Pumpkins!!

Hello my love,
I am so excited for the holiday season to start! I love love the holidays, you will too. The weather gets a bit colder outside, so people inside try to stay warm, bundling on more clothes, blankets, or my favorite snuggling. I love sitting near Daddy with a book and snuggling while he pats my head. So nice. 


This week has been fun, and busy. This weekend we tried to make you!!! I really hope and pray that you decide to pick a nice sperm to be friends with, dance, hatch, and grow in a really nice warm cozy part of my body. I hope I am able to carry you to term and finally I hope that you will be healthy for life. Working with so many sick kids makes me really want to have a healthy baby for life, not just for birth. Daddy and I went to the Dr's office both Saturday and Sunday. I know I thought the exact same thing, Dr's offices are never open on the weekends, but these Dr's are. They are really wonderful Dr's. 


Lets recap...Daddy and I went to the Dr's Friday to get information on how we look as far as parenting potential..lol said well... then we spied on you. There were two follicles, one larger than the other, which means we could have had two eggs drop. I hope we did so we increase our chances of getting pregnant. Mommy had to give herself a shot in the tummy, but it didn't hurt because Im a wonderful nurse and knew how to do it. Saturday Mommy and Daddy went to the Dr's and Dr. Coffler did our insemination. Thats where he takes Daddys water and puts it near my seed. You my beautiful darling are the seed, so drink that water!!! Then we just relaxed for the rest of the day. We went to Grammie and Papa's house for dinner and football. I didn't watch football. Yuck! I read instead on the couch with a warm blankie. Afterwards we went for a nice walk with Harvey. It was foggy, which was spook-tacular. You will get that later :) Sunday we went back to the Dr's office and a nurse did our second watering. I really hope we were able to water you soon enough and with enough. After we returned home My family came over. My brothers, Grandma Jeanne, and also my grandma, your great grandma Gwen. You will love them all. Daddy took your uncles, my brother's to the pool. They had a lot of fun. The girls stayed home and played cards and talked. We also went to Watson's for lunch. Watson's is a really old drug store that serves food, malts and fountain sodas. We didn't get desert there though, we went to Joes for Italian Ice. Grandma Gwen treated, she always treats us. She is one of the most generous, thoughtful people I have ever met. She is so fun to be with, she is an amazing listener, and she is so so smart, and fair. She never judges, and is always full of love. She loves you so much already! I cannot wait for you to meet her and the rest of the family. 


Today is Monday and I had to work. The day was nice, I got to paint one patients nails, and got to read stories to another. I love that part of my job! It makes me feel really good inside. I work tomorrow for a few hours. I have a meeting in the morning to attend, and then I am going to help for a few hours on the floor. Then home with Daddy and Harvey. Today Daddy took Harvey for a hike. I was so jealous. I love hiking and even more so with them. They went 5 miles!! I was so proud of them. I cannot wait to hike with you. 


Well my love, I really hope you are growing inside my belly. I hope you are multiplying like crazy and that you have a really wonderful travel down my tunnel in to the pink fluff. I really hope. I have been talking to God a lot and also to others. I have been praying for you and so have so many other people. You are so loved already. I promise we will love you more and more if you decide to join our little family. I have been praying for peace, patience, and faith. I love God, and sometimes its hard for Mommy to completely trust someone and let go of control, but I have been praying to feel Gods arms around me. I have been asking him to lay in bed with me and be with me, I have been hoping that he is fond of me. Im fond of him! I am excited to tell you about him. When we get pregnant, and you are born we will really be praising the Lord, because without him and his children none of this would be possible. We know you will be a gift my sweet little one. I love you so very much. 


Below is a picture of Harvey at a pumpkin patch! 


We all love you!

Mommy

Sitting here waiting

So today is the day we hope and pray that you chose a friendly weigh to fertilize you, my beautiful egg. This month has been a long and really emotional month. It did not feel like the traditional 30 day month it felt like the month was rolling by in slow motion and we were coasting with it.

