Doctors!!

So today was pretty hard for me, I had to go to the dr.s alone, without you in my belly. I thought I was going to be ok because Im a really strong person and usually am great on counting on myself. I was ok until the receptionist said fill this paper out, oh wait your not pregnant are you? and then Im guessing by the look on my face she knew and apologized. I was crushed. I walked back to my seat in the baby filled lobby and tried my hardest not to cry. I hate crying in front of people, I hate the weakness that I feel when I am vulnerable and crying, so I really do it rarely in front of anyone. 

Finally after waiting with really cute babies in the waiting room I was called back. I got my weight and blood pressure taken. They were really good the nurse said. I weigh 119lbs and my blood pressure was 90/60. Not too shabby! The nurse was really sweet, she took me into the room and rubbed my arm, she smiled and told me that her niece had a miscarriage and then went on to have 4 healthy babies! She said she hopes to see me pregnant soon and not to worry. So sweet :)

After the introduction the NP, who was really nice, thankfully did a few tests on momma. She felt my belly and then checked other places. She said everything looked really good and that we could start trying again as soon as possible. She said with the endometriosis the sooner we conceive the better, but Daddy and I already knew that. She asked about my job and told me that she has a daughter in school right now who wants to be an oncology nurse! Pretty cool huh? She was very kind and really made me feel comfortable. She said she knows we can get pregnant again, and to call after I get a positive home test. When I was leaving the office she gave me a big hug, which I really needed to tell you the honest truth. I was feeling very needy and sad, but at the same time happy to have met such a nice group of medical professionals whom I'm hoping you too will meet someday. 

Today Daddy's at work and I am home with Harvey. We went on one walk already and are now just relaxing. I just made some really good guacamole for a snack! Harvey wanted some but I told him he was not allowed to eat avocados or onions. He still looked longingly at my chips, and then eventually rested by my feet. Hes such a great friend, and is good at keeping me company. I suppose we need each other equally because he really loves being with us. 

Another funny thing that happened today was that when I got into my car to head for the Dr.'s office I glanced into the back seat, you know to make sure no creepy person was waiting to steal my already locked car..haha I'm a bit paranoid lol Any way I saw two little eyes looking back at me and was like what? hey what are you doing in my locked car? It was a really cute baby bird!! I don't know how he got in, and obviously we couldn't keep him, so I opened all the doors and shooed him out. He took flight but landed low fairly fast. I walked over to him, because he was chirping and realized that he may have just started flight school. I sat talking to him trying to tell him to flap his little wings and fly, but he couldn't. Eventually a bigger bird flew over and talked to him, together they tried flying, but the baby couldn't quite make it up to the perch where the big bird was. a few more birds came to help, and eventually he was able to leave. So cute!

Here is a picture of the baby bird in the car, and the other one is of Harvey at the beach! Daddy took him to the beach again this week and he had a wonderful time. You have a really wonderful Daddy who is going to take you on a lot of fun adventures!

Avoiding you..

I'm totally guilty of it, I've been avoiding you. There were so many things I thought of writing, but I couldn't push myself to do it. We are back from vacation and in the full swing of life again. Daddy has been working really hard and so has mommy. Work has been crazy still, which makes me appreciate my days off and also the vacation we had. It was such a nice break for us. 


On the down side when we came home I took my blood test.. three agonizing days later the Dr. told me we did in fact have a miscarriage. I hate that word. So icky. I was really sad, but even more sad to break the news to daddy who was so excited at the thought of having you join our family. He was a really great support system for me and as always is so sweet. He had flowers on the table with a spa certificate for me when I got home, he even spoiled me with in and out for dinner! A rare dinner for us. 


I have a Dr. appointment this Thursday to make sure my body looks ok and that there is nothing remaining inside my belly. Horrifying, and really sad. I have to cancel my appointments, and go back to reality. I have faith that when you are supposed to join our family you will. I'm really working on patience. Thursday we will find out how long we need to wait before we try again, maybe we can try right away and if not we will wait. We are just enjoying each other as much as possible.


