Raw

Hello my sweet angels. Today was a nice day. Daddy had his first day of hospital clinicals. He really enjoyed it. it was nice for him to work a true 12 hour shift running on his feet, i think he had more respect for what i did and understood why i was so tired always after work. He is so excited its so cute to watch and to listen to him talk about his adventures! 


I had a nice day too, i went to church, then out to lunch with Erika and her family, then took Harvey to visit June, then stopped for groceries. Church was really good, there was a girl speaker and she really hit home. Her message today was about sadness and how we all deal with it. She spoke of the story in John 11 where Lazerus has passed and Jesus  comes to raise him from the dead. Martha reminded me of myself, she was so upset with Jesus, she was sad and in her sadness she went to him and said "if you were here this would not have happened" i felt this very way after our first and then again second miscarriage. i recall feeling like this as a child when my mom was terrible to me, and again as a 15 year old  being controlled by my mom. i yelled at God, i questioned his goodness, his purposes, his reasons. i thought what i knew was right and best for me. i though if you were here this wouldn't be happening to me, if you were real i wouldn't be hurting so badly. what i didn't hear was Jesus telling me that he was here and that he is the "resurrection and the life, and that those who believe in him will live" i chose to live my life in faith, and in hopefulness hoping that tomorrow would be better than today. learning to cope with my sadness and learning how to embrace the goodness and happiness that surrounds me. rather than dwell in my own losses i looked at other peoples. i loved watching friends have babies, talk about their pregnancies, and their lives and i longed hopefully for the day that i would be the person sharing my story. i talk to Jesus a lot, daily, almost every hour. i talk to him while i drive, while i shower, while i am lying in bed, on walks with Harvey, all the time everyday. i think of how thankful i am to be alive. to be breathing air, to be able to walk, to have food that is ready and accessible to me, to have a house to sleep in, to have a wonderful husband, i am thankful for my wonderful friends who love and support me so much, i am thankful for God for never giving up on me although i have threatened to give up on him so many times. to push him away in my sadness as a way of alienating myself. to eliminate the thoughts of hope, joy, happiness, and love that he represents, that would make my pain less abundant. instead of this i chose to embrace my papa and to accept the life and the path that he placed me on. i look to see the good that has come from my sorrow, the new opportunities that were born from anothers end. its amazing and heart wrenching at the same time. 


today at church i completely let myself go, i typically do not cry in front of anyone, its something i just don't do. it makes me feel naked, raw and beyond vulnerable. well today all of those feelings went out the window and i cried like a baby, i wept and wept for our losses, i wept for being mad and pushing papa away, i wept for this pregnancy, for the fear of being pregnant and then having another miscarriage, i wept for the fear of not hearing the hearts beating, i wept at the fear of hearing the hearts and then losing them later, i wept for my friends who have suffered in their lives, for the sadness and pain they have felt, i wept for the sake of weeping and it was refreshing and peaceful. i let it all out and papa provided for me. he wrapped his strong arms around me and had my friend Erika sit with me. she held my hand and prayed for me, she read my heart like no one has ever done. she knew my fears, she knew the story the tears told and walked the path with them. she brought lightness and hope to my heaviness and lifted a weight from me. she offered me love and friendship and loved me more through my tears. i am so thankful for the friendships papa has enriched my life with. for the joyful moments that bring me hope and happiness, for the new church with all of the beautiful families, for the kindness of people. its breathtaking to see people to thoughtful and so loving to each other. i cant help but think papa must be so proud. i am proud also. i am proud to know my papa, to love him, to have faith in him and to trust his will to be better than my own. i am thankful for my sadness because from it i have learned what love really is. 


i am so thankful that papa chose me to be your mommy and chose your daddy to love you. i cant tell you how often i think of you, hope you are healthy and growing well. i have been eating a lot, and trying to drink a lot of water too. i hope you are both doing well. i am so excited to see you this week. i pray with all my heart that you are both safe. i pray that papa will bless us with this life, your lives and that we will  be the best parents possible for you both! i thank you for being our angels. i love you both so very much!

