Magic wand

Most people I encounter speak of this "magic wand". They make reference to it as thought it existed at one time in their lifetime. This wand is said to be "magic" because upon waiving it you can fix or wash away someone else's problems or pain. I long for the idea of a "magic wand". If it existed I would have searched the world high and low to spare the parents of my patients the pain and suffering they have endured, to bring Grace and Wyatt back, and to help anyone who needed help. Last week I lost another person I was very close to. My beautiful patient zoey died peacefully at home with her parents and siblings by her side. She fought for two long years. She endured countless surgical procedures, port accesses, infections, fevers, nausea and vomiting. She lost all her hair and much of her weight. She lost out on her adolescence. She didn't get to get married, to attend prom, or to kiss a boy. She was cheated. As I sobbed for her and my own babies, my heart throbbed with an unimaginable pain. The pain was not only for me in my sadness, it reached much farther than that. The pain ripped from my body and carried into the bodies of her family. I wept because for the first time in my young innocent life I knew exactly what her parents felt. I knew the pain that would come to them. The heartbreak as days passed, holidays came and left, seasons changed and yet their hearts would still be broken. I so badly wished to protect them from that pain. That pain that I felt every day since you passed. The pain that now loomed over my body like a heavy dark cloud. The pain that held my heart like a snake squeezes its prey. The pain that wouldn't leave no matter what was said or done. Pain that felt lighter one moment and then came crashing down on my brittle frame the very next. For the first time I had words to share. Words that were honest and accurate. Of course when people say sorry it's nice, but other than that your walking a fine line with words. Nothing helps, nothing comforts, there is no cure. I spoke at the funeral. As I walked to the podium I thought I would pass out. I was too weak to do this. My loss to fresh, my heart too weak, my voice to fragile. I couldn't write my words out. I stood in front of the church trembling, my voice quivering, the blood draining from my face and pooling at my feet. Don't be a fool, don't say something hurtful or stupid, be honest. As I peered out at the church each seat was filled, pictures lined the aisles and walls. Her family sat two short feet in front of me. If I reached forward I could touch them. I was nervous! My mouth opened and I introduced myself. My words were as follows:

Hello, my name is Andrea. I met Zoey as a nurse at CHOC. I was zoeys first nurse and we immediately took to one another. Her smile and spirit were infectious. Although she had a poor prognosis she never gave up. She always told me she was strong and she really was. She made me laugh always. I loved watching her rip nurses heads off. She knew who she liked and who she didn't and she told you! One fond memory I have with zoey was one where I was changing her port needles. I remember gathering my supplies and giggling. Zoeys was the hardest port on the floor and I took pride at being the best at accessing it. She requested me always and if I was off she would wait. It made me smile how stubborn she was, and how good I was. I walked in with my supplies and zoey said to me, " you get one shot! Then your done!". I laughed. A port is a medical device that is inserted into the chest. It's tucked into a pocket and surrounded by skin. You can't see it under the skin, but with your fingers you can feel it. We use large 1" needles to puncture through the skin into just the right spot. This is hard since you are 

not able to visually see where you need to go. You go with blind faith. I then thanked her parents for raising such a loving beautiful daughter. I promised that she would never me forgotten. I encouraged them to speak about her, to say her name and share memories of her. To create traditions and to journal if they wanted. I told them that fighting was normal, and that burying a baby was not. To hold tight to one another during this time. I told them to yell, to cry and laugh even. I told them they would live through this, but that their lives would never be normal again. Their hearts would always ache. They would see a child at 19 years old and wonder what zoey would look like, what college she would attend. Before I left the podium I glanced around the full room. I said, "look around you, look how much support and love this family has. I beg you to stay, in two months when the dust has settled, in six, in a year. Reach out and lift this family up, because that's when they will truly need your support. After the shock of zoeys death dissipates and reality sets in, be there." I then walked down and hugged zoeys mom, dad, and siblings. Her parents thanked me for speaking, for being a part of her life inside the hospital. I thanked ten for allowing me to play a role in her life and her care. They made my job worthwhile. They make me happy I do what I do. The outcomes are not always ones we hope for or want, but these patents still live, they remember, they support each other. 

As I analyzed myself I felt weak. Like a leaf fallen from the trees in fall. Brittle, thin and ready to crack in a minute. Grace and Wyatt's deaths can't destroy me. I want to be a good person, I want to life others up an offer love and support. I want to touch lives and make changes no matter how big or small. 

Today I felt lighter. Almost the tip of happiness coursed through my veins. I had fresh hope, longing and some satisfaction. I played fetch with Harvey and he played hide and go seek with me. I love when he plays that game! I painted!! I cooked dinner! I did a lot. I did have some hard minutes today, but I tried my hardest not to let them drag me down. I tried to laugh and look towards tonight. To not dwell on tomorrow, or next week, to focus on now. My happiness may have only been momentary, but it was here and that gave me the spark I needed to start a small fire. Now to add fuel to that fire.....

Side note: today as I was leaving my doctors office I received a text from a friend, acquaintance rather. She brought me lunch while I was on bed rest, she text me encouraging words, and she sent me cards. She is a beautiful woman inside and out. She text me to let me know that she has kept me, Grace, Wyatt and Matt close at heart and mind. She then told me that she could connect with me on the same level and she was hurting, and looking for a friend to lean on. Today I surprised myself. I got to be the person who offered to bring lunch after a loss. I got to offer my words and presence as a support. I had the strength to help not only myself, but a friend. Today I was strong. 

Un-Thankful Thanksgiving

My un-thankful thanksgiving. It sounds beyond awful I know. Thanksgiving used to be my all time favorite holiday. I longed all year for it. I relished the crisp air outdoors and the warmth inside as the turkey baked in the oven and the stovetop was cluttered with Harvey and potatoes splattering over. The mess excited me. I loved cleaning up afterwards, listening to the stories family and friends shared in the background. The laughter, the full bellies the brave chatter or emerging for black friday. I used to write everyone a note telling them why i was thankful for them and would hand them out at dinner. Then after thanksgiving I would hurry home sleep and rise early to decorate my entire hose in a Christmas winter wonderland. I loved decorating. I waited all year for it. I often times would beg to set up early and was always turned down saying of you do it will become less special to you. So I waited and waited all year for the exciting day after Christmas when I would pull all my boxes from the stage and set the tree, lights and garland everywhere! It smelled, looked and felt like Christmas. this year no of it mattered at all. 

When I was younger I used to be able to take each day as a blessing, a gift. No matter what the previous day had dealt me I tried to live the next day new, fresh, unbiased. I tried to be better, more grateful and more helpful. I truly enjoyed helping others, playing with family and taking everyone in. This year is different. While a small part of me still enjoys being with my family and friends a large part of me is silently suffering. I am dying slowly and quietly inside. My heart and stomach are so pained it hurts to do anything. I try to submerge myself in conversation, laughter and meal time but I am suffering badly the entire time. I try to hide the pain and end up in a daze, most often nodding or agreeing with statements but not listening. It's so hard to be present when the present aches so badly. It's hard to talk about my pain, my helplessness my deep depression and sadness from within. I think it frightens people and it's so uncomfortable. Most people don't talk about how they really feel and so when we do it's super awkward. Also I'm sure it's easier to believe the lie that we are ok than to swallow the bitter reality that we are not. This is not something I can get on top of, get around or even go through easily. It's a long journey I am slowly walking through. 