To start this month after my period came, we had to do a lt of tests. I mean probably around 25-30! We looked at everything, genetics, natural killer cells, antibodies in my body and in daddy's body. We looked at my Fallopian tubes to make sure they were open for your journey to the uterus. We looked at my uterus to make sure it was very pretty for you too. The uterus is where you will attatch. That test was terrible, it hurt so bad! Mommy got so sick I thought I might pass out from the pain. I was very pale and sweaty. I even threw up. Daddy was very sweet and held my hand the whole time, and told me that I was doing such a good job and that he was really proud of me. During that test the dr found some polyps. Polyps are like skin tags, but inside my uterus, so like little pink bumps. They were worried that you wouldn't get a good spot to rest. We are really hoping to get pregnant this month with you, of we don't then we will need to have surgery next month to remove the polyps. If we do get the surgery we will not be able to try making you that month and will start trying again around Christmas.

This time we have shared our struggles with many people, family, and close friends. We are getting a lot of support and love, there are a lot of people praying for you and also for dady and I. We really hope this month God helps to line everything up perfectly and that this month we are able to not only conceive you, but also get to have a happy and healthy baby in 9 short months! It's truly exciting and I'm doin my best to stay positive and very hopeful. Everytime a negative thought creeps into my head discouraging me, I say no go away, I declare in te name of Jesus to leave me. I will get pregnant and we will have a baby. I need to remind myself I this truth.

A friend I mine shared two verses from the bible last night. She shared the story of Abraham and Sara, they were too old to have children, but because they believed and had faith in the lord Rey were blessed with a child. I also read a verse in mark that states that whatever you ask for in prayer and believe you will receive, you will. It gave me some hope and also comfort.

We have been praying for you and so have so many others. I really hope this is our month!
Mommy has been taking a lot of medications in preparation of you. I have been drinking royal maca, it's a root that is said to help with fertility and hormonal balance. It doesn't taste good at all, but I've been drinking it. Also I have started taking baby aspirin to help with blood clots in case that is a problem. I have also been taking metformin, it's actually a diabetic medication, but I don't have diabetes, I have mild insulin reaistance. It shoul help to control my insulin levels, making our uterus more hospitable for your arrival. The metformin has some pretty awful side effects, it causes nausea, fatigue, and diahrrhea. Yucky! I have been a food girl though and have been taking all of my prescribed meds. I really hope it works. You never know little one. Only God does. Daddy and I promise to love you very much and also to teach you about God. You are going to be the sweetest baby ever.

We love you, and hope you pick us this month!
Xo
Mommy

Finding my Grace

It was there at 28,000 feet that I lost it. It started well before my second trip to the restroom. Reading The Shack again exposed my "great sadness". My many woes and my many short comings or perceived failures now stared back at me in the mirror of the airplane bathroom. It started as I walked to the restroom, my body lifted up, words filled my mind and my brain started singing a song I knew well. Tears welled in my eyes as my brain slowly comprehended what I was singing. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. Like me, like me, I kept thinking like me, saved a wretch like me. I was saved, and I am saved. I need my papa just as much as he needs me. He needs to feel my love and my trust. I need to know him just as much as he delights in knowing me. He lives through me and loves hearing me share stories. As I returned to my seat by Matty I was overtaken by the beauty outside. The beauty that the Lord, my papa created for me to see. Perhaps at my moment of saving, my amazing grace he showed me that there is so much beauty in this life that I had reluctanly viewed as ugly and dark recently. The anger and fears I had held against my papa were now less strong, my shoulders now slightly lighter as I viewed first hand the beauty of Gods creations. The beauty all around me that my own "pain" caused me to overlook. I needed to allow God in and my sadness out to have the full ability to open my eyes and truly see. I need to let Papa live through me each day and have faith in him to take care of me and to lead me in the right direction. 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.


T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.


Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.


The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.


Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.


When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Please Lord

So we are basically praying that our insurance approves our procedures by tomorrow morning. I'm so sick of insurance and tests, labs, and the headache of this all. I wish it were as easy for me as it is for too many others. Ugh the ugly head called jealousy creeps onto my shoulders and judges others. Its so hard to shoo it away and go along my merry old day without feeling a little slighted. I'm trying, and that's as good as its going to get today. 