Two

Hello my sweet sweet angels!
Guess what? well you probably already know, you have been holding out on mommy all week. There are two of you growing in my belly! you both look amazing right now. i am praying you both grow well and stay very healthy. i have been drinking so much water for you. its my absolute favorite thing to drink! 


today was the best ever when i got to see you in the ultrasound. at first dr. potter looked at my ovaries and said oh my these are much too large. you need to be on strict no walking restrictions. this is dangerous. i am allowed to go to the bathroom and walk into work but once i am there i need to keep my feet up and rest. it will be a hard task but i will do it for you. also not walking your brother harvey makes me sad, but daddy has been very helpful with him. 


so after looking at my ovaries and telling me how huge they were and i mean huge he said my left one is the size of a football! i will show you one when you get bigger. anyway we went on to see the main event, you. we saw one of you and measured you and dr. potter said it looks great. i said ok so we only have one after all? but you two knew! he said oh i forgot we have two in here lets look more. i was anxious, i have been so afraid lately of losing one or both of you. but by the grace of God we found you!!! it was amazing. we have two sweet sweet sacs with fetal poles. I am hoping to see and hear your hearts beating next week. that is a good sign when we see and hear your hearts. stay healthy and be strong my sweet angels. 


daddy and i are so excited that we are having twins. i hope you have everything you need in there right now. have fun getting to know each other. be sweet, i know you will. i cannot wait to feel you, hear you, and get to know you! so excited. 


i love you my sweet peas!

love mommy

Ugh

Hello my sweet strong angels. Today was a very hard day for mommy. Today I went to work and did a great job. I get to help so many people have their dreams of becoming patents become a reality and I feel satisfaction in doing that. Today we got our blood drawn again and the numbers didn't double. They rose but didn't double. I freaked out. I was a mess, I ran to the bathroom and spent the better half of my afternoon there sobbing. I so long for the normalcy of a normal pregnancy. I long for the day when the fear of losing you before I even have a chance to know you erases my mind. I try to imagine holding you in my arms, smelling your sweet skin, and touching you. I think of your voice and how you will sound, how you will act and what type of person you will become. All of these thoughts bring me hope. It's the bad news that is hard to swallow, digest And accept. I'm hoping and praying that you stay healthy that you hold on strong to mommies belly and that you survive and love a wonderful life with me and daddy. There are so many adventures we can't wait to share with you! Please be safe and know I love you always, even of you have to leave me I will love you. It will break my heart a lot but I will learn to live and I will learn from you my sweet child. Please know I love you do much and do does your daddy.

Mommy

4 weeks

Well today my beautiful baby or babies, Mommy received the best news EVER!!! Today we found out that you are in my belly and you look to be doing great! I am hoping you continue to grow well and stay healthy. I have been eating and drinking a lot so far so I hope thats good for you. Daddy and I are so excited we really couldn't be happier. 


I started taking my lovenox injections today. That is a blood thinner. Dr. Potter wanted me to be on it to help thin my blood. We don't want any blood clots getting in the way of you being healthy. The down side to these shots aside from them being very expensive...1184 for a months supply is that they really hurt! they burn and they leave huge bruises. I am hoping I don't bruise that badly but I will show you if I do. I warned you today that I was going to give the shot and that it might burn. I hope it wasn't bad for you. I will be on them until we are 20 weeks!


Today Harvey and I went to visit June, since she sold her house we will really miss visiting her. Harvey loves her and he has such a blast in her yard. She really enjoys our company too! Today Harvey was so brave! You would have been so proud of him. He is normally very nervous about pools, he loves the beach but there is something about the reflection and ripple of the pool that makes him nervous. Any way today his ball rolled into the pool. Now normally I will sit there with him and show him that its water, I will splash and let him smell my hand. He NEVER gets close his little back legs shake and he waits patiently for me to fetch his ball. Well today after much patience and coaxing and of course praising I couldn't believe it, but he reached in and grabbed the ball with his mouth!! I was so happy I jumped up and clapped for him. I gave him a hug and told him I was so proud of him. He was grinning from ear to ear. It was really nice. 


