Losing it

Tonight was a really hard night for me. It took me by surprise because I haven't had a night or day for that matter this bad in a long time. 

My days have been busy, consumed with life, family, dr visits and the journey to healing. Today was no different. It seemed normal. I woke with a massive migraine but pushed through the day. I met Megan and Mila in the morning. Megan brought 85 degrees. Delicious bread from a bakery in irvine. This bread was one of the first gifts she gave me. I remember I was almost 25 weeks pregnant in the hospital then. She gave Matt and I and entire loaf and we devoured it immediately. We sat together today, Megan sipping chai tea and me having water while we ate our bread and reminisced about the journey that brought us together. It was a happy meeting and we parted ways excited to reunite again tomorrow. She is a dear friend to me. After our meeting I met with family for lunch. We talked and talked. After lunch I headed home to be with my sweet Harvey. Soon my friend Melissa came for a visit. I hadn't seen her in months so we had a lot of catching up to do. I filled her in on my life and she did the same. She left and I painted my toes. I felt exhausted, my head still aching but my body feeling ready for sleep so I kissed Harvey and headed up to bed. Matt called which doesn't normally happen so I eagerly took the call and relished each second I was able to hear his voice. We have come so far and survived so much together. It's been an amazing testament to us both on how strong love can really be when you choose to love and fight. We said goodnight not sure when we would speak again but knowing we would be in each others company Saturday evening. I laid down and got into my nightly routine of tucking my prayer blanket around my belly, my pillows nestled around my back, head and in-between my legs. Mr bear in my arms and my sweet Grace and Wyatt dolls nestled under my chin against my chest close to my heart. My mind wandered as I rested my eyes. I tried to find sleep but my body fought me. We will be celebrating the birth and deaths of Grace and Wyatt in a few short months. My mind wandered to what I wanted to do for their first birthday. Would it just be Matt and me? Would we share the time with our family and friends? Would people think we were weird for doing anything at all?! The pain of uncertainty made me sad and I thought of the babies more. I thought of how the first time we got to hold them was the last time we held them. We delivered them only to have them be rushed to the Nicu. We didn't experience pregnancy, birth or parenthood like most people do. Our exhaustion was a different type if exhaustion. Our hearts were so full with both love and great sadness. I started to cry and thought I could control myself but before I knew it I had lost it. The noise escaping from my throat was the horrid sound I had made for months after losing them. My nose was so stuffy that I couldn't blow it well but it ran. My eyes burned like they had been lit on fire. My body ached and my heart pounded fiercely. I couldn't catch my breath. I felt terrified. I was alone. I thought of calling someone but recanted quickly not knowing who exactly to call. So many people are here for us, but honestly when I'm in my deepest aching there isn't one person besides Matt who I think can understand, love and comfort me. I have friends who have suffered similar losses but I fear in calling them I will cause them pain or relapse so I withhold. I worry that calling my parents will result in them feeling the need to fix me and them accidentally saying things that are ultimately hurtful. They just don't know how to fix me and really they can't. No words help at all and it won't get better. I think of Matt but quickly decide not to tell him I'm struggling because I know his focus needs to be on work, not on me at home. I think I need to be strong for him so he can work hard and be successful. So that leaves me at 2am in my room with the lights on because I'm terrified of what I have no idea. I'm alone, sad and besides myself in agony. How did this happen to us? Why did our babies die?! Why do anyone's babies die?! My heart is so heavy with grief. It's amazing how we can move along this journey for so long and then just fall into pieces.

As I find the strength and courage to work my way back into the light I think of things that hurt or make my walk harder:

I'm just not ready to hear about other people's deliveries. I don't want to know how long you were dilated and how late your baby is. It just reminds me of what I longed for. One day I will meet your baby and Im telling you it will take every ounce of strength not to have a freaking melt down in front of you. I will tell you your baby is beautiful but it will at the same time rip my heart into shreds remembering my beautiful babies and what I am living without. 

I'm not ready to forget Grace and Wyatt. I never will be. I am their mother and always will be. They will always be a part of me. Forever. 

Having another baby or having the hope of bringing a baby home in the future does not erase the pain I feel. It actually intensifies it in a way. All of that pain is felt again and again. Then the guilt that accompanies that pain makes one feel even worse. The fear that others will forget Grace and Wyatt causes me to ache. The fear of not being a good parent because I'm consumed by pain and grief freaks me out. 

