Thinking of you

Hi my sweet sweet angels,
Gosh I miss you so much. I would give anything to have you here for a minute again with me. My forehead aches from being crinkled, my eyes burn from crying and my throat feels tight. I am strong, I used to be so much stronger. I don't know how to be your mommy without you. I think of ways to help others or be a better person, to give, to love better but I still ache for you. I ache to bring you home. To hold, to rock, to kiss, to listen to. I long for sleepless nights, for any reminder that you are here. You are both so beautiful babes. The most Georgous babies I've ever seen. Gosh you were so small bugs. So so small. Today your auntie and I were looking through your bins. I hadn't seen everything you had because Daddy packed  it all up. Well today we looked at all your things, we talked, we laughed a lot and we remembered. We found some really tiny premie outfits I think might have fit you! It's amazing to see how small the clothes were, perhaps they would have been big on you. We took Harvey for a walk and noticed SAMs was having the koji taco truck again so we got lunch there. Tonight was our family Christmas party. Our family always celebrates with our aunts uncles cousins grandparents and parents before Christmas. It's always really fun, beautiful decorations, laughter, food, wine, music... This year I couldn't get going. You should have been here! You should be being passed around the room, people holding and smiling down on you. Instead your not. It was too hard so I stayed home with Harvey. I painted, ate some lentil soup auntie made me and drank some hot chocolate and coffee. I did laundry and watched a movie with Harvey. 

Today auntie, Mila, Harvey and I took pictures with your dolls. Everyone was dressed up. Well I set the dolls aside and then busied myself for the day. When Harvey and I came to bed I panicked because I couldn't see them. Normally I'd freak out, rip sheets off the bed, throw things to the floor, fly down the stairs sobbing until I find you, but today I calmly but frantically looked for you. You were in the laundry basket. Phew! I almost passéd out. When my hands held your dolls my blood pressure dropped and my body tingled. I kissed your dolls and climbed into bed with them. Tonight I'm brewing serenity. I like the sound of brewing more than humidifying although they both sound nice. Brewing makes me sound like a witch which I'd like to be for a bit! Haha

Anyway serenity should help calm me and soothe us to sleep. It's already worked magic on your brother! He's sleeping on my side of the bed, guess that means I'll sleep on daddy's side. Your brother has been beyond sweet and clingy lately. He follows me everywhere. He even leaves his bone to come upstairs with me! It's pretty cute and sweet to see. He took a nice hot tea tree shower last night and loved it. He's such a good boy. He is so wonderful with Mila. I love watching them interact. Gosh I just love to imagine how he would be with you both and how you would be with him. I'm sure it would be equal abuse and love. You pulling on him, him stepping on you, you feeding him food, him licking you. Oh it makes me smile! He would be so protective of you! Today we took pictures with Mila, Harvey and your dolls. I'll post them soon. I'm sure you were smiling. Mila smiled once we placed your dolls near her. She's so sweet and is getting so big! It amazes me each day to see how much she has grown and changed just these last three months! Gosh can you believe she will be three months next week? You were three months the 12th! I wonder how big you would be, if you would be home, what we would be doing. Gosh I miss you!

Your auntie Megan wrote you both a beautiful letter! I loved it!! She loves you both so much! She is always willing to talk about you, remember you, be sad with me over you and hope with me for a future. She is able to understand me so much. We both went through fertility treatments, we both were on bed rest, we both had babies in the nicu. Its nice having someone who knows what we went through. Im sad she had to go theough it, but its comforting not being comoketely alone. It's so amazing how we met and have become so close all because of you and Mila! Its amazing. You never know! oh another fun thing today was your stockings arrived in the mail. Mary the woman who made them is such a lovely woman. She sent a stocking for the four of us, you both, daddy and myself. She also included an extra stocking for your future sibling. It brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart! It was beyond thoughtful of her! I'm going to write her tomorrow to tell her how lovely they are and how much we love them! We have two letters so far in your stockings and many gifts have been given in your honor!

I love you both. 

12/21/12

Mayans predicted that today would be the end of the world, at least that's when the Mayan calender stops. Daddy and I got to visit and learn about the Mayan culture when we were on our honeymoon. It was so lovely! I love learning about new things, ways of living, and embracing our environment. We hiked beautiful ruins and had a blast. It was so warm and so breathtaking. I wish we were there now. Those were the lighter days in our lives. Things were slower, more refreshing and less pained. This year has been full of joy, excitement, devastation and pain. I cannot imagine a worse year ever. 

Today is the day you would have been 40 weeks. Today I am exhausted not from waking up to feed you, change you, love on you and interact with you. Today I am tired because my brain never slows enough for me to rest. My body aches from losing you. My uterus is empty and full at the same time. I have a c-section mark that hurts frequently. It aches sometimes when I touch it, it aches when certain clothes press against it. My once milk filled breasts are now empty saggy tube socks. Our house is quiet. Interruption as I was typing this I noticed Harvey push into your room. I walked in after him and asked him if he wanted to sit in your room. He did! Haha we sat there on the floor in the middle of your nursery. Harvey was smiling and panting while looking around and I sat there on the floor talking about you. I asked him if he could see you, his babies. He stood up, turned around and sat on my lap. I hugged and held him with the biggest smile on my face! so cute!!! I totally believe he can see and sense you. Thank you for saying hello my sweet Little's. Please know that I love you both so much and wish so very much you were here with us today. I am so hopeful that one day we will have a sibling in our lives for you. I am so excited to tell them everything about you, how beautiful you both were and how much you love them. I loved your nursery, it was the perfect room for you two, but now I think we need to change it when a new baby comes home. We of course have no idea or control over when or if that will happen, but I think when the time is right you will help us. 