Last night we went to dinner with my Grandma. She will be your great grandma, and she is just that. A great wonderful Grandma. We told her yesterday we were pregnant and she was so happy. In two weeks we will be able to tell her how many of you are growing in my belly. Only you know right now. You get to have that secret from Mommy for a few weeks :) It was Grandmas birthday. It was a nice dinner and was such a treat to see my brothers and aunt and uncle as well as my parents and cousins. You are going to love your family and they are just going to love you to pieces! I love you so much already!!! I sang to you yesterday in the shower.


Today when Mommy got the lab results I had goosebumps all over my body. I got hot and wanted to jump for joy. I would have if my stomach wasn't so full. Mommy is still very bloated I will show you a picture. I plan on taking a weekly picture for you to see how we are progressing. I am so excited to have you grow in my belly! I cannot wait to see you in two weeks. I am praying you are strong and very healthy my sweet ones. 


Our numbers were great. Our HCG was 427, our progesterone was wonderfully beautiful at 266, and my estrodial was 2,550!!! Those are amazing numbers. I am so proud of you! I will have my numbers rechecked on Wednesday. We want the HCG to double. I will keep you updated. 


I am off to bed my sweet angels. Sleep well in my belly. I love you so much and feel so honored to be able to be your Mommy. Its the best gift I have ever received. life is good, God is great, and people are crazy!!! Ha ha some country song words. 

 Mommies tummy is very distended. It is hard as a rock, its pretty hard to find a comfortable position, but you are more than worth it.

Love you! Mommy

just swell...

hello sweet peas, mommy decided to title this post just swell because thats exactly what my belly is. its huge!!! when i say big i mean i gained 4 pounds in two days and cant get any of my clothes except for yoga pants on. oops...haha on another note mommies private is swollen which freaked me out to no end. i called Dr. Potter and asked him if it was normal to have a swollen you know what. he laughed and said well how big is your belly...um let me show you...well then the fluid is pushing up and down and going into whatever space it can find!!! agh!!! thats ok i took a few deep breaths, rubbed my belly and told you to grow. i hope you are listening. 


daddy is doing so great in school. he is passing all of his tests with flying colors. he is really excited about you also. he will be such a great daddy to you. he already is to harvey. if we have twins daddy is going to stay home with you. i think that will be the best job in the entire world! he is really lucky. we already agreed that you would visit me daily at work :)


i got a hair cut today. i loved it. steven is such a wonderful stylist. he took 10 minutes washing my hair, he rubbed my scalp and head and told me to relax. i love going to see him. he is so hip and so wonderful. im sure he will cut your hair one day while he is doing mine. you will like his salon. it is right in belmont shores so you can people watch. 


anyway my sweets mommie has to work tomorrow then off sat and sunday. im so excited to rest at home. im hurting in the best way possible. sunday daddy and i have a bbq to go to and then we are going to my grandma, your great grandma gwens birthday dinner. i love her. she is the best. im hoping by sunday i will know that i am pregnant so i can give her that knowledge as a present! what do you think? grow well my sweetie pies!!

love mommy

oh my...