Today my stomach is completely sour. It churns and squeezes with pain. I've run to the bathroom throwing up the lid and heaving into the toilet hoping to eliminate whatever is ailing me but have been unsuccessful. It feels like fire burning me from within. I sat sobbing on the couch with Harvey, him curled in a ball, my head on his back, then his chest. I sob and cry out, small whimpers escape my throat and he is mortified watching me. His warm tongue wipes the spot between my eyes and the bridge of my nose where the tears catch. I am thankful for him and plead for him to help me. I sob to him telling him how much I love him and how much Grace and Wyatt would have adored him. How wonderful he would have been with them. I blow my nose for the hundredth time and sob my way upstairs where I enter your room. Still set up for you. It's a nice room, so much sunlight pours through the window. I gather your soft blankets, your names embroidered on them and I wrap myself into our rocking chair. The sobs and whimpers continue to escape my body as I rock back and forth , back and forth in an effort to soothe my shaking body. As I rock the hot tears spill from my face onto the chair, I hug your blankets tighter and I think one day I will cry less, one day my tears will run out, one day it might not hurt as bad. One day I will be with you again. 

I can't help to think that you should have been here with us today. Yesterday enjoying the family that surrounded me, the smells, the noise. You should have been passed from one person to the next, your head and sweet hands smothered with kisses. You should have been here. How can I be thankful after the most important thing has been ripped away from me. How can I sit here watching life revolve around me when my own has completely shattered into a million pieces. How can I watch others swaddle their newborns while I look into an empty room, a box filled with ashes, pictures. My heart is filled with sorrow. 

 Harvey was so good watching the turkey cook. So sweet:)

I wish you were both here in my arms with us. We miss you so much!

Learning to live without him

That statement makes me wince. Not from pain but perhaps from a deeper level. One of denial and uncertainties. One of partial betrayal but also complete resolve. 

Growing up religion was forced upon me. It wasn't a choice it was an expectation. A right of passage. It was the right thing to do and so we did it. I went to catholic school and church.  I was baptized before I could talk and did communion and confession before I truly understood the significance of it. Church was a routine, like a robot Sunday after Sunday we sat, stood, sat, stood and repeated verse after verse, hymn after hymn. It was the same routine every week in the catholic church. Nothing ever changed except for the 5-10 minute lesson. The lesson was always in a dialog I couldn't understand and as a kid it was down right boring. I've always felt pity for the kids that were too old for Sunday school but too young for mass. They were expected to act as adults and go along with the routine. They were forced to stay awake and pay attention to words they couldn't comprehend. If they didn't obey they were punished. What type of parents think that's ok to do? What lesson are they teaching their young forming children? I personally don't believe it's right. Force faith another way, one that they can relate to and possibly choose to like. Small soap box I apologize. Anyway religion was a means of survival to me as a kid. It was the hope I survived life by. The hope that life wouldn't always be shitty. That there was a higher power who could help make things right or better someday. After watching life crumble around and more recently within me that perspective took a wild turn. I watch so many patients, kids, babies and people suffer all over the world. I watch numerous people pray, beg and plead. Many live lives that are admirable and are still so heart broken by unjust tragedies. Those we see as leaders or examples of goodness and should be our role models are most often the biggest Hippocrates, and sinners. Just gonna put it out there catholic priests molesting innocent children.?! If there is such a great god how is it that he allows that to happen? Right... Also I'm not saying believing is bad, I'm just saying be open to other peoples views. 

I am done believing and having a relationship with god. I am happy in my decision, and while I miss the hope I had In That god I also feel free. I am free to be my own person, to live my life and to be present in my hardships. I'm not dwelling on this miracle person who neglected to hear the thousands of prayers or pleas to save our babies. I know he has no power, simply because he is a fictional character. I am living the reality of the situation. I can't believe that someone controls everything. It's not possible. Think about it, one person controls the world, so he picks who drives bentleys, who has hondas, who is an Olympian and who's babes die? I simply refuse to believe that. 

Daddy on the other hand believes in this god. He thinks he's a good person, but is suffering within himself because he is heart broken that a good person would allow such pain into our world, our lives and our existence. He struggles with the beliefs the church forces upon people. Beliefs that are man made but god ruled. Beliefs that ivf and surrogacy are sinful. Beliefs that children are gifts from him Don't ask me how child molesters, abusive parents  and prostitutes have kids. Don't ask me why using science to procreate is evil but the use of man made antibiotics and vaccines are not. Its complete brainwash to have control over people. I hate it, and think anyone who puts complete stock in it is uneducated and not able to think on their own. I support Daddy in his religion, I just chose not to partake in it.  I will never force my views on him, just like I respect him for not forcing his on me. I hope he learns to respect my views although its hard to. I am not saying I will never go to church or pray for someone. I will support someone in their belief and if it brings them comfort or peace I will pray kind words over them. Those kind words brought me peace before. I am no longer innocent. I know the truth and am living proof of it. I am happy in my current position. I believe wonderful people can be met at church, they seem to be eager to improve their lives and touch the lives of others positively. I also know many people who are not good, who go to church to fulfill a duty, as a check list. They live their lives during the week as they see fit and then clean the slate Sunday. I'm not saying its wrong I'm just saying I don't wish to live my life that way. 

The relationships I will continue to hold will be meaningful ones that make my life better. Relationships that I give and take from. Im exhausted of giving always. I wont take always either and if I'm ever in a relationship where you feel like I do please bring me to reality and tell me or end the friendship. It is not my intention to be rude or hurtful, but my time is valuable, and yours is too!  I refuse to waste more time on people or things that don't matter to me. Be genuine, don't waste your or my time. Be honest, live and love freely, and the right people will accept ad love you for who you truly are. Be happy with the person you are, or are trying to be. No one is perfect and how boring would it be if we were. We all make mistakes, we all screw up, and we all do shitty things sometimes. Having the insight and willingness to accept, acknowledge and be willing to change are all we need to improve if we chose to do so.  We don't need god to help us change or be good, we just need drive and a good support system. Most of my best friends who are amazing, honest and hard working people believe in being good, but don't actually go to church or believe in god. I felt sad for them before, but now I respect their opinions even more. Religion is a choice. It's a mindset. It's not right or wrong, it's yours. You need to feel comfortable in it and without it. Pick what you believe and don't allow anyone to pressure you into changing those thoughts. think about it. There are so many different religions, even the lack of religion is a form of beliefs. There is no right or wrong way to live. Just live as someone you would be happy knowing or being at the end of the day. Besides who really knows what happens when we die?! I surely don't. I just know I want to be a positive influence in people's lives and I want to be remembered as a great person.    

This blog wasn't intended to be hurtful to anyone. I am thankful for your support, prayers and hopes. I will respect your wishes and views and I hope you can do the same for me. Please don't force your views on me, If you would like to talk more about the matter with me I am open to that. I am not however open to a debate about how my thoughts or feelings are wrong, sinful or inaccurate. That is your opinion and I will allow you to keep it. Xo 

Two Months Ago

Two months ago today at 12:55 and 12:56 you were born. You lived with us for five days and then you left. We miss you every second of every minute of everyday. You are always in our hearts.