I wish I were holding you in my arms tonight and every night. Please know I think of you often, almost every few minutes. Even when I sleep I think of you. Thank you for being in my life, even though it was such a short time I am so happy I was able to love you, learn from you, and be your Mommy. I can't promise I will always be strong, I don't even know how I am being strong right now, but I can only guess it is you giving me some of your strength. 

Tomorrow is Daddy's last day of the fire academy. He will have a small celebration with his classmates and then he will be assigned to his station. I am excited to be able to celebrate Daddy's hard work with you and him tomorrow. We are planning on having pasta for dinner. I hope we get to talk about you and share happy and fond memories of you on the day you were due! We will remember you today, and everyday! 

We love you our little angels!

Love Mommy

The greatest love

I love watching Harvey love us. I know it may seem silly to many who don't own pets or see their pets as family but I do. I truly treat Harvey like he's my son. Matt and I have always raised him how we hoped a boy would be. We talk to him, we love on him constantly and we discipline him when needed. We love getting to take him places with us. If I could I would turn him into a real boy. I just love being with him! 

Harvey has been a blessing always. He loves people, and is so thoughtful. He knows when I need extra love and is so gentle with me. Yes he does naughty things sometimes that make me nervous or upset but who doesn't?! He jumps up to greet people sometimes and it's scary for my grandma and many people. It's not very polite and we have been working at nixing that for years. I think he does it because we hug each other and so he wants to be up at our level and hug us. He doesn't jump on people who are smaller than him. He really isn't naughty. He never really was. We always trusted him in the house. Of course he showed us he was upset with us a few times when I worked exceptionally long hours. Once I came home to a hole dug in the yard and a big pile of dirt! I was grumpy because it was a mess that I would eventually clean but when I saw him he was more upset with himself than I was. I didn't greet him, I just looked at him and sternly said, "Harvey, this is not good" . He had his head low and his tail was between his legs. He knew it was naughty, but I had no right to yell at him. Kids make messes all the time and he is a puppy. I cleaned the mess, came inside and kissed and hugged him. I told him that I loved him still, and that it was ok he made a mess, but mommy didn't like it much. We always talk to him. He never dug another hole! The beach is a different story he's allowed to dig there and we encourage it! He needs to be free.

Last night Matt and I were going to have a date night. Yesterday was a really emotional day for me. I felt so bad when Matt came home I was in tears. I'm sure it's not the most exciting thing to leave work eager to go out only to find your wife in a heap on the bed! I know sexy! Anyway we decided that getting out in the fresh air would be nice. I got ready, washed my tear streaked face and walked downstairs. The garage door was open. No Harvey to be seen. I asked Matt if the door had been open long and he said yes but Harvey wouldn't walk out alone would he? I ran outside terrified! It's always a fear of mine that he will get hit, or taken. I was yelling for him and Matt ran out also looking for him. Suddenly his sweet head popped out of the backseat of Matt's car. It was turned on and ready to go. Harvey was sitting in the back. He had a look on his face that said your not going without me! So the three of us left for dinner. It was so lovely having him with us. He was wonderfully behaved and everyone loved seeing him. He snuggled with us all night.

Today I spent much of the day with him, we played fetch, talked and snuggled on the couch. I left for dinner with Megan, Yaojen and Mila. I kissed him goodbye and left. I missed him so much!!! We hate leaving him home. When I got home he was so sweet. He nestled right up against me and I hugged him and kissed his head and cheeks. Then I took him outside to potty. When we went out Matt arrived and showed Harvey the groceries we had. We have a rule of showing him everything we bring home, so his routine is to put his head in all the bags we have inspecting it! It's really funny and cute to watch. Anyway he was so happy to see Matt, but was anxious I would leave. He stood with his body against me and his head on matt. I went to check the mail while Matt parked his car and Harvey was torn watching us go in different directions. He moved forward then back. I laughed because it was so cute watching how much he loves us and wants to be with us. We parked the car, got the mail and came inside. Matt's watching a movie now and Harvey and I are upstairs in bed. I'm writing and he's laying by my feet keeping them warm. 

I feel so lucky having Harvey. He truly is more than a dog to me. He is my family. He is my son and I am proud of him and the sweet kind boy he is. He knows when my heart is aching and although he can't offer me words his actions speak loud enough. 

He is my angel on earth. I love you Harvey. 

Hold tight

Hold tight to what you have because tomorrow it might be gone. 

It's funny as I sit in bed holding my scent dolls, your dolls. I clutch them tightly and smell them. I kiss their soft heads and curl them under me tightly. They are all I have left of you. My memory of your existence, something tangible that we both shared even if only for a few days. I love smelling them, touching them and sleeping with them. 

Until a few weeks ago I would panic if I couldn't find one of them at night. Sometimes it would get tucked under a pillow, or twisted into a blanket and I would freak! My heart would immediately start pounding, my ears would get foggy and my nose would tingle as though I'd just inhaled fresh wasabi. The lights in the room would flip on and I would rip at the sheets, throwing blankets and pillows onto the floor in a desperate search for you, for the dolls. This was becoming very stressful for me, and daddy as he tried to sleep. It's something I have been working on in therapy. I visualize myself losing you, misplacing a doll and my heart thumps viciously against my chest. I then look for you in my mind and bring myself to a calm and safe place mentally. This has helped prepare me not to melt down when I can't immediately find you, I am able to calmly, yet swiftly move my hands through the sheets until I find your cotton fluff. I hug you and clutch you tightly. It brings me peace and I feel closer to you. 

