Afraid

Daddy and I are going camping in Yosemite. I'm afraid. I was so excited this week, talking thinking and planning for it. Now it's almost time to go and I'm terrified! I packed my bag, Harveys food and helped daddy with getting the things I could lift. I don't know why I'm really afraid and so sad. Today was just so rough on me. Physically I felt lightheaded and nauseated, my body feels ok, my belly hurts every now and then but I'm strong. I came upstairs to brush my teeth and noticed my tummy. It's so flat! I hate it. I lost all of the weight I gained. Today I was back at our pre pregnancy weight. I was so sad. I loved that weight, I loved our round growing belly. I loved to look at it and touch it. I loved thinking about you growing inside there, I loved each movement you made. I only got to experience a few weeks of your sweet movements and they were bliss! I so long to feel you move inside me again. I long to be near you. I'm so sad that your not here, it's so hard being strong always, I'm afraid if I allow myself to fully crack I won't recover. I feel it. I'm not looking forward to very much anymore. Not work, not the holidays, not weddings for friends nothing. We have a weddig next month. I'm terrified to go and I just don't want to. Daddy won't let me stay home though:( I just want you and to be with you. Holidays are filled with family and friends, warm air, lights good food and love. I just feel so out of it like none of that makes me happy anymore. Like doing it woul be to make other people happy or be me being polite. I hate to be rude, but it's so hard to be with people. No one understands the pain I feel, how my heart feels like its outside of my chest and every breeze hurts it, ever small breath makes it shake. It hurts so badly. I never imagined my life being this way. People say to trust in the plan, to have faith etc. I'm so sick of always being faithful and trusting. How about kiss my ars! I just feel abandoned here. How can a loving God do these things? How can he allow babies to be born to mothers who toss them aside and then take my babies away so quickly? What have I done that was so horrible that I deserve to be punished always? Haven't I paid enough? Is it ever enough? Maybe I just think I deserve more than I do. Ugh life is hard, I don't understand it, and sometimes that's the beauty of it, but it's so cruel. I hate it at times. I need to see the goodness, the beauty. Daddy and I are having a hard time finding a support group out here. Someone told us we could start one and help others. we would love to mentor and support others but right now we need help and assistance healing. Life is so weird. I'm going to take a nap before we leave. I'm hoping it will help me some. I feel terrible doing it, daddy's downstairs packing and I'm upstairs napping. He does so much and I feel bad not helping more. He's been helping so very much since I got placed on bed rest and even now. Gosh he's such an amazing husband and daddy. He would have been so wonderful with you. He was so eager to feed you and change you. We loved you and looked forward to every second with you. Daddy bought your brother Harvey a Halloween costume today. He's so cute! He loves buying things for you and Harvey. He's so thoughtful and simply wonderful in every meaning of the word. Daddy got Harvey a referee jersey that says rufferee haha get it ruff?! I love it. Daddy said we can wear jerseys with him;) too cute! Daddy also bought him a swim vest to help him feel more confident and safe in the water. He loves the beach, but is intimidated by pools. We will see how he does with a lake. Our dr said I could take a bath now, so I think that means I can possibly swim!! Could be fun;) I'll need to remember a suit. Now that I know I still fit in my clothes I can pack an old one. My boobs are bigger though. Haha the body is amazing, I just wish mine worked better. Dr gray said today that we had an incompetent cervix and pre term labor, two bad things working against us. I hate that and I hate even more that I couldn't keep you safe and carry you longer. I'm so sorry babies. I honestly tried as hard as I could. I promise you I was amazing at bed rest. Better than I ever expected to be. I even sat down during my showers, and used a bed pan and bed side commode so I wouldn't place pressure on my cervix by walking. We did everything we could. It just didn't work for us and I'm sorry. I wish I could have lived with you longer, I will love you forever until I join you. Your uncle Kenny and aunt Jessica did a really thoughtful thing for mommy. They bought us a beautiful necklace. It has two hearts and engraved on the hearts are your names Grace Madison and Wyatt Rarick. I love it. It was the most thoughtful beautiful thing ever. I don't ever wear jewlery, only my rings daddy gave me and occasionally some simple earrings. But I wear this heart necklace everyday and plan to wear it forever. I love you so much and am so  proud to show the world. We couldn't be happier more proud parents. You are the best ever! Thank you for being in my life and teaching me so much. You taught me to love, to hope, to be too kind to others, to be strong, to relax when needed, and to enjoy just being still. Life goes on around us constantly, but if you have the opportunity to stop and absorb it you should. Breathe in the goodness and the moment because before you know it it could be gone and all you will be left with are memories. Hold onto the ones you love dearly and support them always. Love them when they make you mad, sad or grumpy. Remember to be too patient, and when all else fails simply laugh. 

You make me so happy. I'm sorry I cry on earth a lot, I'm just disappointed in how things ended up and I really miss you. I miss everything about you. The thoughts and excitement of you. The family vacations we planned, the parents, family and friends you won't get to be spoiled by. But know my sweet angels you were beyond loved. You were so loved here on earth, and you showed momma how loved I am. Strangers loved us, family pulled close and brought us love and strength in our minutes of hardship. Our beautiful friend Kelly captured our love for you. We are forever grateful for all the memories we have with you. They will be treasured forever. Papa Steve is making another memory for us for you and I can't wait to see it. 

Thank you for loving me and having me as your momma. It has been a huge blessing even through the pain. 

I love you always and forever

interesting day

Hello my angels
today was an odd day. Daddy and I really slept in which was really nice. When we woke up we showered and headed to our drs appointment. it  was really therapeutic to get everything off my chest that had been bothering me. our dr listened to us closely and was very polite. he made sure we were ok emotionally and physically. he got tears in his eyes thinking about you. we told him about our celebration and we are hopeful he will make it. he said if we decide to carry again that he will help us differently. we are hopeful, but still very cautious. Dr. potter said he doesn't like the idea and that he wouldn't do a transfer for quite some time. that stinks a bit. although we will never forget you ever, we would love to have a sibling to bring home. we are praying for the time to be right and for everything to line up. we are going to look into surrogacy more closely next week. funny enough today we went to st jude to drop off invitations for your party. my old roomie and friend megan had her baby this morning. she is perfect! 33.3 weeks old she weighed 4lbs 14 oz. I am so excited for her and her hubby. we went to visit them and share love and stories, talk about pumping etc. she told us that this am her roomie in recovery had given her baby up for adoption, she didn't want the baby. the nurses thought of us and wanted to tell us, but because of laws couldn't. it got me thinking about that path. what if that had happened? what if they had called us and asked us if we would be willing to adopt this baby that needed a home. they said it would be a smooth transition. i would have done it in a heartbeat, but unfortunately we didn't get a call. that wasn't our plan. we would have been so ready, your room is all set up, we have a car seat, food etc we would have been the perfect parents for that little baby. we would have brought them home and loved them so much and loved them just like they were our own baby. we would have accepted it as the path that was ment to be. it would have been a light in our black tunnel, but it didn't happen:( its weird to feel sad about something not happening that we weren't even planning on but it got me excited again to be a mommy. i so badly want to be a mommy here on earth. i want to hug and kiss our baby. to love them and just watch them grow. i always think about how you would have looked, sounded, what your friends would be like, what faces you would make, what food you would eat and what you would spit out. its amazing how my world changed so quickly. its just not fair. i want my old world back, the one where you are in my belly growing. i see so many women do it why cant i? why cant i have one thing that i want, deserve and have worked so hard for in my life? it just isn't fair at all. 

today i was really dizzy, i almost fainted a few times. ive been trying to stay very hydrated but i just felt icky. daddy is out getting things for our trip to yosemite and i couldn't go because i felt so funny. im eager to get on the road and just be with you, harvey and daddy. Im excited to see the beauty outside in yosemite. i pray i feel you with us there. today dr. potter called and asked if i was ready to come back to work. it freaked me out. im not ready to anything. i know he is really eager to have me back, but i cant mentally do it right now. i don't care about money at all i just want to be home as long as possible with you and daddy. i need time to heal and recover emotionally. ive worked my whole life and once i return i will need to continue working. im going to take as much time as i can. our dr agreed with us that we needed time and it was important not to rush into work. we need to work through this, not bury it. 

i just miss you and wish you were here. we visited the nicu today and that was rough. i so wish you were there for me to touch again, to smell, to see. gail and eileen were there. we love them. they talked to us for a long time, hugged us a lot and cried. dr hicks even came up to daddy and i and thanked us for our strength. he said it made his job manageable when functional parents showed them hope and love. he said especially during tragedies like ours, it reminded them how special life is and how crucial it is to pull near your loved ones. it made daddy and i feel good knowing that we had somehow helped others in our great sadness. we also talked about how you two touched so many lives in your five short days on earth, they said we will never know the magnitude of what you have done and how many lives you have helped for the better. thats amazing. i am so proud of you and so honored to have been your momma even thought it was much to short. please continue to do wonderful things and be wonderful people in heaven. shower us all with your beauty, love and strength down here. please remind us that life is beautiful and worth living. 

we love you so very much my angels. 

mommy

A blah day

Hello my sweet angels
Today was a blah day for mommy. I just had such a rough time being today. I questioned everything about our care the last three days we were in the hospital. Its a normal part of grieving, and I know it's not super healthy but I did it anyways. I have a lot of questions to ask our dr to or row when we go to see him for our check up. Im worried about a lot and I'm upset at what happened. Also I'm super sad that we lost you both. 

