I'm hard to love

I'm hard to love. I think I've always been hard to love but since losing Grace and Wyatt I can see just how hard I am to love. I have changed. The person I once was has evaporated and left a chilly shell behind. I wish I could say I was the same, but I'm not. I can't be. I'm not sure it's even possible to go back to who I once was. My losses and life experiences have made me the woman I am today. Today I am probably too honest. Brutally honest, painfully honest. Honesty that stings and hurts. I have so much anxiety about everything now. I used to be more carefree. I used to like leaving my house and doing things but now just the thought of leaving gives me anxiety and sometimes even panic attacks. This isn't a daily battle, someways I wake up and actually think about leaving! Just today I thought I'm going to take m to Disneyland, but then I immediately recanted and spent the day home. In digging deep into myself and trying to analyze why I am this way I see that at home I have control. I can monitor what happens for the most part, I feel safe, secure and In charge. When I venture out I am exposed to so much. Pregnant women still cause me crazy anxiety I'm afraid of pregnancy. It freaks me out. Seeing a pregnant belly reminds me that babies die, that being pregnant is not always exciting its down right frightening. I worry about the woman and her baby and feel

So heavy. Twins cause me great pain. I think of how Grace and Wyatt would have acted or played. How much joy it would have been watching them grow with one another. Seeing my life change. Having M has brought so much joy and hope into our lives but it has also introduced interesting situations. When we are with her people often ask if she's our only child. This leaves me to answer the question with our honest reply. No we have two other kids. Most people smile and say wow you must be a pro then! I smile and say something to redirect the conversation to M. Some people ask more how old are your kids.. Then inevitably the story comes out that we had twins who passed. Awkward silence. It's so hard, it's hard feeling like I need to lie in order to protect others from pain. It's a different feeling that I am left to live with. Every time I feel secure, like I'm getting stronger and making progress something happens and sets me back. I'm afraid of the past. I'm afraid of being sad, of remembering of hurting. A close friend of mine is struggling with the impending death of her young niece. My heart aches for my sweet friend, her niece and her aunt. I know the pain of losing a child and would wish it on no one. Watching your child struggle, watching them take their last breath as you their mother, the one designed to love and protect them sits there watching is the most helpless position. I hope this sweet family finds courage, strength and peace in her passing. I hope they learn to live again. I hope they are supported by many and feel their daughter all around them. Loss stinks. Losing a baby is not natural ever. It makes my heart ache an indescribable throb. 

How do you cry

I am in need of a good melt down. A really good cry. I don't need a sad story, a book or movie to get the release I just need a minute to myself. One where I know Micaela is safe and happy. I have been having a hard time lately. It's a combination of things really. I miss Grace and Wyatt so much. Somedays  I am afraid of crying in front of Micaela. I know it's good for her to see me cry, because it will teach her that tears are normal. That we miss her big brother and sister. That we think of them still. I guess I find it hard to cry because I'm so busy. Like 100mph busy. I never stop and the few seconds when I am still I fear that my cascade of tears will wake my girl up. So I hold them in.. Every so often tears leak from both corners of my eyes. I blink slowly willing them to absorb back into the abyss . The soft silky tears make their way down my cheek and are on their journey. It's just hard. How do other parents grieve. How do you find time to cry? Do you cry in front of your children? In front of others? For so long I have hidden my tears. I always wanted to appear strong, like I had it together. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me, so I hid those salty seas. I don't want Micaela to think I'm not happy that she is here. I am so very happy. Blissful, in love! Yet I still have that heaviness in my chest. When does it get lighter? 

Are you better

Today a friends mom approached me and asked if I was feeling better. It caught me off guard because I didn't recall being sick or not feeling well. She then proceeded to tell me that she has been praying for me since last year. Last year! There it was, it finally dawned on me. My better was relevant to my healing process. It's funny to me because I don't think I will ever be "better". What is better anyways? I have learned to live differently. My eyes are open and exposed to everything now. The secrets that I once overlooked are now red flags being waved in front of me. Sure I am better on the exterior. I smile, I try to attend events, and I have my rainbow baby in my arms. To the world I should be better; healed, done mourning the loss of Grace and Wyatt, but to me it's still an uphill battle.

Little things I say or do cause me to stop cold turkey and think about them. When I look at Micaela and tell her "she's the best" or that "I love her more than anything" I feel uneasy, like I'm betraying Grace and Wyatt. I feel like by saying those things it means they weren't the best or I don't love them so much. It's really hard and a daily battle for me. I want M to know how much I love her. I tell her a million times. I guess it's just hard finding a balance. I'm a new mom and I want to enjoy each second because I know first hand what a true gift they are. It's surreal how much love I have for her. She makes my heart beat. She healed a wound that I thought could never heal. Her smile melts away the saddest day and gives me hope to breathe again. She reminds me that life is indeed beautiful. She makes me want to live, to be the best person, wife and mother possible. I would do anything for her. She is my best friend.