Tonight I clutch you tighter, closer and stronger. I smell your scent with my eyes shut. My eyes burn from the hot tears that spilled from them all day long. They sting with each blink. Today I miss you so much and I feel terrified.

Last night I had a terrible nightmare. It was my reality. In my dream I was on bed rest and went into labor. I knew you would die and I sobbed. I threw everything in my hospital room, I broke windows, the tv, the computer, everything. I yelled, I cursed and I tried to hurt myself to escape the pain from within. The dream was all too real and so painful. After I emerged from bed with a heavy heart Harvey and I were filled with more heartache when we turned the news on only to discover that 20 innocent children had been murdered. My heart broke, tears streamed down my face. I know the pain their parents will feel. The pain in their hearts, the dreams ripped away, the sadness that will fill their lives. I picture their homes filled with warmth this holiday season, their trees lit and decorated, presents under the tree that will never be opened. My body aches for them. I want to protect them, to save those innocent children. They are gone, they will never be at the dinner table again. Never in bed, they won't wake you in the middle of the night from a bad dream or for a cup of water. All too often we take what or who we have for granted. We are annoyed by small irritations or messes, but those messes are a reminder that there is life and that although that life may not be perfect it's there and it's good. 

Today I am heartbroken that I am alone instead of with you. My biggest worries should be of family and friends getting mad at me because I won't let people visit you in the winter! I should be worried about you getting sick, not about losing your dolls. I should be delirious and exhausted from you keeping me awake not from my nightmares. Life isn't as it should be. 

Tonight as I urge you to hug your loved ones and hold them closer I find myself in bed with Matt and Harvey sleeping. In my arms I have mr bear and your dolls. I need them, I need you. I am having a hard day coping. It has been very hard. I'm afraid of today. I haven't felt this low and helpless in the last two weeks. I feel desperate to clutch onto something, but around me the ground is shifting and breaking away. My hope tonight is that each day will be brighter even if my nights are darker first. I must endure the dark to reach the light. I just need to hope for the light, for a new tomorrow, for a stronger day ahead. If it doesn't happen I hope I can allow myself to embrace my pain and allow it in rather than cover it up. I need to learn to accept it rather than be owned by it. 

Today I hold you tighter and miss you harder. Tonight I hope you are offering those sweet children love and peace in your sweet presence. Tonight I love you, I will love you always.

my scent dolls that sleep with me every night...

 Daddy holding you tight...

 Watching the news with me today, you looked so bummed... you are so sweet

terrified children being escorted out of the school by their brave teachers, classmates, and support personal.

Falling

Darlin don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years...Ill love you for a thousand more...

I miss you so much! I hate this! Life is so hard without you in it. I've been trying so hard to be more positive, to be happy, to be productive, to live with my sadness not be debilitated by it. My heart aches so badly. My chest rumbles and shakes. I sob and sob, I howl, I yell, I cry. Tears pool under my neck, my eyes are shut so tight yet tears still manage to escape and make their way down my face, over my neck and over my body. My nose tingles and stings, then feels stuffy and clogged. I want you back! I need you here. Why wasn't I good enough to be your mom? Why wasn't I good enough to get to keep my babies?! Why? I hate feeling sad, hurt, angry and crises when I see a pregnant person, when I see someone get to bring their baby home from the hospital, when I hear people not wanting to be pregnant. It is like salt being rubbed into my raw heart. 

So many questions storm my mind. If I allow myself to view god then I am filled with anger. If I choose to believe in this higher power than I am disgusted and ashamed of this thing. He is an accomplice to all evil, all bad things that happen here he sits and watches. I can't believe in that type of thing. I believe in hope and having faith in hope and in myself as well as others. 

I am so annoyed with people who sit back and judge me for grieving my babes while they go home to live with theirs. I'm sick of people thinking we should move on or be over our loss already. I'm tired of people placing themselves before me and my feelings always. I'm sick of people judging me and my actions, my sins are no worse than yours. It annoys me that so many can tell me how to grieve, to live, to function or act yet they won't bother to look within. Ugh so grumpy!! Agh hopefully I'll wake up better. In therapy and in our support group we learn that grief is a roller coaster and they were right. Much like the NICU it's two steps forward five steps back. I was feeling so steady that this drop came out of nowhere and really took me by surprise. I hope for tomorrow. I hope for the strength to live one more day through my pain...