Daddy and I went to Costco to develop some of the pictures we have of you. I cried in Costco, I was so overwhelmed by all the people, my tummy was hurting and I just had a melt down. My tummy has hurt more today, primarily on the left side. Not sure if it's having a harder time healing or maybe I'm doing too much too soon. I did do 7 loads of laundry today, put them all away, cleaned the dishes and cleaned the bathroom. Not a lot but more than I've  done in a long time. 

Daddy helped clean a bit today, he ordered t shirts for our walk that were doing in a week. We're excited. We bought one for everyone doing the walk with us. We are excited. 

Tomorrow we have a full day. We are going to our drs for our check up, then we are going to a meeting on crisis interventions. It's a class for medical professionals to take. It helps train us on how to help people after a crisis. Ie the loss of their child etc. it was ironic the timing because it will help us too, so we of course signed up to go. After the class we are leaving for Yosemite. I've never been, but daddy used to go every year as a boy. It will be a fun family trip. I wish you were with us in person. Your spirit will be with us. I'm eager to be outside in the beauty of nature and the fresh air and warm sun. 

Today my friend and bed rest buddy lori had her twin boys. She did amazing. She carried them to 30 weeks!! I'm so very proud of her. She was also placed on bed rest at 17 weeks just like me. The only difference was that she had a cerclage placed. One of our many regrets. Too bad we can't turn back time. I wish we could. 

Love you my sweet angels

Friends & Family

We are so blessed with amazing friends and family. Your Grammie has come over to help us do laundry, do dishes, and walk your big brother Harvey. Harvey loves it an it's nice for us because we have been slightly neglectful. I mean we love him and give him heaps of attention, feed him and give him treats but it's hard to leave the house right now. We just in a huge funk:( my parents, your papa Steve, grandma jeanne and GG Gwen made us dinner and loved us also. We have had so many wonderful friends bring us meals. The meals have been a life saver since we still haven't emerged for groceries! Eek!!! Today daddy and I ate toast only. Grammie brought over sourdough bread so we made toast. We had water too. Then thank goodness our good friend Paola brought us a delicious dinner. Salad, fish, and pasta with breadsticks!! It was so good! We have so many friends that call and text us too. Erika another one of Mommies close friends called to say she loved me and see how we were doing. I love her. She's always so loving and supportive. You would have just loved her and her sweet boys! Friends call and leave messages or simply send us texts. Sometimes I have the energy to answer and other times I don't. They are all so supportive and understand. They don't get upset if I take a day to reply, they just know that we are coping. It's nice to get the texts, calls and letters. Another friend called us Saturday and I just had the strength to listen to the message. It's so hard listening sometimes. I get really sad and it forces me back to reality. I wish I could be in my dream land with you. We would be 28 weeks Friday. Gosh how I wish we were. Ugh I would be so happy. 

Today we met with deacon bill. He's the deacon that married daddy and me. He also baptized you. He prayed with us and helped us sort through our emotions and feelings. He helped daddy and I better understand the image of God we have. Daddy grew up in a loving house where he went to church and was full of love. He sees God as loving and very supportive and giving. I on the other hand grew up with a mom that got angry, and learned that God was a punishing God. So it's only natural for me to think I'm being punished right now by God. It was very insightful. He's so cute and smart, he totally understands me and my ery and always makes my feelings feel normal. He agrees that it's ok to be mad at God and to tell him I'm mad, he said its part of healing. I feel the same way! 

I'm so excited to be with daddy in Yosemite! We need the time to be together and talk. We have so much we need to express and we are the only two who fully understand what we are feeling. Losing you has been so hard for both of us. I think we are still in shock. We keep looking at your pictures, we notice little things about you, and they make us laugh or smile. You are and we're so loved. We loved looking at you, gosh you were truly beautiful. We so enjoyed touching you, your sweet soft skin. I loved smelling you, we were only close enough to smell you on Sunday the day you passed. It was heaven. We all napped and it was so peaceful. When I sleep now I dream of you, we are playing and having fun. Sometimes I'm still pregnant. I never want to wake up from those dreams. I linger in bed and long to stay there. 

Well Angela you are loved by so many people down here. I pray you see us on earth and laugh and smile at us. I pray you bless our amazing family and friends. Shower them and their families with sweetness and love. I pray you are happy with daddy and me. I pray we live to do amazing things for you in your names. We love touso very much! 

Mommy

I miss you so badly

I hurt so much. I miss you every second of everyday. I can't stop looking at your pictures. I imagine what you would look like as you grow. I want you back so badly. I want to be pregnant with you, I long to hear your hearts beating, to feel you moving inside my tummy! I want it all back. I've been taking this medication that's supposed to help with anxiety and depression. Granted it takes three weeks to work I haven't felt any better. I'm not sure I ever will. I think of being pregnant with you, I wonder if I will ever try to carry a pregnancy again. Daddy and I wanted to be your parents so badly. I am doing research on surrogates. They are so complex, so many legalities, so much to think about. We want a family more than anything. We want you to have siblings here. I want you back with me! Ugh I hate this

Today Harvey kept barking. He rarely barks. I got up to check on him, maybe he saw a spider or some other creepy crawler and wanted to tell us. I walked downstairs to see what was going on and he wasn't there, ruff anothe bark. I went upstairs again and there he was in your room barking. He was looking at the wall and just looking. I sat with him and then called daddy in to be with us. Harvey then laid down in front of your crib. It was pretty weird, but I'm hoping you visited your room. It looks so cute! Your bed is all set up with your arctic bedding, cute whale lamp and penguin pictures. You have polar bear bedding. It's perfect! I wish I could bring you two home to snuggle in it. Gosh I longed to be your mommy here on earth. We already have two angel babies, I never imagined we would have four:( my heart breaks. I wonder if we will ever have a family here. Adoption is so long, tedious and expensive. It's nearly impossible for people who want to be parents to have babies. I'm praying for a wonderful surrogate, I'm praying for my heart to heal. I'm praying for my incision to heal and for love to return to my broken heart. Holidays are my favorite but this year I'm dreading all of them. They will all be painful reminders of what we lost. I don't think I will even decorate this year. I don't want to do anything. Heck I don't even want to work anymore! Probably not a good thing. I've been looking into support groups. Maybe we will find a good one. Daddy and I leave with you to Yosemite soon. I can't wait to get away from here. I'm happy to be alone with daddy, harvey and you two. Our first family vacation. I love you more than anything my sweet babies. Please kiss me from above and shower me with your love. 

Your mommy

Does God hate me?

Growing up I always really held onto my faith. I hoped in the truth of the bible. I longed for a place better than earth, one filled with love, happiness, and eternal life. I longed for the peace that heaven promised. I carried my hope through years of an abusive upbringing. I tried my hardest to trust, to hope. I remember being about 8. The abuse was bad then, but not it's worst. I remember looking at my children's bible. Jesus loves the little children it read. I remember cursing God, yelling at him. Telling him he was mean, a liar, and that I hated him. In fact I didn't believe in him at all. I really did, but I thought if I told him exactly how I felt he would make my life somehow better. Well I waited 7 more long years before God opened a peaceful path for me. I moved to various states running from cps, hiding my bruises, my broken bones for fear of being killed. I hoped one day she would kill me to end my misery. It didn't happen, instead I suffered day after day. Was this some sick joke? Was this a ploy to make me consider suicide? Would I ever consider taking my own life? If I did would I be stuck in an in between land forever? Luckily when I moved to California things looked up a bit. I've always been a very hard worker whether at school, sports, work, life etc. I always tried my best, always. When I met daddy I felt blessed to have met someone I was proud to be married to. Someone who worked hard in their life to. Someone who with me would live a wonderful life filled with love and happiness, we never needed money as long as we had love and each other. Our road to getting married was rough, I held a lot of resentment, mostly as a result of my childhood. I was intimidated by marriage, I knew so many that failed, and the ones that were not failed we're miserable with wives and husbands constantly at one another's throats. No thank you. Luckily daddy convinced me otherwise. We started trying to get pregnant right away, we were advised by my dr that we needed to do it soon due to my advanced stages of endometriosis. We tried and tried, we had two first trimester miscarriages and mourned for a long time. We tried more, pills, injections, herbs, you name it we did it. When we got pregnant we were so hopeful. Then I feel like God snatched you away. He ruined my happiness, my hopes, my dreams. What is his plan? Why does he need you in heaven more than I need you here on earth? What's his plan? What is he trying to teach me? How can his plan be better than mine was? Ugh I'm so mad at him. What a bully to take both of my beautiful babies, 4 of our babies. I'm not sure what his lesson is here, I don't know If I will ever fully trust him again. How can I? How are so many promises broken? So many of my dreams ruined while others live theirs. I try not to compare myself to others, it will only result in self destruction, but really?! What the heck!!!