Hello my beautiful angel or angels. Mommy has not been feeling well these past two days. I'm sure you know, since you are inside my belly. Mommy has been very bloated like 3-4 times bigger than my normal size, my belly is hard and so tender. when i walk heavy it hurts, when i sneeze it hurts, it feels so heavy and achy. i was told this is a very good sign. that's the only thing that helps me with this discomfort. knowing and hoping that you are growing safely inside my belly. i guess something happens around this time with the corpus leutum that is what will eventually end up supporting you. any way big words, what happens is once you are becoming a baby your cl gets big and releases hormones, those hormones make mommy and many women have swelling, pain, weird lab levels, and diarrhea. Mommy has been going number 2 non stop. it has not been fun my bottom is so sore. it even bled a bit today :( sorry tmi alert, but totally true. i have been drinking a lot of Gatorade, protein and salty foods. that is what is supposed to help. i was told that it will most likely get a lot worse before it gets better and it will hurt because i am small in size to begin with. if it gets bad  enough they will put a needle inside my belly and drain the excess fluid off. i am going to get some iv hydration tonight for the fluids and also the electrolytes. i hope it helps you. i love you my little sweeties and you are so totally worth all of this and much more. 


today mommies friend Erika and her son met me for lunch. i had pho I'm currently addicted to it. i got veggie and tofu and put a lot of spicy sauce in it. i hope you don't mind. it was really good and so nice to spend time with them. i just love Erika and cherish our friendship so much. she is due in 6 weeks!!! I'm so excited for her. 


tonight another friend of mine offered to bring daddy and i dinner. we are really excited. in the past it was hard for mommy to accept peoples offers of help i was too proud, but now i embrace it and welcome it. people want to help and sometimes the only way they can help is to bring you food, or take Harvey for a walk. i have been amazed at how generous and thoughtful people have been. we are truly blessed. so many people love you my sweet peas. keep growing and be healthy please. 


love you!

up and about

Hello my loves, today was the first day I was officially allowed to walk around. it was nice. I went to work and boy was I busy. I'm not sure how that place would function without me and Lourdes. We really need help. We just hired one girl she starts with us the 16th. We couldn't be happier. Everyone was really excited for us about you. they are all so positive and so happy. The girls told me to take it easy and not stress. I went to lunch with Lourdes. She is so excited to meet you. she has been with me since the very beginning. she is so wonderful. i just love her. Daddy is also very excited about you. he has been very helpful walking Harvey and helping with meals to make sure i have plenty of time to sit and relax. 


i guess i need to give you the update. auntie Franny went with mommy to our transfer because daddy couldn't be there and i needed someone to be with me. auntie Franny was so excited to be able to participate. Dr. potter was so excited to put you inside my tummy. i even got to see you go in!!! it was truly amazing. after that i had to come home and be on strict bed rest for the rest of the week and weekend. that's why i haven't had time to write on here. Ive been rubbing my belly a lot and talking to you both. i hope you are both doing well and are healthy and holding on strong. i have been a good mommy taking all of my medications for you and also staying very hydrated.  we put two of you back in my tummy. i cannot wait to see how many of you will stick. i hope you both decide to but if only one of you does we will be happy also. i am going to attach some pictures of you!!! 

 this is mommy excited about getting to have you put in my belly!

 Here I am getting acupuncture before you go in!

 here is a family photograph of you and all of your siblings!!!

 franny and i waiting for dr. potter

 your big brother Harvey decided he needed to be on bed rest with me, he didn't leave my side the entire 4 days

Here Harvey crawled up onto my legs and decided to place his head on my belly, maybe you were talking to him already :)




We love you! Keep growing and be healthy!