Today daddy came home to say hello to mommy and Harvey. It was such a nice treat! Then we got to meet him for lunch at subway. Another nice treat. Tonight we are going to dinner with Grammie and Papa, You are going to love them! This weekend I have a bridal shower to attend and also Ian my little brothers birthday. Daddy and I got him a really cool ring that he wanted. I'm so excited to give it to him. You are going to have so much fun with your uncles. 


I love you little one, and I want you to know whenever you are ready to be hatched to come on down :)


Love Mommy

Last Night

So tonight is our last night in Cozumel. Today we had another relaxing day. We slept in a but and then we rented a car and traveled the island. Mommy was a little of a debbie downer today, I did not love traveling on our own around the island. I was so worried about every little thing, Daddys driving, getting pulled over by crooked cops, getting robbed, kiddnapped. You name it I feared it.


On our way home we stopped at a place that had zip lines, horses and paintball. We really wanted to ride horses, but there was not even one person on the grounds, so Daddy and I snuck back and fed them instead. There was a baby horse that was so cute. He creeped me out a little because he tried to eat my arm twice. He was hungry. There was a sign that said not to feed them but I did anyway.


When Daddy and I returned we ate a tasty lunch and then went shopping for a boy shirt. Since we dont know if you are going to be a little girl or boy we needed to get you each something. We got a dress and a cute button down shirt.


Then we took a nap and went for a really nice massage. It was perfect. We just finished eating dinner at the asian resturant here. Daddy got tempura ice cream that they light on fire at the table, pretty cool. All of the staff here is beyond amazing! We hope to come back someday. So many wonderful people. I always want to tio the guys who work so hard and Daddy laughs. I asked him to tip one of the boys tonight and Daddy said " but he's not our server" I agreed but also mentioned to Daddy how many times he came by to see if we were ok, he filled our glasses and cleared plates, a real hard worker and Mommy wanted to reward him. Daddy agreed.


Tomorrow we are going to wake up early and then go swimming with the dolphins. Im really excited. I wanted to do that, but Daddy didn't seemed super interested in it. Today he surprised me by telling me he booked the swim! We will swim and then head to the airport. I loved this vacation and time with Daddy, because when we get home we will not see eachother for a long time, but I am really excited to get home and sleep in our bed and see Harvey! I miss that little guy.


So many people don't understand why Mommy gets irritated when I go days without seeing Daddy. Most people live with their husbands, and get to see them at least at night, even if it is just to share the bed with them, but Daddy works weird hours and sometimes does not come home for days. Like last week Daddy worked a 48 hour shift and then came home only to sleep his entire day off. I was pretty sad becasue I had to work the next day and had to leave Daddy to sleep when I really wanted to enjoy as much time as possible with him. Ahh the things we do for eachother my little monkey.


I love Daddy, and you! Thank goodness Mommy has Harvey to help keep me busy, otherwise I would just work everyday. Soon though I will have you to help keep me occupied.


I love you, Keep growing, be safe in there and stay healthy. We have been eating veggies like crazy lately!! I love you!


Mommy

Romantic Dinner

Tonight we had a nice romantic dinner on the beach, with filet and Lobster tail. It was quite tasty if I do say so. Daddy ate it all and he is usually a pretty picky lobster eater. Haha. We had desert too. Daddy got a myan coffee that they light on fire. We took a video, maybe when you are older we can show it to you.

Today was really nice, we just relaxed all day. For the first time since arriving. We slept in past 8! and then woke up slowly, went to breakfast, and then played games at the pool. We played blokus and Daddy won twice. We also played 31, which we will teach you to play soon. I beat Daddy :) Yay for momma!! Afterwards we went and made you a bracelette. Since we dont know if you are going to be a little girl or a little boy we made two, one girly and one less girly.

Tomorrow we are planning on renting a car and driving around the island. I hope we are safe and enjoy our last day here together. We also have a massage planned for tomorrow night and that should be really nice.