Today was long and tedious. I helped daddy all day prepare his packet for his background check. I typed and typed. It's 50+ pages long! It took forever. We ate two meals today which was nice. We needed the food. I guess I'm just grumpy, I'm tired, beyond emotional, and I miss you. I'm so mad that we are home. I'm mad that I'm not pregnant with you. I'm mad that you are in heaven and not safe here with daddy and me. I'm just mad.

With time I might feel differently, but right now today this is the honest truth of how I feel. I feel betrayed. How can I love and honor a God who beats me at every opportunity? Where is his love for me? Grr......

I just miss you so much. I love you more than words can describe, I think of you constantly. You are perfect. 

Bringing you home

Today daddy and I got to bring you home. It was not at all the homecoming we invisioned. Life is so not normal anymore. Everything hurts, badly. My insides feel like they are being torn out, I feel ok for a minute, and the next I'm crying uncontrollably. I miss you so badly, each day that passes I think gosh we would have been 27 weeks today, why couldn't we have made it here, I think thoughts like I shouldn't be home, I should be in the hospital still. I long to be on bed rest again with you safe, growing inside me. I hate my reality, and I so badly wish I could go back to when you were here with me, with us. I hurt so much, I don't think this pain will ever ease, and in a way I don't want it to. The pain reminds me that it's all real, that I'm not in a coma somewhere, it forces me to livemmy nightmare, my biggest fears now my reality. 

I feel sad, and mad today. I haven't felt mad yet, but today I'm really mad. I'm so mad that you aren't here, I'm grumpy because so many people have kids and don't want them, or love them, or nurture them. I'm mad because the only dream I've ever had in life was being a mom. A great mom. I didn't dream of getting married, I never dreamed of having an amazing job or being wealthy, those things didn't create my happiness. When I met daddy I still didn't dream of being married, I was excited to have met the most amazing person in the world, but I thought if you truly loved someone enough marriage didn't matter. We got married for many reasons, but for me we got married because it was important to daddy and his family. I would have been happy spending the rest of my life with daddy forever, which I hope I will;) having kids, having you has always been my biggest hope. I wanted to prove to the universe that I could be a wonderful mother, that I could break the cycle and do better than what had been done for me. Every parents goal I'm sure. I was serious, I always babysat, helped with my brothers, and loved kids. When we got pregnant the first time daddy and I were so excited, ironically I miscarried on mothers day! That stunk. Our second pregnancy we conceived the day a patient I was close to passed away. I know this because we timmed the treatment for that day since I had ovulated, and that morning on our way to the dr I was called from work with the update. We got pregnant and daddy and I were very cautiously excited. I only told work because I needed to stop hanging chemotherapy, it causes miscarriages and malformations. A few weeks later I started spotting, then cramping, and then we lost you. After that I was mad, livid, I compared myself to everyone, I was so mad at how people treated their kids, I was mad that God took you away from us, I was mad that no matter how hard I tried in life I always seemed to be punished, always, since birth. I was so mad, I yelled at God, I went through phases where I wouldn't talk to him, I told him he was rude and never looked out for me. If his children are his sheep where was he in my life. Missing? Not very many people understood me, most people looked at me with disquest how could I possibly be mad at God, those people usually had perfect lives. I on the other hand was planted in a pile of poop, and miraculously came out an ok flower. I knew God was big enough to handle my anger, hes the one who gave me my emotions. I think it helped my relationship with him. We were able to grow past that time. A year later, a lot of money spent, a long road of procedures, and more hope than ever we got pregnant with you. When we found out we were having twins we felt beyond blessed. We knew your sweet names, we knew what we wanted your nursery to look like, we knew what we wanted to register for, we knew what car seats we wanted. We wanted the best for you both. Gosh we were so very excited. Honestly we were very terrified too. After losing two babies before you I always had a gut feeling something terrible would happen. I had faith, and hope, and I tried harder than ive ever tried at keeping you safe, but in the end my heart was shattered, worse than before. 

We were afraid until 12 weeks, then the risk of miscarriage went down considerably. We didn't even share you with family and friends until we were 15 weeks pregnant. We were so nervous. We contemplated sharing that we were having twins, we were so afraid. Then At 17 weeks we got placed on bed rest, terrified again. Daddy and I cried and cried. 17 weeks was our furthest pregnancy yet. We loved you both so much already and were grief stricken at the thought of losing you. At 18 weeks I was hospitalized, we took medication to stop contractions and discussed a cerclage. We didn't get one, I rack my brain wondering if that might have helped me carry you longer. It kills me. My friend got one with her twin boys and she's 29 weeks now. I know I can't change the past but my heart is broken and I hurt, so why not beat myself up a bit more right? Ugh I was on bed rest for so long. I never complained, I smiled, I was so polite to everyone, the doctors, the nurses, the volunteers, the dietary people. I knew all their names and always thanked them for everything. I thanked daddy endlessly, I thanked visitors, friends who sent cards, texts etc. I stayed as positive as possible, I read a lot, I napped, I only stood to be weighed and to walk to the bathroom. I sat in the shower, and I leaned forward to eat. I did everything possible to help you grow, and then all our hopes, dreams, hard work dismissed. My life a mess, my everything gone. Life can never be the same. I will never have a carefree pregnancy, how can I hope or trust in bed rest ever again? How can I go back to work in a fertility office and answer my patients questions? How will I learn to breathe again? I feel like my chest might explode. 

Most people don't understand the grieving process, most people haven't lost a child, or children. People expect you to grieve and move on. To go out to restaurants with them, to watch a movie, to attend a party, a wedding, a family vacation. I want to die. To crawl into my bed turn the lights off and hibernate forever. I can barely concentrate. I can't watch tv or a movie my mind is empty. I can't work, I'm not ready to think or deal with people. I lost my hope how can I possibly hope for someone else? Parties and weddings freak me out. I have so much anxiety in groups now. Last night at dinner with my parents I needed a time out. It was nice but too much, my chest got tight and I thought I was going to puke. Family vacations also scare me, I can't imagine leaving my house. Every holiday coming up will be salt in my bloody heart reminding me that my babies are gone, that this is the first of many holidays without you.  Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday will ultimately remind me that I'm not thankful that my sweet babies were taken from me, I should still be in the hospital with them. Christmas, my second favorite holiday, will remind me that they should have been home with us. They should have been safe. Ugh holidays will be hard. I don't want to be completely anti social, but do people honestly expect you to move on that quickly? I can't even if I try. 

Today was rough. We went to the funeral home to pick you up. They had you in a beautiful wooden box. They opened it and daddy and I lost it. You ashes we're so small. We know it's what you left on earth but it broke our hearts. We held each other and wept for you. I hated being there, I was suddenly mad, I wanted to leave right then. To bring you home to finally be home with us. On the way home I was more mad, how dare you be gone, why you? Why us? I grew up with heartache, tragic endings, and frequent upsets. I felt like I was the unwanted child, like God purposely punished me, so I wasn't shocked when you were taken. What made me maddder than anything was your inncocent dad. The kindest, most thoughtful person in the world now suffering because of my bad luck! I was so mad, how dare he feel this pain, how dare a person as wonderful as him hurt, have his heart put in a meat processor and be ground. I couldn't protect him. Daddy reassured me that nothing in life deserved this, no one deserved to lose a child or feel this pain, and that we are in it together. 

He's so sweet. See even when I'm all grumpy mad pants he's loving me. He's been a hot stressed mess. He's working on a 50 page packet for the Newport beach fire department, and they ask everything!!! I've been trying to help him, but he gets a bit grumpy and then i cry. We are a true wreck. We just have so much on our plates right now. I guess I'm mad also because this Newport beach background check couldn't have come at a worse time, in the midst of our great sadness. When we should be focusing on you, life, us, grieving, tying our house up were stuck finding daddies life long history. Blah. Just awful. I pray it's worth it, nothing really seems worth it anymore. 

I pray for strength, I pray tomorrow is better than today, I pray for a smidge of hope, and for peace. I love and miss you so much. I wish I could visit you hand hang out with you. 