We love you!
Mommy Daddy and Harvey

Darkness

I am sitting here in complete shock. I am stuck between reality and dream. I so badly want to push these thoughts from my mind. To wake up and have everything be OK. To have you here again. To know you for longer than five days. I am so sad. Sad that you are not here, sad that you are gone, that I don't get to know you more. You should be here now. You should be safe growing inside my belly, we should be smiling and giddy thinking about you joining our family. Rather our days are filled with tears, enough tears to fill a new ocean from bottom up. So many tissues used that we should buy stock in Kleenex. 

As I sit here I can't help but think how is this possible? How is this MY life? How did this happen? Why me? Why Daddy? Tears pour down my face and I can't stop them. My heart is so broken. I am so alone. There isn't anyone in the world who knows how alone I feel, how badly I ache, how empty I feel. This week I seriously thought I was borderline crazy. Crazy like take myself to a psych hospital crazy. I just could not imagine living life in this type of pain a minute longer. I really didn't feel like I had any reason to live. You are gone so what is the point of living everyday in constant pain? I cried and cried, I talked to Daddy and told him exactly how I felt. We talked about how going to a special hospital might help me. We also talked about how it could hurt me. At the hospital I would be taken away from him. I would spend the night in a room with a roommate, we would have limited sheets, certain clothes we could wear, shoes without laces, excessive amounts of medication to mask my feelings, to bury my thoughts. I would be forced to go to group counseling, forced to eat their food, allowed to visit Daddy when they said I could. It sounded worse than the prison of my own body and mind. At least here I have access to my true feelings. I know they are hard to live with and I know the pain is intolerable, but here I know I have Harvey, I have Daddy, and I have my family and friends. I get to sleep in my own bed, I drink my water and eat my food. I go outside and walk Harvey. I try to get better. I really try. 

This week these emotions were the worst that they have ever been. After talking to Daddy last night we chalked it up to many things. My hormones are very wacky.  I haven't slept in about three months.  I am worried about everything. I feel completely alone and deserted. And a huge factor is changed my medications recently. I hate relying on medications to control my mood. I never realized just what an effect they had on me until I stopped one drug and started another. My moods went from sad with no outward expressions of my sadness to completely devastated, depressed and an outward wreck. I was mean, my words were hurtful, I fought so hard to push Daddy away. I wanted to die. I hurt so badly. I was ugly inside and out. I hated me for hurting Daddy, for losing you. I resented myself for everything. It was bad, really really bad. I thought of ways to die. I thought of ways to die so it wasn't messy. I thought of people I wanted to thank for supporting me in life. I thought of how my family and friends would feel afterwards. I thought of how Daddy would feel, how his life would be. Would he be OK and go on to be a wonderful fireman, would he marry again and finally start a family with someone who could actually have kids the normal way? through intimacy and love? or would my death destroy him? would it be me ruining him yet again? I couldn't bear those thoughts. Mostly I was sad for Harvey. I was sad to leave him. I was afraid he would forget me, or even worse remember me and know I had chosen to leave him. My thoughts were scary, ugly and dark. I laid in my bed sobbing, begging, yelling, hating a GOD who had broken my heart and shattered my life into a million pieces.  To my surprise Daddy didn't leave. He held me in our bed and when I pushed his arms away he laid in bed with me, his heart filled with love and concern for me. He has never seen me in such a state. No one has. I have never even in my darkest times been that low. I have never felt so alone. So afraid, so full of emptyness. He stayed and talked to me. He listened and he tried to understand. He will never know how I feel inside, no one can ever know the pain that soars through my body. The energy it takes to suck air into my lungs and even more so to force it out. The pain eases ever so slightly when I inhale. I try to hold my breath and not move. To feel the tightness within my chest and the warmth creep up to my face before I feel like I can't take it any longer. That is my moment of peace. When everything doesn't throb with such intensity.

Needless to say after all of this I couldn't sleep. I took three lunesta, my prescribed dose is one pill as needed. I rubbed lavender on my feet and hoped I would fall asleep. No such luck. Of course not. Even with extra medication my thoughts tormented my brain. Finally when I did find sleep it was terrifying. I had nightmare after nightmare. In my dreams we were back in Yosemite. We had just spread your ashes in May lake and Harvey was playing in the dirt. He was running around and having a blast. He was smelling the rocks and looking around. When we got back to camp we noticed he was acting funny. Then he collapsed to the ground. He looked at us with hurting eyes. We were so worried. Out in the woods away from cell coverage and veterinarian. We thought perhaps he had been poisoned. Maybe bitten by a dangerous spider or snake. We couldn't bare watching him suffer before our eyes so Daddy took a large rock and slammed it into his head. I remember blood everywhere. I remember crying and feeling so sad. The next dream placed me in a classroom with mean kids. I didn't know anyone. I recall sitting in class completely depressed at your loss and Harvey's death. I was empty. Next I am at work, giving the doctors report on a little girl. I couldn't recall the name of her medication which was not normal for me. I always remember everything about my patients and am a wonderful advocate. I walked to her room and she was small. Small like you both were, but she talked to me. Her hands were so tiny. Her fingers were as small as yours. She had a bandaid on her finger and I remember thinking about how small it was and how tiny the bandaid was. It shocked me that she was so small, yet intelligent and talking. I walked out of her room and felt like I was dreaming. I tried calling Daddy to see if Harvey was really dead. If you were really dead. I felt like it was a dream. I called and called but he didn't answer. I walked into the bathroom to go pee and then I woke up with a full bladder. I went pee and sat there on the toilet in complete distress. What a freaky dream. I washed my hands and ran downstairs to check on Harvey. I was relieved to see him on the couch sleeping. I sat beside him and pet him for a long time. Then we went to a nice walk. I didn't rush one second of his walk. I allowed him to sniff everything. I tried to absorb the sun and tried to let him enjoy his walk. He counts on me to walk him, and he deserved the walk. 

Later I told Daddy about the dream and how it was really disturbing to me. We talked about it and also about how we both had a lot of mixed emotions about your passing. We decided that the dream had a lot of similarities to your situation. We didn't want to watch you suffer. Sure we could have kept you on life support having machines keep you alive. Yes we could have allowed your brains to bleed, your organs to shut down, your bodies to go septic. We could have allowed you to be in pain, but as your parents we wanted to save you from all of that. As your parents we thought we were making the best decision for you. It was a hard choice for us, one we hated making so much. We so badly wanted to be selfish and keep you here with us. We would have taken as much time as we could have gotten with you. We would have cared for you forever. We would have been able to manage with one of us staying home full time to care for you. We would have provided the best medical care and therapy possible for you both, but in the end we asked ourselves how you would feel being kept here for us. How selfish would we have been knowing you would be suffering for our benefit of having children. How could we watch you struggle every second just to have you. We couldn't. That was the decision we made and we are stuck with those consequences for the rest of our lives. As long as our brains run, so will the memories of what we did and what we chose. 