Learning to laugh again

Hi my sweets!
I miss you both, but I feel you with me. I  see you in the flowers that are blooming, I hear you in the pitter patter of the rain that falls gracefully to the ground. Our house has been filled with so much love and warmth. It is full of smells and delicious meals. I have been quite a busy bee. I am trying to help Daddy as much as possible since he is working and I have been home. I am still in therapy twice weekly and that takes a lot of my time, but I have found peace and comfort in cooking and cleaning. I have been walking with Harvey, and visiting friends, support groups, and living a bit. Today I cooked vegetarian chili. It is really good! I added white beans, kidney beans, garbanzo, black, corn, carrots, zucchini and squash, bell peppers, garlic and onion as well as quinoa for a healthy protein. It is really yummy! I also cooked some cornbread with rosemary in it. I am eager to try that! Yesterday I was a cookie making machine. I made peanut butter pumpkin cookies with chocolate chips in them. I also made creme de menthe cookies, and chocolate cookies! yummy! I was going to make dog treats with Harvey but I didn't have any wheat flour. Today while I was cooking I spilled half of my bottle of rosemary all over the stove, counter and floor. I just laughed. What a mess I made. Life still goes on, of course I didn't want to spill or waste the rosemary, it just happened. There is no divine force in life that made me spill it, it just happened. I giggled, swept the floor and then decided I would mop it. I then vacuumed the living room and dusted. I was on a roll. Last night Daddy went to bed really early and I wasn't ready to sleep so I rearranged the tea drawer and spices. Haha.......well my sweets I am going to hop into the shower. I love you both so much!

Here is my veggie chili! It came out so good!

Rosemary cornbread cake!

My mess! I spilled rosemary all over the floor haha

Its Christmas time...

Happy holidays my sweets! 

This has been such an emotionally hard year for me. I miss you both more than ever, but have been trying my hardest to find the light that will carry me through some of this darkness. Daddy and I have been so busy! It is funny how busy I have been and I am not even working. I have been seeing doctors and therapists multiple times a week. I have been shopping, cooking and cleaning. Harvey has been keeping me busy too. It has been nice. I still have times that I am filled with great sadness and I find tears running down my face, but those times are getting further in frequency. It doesn't mean I don't miss you, I am just learning to handle my pain differently and more constructively. I love being with babies and children. Ok I should take that back, I have found joy being around certain babies and children. Not all of them are easy for me to handle. Some are wild and have parents that don't pay attention to them and that is hard for me, but seeing the ones that are loved and enjoyed brings me so much happiness. It helps me think of how I would have been with you and how I hope to one day be with your siblings. I miss you my sweet angels and if you were here I would hold you and kiss you all the time! Thank you to my wonderful friends who have surviving babies for allowing me to be a part of not only your lives but the lives of your sweet littles. 

This year I was not going to decorate for Christmas, but after thinking one night I decided that you deserved a tree. It is your first Christmas and you deserve a wonderful one this year and every year! Daddy and I went to Sams market right next door with Harvey and picked the perfect baby tree for you. We brought it home and Daddy and Harvey planted it in a pot. We got the Christmas decorations down and decorated your tree with all the baby and kid decorations we had. The lights looked beautiful and it really made me happy. I wrapped all the presents I had purchased earlier in the year and we placed them on the chest by the tree. Harvey loves looking at and smelling the tree. I am having stockings made for you and we are going to start a yearly tradition with them. You will each have one on the mantle. We will hang them always because you are a part of our family and always will be. We want your memories to live always, we are proud to be your parents. We decided for Christmas those who wish to do something for you can write a note and slip it in your stocking. We also thought that if someone wanted to do more they could make a donation to their favorite organization in your names. This year Daddy and I are buying a family dinner who cannot afford it and also donating a few gifts to children who wouldn't get any. Looking around our cluttered house we realized we have well over enough and there are so many kids and people in the world who would love socks, pajamas, or food for Christmas. They don't even ask for toys, they want these other things so badly. It makes me happy inside seeing others receive gifts, and knowing we helped others. 

Daddy has been busy working and is very exhausted when he gets home. I have been really good about cleaning and cooking meals for us so that when he arrives home we can eat, and then relax. Well, I do the dishes and pack Daddy's lunch and Daddy gets ready for his next day at work. Harvey has been really missing Daddy, so when he comes home I make sure to give them a few minutes alone to bond and love on one another before I say hello to Daddy. Then I get my hug and kiss. Daddy has been very thoughtful telling me how great the house looks and also how yummy the dinners are. That makes me feel really good and appreciated. 

Today I had the morning free so I went to downtown disneyland with Megan and Mila. It was really fun. I have never been there which is funny because we live less than a mile from there. We enjoyed Hot chocolate and french donuts. They were too good! I even got to hold Mila in the K'tan wrap which I LOVED!!! I never had the ability to carry you in one of them and it was so sweet feeling the cozy warmth of her near my heart. I am so hopeful that one day we will have a baby! Mila will have so much fun with them. Today Megan gave us a very thoughtful and beautiful gift. She bought you your first ornament for the Christmas tree! We will decorate it yearly! It had your names and said forever in our hearts!!! I was so excited to place it on your tree! It looks so good. I love talking about you with Megan. She loves you both so much. I love that she still thinks about you both and that she isn't afraid to share you with me. It makes me so happy as your mommy. 

Yesterday was a nice day also. I got to spend time with Kelly and Maja. Maja is getting so big! Kelly is amazing with her. She is so patient and so good at teaching her how to be a well rounded child. I love it. At one point Maja was snacking on nuts and berries and like most kids she decided to drop them all on the floor. Kelly didn't bat an eyelash, she said Maja we don't put out food on the floor. She got her a bowl and asked her to help pick them up. She didn't reach out and scoop them up for her, she patiently allowed Maja to pick the mess she had created up! Wonderful!!! More parents need to do this. If we constantly do everything for our littles we are doing them a disservice. Their future husbands and wives will thank us for teaching them to be thoughtful and respectful of others and our environments. Maja was so snuggly. She curled up right in my arms, and my heart melted. I loved it. She is so sweet, beautiful and so thoughtful. Its amazing just how much babies know. I am so lucky to have such beautiful, strong and loving mommy's to act as role models for me. 

