!!!!!!!! Then just relax, Saturday is the block party. Should be fun. Ill keep you posted. 


Over and out. 

Hard time now

Im having such a hard time. I cannot stop crying. I cry going pee, I cry getting dressed, I cry standing. Im so mad at God, which makes me feel even worse. I want to yell at him, to not talk to him anymore. I am confused as to what he wants, I pray every single day, I talk to him multiple times a day. When we found out we were pregnant I prayed almost every hours for our baby. What happens to those prayers? Those breaths wasted? The thoughts pushed away? Why does God answer some but not others. Its so hard for me to believe or even want to have faith right now. My body hurts and I feel alone, abandoned. I cant help but feel this way. I don't want to feel this way, of course Id much rather wake up and be happy and say ok Lord its ok give me strength to get through this and the day, but I cant. Instead I am angry and numb. I just don't understand, I don't see any justice, I see so many other people who don't have god and they have so much, maybe they really have nothing but maybe I want nothing to have dreams come true.

I hate the thoughts in my head. I hate being mad at God, he was the only person who stood by my side my entire life. I don't want to ask God for strength because Im mad at him and he didn't listen to my earlier prayers. So many thoughts are going through my head. Im so so sad and upset. I never cry, yet I cant seem to stop  the steady flow of fluid from my eyes. My whole life the one thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to have kids, I made good choices and got educated found a job where I could support kids and now what? Now its all pointless. I don't understand his will, I don't know if I even want to. Its so hard to believe that his will is better than mine. That his will always trumph mine. The only decision we have in this world is suicide. Thats the only plan Im sure God doesn't make for anyone. Maybe that and faith, he cant force people to believe in him.

Im not ready to be fine, to mend that relationship, to tell God that he knows best, Im not ready. Being mad does nothing for me either. It will only make me more bitter and more walled off from the world and also God.

I hope this poem helps me. Im grasping at air right now, and need to find a hand to hold onto.. Lord be that hand. I am so hurt by you, but I need you, and Love you.

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

So Upset

Today pretty much sucked. I'm so hurt, sad, angry, and heart broken all at once. I'm mad that Daddy's at work and I am here alone having another miscarriage. I'm mad that I'm having another miscarriage. I'm so angry. I'm jealous of women who are able to have babies, I feel judgemental when I look at someone and think why do you deserve to have a baby when you chose to neglect it? Or you do drugs, or you don't care for them. I feel robbed because I do my best to eat well, I exercise regularly, I am a pretty good person, I always try my best to help others. I just don't understand. I probably never will. I'm so angry I don't want to do anymore treatments. They are painful and end the exact same way. I want to yell, I want no one. Most people want their mommy or their teddy bear when they are in need of love, but not me. I have always been alone my entire life and so I have learned to want no one. Its really sad. when I cry or feel terrible I think I want my... and then I catch myself and say I want myself. 


After last night I called the Dr who said to come in. They took blood and then looked inside my cervix with a cold tool. The Dr said there was fresh blood and a lot of it. He said he does not think this pregnancy is going to make it. I'm so mad and sad. I prayed every day and night for you. I prayed all the time, almost every hour. I drank plenty of water, I am really good. I cant tell you how hard and disappointing this is. 


Thank God I have the lord to talk to, and also Erika. When I couldn't get in tough with Daddy I called her and she prayed with me right then on the phone. She offered very kind words and gave em a phone hug. It was really sweet and I'm so lucky to have a friend like her. I called daddy and asked him to come home. I really wish he would choose to be here rather than at work. This is such a hard and very sad time for me and it would be really nice to need him and have him support me. I know this is probably hard on him too, but I just wish it was different. 


The Dr said he would call me today with the lab results and that he was sure it would be bad news. Its hard to be positive after that. I burst into tears and his office aid  Delfina had to console me. She is really sweet. I pray for her, she is such a kind lady. Then it got worse as I had to walk out into the office, pay my co-pay and then leave. People were in the waiting room and there I was crying my eyes out. Susan the secretary told me not to drive home crying, and I knew I wasn't going to. I just wanted to get to my car where I could cry alone. I have such a hard time crying in front of people.  I came home and Harvey was the best. He crawled onto the couch with me and put his paw on my leg. He licked my tears and just sat there. He is so sweet. I really love him and am so happy to have him.


