Hard time now

Im having such a hard time. I cannot stop crying. I cry going pee, I cry getting dressed, I cry standing. Im so mad at God, which makes me feel even worse. I want to yell at him, to not talk to him anymore. I am confused as to what he wants, I pray every single day, I talk to him multiple times a day. When we found out we were pregnant I prayed almost every hours for our baby. What happens to those prayers? Those breaths wasted? The thoughts pushed away? Why does God answer some but not others. Its so hard for me to believe or even want to have faith right now. My body hurts and I feel alone, abandoned. I cant help but feel this way. I don't want to feel this way, of course Id much rather wake up and be happy and say ok Lord its ok give me strength to get through this and the day, but I cant. Instead I am angry and numb. I just don't understand, I don't see any justice, I see so many other people who don't have god and they have so much, maybe they really have nothing but maybe I want nothing to have dreams come true.

I hate the thoughts in my head. I hate being mad at God, he was the only person who stood by my side my entire life. I don't want to ask God for strength because Im mad at him and he didn't listen to my earlier prayers. So many thoughts are going through my head. Im so so sad and upset. I never cry, yet I cant seem to stop  the steady flow of fluid from my eyes. My whole life the one thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to have kids, I made good choices and got educated found a job where I could support kids and now what? Now its all pointless. I don't understand his will, I don't know if I even want to. Its so hard to believe that his will is better than mine. That his will always trumph mine. The only decision we have in this world is suicide. Thats the only plan Im sure God doesn't make for anyone. Maybe that and faith, he cant force people to believe in him.

Im not ready to be fine, to mend that relationship, to tell God that he knows best, Im not ready. Being mad does nothing for me either. It will only make me more bitter and more walled off from the world and also God.

I hope this poem helps me. Im grasping at air right now, and need to find a hand to hold onto.. Lord be that hand. I am so hurt by you, but I need you, and Love you.

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

So Upset

Today pretty much sucked. I'm so hurt, sad, angry, and heart broken all at once. I'm mad that Daddy's at work and I am here alone having another miscarriage. I'm mad that I'm having another miscarriage. I'm so angry. I'm jealous of women who are able to have babies, I feel judgemental when I look at someone and think why do you deserve to have a baby when you chose to neglect it? Or you do drugs, or you don't care for them. I feel robbed because I do my best to eat well, I exercise regularly, I am a pretty good person, I always try my best to help others. I just don't understand. I probably never will. I'm so angry I don't want to do anymore treatments. They are painful and end the exact same way. I want to yell, I want no one. Most people want their mommy or their teddy bear when they are in need of love, but not me. I have always been alone my entire life and so I have learned to want no one. Its really sad. when I cry or feel terrible I think I want my... and then I catch myself and say I want myself. 


After last night I called the Dr who said to come in. They took blood and then looked inside my cervix with a cold tool. The Dr said there was fresh blood and a lot of it. He said he does not think this pregnancy is going to make it. I'm so mad and sad. I prayed every day and night for you. I prayed all the time, almost every hour. I drank plenty of water, I am really good. I cant tell you how hard and disappointing this is. 


Thank God I have the lord to talk to, and also Erika. When I couldn't get in tough with Daddy I called her and she prayed with me right then on the phone. She offered very kind words and gave em a phone hug. It was really sweet and I'm so lucky to have a friend like her. I called daddy and asked him to come home. I really wish he would choose to be here rather than at work. This is such a hard and very sad time for me and it would be really nice to need him and have him support me. I know this is probably hard on him too, but I just wish it was different. 


The Dr said he would call me today with the lab results and that he was sure it would be bad news. Its hard to be positive after that. I burst into tears and his office aid  Delfina had to console me. She is really sweet. I pray for her, she is such a kind lady. Then it got worse as I had to walk out into the office, pay my co-pay and then leave. People were in the waiting room and there I was crying my eyes out. Susan the secretary told me not to drive home crying, and I knew I wasn't going to. I just wanted to get to my car where I could cry alone. I have such a hard time crying in front of people.  I came home and Harvey was the best. He crawled onto the couch with me and put his paw on my leg. He licked my tears and just sat there. He is so sweet. I really love him and am so happy to have him.


If there is even the slightest chance that you could be ok, healthy and make it I pray with my whole heart that you do. I pray that God grants me peace, and faith, and comfort. 

Please Lord

Lord please please please bless our baby, keep it safe, help it to grow strong. 


I'm so scared. I'm nervous and sad all at the same time. I'm trying so hard to have faith. I'm hoping that everything is ok. Today I went to work and everything seemed fine until about 6pm. I started to feel cramps in my lower belly. I was worried of course, but when I went potty there was light pink spotting which made me even more worried. The spotting is still there now and I am praying and hoping that it is normal spotting. I really hope. I was so cautiously excited, I didn't get too over excited, I tried to be happy but not too happy for fear of loosing you. 