Another wonderful thing happened. A new friend of mine recently found out she is pregnant. Chloe we are wishing you a very blessed pregnancy filled with happiness, hope and a lot of peace. I hope your sweet angel Abella blesses you and this little rainbow baby! My friend Chloe lost her baby Abella this pat October and has been struggling since. The pain a parent feels after losing a baby or child at any age is the worst pain imaginable. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I am so happy you have been given the opportunity to carry a little love bug again! Rub that belly for me hun! So happy for you!

 This is your little Christmas tree!! I hope you like it.

 Here we are picking it out from Sam's next door. We looked until we found the perfect one.

 Auntie Megan got you this ornament. Its your first one. Mommy and Daddy bought you a personalized one but it hasn't arrived yet. Soon though! We love you.

 Your sweet cousin Mila, She is getting so big! How cute is she with her bow?

 Daddy on his birthday! We went to Maggianos for dinner. Daddy surprised me and took me there. He is so sweet. We had a really nice time, wine and delicious food. We also met another Dad and his son. It was the dad's birthday. He asked us if we had kids too, and we said yes we do, but that you live in heaven. He loved that we shared you with him, and he loved that we loved you enough to talk about you. He said he thinks fate brought us together that night and he was so happy to meet us. He gave us his card and asked us to email him when we do have a baby at home. So funny who you meet.

 Daddy and your cousin Mila. They were just looking at each other. I loved it. He was so good with her. He is going to be the best Daddy ever!

 Harvey and his friends meeting Santa!

 Harvey bringing the packages in. We have been working on bringing them in and opening them:)

 Maja and me. Maja is getting so big. Her personality is so sweet, she is so cute and fun to watch!

 Harvey by your tree! He loves sitting by it.

Harvey snuggling with me.

XO

I am going to add a few pictures from the last few days...Enjoy

Please learn!!!

Please learn!!

Hello my fellow blog readers! I hope you are all great. Today I come to you with a story and a plea for help. No matter how big or small you are, young or old, you can learn to help save a life...

Today I had a busy busy day! It started early. I walked Harvey and then went to my doctors appointment for my ankle. The doctor was young like just born young! I was expecting an old man. Ha he said yeah it looks bad, you need to see an orthopedist and get an MRI, maybe some pt too. I already knew that, thank you for wasting my time and charging me a copayment! Lol

Next I went to the DMV! Luckily I had an appointment so it only took me 20 minutes! I lost my drivers license so I needed to get a replacement before I needed it. With my luck I decided to go ASAP! Haha

After the DMV I met up with Megan and Mila. Mila is getting so big!! She was 9lbs at her last appointment. She is looking around more, holding her head up and has the cutest poo bear butt! I love watching Megan with her and of course I love my auntie time with her!! We had lunch and then snuck off to the goodwill. Megan was looking for an elf on the shelf and I was in search of a large brita water pitcher because mine is too small. I refill it at least 7 times a day! We looked around and were both unlucky. We did find some goodies though. we were trying to be quick because we snuck out with Mila, who was born in september right after Grace and Wyatt. She isn't really out yet bc of flu season but we bundled and covered her. We were being sneaky because her husband said not to go, thats when we should have known something weird would happen! As we got in the line Megan said oh no someone threw up. I immediately thought someone is sick lets get Mila out of here. I saw the woman's hand only. It was white, like sheet white. The checkout girl was cleaning the floor in front of the woman and another woman about 40 was holding her shoulders up. She had vomit on her pants. I felt bad but we started to head towards the door. As we did i thought, She was so white. I thought oh my goodness I better see if she's ok. Well I went over and she was not alert at all, not breathing and no pulse. I asked if anyone knew her name. It was Liz (name made up for her protection) I said help me put her on the floor. Go get help, they called for help while I started CPR. I told Liz my name was Andrea and I was going to try helping her. I know hearing is the last to go, and I didn't want her to think what the hell is happening!  I asked the worker if they had an AED and to go get it. She said what is that, then said, "oh that box thing?" yes the box thing. Then she said well we called 911. I said i don't know when they will be here go try to find it. I was doing CPR the entire time. It was crazy and intense!!! After a bit she started breathing, and her eyes fluttered. I said Liz, it's Andrea, can you breathe for me? Your doing great keep trying.  I told her to keep breathing then felt for a pulse it was weak but returning. I kept telling her to breathe and listen to my voice. Then the firemen and paramedics arrived! It was insane!!! She was alive when she left so they were all so happy and thankful I was there. Everyone kept saying good job! Thank you! So glad you were here! I was a bit embarrassed! Megan and i left afterwards and i was thinking oh no her husband will find out now, and she was thinking wow! Andrea kicked butt! Haha we were laughing about our crazy day together! Man it was scary!!