We are getting help. I didn't write this blog because I want or need people to tell me what I should be doing or need to do. I know you are all worried about me and I am sorry for making you worry. It was not my intention to cause you pain at all. I am trying hard. I am not giving up on myself or life. I am just being honest with myself and with all of you. This is huge for me. Never before in life would I ever admit to such feelings, such desperation, such thoughts, but here I am being honest. If not to help myself then to one day perhaps help someone in a similar situation know that these feelings are real and they happen. They can happen to anyone at anytime. Life is never gaurenteed. What we have today may vanish tomorrow. Hold dear to those around you and love with your whole heart, because we have no power or control over the destiny of this world. Once we lose someone they are gone and we are forever stuck with the words and actions we took. What if we lived in a world where we all lived our day like it was the last. Where each interaction we made with someone was a meaningful one. Where we tried to allow love for one another overpower the anger and frustrations we have. What would happen if we appreciated what we have before our eyes. Just think....

I love you 

Stuffiing

Today was a really hard day. My emotions are all over the place. Wacky like loony bin wacky. At one point this week I honestly thought maybe I needed to be locked into a special hospital. After analyzing that decision I thought it better to stay home. haha at loony bins they would over medicate me and I would be ?"fine" but my emotions would just be masked by mass quantities of drugs. No need to pollute my body any more than I already have. 

Today I met Kelly for lunch. It was beyond lovely. Getting to lunch was a disaster. I have been to the restaurant a million times, but for some reason I could not manage to get there. I got lost three times. I pulled off the freeway crying and said "really what is wrong with me?" I felt drunk, aloof and not in my own body. It was dangerous to even be behind the wheel. Of course while I'm sobbing on the side of the road the song from your video I made came on. "Beautiful" by Mercy Me. I cried even more thinking of just how beautiful you both are. Finally I managed to find the restaurant in one piece and parked. Kelly was already there. We sat outside and it was a crisp and windy day. We were pretty chilly. We ordered hot tea and I pulled all of my stuffing onto the table. I pulled even the dirty ugly stuffing out. Stuffing that even I was embarrassed by and ashamed of. UGLY! Kelly just sat there with her beautiful blueish grey eyes looking lovingly back at me. Her love for me pouring onto that stuffing and sorting it all out. Never did she judge me for the color or consistency of the stuffing, she just looked at it, accepted it and helped me stick it back inside. She encouraged me, offered me stories, support, and ears that were never tired of listening and hugs that wrapped me tighter than my grief. She cares about me and about our future. She knows I will be a mom again one day and she is about as excited as we are. It was a real treat. I got to enjoy three whole hours with her. It was so nice of Maja and Ivo to let me borrow her for so long. She is beyond amazing, so down to earth, fun and amazing!! I can't say enough great things about her, her parenting, her friendship, her everything. 

After lunch I came home and walked Harvey, not a long walk at all. It was chilly out and I felt too down to go far. He enjoyed the crisp air and his freedom though. We checked the mail and then retreated into the warm house. I had leftovers for dinner and then some wasabi peas for dessert haha they were yummy. I cried on the couch for a bit, and then I was OK for a little while, I filed my nails and clipped my cuticles. Then something triggered me and made me really sad again and the water works started all over again. Harvey sensed it and climbed onto the couch with me. I snuggled my face into his soft fur coat. He was so warm and it was really nice having him with me. He just knew I needed him. Daddy must have sensed something too because he called me then. In my tears I sobbed what happened that made me so sad. I told him that I just cannot believe this was our reality and that I am just so lost and hurt. We spoke for a bit and he told me he missed us. This week has just been terrible emotionally speaking. I have been so ugly, mean and hurtful to Daddy. I have said things that make me sad afterwards, thought things that are mean and have not been completely respectful of his feelings. I am hurting and because I feel like I can trust him completely he is stuck seeing all of my sides, even my mean bully side. I don't even know the Andrea that is here this week. The Andrea I know rarely says mean and hurtful things, she rarely if ever cries and she tries to be polite almost always. That girl is M.I.A. I hated being mean to Daddy. Our communication has been lacking and we are butting heads. We often times forget that we are on the same team. We are here to cheer one another on, not compete against each other. We need to stay strong to win in the end. I must admit though, that Heaven has never seemed so sweet as it does now knowing you are there. Losing you was hard, but living life without you here is even harder. Life is standing still for me yet all around me its revolving. Friends and family growing, maturing, seasons changing, life starting and ending. I am frozen, paralyzed in my sorrows, my grief. All day long I slap a happy face on and act brave for the world. I don't want to inconvenience anyone with my grief, my depression, my emotional wreck of a human. 

Tonight in my heap of tears I reached out to a good friend, Erika. I felt bad because it was late and almost everyone I know was asleep or out enjoying their Friday night. I didn't want to be a sore thumb and drag the mood down for anyone. Erika called me quickly and listened as I poured my heart and eyes out on the other line. She validated my feelings and told me that what I am feeling is completely normal, and that it is not in any way normal to lose a baby let alone two. She told me that she has no idea what I am going through, and that she is here to stand beside me in the rain or sunshine. She will go down into a dark hole with me and pull me out. She will support me through it all. It was really good to hear and to know. So many friends and family members have told me to call if I need anything, and normally I don't. Tonight when I needed to talk to someone I was worried about the time, waking someone up, being a sad mess on the phone, or even worse encountering someone who just didn't understand my grief. 

After talking to Erika I realized I had many texts, most from Daddy, but one from Jessica. Jessica invited me over to watch a movie. It was nice to be away from home and with her. She told me to text anytime if I needed anything. We ate malts and watched a movie. I just got home and am with Harvey now. He is such a cuddle bug. I am eager to snuggle with him. Daddy should be home in about 8 hours! So excited to see him and snuggle with him before he goes for his physical. He has a busy weekend so will be really tired. He is such a trooper and is working so hard. He is a great Daddy and cares about us so much!

I want to be a mom so badly. My whole body aches and shakes at the sadness I have from losing you. I want to have you back, and if I can't have you I want to have siblings for you now, yesterday, last week. If I were a normal person I could try immediately but I am not. I am stuck in the realm of infertile girl. I rely on people and science to tell me when I can try to get pregnant again. When the time is right for them or they think the time is right for me. I have three doctors telling me I can try when I am ready, my body is ready, my heart is ready. I will always ache for you, today and always until the end of time. I will always think about you, about who you were and how special you are to me. That will never change, nor will my desire to be a mom. To hold, feed and nurture a baby. To share my life with my family. Life is completely unfair sometimes. This is one of those many times. 

This is the raw deal. Its me, this is as naked as most will ever see me. Its real and its full of pain. These are the tears I shed for you. The pain may not always be written on my face, but it will always be on my heart. I love you today and everyday. 