I love you my sweet Grace & Wyatt

Decisions

Making decisions has always been my biggest weakness. I always have a really hard time doing it. I am always worried its the wrong decision, that I am going to make a big mistake and regret it for the rest of my life. I always beg for help in all of the bigger decisions I make and also sometimes for the small ones too. Sometimes I need help picking what shoes to wear, what shirt, what color to paint my nails, what job to take, school to attend, how to spend my time on days off. I need help. Tonight Daddy and I talked about the decision to say good bye to you. It was the hardest decision either of us have ever had to make. It would be hard enough making it if we were 80 years old, and it was us in your role. If we were only being kept alive by life support, if we were suffering. We know what we wish to happen if that were us in our lives, but you were innocent babies, babies who just entered the world, babies who were supposed to grow up, go to school and touch lives. You certainly touched many lives in your short five days with us. I am still amazed at the graciousness of people from all over the world who prayed for you, Daddy and me. I am in awe at the generous donations we received. The well wishes, the hopefulness. I am grateful everyday for the texts I receive, texts saying we are loved, and in others thoughts, texts that do not require a reply back, texts that simply aim to lift our spirits and calm our pained hearts. We are so blessed. Daddy and I don't regret the decision we made, we just wish we didn't have to make it. No parent should ever lose their child, or in our case children. No parent should ever need to make the decision to discontinue life support or allow their baby to suffer. Never in a million years did I ever think I would need to make that decision. Daddy and I have talked about our own directives and what we would like done if we are ever in a similar situation. We have talked and respect our choices. We didn't get to ask you. We had to decide. We had to make the best decisions for you with the information we had. We had to think of your futures and what you would need. Keeping you here was the easy part. We knew in keeping you here it was selfish, simply for us. We knew you were suffering. My sweet babies we saw how hard you fought to live and we wanted so badly to take your pain away. My sweet Wyatt, after your brain bleed you had seizures, it was so hard to watch your sweet body shake, and posture. I wanted to protect you so badly and there I stood watching you with nothing left to do, but ask that you be kept comfortable. Grace, your poor lungs were not working, your brain was also filled with blood, and you fought all the time. Your heart rate would jump through the roof and we knew you were hurting. We asked that you be comforted also. The choice was so hard. We prayed and we held each other. We leaned on each other for comfort and for support. Thankfully Daddy and I never disagreed in your care. We had everything planned out for you since before your conception. We knew how we hoped to raise you, what schooling we wanted you to have, places we wanted to live with you, we thought all the time about what sports you would like, what your friends would be like, what hobbies you would have. We dreamt of what you would look like, would you have my skin color or daddies, what would your eyes look like...we thought of everything. We have so much stuff for you. Daddy had your room almost done, we had your bed set up, your closet, we had all of your clothes washed ready for you. We have 100+ cloth diapers for you, because we knew we wanted to cloth diaper you. We have strollers, car seats for both my car and Daddy's, a swing, an exersaucer, a glider, you name it we have it. Its so hard watching it all go into boxes. Daddy and I hope one day we will have siblings for you and when we do we plan to tell them all about you, how wonderful and lovely you were, how you wanted to share all of your things with them because you loved them so much. I know they will feel very special. Daddy and I packed up most of your stuff, we are labeling the boxes with your names "Grace" and "Wyatt". We miss you so much. We can't believe this. We both feel weird at home. Although our house was never filled with you running around, it was filled with the excitement and hope of bringing you home one day. Those dreams are shattered and we are left in a house filled with lost dreams. We all seem to mope around with no direction or cause. We walk into rooms forgetting what we wanted. I stayed in my bedroom 90% of the day today. I couldn't leave. I slept and slept. I held your dolls and rested. Daddy brought me lunch into the bed, and fresh water, he didn't force me to get up or move around, he simply held me and wept with me. Thank goodness for canned food. I was able to make tomato soup and quesadillas for dinner. Anything more would have been too overwhelming and we would have refused dinner. Fruit popsicles seem to be the one thing we enjoy eating. We usually have about two daily. 

blah I hate making decisions. I am trying to decide now where to work when I decide to go back to work. I feel like my drive is gone, my balloon deflated. I have no air to do anything. I need to though, I need to work to survive, I just am not ready to. I am praying for God to open doors and opportunities for me. For us as a family. God is doing amazing things in our lives. Its hard to think about a future when our present is so dark and so gloomy, but I have to hope that this life will get better. I need to hope to move forward. Daddy and I love you both more than anything in the world. 

we miss you so much. 

 here I am forcing a smile for Daddy, Harvey definitely senses something is wrong. He is very clingy and looks so sad:(

Your Daddy

Your daddy is the best man I have ever met. He's the most honest, genuine person I have ever met. He is compassionate, giving, thoughtful, thankful, loving, forgiving, and strong. He's better than the best. I can't imagine my life without him in it. I can't stand being away from him, especially now. I get anxious when he leaves or isn't within eye sight. Harvey is very much the same way right now. He has been following us everywhere lately. He even took a shower with daddy last night because he didn't want to be away from him. He sleeps with us again, and when I get up for water or to potty he comes too. It's reassuring for us both. He's afraid of being left and so are we. He didn't eat for two whole days. It made me really sad, but tonight he ate dinner with daddy and me. Erika a wonderful friend of mine brought us dinner. She made her famous eggplant Parmesan and a beautiful salad filled with colorful veggies! It was so good. Today daddy and I were moping around the house not doing much of anything. It's been so hard to focus. I'll walk downstairs for water then return empty handed. My mind is so overwhelmed with emotions I can't think at all. Daddy mentioned that we should eat, we hadn't eaten in a while. I agreed, we looked at each other. We still haven't left our house to get groceries so our options are very limited. Aside from that we have no will to eat, nothing sounds good. We could look at a million options and still want none. 

I'm pretty certain I'm depressed. I'm not sure how quickly depression can come on, but from a nursing stand point I feel that way. I have no joy in anything, no desire to return to work, don't want to eat, I'm tired but have anxiety sleeping. I wake up often crying, afraid at home. I'm terrified of the dark, I can't be in a room with out daddy for more than 10 minutes. Daddy has been right by my side. I'm not sure if he has the same feelings as I am having. He said he's emotionally spent. He said he can't leave me alone so he politely makes me go anywhere he goes with him. We went to michaels today to buy supplies for your invitations for your celebration of life. We have been thinking about it and planning it. We are so excited to share your story with our loved ones. So many people were unable to know you and we can't wait to introduce you to them. We want to also thank everyone for their support, generosity and amazing prayers. Although the prayers didn't allow you to stay in our lives on earth, they allowed daddy and I the opportunity to share 5 days with you! To have the reassurance of you being pain free and in a better place. 

I'm so sad still, I'm not sure when this pain will ease, when I will smile genuinely rather than forced and fake. I wonder when I will have hope. I wonder when daddy and I will have siblings for you, I wonder if we ever will. If we will find someone special to help us. There are so many thoughts that go through our minds, so many sadnesses, so many lost hopes and dreams. We would be almost 27 weeks today. It's been exactly one week since your delivery. The best day of my entire life. It's amazing how quickly the best day and the worst day can be so close. How you can have everything in the world and have it all taken from you in a matter of seconds. Learn to love every second alive. Learn to be too polite to others because you don't know what their story is or their day was like. Learn to live fully with no regrets. Learn to be your best self so that you can be in heaven too. This is what I'm focusing on right now. I want to be better so I can be with you. 

Today daddy was beyond brave. He went to NB to fill out paperwork and meet an HR lady. He was in a group of other potential hires. The lady noticed your bands on his wrists. We still haven had the heart to remove them. She asked if he was ok? Was he in the hospital and daddy said no, my wife was for a really long time. She asked if I was ok and he said I was ok. Ok meaning not good not terrible. He told her I was there having our twins. She happily congratulated him as did the other guys in the group. They took their seats and were asked to tell the room a little about themselves. When it was daddy's turn he spoke of himself, where he was born, what he's doing in life and he shared you!! He told the room that there was more to the bands than what was shared. Daddy spoke of your birth one week ago, and of your passing this last Sunday. There wasn't a dry eye in the room. Your daddy was brave beyond words. He loves you so much he wants to share you and your story. He takes pride in being your daddy. He is the best husband ever. He is the best Harvey's dad ever. He is so very loving and gentle with him. When harvey is naughty and runs into the street daddy takes him by the collar and scolds him, he's never mean, he never hits him. He lovingly takes his face in his hands and says no, no you need to listen to daddy. I'm amazed at how calm and wonderful he is. He is my dream come true. I wish I could have made him a daddy to you on earth. Heaven seems so far away. I cried a lot today, its been a struggle for me. Daddy has been so gentle and loving with me. He holds me for what feels like forever and allows me to open my heart to him. He rubs my hair and holds me, he is so gentle and so protective of me. I love him so much and pray to one day have a family on earth with him. I miss you more than words could ever convey. Your names were perfect. I can't think of more perfect babies. I love to look at your pictures. I think you are both so beautiful, beautiful beyond words, Grace you had the most beautiful brown hair. It looked wavy like mine. You also had my olive complexion. You had a very petite body, you would have been a lot like your mommy. Jeanne your Godmother was so excited to braid your sweet hair. GGGwen couldnt wait to love you and shower you with girlie gifts. Your uncles were so excited to hold you. Wyatt you were amazingly beautiful. Your hair was light like daddy's, your complexion also fair like his. You had big hands, and daddy was so excited to play sports with you. We were so excited to love you, nurture you and watch you grow into amazing people. I wish I could change what happened. I long to be pregnant in the hospital still. It hurts to believe my reality, it's hard to believe this is my life. I would never wish this on anyone else ever. I would never want another person to feel this pain. The hurt is unbearable. It feels like life will never be the same and it won't. We lost a huge part of who we were and what we hoped to be. Daddy and I wanted to be your parents for so long. We lost two babies before you, we tried and tried, we were blessed with a successful ivf round, I wish my body would have held you. Gosh how I loved watching you grow. I loved feeling you move. I loved hearing your beautiful hearts beating. I longed to know you. To bring you home. To our house full of your things. I imagined all the things we would do, trips we would take, hikes, family walks. Life is so very different now. Daddy and I were talking about your one week birthday. It was today. We agreed that although it was a really hard week we would go back in a heartbeat to be with you again. To see your faces, to touch you. We miss you so much. You were a huge part of who we are and will be forever. I'm so sad for daddy. He is too good a person to have to endure this type of pain and loss. I wish somehow I could protect him from what happened. To heal his heart and spirit. 