This brings me to my plea for help. I was the only person in that store that knew CPR. You don't need to be a nurse to learn CPR, anyone can do it. I actually learned today that the boy scouts do it! I think that's amazing!! It's not hard, it's very basic and can make all the difference in the world! Had Liz not received CPR her brain would have died and she would have also. Her organs were not getting blood and therefore no oxygen. No oxygen = incompatible with life. SCARY!! Fate took me there today. The entire time I was there I thought oh my gosh what if this was my grandma, or my mom, or a friend and they died because no one knew basic life support skills. My stomach felt sick. The manager thanked me, he said they don't know CPR. They hadn't even located the AED at this point. Why bother to have a life saving device if you don't know where it is or how to use it?!!!! I believe every person should learn CPR. You don't even need to breathe for the person anymore. I chose not to because I was uncomfortable placing my mouth on hers and I knew studies show the most crucial thing is getting the heart pumping again, and so that was my focus, and goal. I want to push all people in customer service to Learn it. If not at least the manager on duty should know it! Places should Put a poster up on a wall. What about showing a CPR how to as a 30 second commercial instead of what stupid car is coming out, or what new pharmaceutical medication will be on the market? think about it, it could mean your life, or someone you loves. Please help me help us save lives!! 

A fun idea would be going to learn with a group of your friends! Maybe a girls night, pizza, wine and CPR :) 

Websites to learn more about classes in your area:

Www.heart.org (this is my favorite site. It's the American heart association. They are the best and easiest to learn from) 

Www.pro-cpr.com ( I've taken courses through them, they are great! In long beach. Very fun class, teachers are relaxed and make learning fun! Also website has great material that you can print)

Www.cpr.com

Www.redcross.org

 If you have any questions or want a buddy I'll be happy to support anyone who wishes to learn! Feel free to contact me if you need more info!! 

Intuition

Intuition is a funny thing. I believe we are all inherently born with it. I also believe some people experience different levels of connection with it. The definition of intuition is "the act or faculty of knowing or sensing without the use of rational processes; immediate cognition." the words that hit me here are "sensing" and "immediate cognition". 

When Matt and I became pregnant with Grace and Wyatt my intuition told me, "this is too good to be true, Something terrible will happen." I remember pushing that thought from my mind. These were healthy babies, they were strong and so were we. I was going to do everything to protect them and this pregnancy. We loved them so very much. my mind sensed that something would happen but I ignored that intuition because I was more pessimistic. I viewed life and justice through a different lens and after my childhood, and then fertility journey the acknowledgement that something terrible could or would happen was not far fetched. I forced myself to believe we would be ok. You were perfect! Beyond perfect. Everything about you was beautiful. I loved listening to your hearts beating rhythmically in my belly. I loved feeling you move your bodies growing inside my belly, stretching, kicking and pushing for more room. I tried to believe. 

As I was being rushed into an emergency c section I "sensed" that something awful was coming. I thought I would surely die on the table, have an adverse reaction to medication, or bleed to death. I pushed any and all thoughts of you not surviving far from my mind. We were 25.5 weeks and while extremely premature we had a shot like so many other babies before you had. You entered the world fighting and left just as strong. We believed you would survive, we needed you to. the doctors told us we were "out of the woods at 24 weeks". Realistically you are never really out of the woods. 

"immediate cognition" melted my brain the second Dr. Patel entered our room and told us you had both experienced brain bleeds. I hoped and prayed even begged on my hands and knees for a miracle. Why not us?! Why not? That miracle never came and we slowly watched you suffer away from us. 

"sense" that life will never be the same. "immediate cognition" life can never be the same, normal is gone. 

As I sit here writing this blog tonight I feel lucky to be surviving. Just last week I was lower than low. I was the rock at the bottom. I only had up to go from there and ironically after that a cloud was lifted and I could breathe a bit easier. 

I still have my occasional breakdowns, like when I see a pregnant mommy I think that I should be pregnant or with you both. When I think of Daddy's birthday this week I think that we hoped you might share that birthday with him and pop pop. I think of your due date December 21st and think I should be concerned with you getting germs or colds during this winter season. I should be worried about limiting visitors and being a good mommy and keeping you safe. I think I shouldn't have a box of ashes. When we got pregnant and passed 24 weeks I never imagined me rolling out of the hospital empty handed, let alone empty handed and on our way to the funeral home. So surreal. So hard, so bittersweet. I am so happy I got to meet you but I'm selfish and long for more time. I miss you and want you badly. I am strong and I was strong. I am trying my very best to live a life that will and does make you happy to have me as your momma. I am reaching, loving, learning and growing. I am changing thanks to you. You have helped me grow in ways that were impossible without this tragedy. I have met and connected with people I may not have connected with before because of you two. I have met people all over the world who have lost their babies and need love, and because I am suffering we found our company. 

Today I met with a friend of mine. You know her. She is so sweet and so loving. She is an honest good person. She cared about us, she cared about you, and her heart broke when you passed. She sent me beautiful cards, lit candles for you, and showed her love and friendship to me in a dark desperate time of need. Today I was welcomed into her reality. I know you know her story, and I hope you are with her and her sweet boys. She told me that while she was in the hospital prematurely delivering her baby boys that thinking of me, and us brought her strength. I believe you two were there. When I close my eyes I see you both at the bed with her. I see you talking to her sweet boys. I imagine you protecting them, helping them know they are so loved and that they will be ok. I see you at her shoulders, your sweet little hands offering her strength. I see you smiling as she embraces her babies, as she absorbs their features, their hands, hair, skin, everything about them. I feel you so full of love for her and her family. I am so thankful you two brought us closer together. It's a rare family we are now a part of and although we are connected through a common bond that is filled with pain, we have so much love, support and hope to share with each other. 