Lucky

You both already know that Daddy got a job offer with his dream department, doing a job he has worked so hard at getting for so long. Daddy got the call that he had passed his oral interviews and was set to go through backgrounds the day after you were born. It was September 13th. He was so excited, we were excited and hopeful. We had a long scary road ahead with you both being in the NICU, but we were a family and we knew that together we could get through it. We relished at the thoughts of Daddy getting hired, me being able to work part time, per Diem or not at all. We thought of how we would work our schedules out so that one of us was always home with you two. We didn't want to utilize daycare at all if we could wing it. We loved the idea of being able to raise you together. Not all mommy and daddy's are able to stay home with their kids so we felt very fortunate to have the opportunity to do so. We were over the moon. Everything we had worked so hard for, so long for, so honestly devoted to was surrounding us. Our family grew from two to four, overnight with the possibility of a new job. We were stoked. We forgot about the job and enjoyed each minute with you. My heart beat with such joy at being your mommy. It's the job I dreamed of having. I  invisioned myself going for walks with you both. I saw me carrying you on me everywhere, Harvey along side us. Going to the farmers market, the beach with Harvey, everywhere. I was the proudest parent ever. In the blink of an eye we lost it all. We lost you both and suddenly the world we were so overjoyed to be a part of crashed around us. My dreams vanished and I am surrounded by a pool of tears and lost hopes and dreams. My heart and body physically ache, my mind is numb and my eyes dry from gazing into nothingness. I suppose to some we are lucky. We are lucky we even got pregnant. I'm lucky I have loving nurturing parents and family members. I am lucky I could afford to go to college. I am lucky I had the desire and drive to become a nurse, and to pass my boards. I am lucky I met your daddy and fell in love with him. I am lucky I found a job and that we have a place to live with beautiful landlords, and food on our table every night. I am lucky I have Harvey who is more than a dog. He has been my drive to get outside of the house and enjoy the sun, rain, beach again if even for a few minutes. His joy for life, food and people remind me of the good surrounding us. His excitement to see daddy come home, or see our families reminds me of how I shoul act. If only we all treated and loved one another as Harvey loves us. What a world and life we would lead if we only saw the greatness and excited times! Harvey loves us and teaches us so much. He is actually laying on my side of the bed tonight, and as I'm writing his sweet head is draped across my legs. He is so sweet and always brings a smile to my mouth. I love him. Today was a hard day for Daddy. He woke up very early to get his paperwork done in Newport. After that we ate lunch and talked. I left and went to see your cousin Mila and auntie Megan. I have such a nice time there always. I love being there especially because Megan saw me in the hospital, she was there through it all. She prayed with me, ate with me, watched tv and hoped with me. When Mila was born she invited Daddy and I to visit her in the NICU and also at home! It's been such a gift getting to know those two sweet girls. I love that auntie Megan alway talks about you, she is always so real. She remembers you with me and that's been the best gift of all. All mommas want their babies to be remembered especially when they leave this earth. I love that Megan remembers you, misses you and helps me hope for a future with your siblings. I know you would have loved playing and growing up with Mila;) oh how I miss you! Well while I was gone daddy was very sad. He has a hard time when I leave. It's funny to me though, I left because he needed to study and I thought if I left he could focus more. It was quite the opposite. Daddy text a lot and asked me to come back home. He said he was sad and really missed me. Having been home alone often I knew exactly what he was going through, so once we were done with dinner and girl time I came home. We got yummy shakes that Megan treated us to. They were delish! Harvey was so excited to see me. We ran upstairs all three brushed our teeth, well daddy brushed Harvey's. Harvey hasn't learned how to hold his toothbrush yet;) haha then we hopped into bed. Daddy studied and I kissed Harvey. Then I looked on pinterest and finished this blog. Today I was told by someone I consider a great friend that we were so lucky. She didn't mean to be hurtful in anyway by saying it but it stung like a hard slap to the face. I am lucky compared to so many other people in the world. And we are lucky daddy got a job. But in all honesty it hurt. I feel completely unlucky. Also daddy and I would give anything in this world, jobs, house, cars, money, food, clothes even our lives for you to be back here with us. Nothing matters like it used to. We do not feel lucky in the least. This job came now maybe to give daddy something to focus on after losing you. I'll never know. Now if we had you alive, healthy and growing plus this job then I would say without a doubt we are lucky! Considering we need a surrogate to possibly carry a healthy term sibling for us and I have a very low chance make me hopeful but not lucky. Maybe one day I will be lucky, I'm sure we are all lucky. So many lucky minutes, like running a red light and not getting a ticket, or better running that light and not hitting another car. Phew. Well my sweet angels daddy and I both cried for you today. Tears ran down my face, I didn't have an ugly mouth, I didn't fight them, there were no heavy sobs, just hot tears streaking my face as I thought of you, as I thought of how lame I feel not working, how I know I'm depressed, but also know I'm strong enough to suck my feelings up and work. I know if I forced myself I could, but I also know I'm broken and about to shatter and need to help glue me back together. I need time and space. I'm taking my time. I just hope I get more motivated and do more at home. I need to be better. To love more. I love you every second of everyday! I wish constantly to wake from this dream but am slowly realizing I never will. So then I long for hours of sleep. I take my sleeping pills praying to have relief for hours only to get a few!! Even with the pills. It's crazy!!

I love you every second of every minute

Struggling

Today I am struggling. I want to be back in the hospital with you so badly. Tomorrow marks 9 weeks after you were born, and then Sunday will be 9 weeks since you left us. This week we would be going into our 34th week. Friday we would have been 34 weeks pregnant. I can't help but imagine how big my belly would have been, how much more I would feel you move, how excited we would be to have made it so far! We thought you might be born in November. I love November, its my favorite month for many reasons. Its still warm out, but also starts to get chilly. The air has a crispness in it that excites me to wear a scarf, jacket and sometimes gloves. The smells are different also, so fresh. The trees change color and the leaves scatter and crunch under my footsteps. I love November. Thanksgiving is also in November, and its my favorite holiday! I love the warm homes, the amazingly delicious food, family gathered around and the pressure of buying and receiving gifts is gone. I thought maybe you would come around then because its my favorite holiday, and I have so much to be thankful for. Some days its hard for me to see what I am thankful for. My world seems so lonely and so dark. My mind swells and spins with thoughts, images, hopes and reruns. Still at bed time I picture myself in the hospital with you. I am not sure if I will ever stop doing that. I would give anything in the world to go back to that time. 

Daddy and I have been hopeful to find a surrogate and then move forward in the process of bringing a sibling home for you. I also know that we can and will never replace you, but in my heart I believe a sibling will help heal some of the hole that exists. A baby will bring me joy, its what we have always wanted. We will have a reason to get up, to move forward, and to live, someone to take care of besides ourselves. I know it will in no way wash all of our grief and pain away, but I am hopeful that it will help us smile and hope again. 

Money, I hate money! I hate that most decisions in life are based on money for us. Not everyone has to think before the spend, but we do. We are pressured daily with how much we have, how much we need and how we will get it. I was so hopeful that Daddy would get hired so I could take more time away from work. I am having the hardest time picturing myself back in my office, helping women become pregnant, watching them get pregnant, and then seeing their happy babies. It KILLS me. It literally causes me to panic. My breathing gets shallow and rapid, my heart starts pounding and I feel like Im going to pass out. Freaks me out! I am hoping to stay out of work as long as possible, but feel pressured to go back so we can pay for things and "afford" life. I hate that! I hate that employees are only allotted 3 days off work for the death of a child, family member, spouse. So very sad. I hate that society feels they can issue a timeline for grieving. After three months it is assumed that you are done grieving, you need to pick up and move on. After the initial shock of losing your loved one you grieve, your family and friends grieve with you and then it fades. That shock is gone and lives continue. Many people don't want their lives to be interrupted by our grief, our sadness and our honest feelings. People may decide not to hang out with us, not to acknowledge our feelings and to let our friendships fade. Other friends will expect us to act as though nothing ever happened, like we were never pregnant, never had you, and never lost you. Its hard pretending with them. It makes me question my time and the importance of sharing time with certain people. I love when I feel free to talk about how I really feel. To share my future hopes, and to share the ugly that I have inside without being judged or frowned upon. I love when people listen and don't jump to give me advice. Our situation if 100% different than any similar situation and we will handle it how we think is best for us. Granted sometimes we will come to you and ask for support and guidance in our decisions and then we are welcome to your thoughts. 