This ones for the Girls

This has been such an incredible journey of commitment, love, dedication, strength and bravery. I can't thank all of the brave and courageous women who have endured endless treatments, needle sticks, ultrasounds and hpt results before me. Their stories brought tears to my eyes, hope into my heart, and excitement to my soul. Their journeys both broke my heart and brought it fullness that is unexplainable. each women had the innate desire to be a mother. To be more than a mother, to carry, connect with love, and nourish their baby. While many women groaned That their pant size was getting larger these women Longed for the day they would purchase maternity clothes. Rather than hiding their bellies these women dream of flaunting it, of relishing in the beauty that it truly is. They dream of touching ever so gently the tight skin that surrounds their ever growing belly. A sweet soft smile carves Around their mouth and they are finally at peace. Their hard work and determination has at last paid off. Some of these women's journeys Are longer than others, some do not end the way we would like them to end. Each journey teaches us to fight harder, believe more and never give up on the desires of our hearts. These women band together in this journey because for many it's incomprehensible as to why we try so hard or chose to go through so much. Many people see what we are doing as evil. They think we are playing the role of god when in reality we are fighting for the freedoms that many have and take for granted or abuse wildly. If you had cancer wouldn't you treat it? Yes well fertility is no different. Cancer and infertility are actually ranked amongst the two highest stress illnesses. They are both heartbreaking, emotionally taking and leave you feeling broken, naked, and financially drained. There are many treatments for both but a cure is never guaranteed. In my new job I have come to respect the couples I serve. I have learned to respect and hold the women I treat at a much higher level than I had before. Men well they are there, but these women, they are Amazing!!! They do what many man cannot. I see women look at their fertility schedules and memorize them. they know exactly what days their appointments are, what medications they are taking and how to use them. While reviewing the information many men look dumbfounded and ask when do I need to show up?! It's amazing how resilient us women are. I'm so proud of us for our strength, beauty, kindness towards each other, and determination. In my journey I have found that it has been easier for me to hope for someone else than it has been for me to hope for myself. I so badly want to be a mommy, but it's hard to always have faith and positive outlooks. My good friend Erika told me one day that it was ok for me to lose hope or be slightly negative. I remember looking at her waiting for her to tell me to hurry up and get over it. She didn't. She reached across the table and told me when you are weak ill be strong, when you give up I'll hold on. Erika has been holding on to hope for me for About a year now. I am so thankful for her strength and the love she had for me. I love being her friend. I love the time we share together. I am so blessed in so many ways knowing her. She has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders, she has often times cried with me and punched pillows when things just stink. She always sticks up for me And shows me love that so many friendships lack. She offers to give me shots, she drove me to many appointments, she meets me for lunch on a regular basis. She loves watching the same movies a million times over a tub of popcorn with me. She introduced me to her sweet adorable son Noah. I love Noah and have so much fun with him. He is such a beautiful boy who has so much imagination and is so sweet! I love rubbing Erika's belly and watching the life that is inside her grow. I love thinking about the little boy who I will soon meet. I love zach for being such a great husband to Erika and father to Noah. Ahhh I'm just so thankful for all the beautiful women who have been a huge part of my life!! My heart especially goes out to my grandma, you are my best friend! You love me rain or shine and always make me feel good enough. Jeanne I love you for wanting to be my mom. Marcia I love you for making Matty whom I adore and for being so completely thoughtful and so loving. Vicki you are my other mom I love you for always loving me and for being such a joy to be around! My friends Franny you are my cupcake, my hpl forever. Jenny and Jen what can I say you two are the best. Kelly thank you for sharing your love, life and passions with me. I love watching you grow in so many ways. Your photography, your wife role and now as a mom, it's so beautiful. I couldn't have asked for a more loving supporting group of women. From my beautiful hip stylish aunts to my moms, sisters and friends!! I love you all and am so very proud of you!

15 Fertilized!!!

Hello my sweet easter bunnies. Today Daddy and I got great news that 15 of you fertilized. Thats awesome! I had the procedure yesterday where they went in to get you all out. Dr. Potter was able to get 20 eggs. I kept saying how many eggs did we get, then everyone would say "20!" and I would repeat "20?" wait how many eggs did we get? haha the medication made me really loopy and forgetful. I heard I was very polite and kept telling the Dr. and the nurses there that I loved them and thank you so much for coming in, now go eat! haha I brought them all breakfast because they cam in for us on a Saturday. They gave us such wonderful service my sweet ones. Everyone had huge smiles plastered on their faces. Debbie came to hold my hand and she said a prayer for us before the procedure. Daddy got to start my IV. He did so well. He also pushed some anti nausea medication, which did absolutely nothing for me. I threw up....a lot! 