Yesterday we also had a wonderful day, we went diving again, this time we went wreck diving! It was so cool. We dove down to an old Navy ship that was at the bottom of the ocean about 85 feet down. We got to swim through it, into the rooms, the engine room...etc. Im pretty brave, but I got a little spooked, some of the rooms were really dark and I was a bit worried about a shark lurking or a creepy octopus waiting to sneak me into his sticky arms. I made it out though. After that dive we went down again this time less deep about 50 feet adn saw crabs, seahorses, and many more fish. It was beautiful. The water here is so clear and you can pretty much see the bottom of the ocean from the top!

Well my love Momma is pretty tired, Daddy took a nap, but I stayed awake reading about pregnancy things. You have been rough on momma lately, well not you personally, but the whole pregnancy thing. I am ten days past my missed period, and all of my HPT's have been negative to date, mind you I havent tested in a few days... I cant stand the negative result, so I stopped testing. Tuesday I have an appointment to get my blood drawn and I pray that we have a real answer and if not its more waiting until June 2nd when my period is scheduled to arrive.

I decided to search the internet and see if anyone else was going through the same irritation of knowing they missed their period, but not knowing. You would be surprised as to how many women out there have the same problem. Some women stated that they took HPT's and even blood tests and they all came back negative, but they were really pregnant. So many women. It made Daddy and I worry about them and their babies. Almost all of them ended up being pregnant, but not detected until later into the pregnancy, like 5+ months! Mommy has been so good even before my missed period I stopped drinking all together when we decided to stop birth control. Ive been taking vitamins and have been trying to be the healthiest momma for you!

I hope you are growing in my belly. Daddy is so excited, almost too excited. Im excited also, but its really hard for me to be excited without proof of your existance. Daddys convinced that the missed period is proof enough. He is constantly rubbing my belly, getting me water, pulling my chair out and rubbing me everywhere. He thinks you are growing. He wants to tell everyone about you, and he has been to my dismay. I tell him its bad juju to tell people and he says he cant help it and that we are on vacation and will never see these people again. Your dad I tell ya. I told him he had to be strong and not tell anyone at home until we make it into our third month, maybe even longer depending on my status. I love you and want to make sure we are both safe before we start celebrating!!

Stay safe and keep growing. I am so excited to decorate your nursery!

I love you my sweet pea...thats how big you should be by now!

Hangin with the boys...

Hi my love,
Today we went scuba diving, like I told you we were. When you get bigger if you want to learn we will teach you and then we can all do it together. Grammie and Papa are certified and so are your Aunt Tiffany, Heather, and Uncle Doug. We all go diving together and its really fun, adn peaceful.

Today we did two dives, the water here is so warm! We saw a lot of fish, and a really cute baby sea turtle who was eating his lunch. Daddy spoted a king crab and we also saw a really big lobster. Grammie would have been ready for dinner. Ha ha she loves lobster!

I was the only girl in the entire group and all of the boys were really sweet to me. Daddy made sure I had enough water, and the other guys helped with my gear and my non compliant goggles. On the first dive we were little jokesters. Daddys tank kept sliding off and it was making Mommy really nervous, the guide came over and helped us fix it twice! Then my ears were killing me, well really only my right ear. I could not get  it  to equalize for the life of  me. It hurt me in the airplane which is not normal for me, and really was painful during the dive. We went down to 100 feet! I wasn't even a little cold. On our second dive Daddys tank was much better, which is good, but he couldn't turn the camera on, he was dancing around trying to figure it out. Also Mommys ear was a little better, but this time my goggles were on funny and I had water pooling into my mask and my eyes were crying from the salt, it took me awhile to find the spot, but once I did I was able to fix it and enjoy the rest of the dive.

Mommy and Daddy met two guys who are old time friends, they are really nice. We are going to dive with them again friday for the ship wreck.

After our dive we went to eat lunch which was really good, I didn't really feel like eating much, but did for you. We had broccoli, carrots, a little fish, a yummy zucchini filled with mushrooms, and chips and salsa!! Yummy I hope I always enjoy chips and salsa. After lunch Mommy read while Daddy took a nap and then we went to the gym to get our work out on. Mommy biked/walked 7 miles and did a lot of light weights, and some ab moves, and Daddy did all weights. Men!