Surrogacy is so expensive! I could cry enough tears to fill Harvey's water bowl and then some. The medications are thousands of dollars, the delivery, doctors visits, the transfer process, lawyers...etc its a lot. We found a wonderful surrogate who is a beautiful woman. She is very loving and nurturing with her family and is a joy to watch parent. She was cleared by her ob to surrogate for us when we are ready. I was ready two months ago. Daddy was so excited and ready too. Yesterday though he reverted to his old money is so important it makes the world go round self. I hate when he does that. I hate that money causes most of our irritations with each other. He thinks we need money and wants money, yet he doesn't want to push me to return to work, but I am the only one with a job so how does that work. When he does that I get mad inside, my blood boils and I want to yell fine I will go back and cry everyday and hate my life and job for your precious money!!! I get so mad, sad and annoyed. Why can't he get a job and work. Why cant he support me. Ugh it just irritates me and I hate to be irritated with him. I know he is trying to get a job, but I want him to try harder. I am even more willing to move out of california if it means him getting hired. He just needs job experience. Also if we cant afford to get a surrogate then we will never bring kids home and he wont be a stay at home dad to Harvey again. Been there done that. If we had children he was raising I wouldn't mind working full time. Blah I hate money. I asked Daddy if we could get a loan to move forward and he told me that we already had x amount of debt, student loans, hospital bills, personal loans etc. not to mention our rent, car, insurance, utilities and phones. We really don't have much as far as monthly bills go, just the necessities that we can't live without. We rarely eat out, and when we do its usually from a gift card we were given. We have loads of movie vouchers and need to get motivated enough to get out. blah!!! 

Anyway we are on our way out. I am going to sit at the book store and Daddy is going to meet with a pastor to talk about how he is doing. He needs guy time and Phil is an amazing man. He is the pastor at Erika's church. He came to pray with us the day after you passed. He has shown us so much support and love during this time. I am happy Daddy will have someone besides me to talk to. 

Love you

Bad morning

Bad mood

Today I woke up when daddy got home. He brought doughnuts home and made scrambled eggs. They were yummy. He had a busy night at work, but decided that he wanted to power through and share the day together. It is beyond beautiful out, 90 degrees here now. We decided to head back to the beach for some water time with Harvey. I tried on all of my suits and was surprised to see that they all still fit. Yay!!! I even wore a summer dress because it's so nice out! Of course I brought a jacket too. I'm always cold ;) we packed our bags, applied sunscreen and grabbed water. Harvey excitedly jumped into the car and was buckled in. As we were preparing to leave I decided to check daddy's mail. He's pretty bad at checking it. Well luckily for him I did because I saw an email about garden grove fire department being open for applications. They only took the first 500 applicants. Daddy sprinted upstairs and said they were still open. we all came back inside and waited while daddy applied. I watched some of a documentary I've been watching. It's called the greater good. I like it so far.  Daddy came down and we loaded back into the car. As I came out daddy was on the phone with a friend who had just gotten hired. I didn't know where. Daddy was telling him how excited he was for him etc. then he said it would have been so cool to have worked with you. That's when my head spun. Hired with you?! What did that mean? Where did this  guy get hired? did Lodi call daddy and daddy not share the news with me? How was he not angry, he was happy! I was beside myself. After he hung up daddy told me he's almost positive he didn't  get hired bc his friend was called Friday and told that they were done hiring the 8 Guys they picked. Daddy helped his friend prepare for the interviews, he told him all the questions they asked him so his friend would have time to prepare. Really nice of daddy, but that was his competition and he fed him the answers. Ugh I was so irritated! Daddy is such a good person that he would help carry a struggling runner to the finish line of a race only to have that runner hop off his back and win the race, and instead of being mad he's happy for the guy! I'm not sure I could do that. Sure I helped a fellow friend with interview questions and mock interviews, but I had already been hired so she wasn't my competition. Ugh so now were driving to the beach and I'm grumpy as all get up. Daddy says its fine, but really it's not! That stupid interview packet came one day after you were born. He fought and worked so freaking hard to finish it. He didn't sleep, put grieving your loss aside and compiled 50 pages of information. We argued and were short with each other. He wanted to quit, but me in my naive time of faith told him god put this in his life now for a reason. Well I should have swallowed those words right then and lit the damn packet on fire. What a complete waste of time, a huge stressor for both of us. I can't believe we even hoped we could have some sort of sunshine in this black storm. I am livid. I know you can't change life or anything that happens. I just hate it. How can things just keep getting worse?! Really!!! How is this our life? How is this even possible?! It was already raining, then pouring, then super storm, now what?! End of the world? End of life? Maybe that would be less painful than enduring all of this! Today is a bad day! Hopefully my mood will lift soon because I'm sitting in the car riding to the beach with my eyes brimmed full of tears wobbling with each bump. I'm giving daddy the silent treatment which I don't mean to I just can't talk to him with out crying and shouting about my disappointment, so I'm just keeping my mouth shut! Ugh

Normal

I'm sure I was never really normal, although who knows what normal is. We pretty much create what we envision as normal and if you fall out of the parameter you are abnormal. I know I will never be the same, my normal is gone and I am stuck trying to find the new me. Trying to adapt to a new way of living, thinking and acting. I have learned recently that some of the friends I have had will fall away, I will gain others and I will realize who my real friends are. Support and love surround me in so many forms and I am able to see the beauty in other people. 

Today was a "good" day. My emotions are like a roller coaster, or maybe better put they are like the waves, always changing. Some moments of calmness and others are rough. Much like our time in the NICU I was told that the grieving process is two steps forward and five steps back. Days or even weeks of "good" days and then days or weeks of absolute depression and devastation. I am hoping that with Daddy's love and support coupled with the amazing family and friends we have around us we will learn to make the "good" days great and the bad days a little more bearable. 

Today I met Jen at dog beach. We took Harvey, Banksey, and Brooklyn to play. They splashed around, chased balls, stole other pups toys and got really sandy. We took a nice walk on the beach and got wet in the warm water. The day was beautiful. The air was so warm. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. Just beautiful blue shades surrounding us. The breeze was light and refreshing. Jen has always been someone I have felt very comfortable with. I feel like I can tell her things that only I would hear in my head. I never feel ashamed for how I feel, or feel like I need to sugar coat things for her. She is an incredible listener and has amazing insight for being so young. I am so proud of the woman she is and the woman she aspires to be. She would have made such a wonderful loving aunt to you. She has and continues to be such a huge source of support in my life. She recognizes that although she may not always have the right words she is always there to love and support me in my journey. She never pushes me to grieve faster or be in a different mood. She is understanding and respectful. I love that about her. 