Daddy is at work right now which makes this night even harder. I came home from work and took Harvey for a walk even though I shouldn't have. I felt bad for him being inside all day. Hes such a sweet boy. I talked to my good friend Erika who was so sweet and reassuring. She is praying for you and also for me. She is such a wonderful and kind person. I know you will love her. She told me that I could call here anytime night or day if I needed anything or was scared. That's so incredibly thoughtful and kind of her. I am so blessed to have a friend like her in my life. 


I have many wonderful friends, but I haven't gotten to share the joy of being pregnant yet. Its still too early to tell too many people, even though we really want to. 


I really hope you are safe and well inside my belly. I love you so much and am so excited to learn more about you each day. I dream of the day I get to hold you in my arms and cover your sweet face with kisses. You are already loved so much.


I love you. Please hold on strong in there.


Your nervous Mommy

Busy Day

So today was a little busy, not insane, but a healthy level of busy. I work up pretty early and went to the gym. It was an amazing class! I love working out and keeping us both healthy. Interruption...Mommy just got a text from Angela one of my friends congratulating me:) its nice to tell a few people since Daddy and I have to keep you a secret until we know you are healthy and safe. We are just bubbling at the mouth not being able to talk about you. Its tough, but will be worth it in the end. Mommy had to tell her bosses and managers at work because I work with chemotherapy which is very dangerous and toxic to babies and people in general. Mommy just needed to make sure they knew so that they could help me out with my assignments. I love taking care of the kids on my floor, but for 9 months I will take care of them slightly differently. 


After the gym I went to the Dr.'s office where they took my blood and talked to me. They are really excited for Mommy and Daddy too. We will go back next week to check my blood again and take a peek at you. Its much to early to see very much but we should be able to see you in your little sac. Were really excited. I'm even more excited to hear your heartbeat and then you!! 


Along with the excitement comes some fear too, I am cautiously excited. Daddy and I area praying that you are safe and healthy. We are praying that you chose a good location to spend the next nine months. I'm so anxious about having an ectopic pregnancy. I always have funny crampies or twinges so it makes me nervous that you might be in there. I am praying that you are not, and I'm asking God and Mommy's friend Jeremy, he' s an angel now, to watch over you. 


After I talked to my bosses I had the opportunity to help the new RN residents. It was a really nice experience. I met some really great people and I am even more excited to watch them grow in their new roles as nurses. yay!!!


Well my love Daddy is out running errands, he took Harvey with him, which is nice for Harvey, but lonely for me. I guess I should embrace this quietness because soon I will never have it again, and I'm totally ok with that:)




Daddy and I both love you. Harvey does too, we told him he couldn't jump up on Mommy because he might bump his new little brother or sister..that's you!  He said ok and gave me a hand shake. I know you are just going to love him. 


Stay safe and keep growing my little one..




Love your Mommy

Amazing grace...

Amazing grace..


that just sounds good right now. Today Mommy had a total DeJa vu day. For starters I had a nightmare that I went to work ( I requested an LCD) and when I showed up I was helping with a patient. It was about 8:20 in my dream and a nurse walked in and told me that I had a float assignment. I almost cried! I was flustered and late. Horrible!


This morning I woke up early, didn't get my LCD, went to work, ate breakfast, then walked onto the floor to get my assignment. Someone shouted hey you floated today. I was like.."what?" no!!! totally in my dream. So I floated to OICU where I was pretty busy but got to work with some really nice ladies. I love nice ladies. 


During lunch the patient from my dream was being admitted for pain. Creepy!


When I got home Daddy was cooking dinner. I knew I should wait to test on Friday simply because I hate disappointments, but I couldn't. I ran upstairs and peed on a stick...then foolishly I said to Jeremy who was one of Mommy's patients. One who I was very close to who recently passed. I asked him to give me sign that he was happy in heaven. I knew it was rude and not polite to question my faith, but I kid you not I turned towards the pee stick and it said in pretty letters the word.."Pregnant" I ran downstairs and kissed Daddy and wrapped my arms around him. He knew I couldn't wait. He knew what I was excited about right away. Daddy was so happy he got tears in his eyes. So cute! I love him. Hes going to be the best Daddy ever!!

dinner that Daddy made us:)

We are so excited little one. Now please stay safe in there. I love you and we are so happy to have you join our little family. I believe with my whole heart that you and Jeremy passed each other, you see my sweet baby, Jeremy passed away 8/12, and that was the morning Mommy and Daddy conceived you. i know God had it in his plan. God always know. I'm glad you got to meet him, I will tell you about him when you get bigger. You would have loved him. Jeremy was so wonderful with children, all the kids on the floor really liked him. He even has a baby girl he is looking over from heaven. Now he will have two:) 


I love you, and welcome to the family...eek so excited!!!!!!!!!!!