Through listening to her story and also the stories of other friends who have lost their babies I am broken. My body shakes from within with a deeper pain. I cry, but not as heavily as I once did. Instead of rivers of water flowing from my eyes I feel thunder in my chest. It rattles and my entire body shakes. It's like I rumble from within. I feel my body tremble with intense pain and suffering as I hug, sit, listen and absorb the pain these strong women have experienced. I long to wipe it clean, to carry the pain for them. If you are gone why can't I carry someone else's sorrow? Why should more people have to suffer? I look into my friends beautiful eyes and see complete devastation and longing. She misses her baby boys so badly. 

I am jealous of normal naive pregnancies. Of women who seem to have all the luck. Why weren't we one of those women? Why do any of us have to live through this heartache?! It doesn't make sense. 

I realized today that although my journey was hard and my pain is unimaginable and all to often unbearable that I admire these women. That I feel strong but they truly are strong. I hoped you would live. These girls went into labor early knowing either that their babies had passed inside their belly, or that they wouldn't survive outside of their belly due to age. I cannot imagine the intense pain i would feel delivering babies that I knew wouldn't survive. I don't think I would be strong enough to do it. I see myself wanting to melt I to the bed and vanish. These women though we're so strong. They pushed and pushed, they wept, and they endured each and every aspect of labor only to be handed babies that were no longer living. I admire them for their love for their babies. I am so proud of them for choosing to hold them, to kiss them, to ingest everything possible about them. I am so proud that they had the courage to be strong. To push hard enough to reach their new goal. The goal of knowing you, if even for a second, if even after you were gone. These women are admirable. 

A quote that has stuck with me lately is " it's not the length of the gestation, it's the extent of the attachment."  this quote fills my heart. A loss is a loss and pain is experienced through loss. The hopes, dreams and lives we had planned have vanished and we are inserted into this surreal mind game. We are lost between  reality and denial. Denial seems to be the "easiest" route. Of course forgetting would be easy. Knowing, living and remembering is hard. Being truly present in our pain is what makes us stronger. My friend said We cannot box our pain up and visit it later.  we are surrounded by it constantly, and honestly given the option to return for a later grieving would never happen. Who would choose to return? Why not run from the pain. 

Today my beautiful friend shared some inspiration with me also. She shared a story of grace and hope. She told a story of a man struck down by the deaths of his daughter, mother and wife. he had a recurring dream of himself running and running into the sunset as it slowly faded. In his dream he never made it there in time and was always left in despair as the darkness set in. Upon sharing this dream his sister posed a question to him that struck a chord inside me. She asked him why he didn't try running the other direction, away from the sun. Why didn't he run into the darkness. Unknowing why anyone would pick darkness over a setting sun with light was beside me and most certainly this man. His sister lovingly said if you run into the darkness the sun will rise again and you will be filled with new light. What amazing thing to realize and think of. Such an encouraging thought. That to get to that beautiful sunshine we might have to brave the darkness awhile. Such a thought! Such a day filled with intuition and insight. 

I love you for being you, for helping me to meet and form lasting  bonds with amazing, strong, loving people. 

I love you my sweets. 

Mommy

Love

Love

This whole proposition 8 ruling has me annoyed. It irritates the crap out of me that people think they have a right to tell others how they should live and love. Push their beliefs and judgements against people as to what's "right" and what's "wrong". Please, give me a break! 

Love is love no matter how it happens. I believe that if you are lucky enough to find someone in life that you love, that loves you back you are lucky! Many people wander through this life without love. People are grumpy or envious of it and because of it. 

I am sharing my opinion yes, I believe people should be able to love and get married regardless of what sex they are. Who freaking cares?! 

Honestly as a parent I can't imagine saying to my child sorry honey you can't get married because your gay. Or sorry that people frown upon you, sorry that you live your life in hiding because your going against the grain and doing what makes you feel good inside. I cannot fathom telling my beautiful baby that. I hope to be the type of mom that supports her children always.  Now I'm not saying if one of my children killed someone I'd help them hide the body, id just give them tips perhaps on where to hide it;) 

I have many friends now and growing up who are gay. It took them years to come out. Why? I'm not sure but many have said they were afraid of being pushed away, no longer being as close to friends as they were previously. Not being loved or accepted because they felt bad for doing what their body said was right. 

Growing up gay relationships were very normal to me. I have two uncles that are gay. One of my uncles has been in a gay relationship for over 15 years with the same man. I love them both! They are both my uncles. They are both sweet, kind and gentle men. They loved me the same and supported me in life. They came to my wedding and smiled brightly. I know they would love to get married. Why then shouldn't they be allowed?! Because it's not right?! Ugh people who believe that are not right! 

Love and let love happen. If your open to love you might see it more in your own life.

On that note I am loving this rain! I feel like its a fresh start.  I'm enjoying it! I have my rain boots on and I have enjoyed splashing around in the puddles and walking Harvey!  So fresh and clean feeling. Perfect for washing pain and sorrow aside and welcoming new light in!!! 