After the beach I was beyond exhausted. I was actually exhausted prior to the beach. I felt as though I could have slept all day and been happy doing just that. Harvey was in bed with me and I loved that. He is such a good spooner. Sometimes he breathes heavy which wakes me up but normally I can pat him and tell him he's OK and he will settle in and sleep better. Any how I woke up to meet Jen and also take Harvey because I knew he would have a blast there with his friends, and knew it was supposed to be a beautiful day. We came home and I fed Harvey and refreshed his water bowls. After that I took a shower and got ready for my first support group meeting. I was anxious, but also excited to go. I was hopeful to meet friendly people and get some help through this process. Paola offered to go with me since Daddy was at work, and luckily the woman in charge of the group agreed. 

Paola and I arrived on time, the location was huge, but we found the class room very easily. The woman and her husband were very friendly. There was supposed to be a larger group but it ended up just being us. I didn't mind one bit. It allowed us to really connect and share more information. Their story was so sad, raw, and heartbreaking. We shared so many of the exact same feelings, thoughts, and angers. Her husband actually said he felt like I must have been standing in the room with them 6 years ago when this all happened because our angers and devastation's were so similar. It made me feel relieved to know I wasn't the only person who became angry at "God" and questioned him. It was reassuring to hear that she too questioned her care, her body and her purpose. It took them a long time to grieve and they said they are still grieving. They have since gone on to have children which has helped immensely. She said she wasn't able to recover to a new normal until she brought her baby home. Once she had a reason to live and knew she was a mom here she was able to take a big step forward. I too feel like this will be something that will help heal some of the gaping hole that is my heart currently. The fear of failure and heartache is so large that even trying again terrifies me. I cannot imagine losing another child, to put so much time, hope and effort into a baby that might not come home with us. It is just so hard. We talked about therapists, doctors, friends, support, books that helped, medications and break downs. She too suffered from panic attacks, she also found nights to be the hardest, she had a really hard time when her hubby left for work. All the feelings I have been struggling with. She said when her hubby left she would have a melt down because she feared he would die. Daddy and I struggle with that exact thing. We hate being out of each others sight. His returning to work has been really hard on us. Daddy used to have a hard time away for 24 hours prior to your death, but now its been really hard. He sees how long 24 hours really is. It is really really long. I have been doing better with him back to work. I have been trying to stay busy and do a few things daily when I feel up to it, and when I don't I allow myself to sit and just be. I was able to borrow a few books that I hadn't purchased yet. They are on grieving, and living after loss. I am hopeful that Daddy will be able to make the classes. I know he would have found their story to have been valuable. We all cried tonight when they shared the story. Every pair of eyes glistened and we all felt the pain in our souls from their loss of their sweet baby. A baby they had anticipated with such love and excitement. Their story was so different from ours, and so devastating in its entirety. The ability to pick oneself up and live after experiencing such loss and such tragedy is astounding. I am so proud of every parent who has survived the loss of their child or children. It is truly that, surviving. I know we will survive, but to what extent I am unsure. I am hopeful that I can still be a positive factor and change in others lives, I hope that through my existence I can love and show hope to others. I am hopeful that I will learn to hope and dream again. Right now I haven't been able to. Every happy thought that enters my mind I shove away in fear of wanting it and then losing it, or being robbed of it. I am hoping to focus on what I want, learn to hope for it, and dream to receive it. 

Well my sweet angels I am really sleepy. I am hopeful that Daddy gets some good rest tonight. He is off tomorrow and we are hoping to take Harvey back to the beach. We are excited to share some time together. So many things to share with him, and I am so eager to be back outside at the warm beach. Its like the summer is living longer since I missed it in the hospital. I don't mind one bit. So many people complain about the seasons and how it should be cold right now, but we should be happy we are alive and outside in the beautiful air and world. It can all disappear in a minute, so why not embrace every second in it! 

I love you both so much and I miss you every day.

Mommy

Good day

We have had a few good days! After a nice Thursday with Megan and Mila, Daddy and I had dinner with his friends that were in town for a wedding. It was nice. We came home pretty early because Daddy had to work the next day. We all woke up at 4:30 which stunk, but I couldn't sleep and Daddy had to work. Harvey and I just snuggled together in bed while the band across the street played loudly. I eventually got up and printed some documents for my chemotherapy recertification course. It's due at the end of the month. Even though I'm not currently working I hate to let it lapse. Also I really enjoyed reading new medications and advances. It makes me excited about something, which has been so rare. After that papa Steve called and sent a few pictures of me when I was younger. Daddy thinks you Grace looked a lot like me. I like that!! Wyatt you looked like your handsome Daddy. So neat;) I liked that my dad sent those pictures it reminded me of a time where I had less sadness. Although my childhood was insane and pretty unstable and emotionally distraught it got better. Those pictures represented the beginning of my life as me, where I was accepted and lived freely. Where I was a kid and did things kids can. I was such a big daddys girl! I would paint the garage, fish, mow the lawn, anything to be with my dad! Too cute. Well I met my dad for lunch. We had sushi. It was good!! It was also really special getting to share solo time with him. We talked about jobs, growing up, you both, daddy and our goals towards bringing siblings home for you. Papa Steve is worried of course. It's cute he still tries to shelter and protect me. I like that, it made the weight on my shoulders seem somewhat lighter knowing I had his support and knowing he cared. After lunch we got groceries and then headed home. I got to see your uncles and Grandma Jeanne. Your uncles are growing so quickly! I love watching them change into boys and now Matt is even into the young man stage!! Yikes it flies by. I got to walk with Ian and share time learning about his school and running. He's doing a marathon like me;) he reminds me a lot of myself when I was younger. So cute. He said he was sad that he's not going to be an uncle yet. But he also said he will someday! It made me smile. He's a sweet boy. Grandma Jeanne and I also got to talk for a long time. I've missed it. It made me want to crawl into a room and nap i felt safe, warm and at home. After family time I went to redondo beach to spend the night with Franny. We ate at a delicious veggie house for dinner. I enjoyed it so much. I love veggies and vegetarian food, I just wish I knew more recipes because it's dull eating the same meal over again. Especially with no desire to cook, clean or eat! Haha it was yummy. We walked back to her place and sat outside taking the night in, listening to waves crash, and enjoying our conpany. We had harvey and forrest with us. It was chilly but is supposed to warm up tomorrow. Weird weather. I slept well which surprised me since I was so anxious and worriesd about the night there. Harvey slept in bed with us and forrest slept in his bed by frannys pillow. We woke up early because I had a class in Fullerton to make. I took a class on vaccines and illness. I absolutely loved it!! A lot was a refresher, but there was a good amount I didn't know. I love learnig the history behind medications, illness', and also hearing personal stories about people who have lived through them all. The speaker is a well respected physician. She treats mothers and children. She is in la so far from me, but she was so knowledgeable I would make the drive to her. After the class I asked a few questions about homeopathic treatments for pre mature labor and irritable uterus. We talked very quickly about you, she put her hand on her heart and was reassured when I told her I was planning to make and appountment with her. She was happy. She said before we can fix our uterus we need to work on our heart. I think we might have some good ideas to help my anxiety, depression, worries and to help me sleep!!! I'll keep you updated;)

Auntie Jessica and Megan came to the class also! I'm excited we got to learn together. It made me want to go back to school. I love learning and broadening my knowledge base. I'd love to finish schooling and get my pediatric nurse practitioner license and also a double major in palliative care. Possibly specialize in homeopathy too! How cool would that be? If Daddy gets hired I will!!! Auntie Megan and Mila made us amazing cupcakes! They were pumpkin spice with walnuts for protein and chocolate for antioxidants! I had 3!! They were still warm;) so good. I think you must have been watching her make them because they were beyond heavenly! 