I pray you visit us and continue to give us the strength to live. The strength to wake up each day and function. The strength to be good parents to Harvey. The strength to be loving people who treat others with respect and love. I pray I feel you with me and around me. I love you more than anything and miss you. 

I love you forever my sweet angels. I pray Papa is taking the best care of you in heaven. Please bless daddy and me and keep our bond strong. 

Mommy

It hurts so badly

I can't begin to describe the pain I feel. My heart feels like a sledge hammer crushed it, then poured cement all over it. It's heavy and hurts. My pain courses through me. It's not only emotional pain it's physical pain. Everything that surrounds me reminds me of you and the lives we dreamed of having with you. My breasts full of milk for you cause me physical pain and pain to look at. They cause me to question  things, to hope for others and to be thankful that my body did work correctly in One area of this pregnancy. My incision from our c-section hurts deeply. When i cough, go potty, walk, move it hurts. When I breathe it hurts and I often find myself holding my breath until I feel faint. I have moments of peace, moments of happiness, and then the next second im crumpled in a ball weeping for you, yelling, begging, wishing. I miss you more than I ever thought possible. I look at your pictures constantly. I can't put them down. I carry your scent dolls everywhere, I smell and kiss them all the time. I need them with me, you with me, us together. I wish so badly that this was a terrible nightmare. I so want to wake up and be pregnant with you. I want to see my big stomach growing, my weight increasing! I so badly want to know you are safe and coming home with me. I don't want to be selfish, I know you are in heaven and I know you are surrounded by family and friends. I know papa is with you and that brings me joy and happiness, but I am selfish and long for you to be here with daddy and me. I want to touch you, to talk to you, to bring you home to love. Daddy and I long so badly to have a family, to have you as our babies to love, teach, protect and enjoy. I am angry and sad that this happened. Life is so unfair at times. It breaks my heart at how much one endures. How much can I go through in one life time and still manage to be standing erect on two feet? I have no clue. Maybe it's you giving me strength. Daddy and I had a good night, we cried, but felt peaceful in our tears. We have so many packages at home, so many gifts daddy and I purchased for you, friends and family gave you. We had your room almost completed. We were so eager to have you and bring you home. I even made monogram thank you notes for you. Everything here reminds me of you. I want to be with you so badly. Daddy really wanted to go through all of your stuff. To open packages and organize your things. Daddy loved doing it, he felt you with him and said he thinks you are happy to see how much you had and are excited to share all of it one day. He said you gave him strength to look at it all. Daddy was stronger than I was tonight. I couldn't bare looking at your clothes, your shoes, your books, your car seats. They all broke my heart. You will never use them. Daddy said you don't need them in heaven and one day you might have a sibling who will love them. He said he will tell them all about you both and how you shared your things with them. Talk about wanting to melt into the floor and vanish! This is so hard! 

I've have a few panic attacks since leaving the hospital. It's so scary being home. I freaked out at bedtime last night. Daddy turned the lights off and I panicked. After being in the hospital so long I had become accustomed to lights on always, noise, and assurance of people checking on me. Now I was home, our home which was now a foreign place for me, in a bed I wasn't used to, one that was high and hard to get into after surgery. It was dark and so quiet. I cried and cried, also I wept for you, for the emotionally draining exhausting day, for the shock of everything that was happening. Shock. Then this am daddy wanted to meet his family for breakfast. I didn't want to. I longed to stay in bed all day with your dolls and sleep. I am so tired and sad the last thing I wanted was to leave. Daddy wouldn't leave without me and said it ment a lot to him to go. He begged and said he couldn't leave my side. Next panic attack clothes!! Picking an outfit out! Simple right?! No not after having them picked for for me day after day in the hospital. I had to pick what to wear, and it was maternity variety only! Ugh!!! Another reminder of you not in my tummy. Third attack: being in public! There are so many people outside, they yell, drive fast, smoke and push past you to get somewhere important. Babies, children and pregnant mommies everywhere. Another attack. Pain from walking, sitting, standing I hurt so badly I could barely sit. We picked up my pain medication and headed home. Id had enough for my first day home. A highlight was picking Harvey up. He is so sweet. It's like he knows, he didn't jump on me, was very gentle. He came home and smelt everything. I felt bad for him. I wish I could have cleaned it all for him. I hope he's not confused. I think animals can see spirits, maybe he sees you if you visit?! He would have been so great with you two! Gosh this is hard. 

We are so very grateful for the gift of knowing you both. although we only knew you for 5 days it was amazing. I'm sorry you struggled and suffered so much. I pray you didn't have pain. I'm sorry if I prolonged any suffering. I was so hopeful, we did everything we could do for you. From conception until now. The injections daily until 20 weeks, the bed rest for 9weeks, everything was completely worth it. I just longed for a different outcome. Your time with us taught daddy and me so much. We met so many amazing people, life long friends. Doctors who treat by compassion not science only, nurses, respiratory therapists, social workers, chaplains. Family and friends. We are loved and supported by so many. We have people all over the world praying for you and for us. Strangers donating time in prayer, money, bringing us meals. It's incredible to see. It brings me hope and helps me know that people love us. 

Sunday you left us peacefully. We got to spend time holding, kissing, and touching you both. It was the best thing in the whole world. You were perfect! Beautiful beyond words. You were so sweet and loving. Grace you held your big brother Wyatt's hand and didn't let go, you passed in eachothers arms and in ours. We all slept together for a bit. Daddy curled around me, mommy curled around you, Grace you curled into Wyatt. That was the best nap I will ever take. To feel you breathe, to smell your sweet scent. I took a nap with God's Angels! What a huge gift that was. It is so hard for me to imagine life here without you. I feel like I will wake up and still have you growing safe inside my belly. I am in shock and denial. I felt guilty for a long time, I yelled I screamed I beat myself up, but daddy loved me and reminded me we did every single thing possible for you. I have so many "I wishes" or why didn't I demand this drug, was I not a good enough advocate for us... Etc those thoughts flooded my mind. Those thoughts won't bring you back, they won't change a thing and they will kill me and my spirit if I allow them to live in me. I can't promise I will be strong always, I am forever changed. I can promise that daddy and I will never forget you. We have so many things planned to honor you and your time here. You did in 5 days what some are not able to do in a lifetime. You touched and changed many lives, you changed us for the better. By knowing you we met so many amazing wonderful people, our amazing nurses and Doctors, our respiratory therapists, social workers, chaplains, we have made life long friends. We were amazed and overwhelmed by the comfort and generosity of not only friends and family but of complete strangers who we don't even know. We are blessed beyond words, our thanks can never be enough for what has and continues to be done for us. Dr Patel and many of our nurses call us or text us daily to say we are in their thoughts and prayers. Friends are checking on us , supporting us and cheering us forward. You Angels and God give us the courage to get out of bed, to try living another day without you. 

We feel your presence with us, we hear you in songs on the radio, we see you in the warm sunshine, the blue sky, the stars, I see you in the park, in myself. I love feeling your presence with me. I pray it never leaves me. Tonight daddy and I were looking at our pictures of you and daddy said gosh Grace looks so much like you. It made me so happy. I love you both and wish I could have watched you grow. So many dreams shattered, paths changed, hopes crushed. Tonight I couldn't stop looking at daddy. I longed to be with him and he was sitting right by me. I wanted to sit on his lap and pour myself into his body. To be with him closer than ever. I couldn't take my eyes off him. I was mesmerized by him. By his deep love for you both. For his concern over me, for his tender love during this time. I love everything about him, the things that used to irritate me I now loved. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I loved and longed for him. After dinner daddy and I looked up at the sky, the stars and held each other. We kissed so passionately, so meaningfully, so full of love. Searching for one another's soft lips and holding the kiss gently but at the same time fiercely. Your daddy is amazing. He is the best man I have ever met in the world, in my entire life. I love him more than anything and pray we can continue to support and love each other through this. I couldn't have asked for a better husband in my life. He has been so loving and supportive, so caring always, especially on bed rest and after you were born and passed. He gives me so much peace, strength and hope. I just love him.