Ignorance

There is a saying that ignorance is bliss, and it really is. Ignorance is what I had years ago. When I was younger and thought being on the pill would help my endometriosis. When I though I could get pregnant like so many people in this world do. When I thought I would bring Grace and Wyatt home this month. Complete ignorance. That ignorance is gone. I am envious of those who are ignorant and can live in that innocence. I will never have a pregnancy that isn't filled with worry and fears of miscarriage, pre term labor, or death. I will never be on the pill hoping to not get pregnant. I will never be the girl that bounces around my living room excited to be pregnant. I won't be the girl that runs to all of her family and friends at 4 weeks pregnant and shouts the exciting news. I am no longer innocent. My life has been changed and is now marked by an existence that is soured by tragedies, unfairness and reality. Reality is a tough pill to swallow. For so long I felt alone in this reality. I felt like no one understood me. I fought with Matt a lot, all the time. It wasn't always like that. We were happy, before our innocence was ripped away and we needed someone to feel our pain. Being married we are the closest ones to each other. We trust one another and feel safe enough to be mean. To be hurtful, to ignore each others feelings, to discount them, to force our opinions and judgements upon the other. We were battling, fighting and competing against each other. We needed to share love, acceptance and respect. We needed to remember that we were on the same team, and that even though we had lost a huge war we still had each other to hold tight to. We needed to demonstrate our love and commitment to each other. We needed to be kind and help one another grieve, laugh, live and find meaning again. 

Through the work of us each, combined with our therapist and our friends in our empty arms support group we were able to redirect our feelings. We talked about why we might feel the way we did towards one another. We talked about how for me as Matt's wife I felt like a failure. Like I was the cause of all of his pain. I really did feel this way. I was angry and hurting. I told him to leave, to divorce me and have a regular life with someone who could be a mother. Someone who could get pregnant with romance, candles and intimacy. Someone who would be sweet and loving to him, someone who would respect him always and be a wonderful mom and wife. I had convinced myself that his life would be better without me in it. I kept pushing and pushing, I was mean, hurtful and bitter. I was upset with myself and didn't know what else to do. Matt on the other hand is a bit more stubborn than I am. He wouldn't budge. He wouldn't leave, he wasn't going to lose me without a fight, so we fought. We talked about how we both felt. We talked about our future, our fears, our hopes and about supporting each other better. We agreed to eliminate the word divorce from our vocabulary. We were both feeling alone and were terrified of losing one another. We are all we have. We decided that we would tell each other daily, " I love you and will not leave you." Some days we say it one time, other days we say it fifteen times. It doesn't matter how many times we say it what matters is that we mean it and we will fight for us. 

Statistics show that losing a child or children in our case, is the biggest cause of marriages ending in divorce. More so than any other cause. It is said to be the hardest thing to recover from, both personally and marriage speaking. Statistics say that 85% of married couples that experience multiple miscarriages, infertility treatments or the death of a child will end up divorcing. We have experienced all three. We have been married almost two years this coming March and have already endured more pain and suffering than most marriages will encounter in their lifetime. We have cried more tears than we anticipated shedding. We have crumbled to the floor begging for mercy only to have everything taken away in a second. We have lost almost everything, yet we are still fighting. Still looking for goodness in this black world. We are trying to find happiness in other peoples joy, their families, their kids, their hopes. We too have hopes, we have dreams, and we have will. We are strong and we will not give up easily no matter how hard or rocky the road gets. 

Through this all I have learned a lot about myself. I was told that I am a people pleaser. I do things to make other people happy. I don't often say NO, and when I do I feel terrible and usually cave. I then get into a cycle where I am mad with myself for doing something I didn't want to do, or if I was manipulated into doing something I get angry at the person who manipulated me. I rarely stand up for myself because I'm worried about hurting someone else's feelings. I have learned that I need to be stronger. That I need to stand up for what I want, what I believe and need. I need to be firm in my decisions and my choices. I don't owe anyone an explanation and others are not entitled to them if I chose not to share them. At the end of the day I am the one who has to live with myself and the decisions make. I need to be happy and also be respectful of my own feelings and myself. I have learned also that people do not like this. People don't like someone that used to be easy to manipulate and isn't anymore. I'm excited though. I have this new freedom and power. I get to say what I want to do and when. It's kinda cool! Granted some people may not like this new me, but its right for me. 

So far this week I have had 4 nights of sleep! OK last night I didn't sleep but we won't hold that against me. I have had 4 good days! I am so proud of myself. I have been productive, fun, and really thoughtful and respectful to Matt. We have been so loving, generous and supportive of each other. It's amazing what some communication and de-bulking can do. We couldn't have fixed our funk without the help of our support group. In the group we were able to see that other couples felt the exact same way we do. That other couples fought too, that couples who have healthy happy babies and children still fight. It was good to hear that another woman blamed herself, that she wanted a divorce because she thought she was causing her husbands pain. It is good to know that I am not entirely insane, only a tad. It is so good to see them still married years after losing their children, to see them laugh, hug, and offer us support and encouragement. It is amazing and selfless. 

This week I cleaned the house! I mean cleaned it from top to bottom literally. I dusted, moped, swept, wiped all the ceilings and doors with a magic eraser. Trimmed the plants, watered them all, did ALL the laundry! Phew I was a busy bee. I even painted and cooked really good meals. Last night we had a salad with mixed greens and ahi on top. I also made a yummy veggie soup with left over turkey and ham. It was delish. Tonight I made pumpkin muffins with walnuts, so good. I even let Harvey lick the spoon. He was such a good boy today! He helped me do all of the chores. Hope you were productive too!

 Love this Daddy and Harvey playing fetch in the rain! So cute

 Harvey excited to bring the ball back :) look at those ears!

 Harvey trying on Daddy's gear! He looks so proud of his Dad!

 Harvey posing by the plants he helped "watched" me groom and water.

 Harvey annoyed that I made him wear a hat. No smile here! haha

Finally bed time!!! It was a long day for this little cutie!