The passive aggressiveness of others has been something that has really caused my heart to ache lately. How people can be so self centered. I agree everyone is allowed to be selfish in life once in awhile. I'm not ready to do everything people want me to do. I'm still healing. I'm recovering and learning to live. I'm making daily decisions based on how I feel and what I know I can realistically manage. I'm not willing to push myself out of my comfort zone for anyone other than myself or Matt at this point in my life. That is me being selfish. That is me making sure my best interest is my priority. I am my own advocate and I will be a better one than I have been. 

Father's Day

Father's Day!!! Such a funny day to me. I mean really all of the Hallmark holidays seem cheesy to me, but I still celebrate them like much of the world. It just seems like everyday should be filled with appreciation and love for one another, why make this one day different? I mean what should I do today that I don't do daily? I mean I tell Matt that I am proud of him, that he's a great daddy and that we love him every single day. I admire and respect him, I cook and clean for him.. its just our norm. Now my Dad perhaps is a bit different in this aspect, but I think its only because as we become adults and grow into our own lives we pull away from daily conversations with our parents. I'm not saying we all go days without speaking to our parents but its more common the older we get. Still when I do call my parents I tell them I love them. I hope they don't need cards or gifts on one day out of the year to know that they are loved and admired by me. This being said it is fathers day and I wanted to make it an extra special day for Matt. 

This year has been consumed by grief, mourning, new jobs, school and responsibility...what a drag! haha I mean in all honesty we have grown a lot and we can't complain too much but Matt deserved to be pampered today. I knew it would be both a happy and sad day for him. After loss we all too often ask how is the wife doing, how is she holding up, and rarely we see how the dad is. Matt really struggled after Grace and Wyatt passed. I think it was really hard for him watching me lose it and not really know if I would make it back. He told me one day that he felt like he had not only lost Grace and Wyatt but the wife he had married, that I was now a shell that resembled the woman he fell in love with, but that a large part of me had died and he was just devastated. I felt sad, but couldn't force myself to return to my old self. How could I? Like Matt said that person had died with Grace and Wyatt and a new woman was emerging. Slowly and painfully I started shaping into some form of a person. I am still forming, but I must say its been better for Matt. We went to countless therapy sessions and poured so much energy into our relationship and healing. We learned to love better, differently, all encompassing, the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly. We learned how to respect one another differently and most of all how to communicate in a respectful way as to be gentle and loving to the others feelings. We are growing, its pretty amazing to be less selfish beings... 


To the man who stuck by my side. Who supported me as we endured countless rounds of fertility treatments, who rubbed my belly as it grew with our babies safe inside, who held our children's hands as they grew, who loved them each and every day, to the man who held them with me as they left this earth, the man who encouraged me to try again and to fight for not only my life but the lives of our children...I love you and am so grateful to have you be my children's father. 

A Father's Grief
By Eileen Knight Hagemeister

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief.
Since "men don't cry" and  "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test.
And field calls and visitors
So that she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's alright
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, how are you?"

He hears her cry in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
And dries her tears and comforts her
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.-

Today at church they gave all the Dad's root beer! They did a cheer together and all sipped their cold beers during the lesson. 

Daddy holding Gracies hand

Wyatt holding Daddy's Finger

Daddy and his big boy Harvey...

Relish

Boy it's been a long time since I've posted here. It's not that I don't have anything to say, because trust me I do. It's just that I've been too selfish to publicly share  myself with others. I've been relishing in my own time with my family and my closest friends. I know this blog reaches many, and I know it's a source of information sharing and a reality check for many. I love being able to reach out to so many people and offer support or reassurance that we are not crazy we are normal grieving people and sadly we are not alone. I have met SO many people through this blog. So many strong, loving people who reach out and tell me I'm strong... CRAZY! But perhaps I've paved some sort of path that my friends can travel easier down. I like that and it makes this journey a little more tolerable knowing I'm helping friends who will follow me. 

Without going into extreme amounts of detail I will tell you that these last few months have been spent healing and growing. I have become so well educated in certain aspects of my life. I have spoken to the pioneers of life saving procedures. I have learned that doctors, while some are brilliant many are just people who don't know very much but claim to. I have learned to be a better advocate for myself. I have learned to keep my mouth shut more often than not. I've learned to keep my private life private, and to share details only with those who can respect my wishes of privacy. It's been hard. I normally like to share as much information as possible when asked. I will say though that I don't like to cause worry or alarm to family or friends and have been known to undergo surgical procedures without mentioning it to anyone..I'm getting better. Ha! My hope is to help educate a vast majority of people. In my next few blogs I will share some of the information I've spent months researching. I've spoken to the best of the best.. It's been a wild and exciting journey.. Buckle up and join us for the ride..