Well my baby Daddy and I are on our way into town to look around and look for a backpack to carry tomorrow on our hike. Yay!! Ill fill you in on those adventures later.

We love you!

We love you. We hoe you are safe and healthy, grow little baby grow!

Cozumel!!!

Hello my love, today Daddy and I are in Cozumel for our first day of our official honeymoon. Its been pretty fun! Grammie and Papa got us this trip for our wedding, which was really nice of them. We are enjoying the beautiful weather.

Our trip started last night when Daddy got back from his test in Arizona. My dad, your Papa Steve took us out to dinner at Pacos Tacos, a very fitting way to start our vacation. Afterwards we got to ride in his black and white. He dropped us off at the airport and we waited to board our flight. Daddy wanted a book and asked me to get one too, so I got a book about being pregnant and what you are looking like daily. Its pretty interesting and filled with information. You are really tiny, about the size of an orange seed. I hope you are doing ok in there, you are definately a little trickster. I am still spotting, and am still worried about you and about you being inside my belly growing, but we are taking all of the appropriate precautions for you. Also I am eating a little bit more for you. Tonight you ate salmon and chicken with a lot of veggies! I hope you liked it. I have also been drinking water like crazy for you.

On our flight here Daddy was so nice, he let me lay on his lap the entire time. Then he took my sandles off and rubbed my feet. Daddy has always been very nice to me, but now that you are growing in my belly he is especially sweet. He carries all of the bags, helps me sit, allows me to eat and drink all I want and is very thoughtful to us. Such a good guy your Daddy!

Tomorrow we are going on a dive trip in the early morning. We are really excited. I decided to dive because all the research I found says its ok to dive when you are less than 6 weeks, which we are. You are five weeks today! I hope at least that you are :) So dive tomorrow, then thursday we are going on a really nice hike to Coba, I can't wait to tell you all about it. Friday we are going on another dive possibly, we want to do a wreck dive, but it all depends on getting enough people. We met two guys who agreed to go with us, so we just need two more takers! Saturday we are going on another hike, but this time we will go to Tulum. Its supposed to be a lot of fun, and we get to play in the water at the beach there. Almost forgot, Daddy and I are going to get a massage on Friday, and another one on Sunday! Daddy sure is spoiling me this week :) Sunday we are going to rent a car and tour the island a bit. We wanted to get motorcycles, but not everyone is a safe driver, and we didn't want to risk getting hurt, or putting you in danger.

Guess what? Daddy and I have a jacuzzi tub in our room and a hammock outside on our balcony. We are so excited to use it. Tonight we are really tired from all of the traveling so we are pretty much ready for bed since we have a really early morning tomorrow.

One last thing, this resort has a million places to eat, and drink and they are all included. We love it! We are able to eat when we are hungry and not have to worry about the price of things.

Well my love stay safe in Mommys belly and keep growing. We love you and hope you are doing well.

Love Mommy.

Stress is the Devil, but so is this...

Today I am sad, scared, irritated, moody, angry and mad all at the same time. They say try not to stress, its bad for the baby, but every thing about pregnancy up to this point has been stressful. Worrying about conceiving, my body, will it work, will it not, is it me, is it not me, missing my period, getting "not pregnant" on the tests, waiting to take the blood tests, and the bleeding. The bleeding is the worst, I have no idea if its spotting, I've never had spotting or been pregnant before. Duh! 