Nikki also came to help pass tubes filled with eggs to the lab, and Rachel was there holding the suction needle that Dr. potter uses to get you out. Dr. Potter said I had a lot of bleeding. He wasn't used to seeing so much blood, he thought it was because of the ted hose the nurse put on me prior to the procedure. He pulled them off and tried to stop the bleeding. He was able to control it. When I woke up in the recovery room everyone including Dr. Potter were sitting by me with big smiles. They were so happy that we had gotten so many eggs. I had a lot of cramping and nothing was helping. Susan kept bringing me warm bags of fluids to put on my belly and it helped a bit, but not much. They brought me food and juice, I got 4 liters of fluid to help replace some blood loss and keep me hydrated. Once Daddy and I left I barely made it to the car before I threw up. Thankfully I had a bag. When we got home I slept and slept and slept. Daddy made me dinner, it was awful. Don't ever ask him to make you top ramen. See Mommy and Daddy never eat that because its pretty bad for you, but I have strict diet orders to increase sodium and protein so top ramen has a lot of sodium and we put eggs in it. Well since I was feeling so bad I was really looking forward to sipping that hot salty broth, but Daddy drained all the broth and handed me a cup of icky sticky lumped together noodles. I was so sad. I took three bites but thats all I could force down. Then I made myself drink more gatorade, which I also dislike a lot. Mommy usually only drinks water, and maybe the occasional arnold palmer but they are not allowed on my diet plan until we are pregnant. :( Any way Harvey and I walked upstairs and crawled into bed together while Daddy studied. I thought I needed to throw up, but tried to relax myself and take deep breaths. I had just finished swallowing 10 pills all of which are really important. The most important ones were the steroids. They help to prevent my body from rejecting you. Well my mind couldn't control my poor body. I threw up everywhere. I tried to cover my mouth which only made it worse. it back fired all over me and my face. our bed was soaked in barf. I was so sad. Daddy ran in and pushed me into the shower then ripped the sheets off and cleaned the bed. This is super gross I know but I needed those pills and knew I couldn't get more, so I dug through the barf for the ones I could see. I forced myself to take them, they were awful. Steroids + throw up... totally gross. But if it helps me have you it was worth it. 


I crawled into our fresh sheets that Daddy had placed trash bags all around, and tried to get comfortable. In the Hall I heard Daddy say oh my gosh babe!!! I couldn't get up so I said what happened. He walked in with harvey and told me that poor harvey had barf all over him :( oops. Daddy took a nice warm shower with him though and then they both came to bed.


This morning Daddy drove me to acupuncture. It was nice and relaxing. I needed it. I has helped a bit with my nausea. I haven't eaten much but I haven't thrown up today! Yay.


Now this week we watch you grow. I will go back to work tomorrow and Daddy will go to school. On Tuesday Dr. Potter will take one of the cells in you out and send it to the lab for genetic testing to make sure you are healthy. Then if you all grow well and are healthy we will get to put you back in and freeze the rest of you for future use. Daddy and I love you all so much and are so happy to know you. We cannot wait to meet you and kiss your sweet faces. We have big dreams that include you!!! Stay healthy and grow well my sweet little easter bunnies. I am being a good Mommy from home taking all of my medications and eating well so that I am healthy for you. 


I have been taking progesterone daily to help support you once you come back. I got my first estrogen shot today, I will take it every three days. Daddy gives me that one. Its in the butt! That one helps to thicken up my lining so its nice and cozy for you to implant. I am also taking baby aspirin to help prevent blood clots, metformin to help prevent miscarriage caused by mild insulin resistance, doxycyclin to help prevent infection caused by the needle that was used to get you, and steroids. The steroids help to weaken my immune system so that when we put you inside my body will welcome you instead of saying hey there is an invader. I hope all this hard work pays off. There are a lot of people here who love you and are rooting for you!


So excited to have you put back inside my belly Thursday. Stay warm and say hi to your brothers and sisters for me!!


Love you so much