If there is even the slightest chance that you could be ok, healthy and make it I pray with my whole heart that you do. I pray that God grants me peace, and faith, and comfort. 

Please Lord

Lord please please please bless our baby, keep it safe, help it to grow strong. 


I'm so scared. I'm nervous and sad all at the same time. I'm trying so hard to have faith. I'm hoping that everything is ok. Today I went to work and everything seemed fine until about 6pm. I started to feel cramps in my lower belly. I was worried of course, but when I went potty there was light pink spotting which made me even more worried. The spotting is still there now and I am praying and hoping that it is normal spotting. I really hope. I was so cautiously excited, I didn't get too over excited, I tried to be happy but not too happy for fear of loosing you. 


Daddy is at work right now which makes this night even harder. I came home from work and took Harvey for a walk even though I shouldn't have. I felt bad for him being inside all day. Hes such a sweet boy. I talked to my good friend Erika who was so sweet and reassuring. She is praying for you and also for me. She is such a wonderful and kind person. I know you will love her. She told me that I could call here anytime night or day if I needed anything or was scared. That's so incredibly thoughtful and kind of her. I am so blessed to have a friend like her in my life. 


I have many wonderful friends, but I haven't gotten to share the joy of being pregnant yet. Its still too early to tell too many people, even though we really want to. 


I really hope you are safe and well inside my belly. I love you so much and am so excited to learn more about you each day. I dream of the day I get to hold you in my arms and cover your sweet face with kisses. You are already loved so much.


I love you. Please hold on strong in there.


Your nervous Mommy

Busy Day

So today was a little busy, not insane, but a healthy level of busy. I work up pretty early and went to the gym. It was an amazing class! I love working out and keeping us both healthy. Interruption...Mommy just got a text from Angela one of my friends congratulating me:) its nice to tell a few people since Daddy and I have to keep you a secret until we know you are healthy and safe. We are just bubbling at the mouth not being able to talk about you. Its tough, but will be worth it in the end. Mommy had to tell her bosses and managers at work because I work with chemotherapy which is very dangerous and toxic to babies and people in general. Mommy just needed to make sure they knew so that they could help me out with my assignments. I love taking care of the kids on my floor, but for 9 months I will take care of them slightly differently. 


After the gym I went to the Dr.'s office where they took my blood and talked to me. They are really excited for Mommy and Daddy too. We will go back next week to check my blood again and take a peek at you. Its much to early to see very much but we should be able to see you in your little sac. Were really excited. I'm even more excited to hear your heartbeat and then you!! 


Along with the excitement comes some fear too, I am cautiously excited. Daddy and I area praying that you are safe and healthy. We are praying that you chose a good location to spend the next nine months. I'm so anxious about having an ectopic pregnancy. I always have funny crampies or twinges so it makes me nervous that you might be in there. I am praying that you are not, and I'm asking God and Mommy's friend Jeremy, he' s an angel now, to watch over you. 


After I talked to my bosses I had the opportunity to help the new RN residents. It was a really nice experience. I met some really great people and I am even more excited to watch them grow in their new roles as nurses. yay!!!


Well my love Daddy is out running errands, he took Harvey with him, which is nice for Harvey, but lonely for me. I guess I should embrace this quietness because soon I will never have it again, and I'm totally ok with that:)




Daddy and I both love you. Harvey does too, we told him he couldn't jump up on Mommy because he might bump his new little brother or sister..that's you!  He said ok and gave me a hand shake. I know you are just going to love him. 


Stay safe and keep growing my little one..




Love your Mommy

Amazing grace...

Amazing grace..


that just sounds good right now. Today Mommy had a total DeJa vu day. For starters I had a nightmare that I went to work ( I requested an LCD) and when I showed up I was helping with a patient. It was about 8:20 in my dream and a nurse walked in and told me that I had a float assignment. I almost cried! I was flustered and late. Horrible!


This morning I woke up early, didn't get my LCD, went to work, ate breakfast, then walked onto the floor to get my assignment. Someone shouted hey you floated today. I was like.."what?" no!!! totally in my dream. So I floated to OICU where I was pretty busy but got to work with some really nice ladies. I love nice ladies. 


During lunch the patient from my dream was being admitted for pain. Creepy!