I called the Dr. today to let them know I had bleeding over the weekend and even more today, light I suppose compared to my monthly period. The NP was not the sweetest person in the world and probably should not have been the selected phone call returner. She was all negative, she said yes, you are most likely having a...miscarriage. Then said there is nothing you can do about it, just let it pass on its own, and you wont need a blood test, because well that wont matter now. I was like? what? are you serious! She had no hope at all, which I suppose I am lacking and Matty seems to be the only one with. I was so sad when I got though talking with her. Five minutes later thought the DR. called and said relax, don't stress, call if the bleeding gets worse, and to come home from our trip and take the blood test. I have been reading many blogs and there are so many heartbreaking stories out there. I'm so used to being a heartbreak story myself that I'm not sure why I even thought this would be easy. I'm so used to trying hard, or fighting like hell for everything. I'm trying to be positive, I'm trying to let God help us, I'm trying to not stress, but really give me a break. I'm dealing with this all alone. Matt knows some, but I try to spare him all the details because he has so much else on his mind, and because he is always positive and I hate to be the Debbie downer who says yes we might be losing our first baby. Almost all blogs say m/c, but one I came across said she had bleeding with clots the entire time and here baby was healthy and fine. I'm trying to have faith and hope. 


Please Lord give me comfort and peace. I pray that you would bless my body and keep the baby safe if they are still in there. I pray that he/she continues to grow and is healthy. Please be with us, keep me positive and grateful, bring me peace, and faith. I really need faith father, please be with me and carry some of my stress, Its very hard to carry and heavy for me to bear on my own. Please bless this experience good or bad and help us to become stronger people because of it. 


I love you my little bug, I hope you are growing in my tummy, but if you are not, I pray that you have an amazing life with God, I also pray that you smile down on Mommy and Daddy when you see us. Hang around us and still be part of our family. We love you!

Mother's Day!

Today was our first Mother's Day! Daddy and I went to brunch with Grammie and Papa, we met up with Uncle Kenny and his wife Jessica's family. They are all pretty nice. You will get to meet them and your cousin Logan too, although Daddy and I have only truly seen Logan less than five times since he was born and he's turning two! Can you believe that? Kinda sad, but we cannot do anything about it. 


After brunch we came home and Mommy and Daddy took a nap. I have been so sleepy lately, I think all of my energy is going towards keeping you healthy and helping to bulid you into the beautiful and wonderful baby you are going to be. I can't wait to meet you! Any way we woke up and I took Daddy to the airport. He flew to Arizona to take a test at their fire department, so maybe by the time you are born we will be living in a house there. "You never know" Auntie Franny always says that. So Daddy left and Harvey and I went to my parents house, your other grandparents. 


We first went for a walk with Harvey, your Uncles Ryan and Ian came with me to keep me company, they are two of the sweetest boys, I really liked being around them today. After our walk we went inside and Papa Steve (my dad) made an amazing dinner for the moms. We ate like kings, which means you my love got to eat like a princess or prince :) we had salmon, steak, salad, asparagus, and artichoke. YUMMY then Ian who is so sweet...a lot like momma got up and gave me a bowl of ice cream. I think you liked that too. We also had some fresh lemonade Ian made, it was a little sour so Momma only had a little and then we stuck to water while everyone else enjoyed my famous margaritas. 


After dinner we played 31 and finally momma got to win!! I think it was only a buck but I still won :) 


Daddy just called and said that he found roaches in his room, and a hair on his pillow, so gross. I booked his flight, the rental car, and his room, but its really hard to know if a hotel is nice or in a good neighborhood when everythings online. Oh well we do the best we can right?


On a more personal note, you have been a little trickster already giving me gray hairs and a lot of concern. Yesterday I had some cramping and some spotting, but since I have never been pregnant before I didnt know if it was normal spotting or more, also it was red and everything I read said it was bad if it was red. Momma and Daddy were really scared. We were so happy to be pregnant, and the thought of losing you stunk to say the least, even though we didnt know you for very long. We have been praying for you and also for ourselves. I hope you are healthy and growing ok. I have a Dr.s order for a blood test, but I think its still to early to test, so I was planning on going the day we get back from vacation. I am going to call the dr tomorrow though and tell them about the bleeding. It lasted two days, pretty light but still enough to freak me out. I hope it goes away and I hope you are doing well enjoing the warmth of my tummy and the deliciousness of our dinner. Please be ok my little love bug. We love you so much and cannot wait to share this life with you. 