This week has been insane to say the very least. My head is in a constant throb and I feel ill. It started last week with my dreaded period, not only did it show up two weeks late, causing my little hope to rise, but it also came with anger. It was horrible. I was so sick, the pain was awful, and the vomiting that accompanied the constant nausea was disgusting. I felt terrible for three days. Yuck! But I suppose on the bright side I knew what cycle day I was and I was able to call my wonderful Dr's and inform them that I was ready to undergo more tests... Blah


Friday I got my labs drawn for a clomid challenge test. I started taking clomid a medication that assists with ovulation on Monday. I will take it for five days. Clomid comes with many side effects, a few of my favorites being my good old friend nausea and vomiting along with hot flashes. FUN! Oh and I shouldn't forget Matt's favorite..the mood swings. Haha Im lucky he loves me so much. Monday I also had an ultrasound done to check how many follicles I had. I had 20, the Dr. said he was happy with that number. It was a good visit because Matt was able to attend with me and he got to meet Dr. Potter. We really like him and his staff, they are all really happy, which is a wonderful thing. Tonight I start taking an antibiotic for the tests that I will have done tomorrow, God and insurance willing. Tomorrow I am scheduled for an ultrasound and also a HSG. The ultrasound is to look for fibroids or abnormalities, and the HSG is to look at my fallopian tubes to make sure they are open and working. Might be painful, but so is everything else thus far. Saturday I will go in for more labs, and then hopefully and again God willing, we will inseminate soon. I am really hoping this is our month. I feel like we deserve this, we have worked so hard, we are able to provide for our baby and also support them with love. Its just so hard to not have the reality of it all. Our Dr was cute yesterday, he told me that he would make me nauseated but with a happy outcome, not just nauseated for the fun of it :) I like that. I'm hoping with all the hope I have inside me, which doesn't feel like much now. 


I have though, been able to talk to a lot of people regarding miscarriages, my trials and also my faith. I have been able to pray for others, and allow others into my life, and into praying for me. Its a new experience I am treading on lightly. 


My research is slightly on a stand still, I am waiting for the green light on my palliative care studies and until I get that I am on temporary hold. Again patiently waiting. I'm going to be a pro at being patient soon. I have also been reading The Shack and have been loving it. Its my second time reading it, but this time I am writing in it a lot. I'm really trying to drop all conceptions that I have of God. I am trying not to judge him and to simply trust in his goodness, although it is really challenging at times. I am learning to let go of all of my misconceptions of how I think God should be and how he should act. I need to know that he is "fond of me" and that he loves me. I need to trust him to be by my side every day. Its a work in progress yes, but at least I'm working. 


All fingers crossed for tomorrow and this week. 

Ohio

Hello my love. Daddy and I are in Ohio visiting daddy's cousin Robbie. Robbie plays on the soccer team here, Columbus crew. He gets paid to play soccer, which he loves!! Pretty cool huh?! Any way Robbie is way cool, he's super kind, welcoming, and humble. He got daddy and I some Nike shoes. He is sponsored by Nike which is pretty cool. He gets paid to wear their stuff, so he got us each a nice new pair of sneakers.

We like it here in Ohio, the people are friendly and the food is good. It is a bit healthier here than it is in California. It's really cold here though so momma is freezing. Good thing I packed my warm clothes;)

Another bonus on thus trip was getting to see daddy's sister and her family. That is your auntie heather, uncle doug, and your cousins Fannie, Elliot, Anna, and Lucy! That's right four girls!!! You will love them no matter what sex you are. They are Soooo cute! They are all so different and so fun. Today we watched robes game. We sat close and shared hot chocolate.

Last night we made yummy tacos and then had ice cream afterwards. We were walking in the downtown area and I was holding Lucy. Daddy mgot handed a flyer and the girl said here want a condom? Daddy said no thank you, I'm trying to get pregnant with my wife. So cure it melt my heart. Daddy thinks I'm pregnant with you right now, I'm skeptical only because I don't want to be crushed again and again. I'm 7 days late today for my period. I will call the dr tomorrow and try to get there right after we land.

We fly home tomorrow. I'm excited to be home and to see Harvey. I really missed him. I hope you are growing inside my belly, but if your not I hope my period comes so I can try making you again. I love you always and forever.

Love mommy