When I got home Daddy was cooking dinner. I knew I should wait to test on Friday simply because I hate disappointments, but I couldn't. I ran upstairs and peed on a stick...then foolishly I said to Jeremy who was one of Mommy's patients. One who I was very close to who recently passed. I asked him to give me sign that he was happy in heaven. I knew it was rude and not polite to question my faith, but I kid you not I turned towards the pee stick and it said in pretty letters the word.."Pregnant" I ran downstairs and kissed Daddy and wrapped my arms around him. He knew I couldn't wait. He knew what I was excited about right away. Daddy was so happy he got tears in his eyes. So cute! I love him. Hes going to be the best Daddy ever!!

dinner that Daddy made us:)

We are so excited little one. Now please stay safe in there. I love you and we are so happy to have you join our little family. I believe with my whole heart that you and Jeremy passed each other, you see my sweet baby, Jeremy passed away 8/12, and that was the morning Mommy and Daddy conceived you. i know God had it in his plan. God always know. I'm glad you got to meet him, I will tell you about him when you get bigger. You would have loved him. Jeremy was so wonderful with children, all the kids on the floor really liked him. He even has a baby girl he is looking over from heaven. Now he will have two:) 


I love you, and welcome to the family...eek so excited!!!!!!!!!!!

Research

Hi Baby,
I have been a horrible poster! I have on many occasions thought to myself you should post a blog for the little one, but have not. I'm sorry. I have been so busy doing a million and a half things. But I will update you now. I had a really fun fourth of July, Mommy and Daddy spent the day with my family. We watched fireworks while Mommy got eaten alive by mosquito's! I still have the welts on my arms and back :( Your uncles played with Harvey outside and everyone had a really nice time. 


The next day Grandma Jeanne and I had a nice girls day. I took her to one of my barre classes and she did a really good job. It is a very intense workout you will one day know about. I sweat so much and my muscles burn so badly but I love the challenge and look forward to pushing myself harder each time. After our workout we went to get massages that was so nice. I really needed one. I was so sore and stressed that the massage really helped to loosen by body up. Then we went to lunch at the cheesecake factory. The portions there were huge! We shared two meals and there was enough to take food home for Daddy who was very happy to have the leftovers. 


Daddy and I have been working a lot. I have been picking up extra shifts in the clinic which is nice because its a shorter day. Also the kids are healthier, they are coming in for check ups which is much different from the hospital where all the kids are pretty sick. The pace is fast and the staff is very warm and friendly. Its really friendly on my floor in the hospital too, but sometimes we are overwhelmed and its hard to smile or lend a helping hand when you are chasing your rolling head. ha ha


Any hoo Momma turned in her portfolio for a raise, so we will keep our little fingers crossed and pray that we get one. I have been working enough and feel like I totally earned it. I have educated my peers and now I am applying for a grant to do research! I am both excited and terrified at the same time. I want to educate people on holistic options for cancer treatment. I am researching the use of iv vitamin c working alongside chemo, its not what I ultimately want, but its a little less far fetched. I had many people roll their eyes and laugh at the idea, but Daddy said not to give up, he also said " all new inventions are met with hostility." Changes are hard and are often times met with resistance. Daddy really gave me the push I needed to keep working when he said that. My proposal is due Monday and I have come across so much information. There are very few doctors that have clinics here in the united states. I wish I had the funds to visit them and absorb some of their information and knowledge. That would rock!


Ill keep you posted on all of that research business. Now lets talk about you! Daddy and I have been working very very hard for you. I cant believe how much work it is to conceive. I knew it would probably be hard, my doctors always told me it would be, but I had no idea it would be so hard. I am trying to be patient, but its so hard. I bought an ovulation kit this month and so I will start using that tomorrow maybe to see when you might decide to drop into my cervix and then Daddy can water you. lol sorry that was a bit too much information. The point is we are trying something new. If are still unable to get pregnant then there are other options. The doctors talked about another surgery to help get rid of more endometriosis, but I really don't want to do that. If I get surgery then we have to wait a few weeks before we can try safely. Also there will be more scar tissue which will cause more complications with attachment. Fertility drugs...dun dun dun... they just don't sound fun and they are expensive. Id much rather spend my money on spoiling you! Any way if you decide that you want to come naturally now is the time my little sweetie pie. We also have decided on some pretty cool names..just saying..


I love you.


Your Mommy