Daddy and I were talking today about how your lives have put everything into perspective. What really matters and what doesn't. Daddy and I discussed how life can never be darker than it is right now in this moment, how nothing else seems as severe or bad to us. If we lost everything, our home, cars, jobs, money it wouldn't matter. We would pick you over anything we have. We don't care about earthly things anymore. We were concerned with work, money and so many other things that we now view as so silly. None of those things are important to us anymore. We need food and water to survive but without the will to move forward in life these vital necessities don't do a thing. Daddy and I are in a position that not everyone has the opportunity to be in. We have two paths we can take right now. One is the path of complete distruction where we beat ourselves down, tear at each other and go into complete darkness and never recover. Our second path is that of complete positivity. The power to live life in the most powerful way possible. To allow ourselves to embrace the love in life, to view the positive things that surround them and learn to have joy again. I pray that is the path we take. I feel like we're at the start line of our second option, the path to positivity. I know together daddy and I can encourage each other to walk bravely down that path. With each other we can slowly start embracing the gifts and joys in life, in other people and in our great sorrow. Something to push for and be hopeful of.

It's taken me three days to complete this blog, I have been so emotionally and physically drained. Today pastor Phil came to pray with us. He has such a positive loving energy about him. He filled our house with love. He listened to our stories, smiled with us, cried with us and hoped with us. He prayed for you both, for us and for our future in starting a family. It was so peaceful and refreshing. He said he sensed a huge amount of love for one another, and a peaceful grace about us that he could only attribute to God and your presence around us. He said it was powerful and amazing to see how strong we were for each other. So many people have commented and commended us for our strength and love. People tell us that they wouldn't be able to make the decisions we made, to live afterwards, or to be graceful after this type of tragedy. It gives us even more hope and strength to hear people encourage us emotionally, and tell us we are doing as best we can. It was nice talking about ways to cope and grieve. Daddy and I are going to start seeing a counselor. We need support there. We have one in mind, Phil told us about. He also lost a baby, so he can relate to what we are experiencing. We also plan to do a walk to remember, its October 6th in Tustin at the district. We are going to put your names on the list and make it a yearly tradition, a walk to remember you, our sweet living angels. The walk is for survivors of infant loss, or parents who lost their babies to SIDS. We have many doctors and nurses who are eager to do it with us.

We also have been thinking about your celebration of life party!! We are so excited to share your life. We went to the funeral home today, and it was hard, but we made it! We signed so many papers, I never imagined doing that. Sitting in a funeral home, planning your cremations. It was awful. We hope to pick you up this week. Dr Patel called the funeral home yesterday to help set everything up so it was a smooth process for daddy and I. He has been so supportive and wonderful to us. We text daily. Through you two we made many life long friends! 

I love you more than words can ever say. More than oxygen I love you more. More than a word could ever say, more than a song could ever convey, I love you more than everything. Babies I love you more... I pray you know how much mommy and daddy love you. So many friends and family on earth are thinking of you my angels. I pray your having a blast in heaven and that you are so happy. I long for the day I get to meet you again, to hold you and learn all about you!! 

Until then I will always hold you in my heart. I love you both so very much. 

Mommy

Day 55 quick update need prayers

Hello My sweet string babies,
We started this morning very early with a lot of emotions. The dr came in about 3:20 to update us on you both. Grace you have been very good trying to let the nurses, doctors an respiratory therapists concentrate on your brother. Wyatt has had a hard time. He was having trouble breathing last night but when daddy and I were here he was more stable. When we left he started acting up again. They had to bag respirate you Wyatt. That's a lot of stress on your little body. The dr also informed us that you had a major bleed. We are not yet sure where, the brain is the most common. She asked us to consent to a blood transfusion and of course we did. The plan is to give you blood, then do an ultrasound in the early am to see where the bleed is. We cried an prayed right then and there for you both. We are so sorry you are going through this. It breaks my heart to see daddy so emotionally distraught. It hurts me to know you are so critical. It hurts to think of the what ifs so I don't. I am trying to focus on you now, on prayin and being thankful, on cheering you on every second. Wyatt you are holding daddy's finger right now and seem to love it. We just found out you are A- blood type. Mommy is A+ and daddy is O- a very special blood type. Daddy can share his blood with anyone. Daddy an mommy donate blood a lot. We love to help others when we can.

Well my sweet babies I alerted our prayer warriors and asked for extra prayers to be said in your names. Mommy and daddy prayed over you both as doin as we got to the nicu. We love you both so very much and are so hopeful. We know this road has been very hard since before conception, we have been prepped for strength, this strength is different than any strength we have needed before. This strength is for you both. We are told daily not to get too excited, or too disappointed. We have heard horrible sad stories but have also seen and heard miracle stories. We choose to believe in miracles, the power of prayer and faith. Daddy and I are always alway here cheering you both on. We believ in you and know you can do this with us beside you, eachother, family and friends and Gods love. I love you my sweet babies

Day 54 Big Surprises!!