Tonight I made dinner, I made a veggie salad with squash, peppers, onions, tomatoes, celery, mushrooms, mixed greens and miso ginger dressing with couscous. It was so good! Daddy and I talked about what we can do to be more loving and helpful towards each other. I thanked him for his help with the house lately and also for being so wonderful to Harvey. I also told him that it would help me to have him join me for our therapist sessions and he agreed. He said he wanted to make sure  we continue to communicate well. I'm a pretty good communicator but sometimes it's hard for Daddy to express his thoughts. We are hopeful it will help. One thing we talked about that was especially hard for us this week was when people made weird remarks to us. Someone told Daddy that they had been thinking of us and that it was ok that you passed because we are young and can try again. Daddy was so annoyed and I was too. Not many people know how incredibly hard it was to even get pregnant or carry to 26 weeks! Some people are so naive to believe its so easy to get pregnant, and that you can replace your loss. Lame. Another person told me that it was in Gods will. He kept saying I truly believe its in Gods will. It caused me to hate that God all over again. It's not in Gods will to take babies away, or cause the evilness in this world. I can't believe that, if it's true I hate that and what a yucky world to live in. I need to believe in some goodness for my sanity. 

Tomorrow I am meeting with Jen and her pups at the beach. Harvey is going to be so excited. It's supposed to be a beautiful day!! So happy to walk at the beach and watch Harvey play with his friends. It will be nice to be with Jen too. She always is so positive and lifts my spirits. She was so excited about you both. She is a great auntie. 

After the beach we have our support group!! Our first meeting. I'm eager but anxious also. I'm hoping it helps. Daddy works the next three Sundays so I might end up going solo. Paola offered to go with me or just drive me there and bring me home. Auntie Emily did too. So thoughtful of them. I asked the lady running it, because I want to make sure im respectful to other mommies and daddies there, but I haven't heard back yet. We will see. I will also update you on that.

Daddy works thanksgiving which makes me sad. It's my favorite holiday and I get teary eyed thinking about it without you. Gosh that's hard. Another hard pill to swallow today was getting another bill in the mail from the hospital. It's not the fact that we owe thousands of dollars. I could care less about money or how much we owe. I only care about you. It breaks my heart seeing a bill and knowing you won't be coming home. Ouch. I hate that:( 

Well loves we are going to bed. Daddy works tomorrow and we have a long day. Tomorrow is day light savings time so we gain a whole hour!! Woohoo!

We have a lot to look forward to this week. Daddy has four days off starting Monday. We have dinner plans with your auntie Jess, uncle Kenny and your cousins Sydney and Logan. Daddy is
Meeting with Phil to talk about how hes coping. We have plans with Mila and Megan to go for a walk!! We have plans to watch twilight this week before the new movie comes out!! So excited. I am hoping we can connect with Kelly, I've really missed her. She's such a great listener, friend and mom. She gives me a lot of hope. We are both so busy and when your a mommy life is unpredictable. Also some days I just plain feel crummy and stay in. If I ever flake it's because it's a bad day and I need to be home. Forgive me. Well I love you my sweet bugs. Be with Daddy and keep him safe;)

November all ready!

I can't believe its November all ready! Today we would have been 33 weeks. I would have loved to make it this far, Daddy and I always said if we made it to November we would be happy with you arriving anytime. Daddy of course always wanted you to arrive on his birthday which is December 7th. That is not only a special day because its Daddy's birthday but also because its pop pop's birthday too. Daddy thought it would be really cool if you four shared the same birthday. Any way there was a different plan in mind. 

This week has been a bit of a jumble. I have been sleeping terribly to say the very least. I got 2 1/2 hours two nights ago, 4 hours last night and hopefully more tonight. I haven't been napping either, so I am like a walking zombie. I was already a bit of a zombie before so now its worse!!! 

Yesterday was a nice day. I visited Mila and Megan. Mila is getting so big. She is so beautiful!! She has so much hair just like you did Grace. She is long and is eating so well. She had a big explosive poop which made Megan and me laugh. It was nice sharing time together, getting to hold and kiss Mila and getting to remember you and talk about you and parenting ideas. Megan has been such a wonderful friend to me and I am very blessed to have met her and grown so close to her. After leaving Megan's house Daddy and I went to Newport Beach for dinner with some friends. Adam and Stacey, Blake, Trevor, Kasey and Lauren, Ross and Jenny, Steve, and the parents were there. It was fun and so cute. We ate at benihanas. The food is so good there!! I ate all of it. Normally I bring left overs home, but yesterday I cleaned my plate. After dinner most of the group went out to a local bar but Daddy and I headed home to rest before his shift today. He is back at work for 24 hours again today and then Sunday also. I miss him a lot when he is at work, and he really misses us. It is a big struggle for him to leave in the morning. Today was especially hard for him. He wanted to stay home so badly. He said he feels like he rushed himself into going back and he feels it was too soon. He wants to be home with me still and wants to grieve your loss more. He has been so focused on the hiring process, then school and studying that he hasn't had time to really let life sink in. Anyway he kissed me goodbye and asked me if I wanted him to stay home with me. I jokingly said yes, don't go...Daddy looked at me with sweet eyes and said really I will stay home if you want. I wanted him to don't get me wrong, but I also know he needs to finish his preceptorship and keep moving forward, so I told him no that he needed to go. He reluctantly went. So cute. Harvey and I sat in bed for a bit longer then I crawled out, got fresh water and decided to write to you. After this I am going to study a bit for my chemotherapy recertification and then shower before heading to san pedro. I'm going to see papa Steve, Maureen, Kelly and Maja and then Franny and Forest. Harvey and I are going to sleep over there tonight. Im a little anxious about sleeping over since I have been a terrible sleeper. Tomorrow I am taking a class on vaccinations and illness' that sounds super interesting. I am excited about it! Its normally held in Hollywood but the class tomorrow is being held in Fullerton really close to our house. After the class I will come home and snuggle with Daddy and enjoy some time with him before he leaves again for work Sunday. Sunday the plan is to go to dog beach. Jen is coming out with Brooklyn and maybe Banksie too. It will be fun, I heard its going to be beautiful! Sunday evening is our first support group meeting. I am eager about it, but also sad that Daddy will be missing it due to work:( I will of course tell him all about it. I am hoping to find some peace there and also meet some nice people. 

One thing that I have found terribly hard lately is what some people say. I understand its incredibly weird. There are not the right words ever, but people say some funky stuff. I was told that it was Gods will for the babies to die. I wanted to be polite so I shut my mouth and didn't say anything. Inside I was irritated and annoyed. Really Gods will? so he is just sitting on his throne zapping babies or taking them? was he too busy to realize sooner that I was pregnant and then he rushed us into delivery so he could take them? so annoying. How about just say I cant imagine what you are going through, I am here if you ever need to talk, or just need a hug. Then hug me and smile. Oy so weird!! lol

Well my sweets I am going to study and then hit the road before the day escapes me. I love you both!!