Stay safe our little angel and think positive thoughts for Daddy during his test. He is the best Daddy ever, he works so hard for both of us, he loves you so much already. Take it easy on Momma too sweet pea, maybe less partying in there because the cramps are my least favorite thing ever, although they are not as bad as a period. Grow and be healthy, we are so excited to tell our families and friends, but not until after you are 12+ weeks old so grow baby grow! We love you so much!


Thought you would like these pictures: Daddy's appetizer...and Uncle Christopher with Harvey! So cute..not the roach.. haha


Love your Momma!

Good Old Fashioned Bribery!

Whats wrong with a little good old fashioned bribery? Nothing right! Thats what I thought, so I decided that I would spoil you today so that if you are on the verge of multiplying you will see the swimming tad pole and lunge towards it in hopes of dividing and conquering! So divide away baby!! Momma has you covered on all fields, boy or girl, big or little. 

I decided that I deserved a little, ok a lot of TLC today, because I have been such a good worker bee lately. So today I decided that while running errands I would get a massage. As I was waiting for my massage I was walking because it was such a lovely and warm day out. While walking I crossed a baby store and of course thought of YOU!! or at least the possibility of you. I couldn't help but enter and Ill be the first to admit went a little nutty. I spoiled you rotten. Unfortunately there are not very many unisex options out there so either we will have to return a lot of clothes, or you can decide to be twins, but opposite sex twins. Haha or if you really wanna be funny you can just wear boy and girl outfits, although Im sure Daddy will no approve of that. 

Well my love I hope you are multiplying away in my belly. Im enjoying a yummy arnold palmer, my favorite drink so if you want some you can have some. Also harvey said he would love to play with you, and daddy really wants to teach you everything he knows...and Im a really great cook...and your Grammie and papa will spoil you even more...and there are so many people who will hold you, kiss you, sing to you, play with you, and LOVE you!!

Just sayin...sounds pretty pimp if you ask me :)

Your Mom

Vacation Mode :)

Hello my love,
Tonight I am officially starting my vacation!!! Well sorta, you see daddy and papa talked me into working tomorrow at the stadium, but after that no more work for two weeks!!! Momma plans on having a nice relaxing time. I so deserve it, and so do you :) 

Today I had a really great day at work, I love all of my kids, they make me so happy inside and helping them makes my work so much more bearable. Two kids that really stuck in my mind, were my little sweetie pie, her family was so sad that I was going to be gone, they all gave me hugs, like twice per family member, they have a really large family, and told momma to tell daddy that he better be nice to momma because I have a "new black family, and that if he's not a good boy they will come and talk to him" momma though that was both funny and really sweet. I love my new growing family. 


Another patient was a really sweet, polite, loving 6 year old, his mom had the same name as me. She was really nice also. Such a sweet family and so brave. The little boy has a brother and sister and they are the sweetest kids also, those parents did such a wonderful job raising their kids to have respect, and love. The oldest boy even got his brother water and then replaced the container after he was done, I cant even get daddy to do that yet, but he didn't ever really learn that skill. Oh well one day he might have it mastered. Anyhow that little guy was sad that he wasn't going to see momma for a long time either, so he asked me if I would take a picture with him. That's two pictures for two different kids in one week! 


Another exciting thing at work today was that during lunch Stephanie, our educator walked in and asked me if I would head a project to educate our staff regarding the benefits of GT feeds rather than TPN, which I agreed to. I'm so excited about the opportunity to learn more, grow, and teach!!! which I love to do. Also momma already thinks GT feeds are way better, my motto is "if its not broken keep using it" ha ha


On a green icky note momma got the flu or some weird virus and is coughing and blowing her nose all the time. My head is achy and my body is too. Ive been washing my hands like crazy and you would think I'm a snake with all these scales! ha ha I really hope you are growing inside my belly, we should find out soon here, I'm so totally excited, but afraid to check. I even passed up cold medication because I was hoping you were inside my belly and I didn't want to hurt your little growing body. I promise to always protect and help keep you safe. 


Well my little angel, momma is really tired and has another long day tomorrow, so I'm going to say good bye and talk more later. Sleep well my love bug!


Your Momma