Hi my sweet sweet babies,
What an incredible journey this has been. You surprised mommy and daddy and entered this world Wednesday September 12th at 12:55 Wyatt, and 12:56 Grace. Daddy was there for the whole thing which was amazing! It was a crazy emotional day. It started with contractions Tuesday night, we were having them about every 2-3minutes. The drs gave us our medication early and I got ready for bed. Daddy couldn't stay the night since we had a roommate which was sad:( daddy took your big brother Harvey to the park to play. I didn't feel well when I woke up, I felt nauseated and had some mild cramping low down. We were contracting but they were not painful. I went to see Connie dr tooheys ultrasound tech. We saw how big you were, you both looked beautiful. We didn't check my cervix again we just looked at you. Once I left I was very excited at how good you looked, you both had more than 3cc of Fluid surrounding you and looked to be growing well. We came back to our room and I gave Megan our roommate the update. I texed daddy your sizes and the news on how you were, then we started having a lot of contractions!! Donna from L&D came up to monitor us and we were contracting every minute, she ran to get the dr. Dr sue was on and she came to check me. She said well, your 100% effaced and 4-5cm dilated. We need to deliver now. I burst into tears and shook uncontrollably. They said to call daddy which I did immediately. Daddy really helped calm me down on the phone. He said he would drop Harvey of and head straight over. He told me I was so strong and beautiful and that we could do this. He said God was with us ad knew exactly what was happening. I cried and cried. I was beyond terrified! 25+5 is too early! I wanted you to stay inside I begged for mag sulfate again, nurses pushe me through the halls on my bed to a delivery room, I had an iv in within within minutes, a sister came and prayed for us, then the dr and anesthesiologist came to talk to me. It was just too much for me at the time I was sobbing and couldnt stop. I was so afraid. I covered my face with my gown and tried hiding, it felt like a nightmare and I wanted to wake up and get out of it. a few minutes later the second dr came in and asked if we were ready. We were trying to wait for daddy. luckily just as they were taking my to the or daddy came running in. They handed him some clothes and told him to change and meet them in the or. they took me back and started my spinal block. it wasn't terrible, I think what made it worse was that I was shaking all over. I was in complete shock and couldn't control the shaking. Carol our second nurse held my shoulders and had me rest my head on her shoulder, the anesthesiologist was great. Dr. Orozco. he explained each step to me and reassured me that we were doing great and had an amazing team. Mommy had two nurses for just me, then we had two drs. Dr. Sue and Dr Cortez, they were both working on my c-section, then Daddy was holding my hand and talking me through everything. The Dr. Orozco kept updating me since I couldn't see anything. Dr. Patel the neonatologist was there as well as Dr.Hicks. we felt so blessed that they were both on, we feel very comfortable with them both. Each of you had your own dr, nurse and respiratory therapist to take care of you. The c-section felt so weird. I could feel every tug, pull, poke etc. It was weird, and the worst thing was that I could smell the burning flesh. So weird. I kept telling daddy this is so crazy, this is weird, he just kept reassuring me that we were doing great. He got to see you both and said you were so beautiful. They intubated you both shortly after you were born. Wyatt, you were 1 pound, 12oz 13inches long, and my Grace you were 1lb 4oz and 12 inches long. They took you straight to the NICU. Daddy got to say goodbye but it would be hours before I got to officially meet you both. After they finished stitching me up they rolled us into recovery, I started feeling itchy and nauseated, my normal after surgery. I want allowed to eat or drink at all. Dr. Patel came to update us and tell Daddy that he could visit you. Daddy was really excited he got to see you both. He took a lot of pictures of you both. He was so eager to show me the pictures of you both. The pictures made you look so big. I was soon transferred upstairs to our room where we will stay until we go home this weekend. I was exhausted but so eager to see you. Our nurse said no, that I needed to wait until night shift to see you, that I needed to drink a little and be able to sit up. I was so eager, unfortunately I was really nauseated and boy did it hurt badly when I threw up. My poor belly felt like it was going to tear open. The worst was when they came in to do a massage on my belly to check for my uterus. It hurt so much, but I knew they needed to do it. I talked my nurse into letting me visit. We got zofran to help with nausea and I also pumped 5cc of colostrum for you!! I was so excited, Good job boobies!!! Daddy wheeled me over and I met you. Instant love, and fear overwhelmed my body. YOU ARE SO SMALL!!! Grace your feet are the size of gummie bears, and daddy can fit his wedding band around your hand and wrist. It really scared me, I mean I knew you were small but I didn't think you were that small. Wyatt you looked so much bigger than Grace. Its amazing what those few oz do for you. I talked to you both and held both of your hands. It made my night. I also took dolls and placed them in my shirt for you so you could have my scent. we got two for each of you, so we both always have one with us, I exchange them every time I see you. I love smelling you and I hope you find comfort smelling me.  Before bed Dr. Patel came to our room and updated us. We really like him. He told us that you were both having blood pressure issues and needed dopamine to help stabilize it.  Wyatt you also had hyperglycemia which is sometimes caused by the stress of being a preemie and also they tried to place a picc line in you without success and sometimes that causes stress and the bodies response is to have a high blood sugar.You both also had low white blood cell counts so they were worried about infection.I went to bed freaked out to say the least. Yesterday I was so exhausted the day was surreal and I was so overwhelmed and emotional. We came up around midnight and got ready for bed, I couldn't sleep because I was just so overworked and emotional. Daddy slept soundly though. I got up at 3 and pumped again, then at 7. I want to do everything and anything possible to help you. We went to visit you and Dr. Hicks allowed us to give you some colostrum. It was amazing. Daddy got to feed you Grace and I got to feed you Wyatt. You both LOVED it. you licked it all up. It was so sweet. We had to leave at 7 for change of shift, and when we came back Wyatt you were having a hard time breathing.They were doing a chest x-ray and checking your tube. It was really scary. Daddy couldn't stand the sight and had to take a few minutes away from us. Eventually you settled down and were able to breathe better, but it was very emotional to watch. Grace you are still struggling to breathe, each breath looks like so much work. We are so sad watching you go through so much. I so wish I had a stronger body and was able to carry you both longer, but I need to believe that God has a plan for us and I need to trust in him and that plan. Today, aside form the breathing issues you both have, Wyatt your hyperglycemia has resolved, and you both have good blood pressures. You are both working very hard to breathe. Today our prayer is for your lungs, for your sweet brains to be protected, and for your tummies. We are praying and thinking of you always. I love you so much and am so proud of you and your strong spirits. You have so many people praying and hoping for you. I prayed over both of you tonight before I left. I hope you know how much mommy and daddy love you. Auntie Erika stopped by today and dropped off some special tea for mommy. It helps with milk production. I was asleep so I didn't get to visit with her. she left me a sweet note though. So sweet and thoughtful of her to let me sleep. I am constantly amazed and so filled with joy. We have angels all around us. This experience while very emotional and hard has shown me that goodness exists in this world still. Auntie Kelly is working on a project for us, I was so emotionally grateful when she talked to me about it. Its amazing what people are doing for us all around the world. We are a blessed family. On our way to seeing you tonight I decided that I would try walking as far as possible. Daddy had the wheelchair just in case I got tired. I made it to the NICU and back. It hurt really really bad but I passed some gas and got more movement in. After being on bed rest for 2 months moving is hard not to mention my c-section. We are strong though. On our way down we said hi to our L&D nurses, gave them hugs and thanked them for everything again. They are so sweet. They have been visiting you since the NICU is right there. They told us that Megan was on mag again and not doing great. I asked to pray for her. They took Daddy and I into her room. She was so happy to see us. I asked if we could pray for her and her family and she agreed. It was so nice to be able to pray over her and also answer all of her questions and help to ease some of the fears she had. I am praying she is able to hold Mila inside her belly longer. She said Mila was excited to meet her friends. I helped encourage her and told her that she was strong and could do this. I am praying also tonight that God is with them and protects them, and if its in his will for Mila to be born tonight that he protects her and helps to keep her safe. I also pray for a safe delivery for Megan and a speedy recovery. I am so grateful for all of the relationships we have made here at St. Jude. What a huge blessing. God has a plan through all of this. I just need to trust. In a few weeks depending on how you are doing they will allow grandparents to visit. They allow one grandparent at a time with mommy or daddy only. The nicu is pretty strict about visitors which I really like. It keeps you safe. I need to remind myself that while people are excited to see you, you are still young and cannot handle much stimulation, if you were still in my belly no one would see you right now. People have the rest of your lives to see you and thank goodness here they have webcams. We were able to share that information with family and friends now, so they can see you and send you love that way. So many people are praying and sending positive vibes your way. Sleep well and stay safe. Your nurses are beyond amazing and we are so grateful for them, the doctors and respiratory therapists. My team is amazing also. Leah our night nurse has been amazing and helped mommy get more colostrum for you and really encouraged my movement. She was really happy and proud of us!!! 

Mommy and Daddy love you

Pictures will be posted soon. Sleep now.. love you

Day 52 baby crabs/gifts/thanks

Happy tuesday!!! 
We made it another day! Thank the lord. We are 25+4 today;) baby steps. Daddy and I woke up early. It was funny the night charge came in and said it was super busy still, daddy said to let him know if they needed him to move his stuff and she said oh no, we moved you here so you could rest your not getting a roommate. We were like ok great because moving stuff is hard. She said I won't let it happen over my dead body! Well her dead body got moved at 7am. We were woken up and told we had a roommate, and she was in the hall ready to come in right then. We roomed again with Megan who we shared a room with downstairs. She's sweet so we didn't mind. Daddy helped shuffle things around to help get her set up and comfortable, then he went home to walk Harvey, and mail some things. He also will pick up some packages for you!!! Your getting a lot of mail lately;) so fun!!! 

Last night as I was trying to settle down for bed you were both moving a lot. I had movements by my ribs and tummy and a lot really really low by my underwear line. I'm glad your kead down Luke because if you were food or hand down I know you would be waving at me! I told daddy it was such an odd feeling, so hard to explain, and then I hit it on the nose. I remember one vacation years and years ago katie was only 2 or 3 at the time so I must have been around 7. We lived in Washington state. We went to a cabin in the woods by a beach, I can't remember when. It's one family vacation with my mom that I actually remember having fun on for the most part. We played monopoly and I would cry because I was out of money but really I'd have stacks of 100 dollar bills haha. Anyway small side track... I remember going to the beach and digging in the sand. There were small baby crabs everywhere, they didn't hurt to touch because they were so little. I remember picking one up, trying to be brave but of course I was afraid of the unknown. I cupped it in my hands. That's exactly what you feel like to me. Little tickle movements and then big scratches, jabs, kicks, crawling feelings. You feel like baby crabs moving on my inside!!! Haha I eagerly told daddy what I thought and he really like that explanation. I do too:) it makes me smile thinking of you. 

Today we found out that they sell weekly and monthly parking passes. Thank the lord!!daddy has been paying for parking daily and it's been $5.00 a day. Not break the bank expensive but it adds up non the less. We also got our first hospital bill, we are very blessed to have such amazing insurance. We were able to pay a large portion of the bill, once we get more financial assistance we will pay more. Little by little. Luckily our insurance should cover the rest @ 100%. 

Last night while I was trying to settle down for bed I was praying and thanking papa for everything he has provided us with. I'll share that prayer with you...

Papa thank you so much for today, we are so thankful to have made it another day. To be blessed to be pregnant still. I can't believe it, can you?  I am so excited!! I know You know the ultimate plan, you know how long we will be pregnant, you know about our delivery and you know about the babies. But I'm so excited I wanted to tell you again. I'm so grateful for all the gifts you have provided us with, for matt my wonderful husband, I thank you for loving him and providing him with the strength to care for me. I thank you that he is such a gentle, compassionate loving husband. He is so fun to be around, he makes me smile almost always, he has such a positive out look on things, and his strength refreshes me. I pray that you bless him hugely papa, bless him in his life with us, bless him as a father, I pray that you would continue to soften and fill his heart with joy. I pray that he will be a dad you are proud of, one that our precious babies will feel safe with and loved always by. I pray that you would bless him hugely in his life looking for work. He has worked so long and so hard at becoming a firefighter and then paramedic I pray that you would reward him for his hard work and greatness. I thank you papa for all the friends and family who have helped support us on this journey. I thank you for being such an awesome and loving God that people on earth want to pray to you about us. I pray that you would bless them all and bring them peace and happiness in their lives. I thank you that they share their time talking to you about us and our babies. I thank you for all the friends and family who have devoted their time to help make this road less bumpy, I thank you for Matt's parents for taking Harvey. We love Harvey so much and know this would be so much harder with out him being loved during this time. I thank you for my family who calls and texts, and who will be here to visit me as soon as drs allow me to have more visits. I thank you for my wonderful friends who send me uplifting messages, phone calls, and who share their time visiting. We have been so very blessed through all of this. I thank you for helping me to be humble and thankful for each gift you have filled our lives with from my relationship with matt, to our wonderful drs and nurses to our family and friends, to being pregnant and the amazing gift of getting to be a mommy. I can't thank you enough. Thank you for all you do. I love you.

That was the prayer I prayed last night. I am so thankful for you both and to be your mommy. We love you so much and are so excited to have you in our family. Daddy and i we're talking about how cool it is that we both grew up, left our families and started our own family. It's amazing how it happens and how you joining our little family of two will make us a family of 4!!! That's so neat. We are both very excited that we get to be your parents. 

I'm praying for you both everyday! I pray you continue to grow strong and stay healthy. We get weighed today!!! Fingers crossed. I love you sweet angels!!

Day 51 moving day

Hi cutie pies!!
I'm listening to your sweet hearts galloping away as I type. Today was a busy day for us, we got moved again! Haha at 6:30 this am we got a roommate, L&D is swamped with pregnant ladies!!! A very exciting thing for sure. Our dr, dr gray was on and he said that since I was doing so well knock on wood he wanted to move us up to help us stay in a private room. He said as little stimulation as possible and having a roommate is not minimal stimulation. Also a private room ensures daddy has a bed. We need to take care of our daddy because he does an amazing job taking care of us. 

We moved back to our old room, I'm praying we get to stay here for a very long time . I'm still having regular contractions but that seems to be our normal, so as long as they don't hurt, and progress we are ok. We get to see dr Toohey this week for our growth scan I hope you are both Growing strong!! I also have my weekly weigh In tomorrow. Fingers crossed we gained some weight back;) the dietician came in to see us today to make sure we were getting enough calories and liked the selections. To be honest it's hard to like the same items everyday for 5 straight weeks. Especially when we don't eat the meat or fish here, there are very few vegetarian options here:/ we have been trying our hardest though and daddy has been bringing food In that he thinks will help. I love Greek yogurt and while they have it here it's yoplait brand do its very sweet. They also only have strawberry and vanilla do I'm really over those. I try getting cottage cheese and mixing it with the yogurt but it's hard to eat daily. Blah. Mostly we eat a lot of fruit and veggies, pretty much for every meal and snack. I get peanut butter and crackers and string cheese and apple sauce and peanut butter and jelly before bed. Lots of snacks!! Daddy got us chipotle today! It was very yummy and so fresh! He also got us protein shakes and Greek yogurt!! I like the fage brand it has a variety of favors an we can control the sweetness by adding as much or little of fruit as we want. I also like to put a handful of raw almonds in it to get extra protein. The dietician agreed to allow me to order from the employee menu full time now! I'm excited it will offer a large variety!! I'm excited on Wednesday they have egg drop soup and veggie sloppy joes!! So good! I'll tell you how it is. 

Our tummy exploded even more today!! I LOVE it;) it's funny how one day it just expands. Daddy said oh my your tummy grew a lot today and it did, then Jen came in to monitor us and said wow your tummy is huge today;) it makes me smile thinking of you two expanding and takin up room. Take as much as you can!! I love feeling you move, kick, wiggle, hiccup. I love it all it's the best feeling ever! 

We are almost done with the day! 25+3 is nearing its end and then we will be 25+4!!! I am so excited;) today we got to talk to Amanda and anaya. I love those girls they are so excited about you two! Anaya plans to baby sit you when she gets bigger, she's 4 now, and just a pistol! Love her! There are going to visit us closer to 28 weeks. Stay in my belly util then and longer! Let's see how long we can go shall we? Like a game! Daddy and I took bets, hopeful bets but we are trying to stay positive and hopeful bets give us hope!!! We will see who wins. 

If everything stays stable this week your Grandma Jeanne and GG GWen will come to visit us on Saturday! They said rules are made to be broken and its been way too long without me! Its true its been weeks!!! Since out shower:( i miss them. I miss your uncles too, they will go swimming at lauras house with our cousin samuel while we have an intimate visit. They are so excited to meet you!! Then Sunday Jen is planning on coming out. They are only allowing us to have limited visitors, I understand why. Even when I say I'm ok it's hard relaxing fully with visitors. I'm so used to independence, moving around, being a good hostess etc. it's hard to stay flat in bed and visit. Once we hit larger mile stones they might allow more visitors daily, but for now daddy's being very strict with visits. We are very gracious for all of the visits, cards , texts, emails and phone calls, we just need to make sure we take care of us 4 right now. Thank you all for being such wonderful family and friends an being so excited to help and visit! We love you all and know when things calm down we will get to share time together. 

Well my sweet little ones. Daddy and I are going to play scatagories, I always beat him at that game;) finally something I'm better at. Heehee then we are going to maybe watch a movie together. We both love you so very much!! I pray you stay safe and grow strong. 

Love mommy

Day 50 shower day!!

Hi sweet loves,
you are moving around a lot right now in my belly. i just ate some dinner and i think you liked it. we had a black bean burger wrapped in lettuce with tomatoes and onions. im pretty tired of the hospital food you can imagine. yuck!!! jenny dropped a salad off today and gave us a kiss then left. it was good to see her. we aren't having visitors until next week and its hard being away from family and friends. we are doing a really good job staying positive and hopeful though. 

today we got to take a shower! it is so nice to sit in the shower and have the warm water run over my body. i want to stay in it for ever but drill sergeant daddy always says ok that's long enough. haha he only wants us flat. he helps me rub oil on my legs and back so i don't have to bend down or turn, i do our tummy and arms. my hair is growing a lot. ill try to post some pictures for you!

Today we are 25+2 days!!! moving closer and closer to our goal. we can do it sweet peas. this week we will see dr toohey for a growth scan to see how big you are getting. i hope you are both 2lbs or bigger! that would make me the happiest momma ever! it will be nice that daddy will get to go to our appointment this week also, he hasn't been able to spy on you for a bit now. 

Patty our day nurse just came in and told me that they might move us again:( blah i hope not. we just unpacked and settled in yesterday! its so hard sharing a room especially when we are here 24/7. most people come and go so its hard for us to keep packing up and moving. fingers and toes crossed. plus daddy has his own bed its not the most enjoyable rest sleeping together in this tiny bed. we will do it gladly though if we need to. 

well as far as being productive, i haven't been super productive. its hard to do things laying flat, reading is hard because you end up holding the book above your head, and my arms are so weak they get tired. also when the book is above my head it creates a shadow on the pages and they are darker. not a huge deal, just different. i did write all of my thank you notes from our family shower that we had a few weeks ago. daddy is mailing them today!! i filled out a survey on the care here at st jude, and i finished watching 4 seasons of breaking bad!!! im addicted now and cannot wait for season 5:)

today is your uncle matties birthday. i remember when he was born. we had so much fun with him. you will too. he loves babies and is so excited to be your uncle. he cannot wait to play with you. he even offered to help change your diapers and feed you. we are doing cloth diapers so we will see how the whole changing experience goes. we decided on cloth mostly to save money. diapers are super expensive and totally bad for the environment. now don't get me wrong im not saying ill never use a disposable, sometimes at outings its just easier and less messy, but at home and around town you will have super hip cloth diapers. daddy and i hand selected all of the prints and styles we wanted. it was expensive, but we knew it was a good investment and would save us a lot of money in the long run. 

well my sweet angels we made it through another wonderful day. i am so excited tomorrow is Monday. days don't go by fast here but they pass. i was just thinking today about all of the holidays. i hope we will be here together with you in my belly. i love decorating for all the holidays, its my happy time. i love looking at the decorations and taking in the seasons, the smells, the chill in the air but warmth in the house. i love it all. i love the family and food at thanksgiving and the sweet kids at Halloween who look so cute in their costumes. i love Christmas time for all of the lights and the trees!! i love decorating for Christmas. i could put lights everywhere, stockings, wreaths!!! i am so excited to make our own decorations with you. 

well sweet monkeys mommy is going to get ready for bed soon. funny its only 7pm not but im tired. daddy will be back late tonight. he went to pick Harvey up from Ashli's. Ashli had him this weekend. he loves i there. he even went swimming in their pool, so cute!! then the two boys are going to pick grammie and pop pop up at the airport and take them home. after that daddy will be over to us! yay!!! 

i love you