Frozen

I feel frozen, locked in place, unable to move, to yell, to breathe. I want to scream, to kick to punch. I want to pull my hair until I am unable to pull any longer. I want to cry until my eyes dry up and tears are no longer formable. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. Getting out of bed is the biggest task of the day. I could live in bed. I have no appetite at all so I don’t need to emerge for food, I guess the only thing I need is water. I even think I could live with pee in my bed and wouldn’t mind. On the days Daddy is home he forces me out of bed and I grumpily get up. He makes me try to eat so I usually stare at yogurt and a banana for an hour before forcing it down. He likes me to sit with him, which his fine I guess. There isn’t anything else for me to do so I sit with him in the office while he studies. I look online, read and think. I try not to bother him because I know he has a million things running through his head. Yesterday we talked some. We talked about him working and about him being worried about me. You see I must be in the anger stage of my grieving. I am angry, very mad at God or the belief in “god” that I had. I say had because currently I do not believe in a god. I feel foolish to have even wasted so much time praying, hoping and talking to this person. I do believe in being a good person, but I don’t believe you need to go to church or have a god to be a good person, you are good simply because it’s the right thing to be. I feel like god was a means of comfort for me. Something that allowed me to hope and dream, something that took the pressure off of me being in control and allowing a higher power to guide and steer my life. Daddy is taking this idea of mine rather hard. He said I was the most spiritual person he knew. I always talked and prayed for us and for others. Patient’s friends and family. After seeing all that my eyes have seen in my short 27 years I find it nearly impossible to trust or believe in a god. How can this world be consumed by so much heartache and evil? Obviously people are not rewarded for their goodness, we have no control over anything and neither does this “god”. People believe in miracles, and I’m sure there are miracles, but do we invent them so that people believe in something?

On Saturday Daddy and I went to a friends wedding in San Diego. It was a beautiful ceremony and party to celebrate the love and commitment of two beautiful people. The ceremony was held at USD that’s where Daddy went to college. The church was a bit lavish with stained glass windows portraying “jesus” on a cross, with friends etc. The church had marbled floors that caused a loud clattering noise when anyone shifted their feet or walked in. I was angry I didn’t want to be there. Sure I was there to support Daddy and the couple getting married, but I was angry and didn’t want to sit in a building made to worship a person I hated so much. Tears filled my eyes on multiple occasions when the father made statements. That this so called “god” will bless their lives, their marriage, bless them with children one day. That this god would give them their hearts desires. I wanted to shout yeah my hearts desires were for my babies to die? F you “god”! The church joined hands and recited the our father, I didn’t. The statement “..and lead us not into temptation, and deliver us from evil” made me even more mad. Deliver us from evil? Well if we believe that then deliver us away from this evil god that shits on the world. That beats good people down into the floor. That shatters hope and dreams. That allows children to be abused, women to be raped, babies to be born to mother who don’t want them or could care less about them. Sounds like a great guy! I felt like I was a stupid naive sheep, and he was the big bad wolf. He was tempting me, luring me, fooling me into trusting in him, into hoping. To trusting my heart; hopes and dreams with him. In him protecting my family, my growing womb my faith. Then he ripped me into shreds. I managed to escape him, but am wounded and crushed. I won’t go back. Deliver us from evil? Really does he believe in that BS? He is the evil one. Maybe he did deliver me from evil when he shattered me for the last time. Maybe I am the lucky one in the end because I wont be wasting any more time or energy on this so called god that doesn’t do a darn thing. He can kiss my ass. Everything I have I have done with out him. I have done with the help and love of good, honest people. God doesn’t have a say or influence on any of them. I have been loved by many and most of those people do not worship a god. Most of them only go to this “god” when things are hard in life. Most of them are truly just good people. You don’t need a god to be good. I think I believed in god because it allowed me to dream that goodness could happen. But in reality I have prayed and prayed for sick patients to be healed and they still died in their parents arms. I have prayed numerous times for my sister and no one has changed her with their mighty power. I prayed daily for you, for you to be safe, to grow healthy and to come home with us, and you still died. Nothing I could do for you would have changed this outcome. Nothing. Months spent in a hospital in bed, eating shit, being uncomfortable, laying on my back or left side, not being able to walk or stand, showering every other day, looking out a window at the world moving around me while mine was frozen. While I sat hopeful, beyond hopeful that you would come home with us in the end, because we were doing everything right. That I would get to kiss your sweet faces, that I would get to hold your sweet hands as we went on family walks, that I would get to know you and share life with you. If god is real I hate him for taking you. I hate him for filling me with false hope, for prolonging my pain and suffering for teasing me with each day and week that I managed to stay pregnant. For getting my hopes up with each milestone we hit, with you doing well for two days and then having horrible complications. If that god is so good why didn’t he prevent me from carrying you at all, or take you in the first trimester like he did twice before, why didn’t he take you at 17 weeks or sooner. I hate his guts. I hate the thought of him the stories of him and the false dreams people share about him. I hate everything about him.

I am suffering so badly right now. I think a lot of this is from lack of control. I remember when I graduated from nursing school I was preparing for my NCLEX. I remember being absolutely paralyzed in fear of not passing. I knew I had studied my ass off in school, I had prepared myself and I had a great job lined up. All I needed to do was pass a test. I was so afraid of not passing. I couldn’t imagine after all the time and energy I put forth into being a nurse of me failing and not being able to have the career I had hoped and dreamed of. Luckily due to my studying and my brain I did pass. God didn’t help me pass he didn’t give me the right answers he didn’t force me to study. I did that all out of free will, my own decisions my own brain. I saw how my hard work paid off and in the end I was rewarded with a job that I admire and take pride in doing. How then do I live each day knowing that I studied, learned about endometriosis, medications, ivf, pregnancy, bed rest, incompetent cervix and irritable uterus’. How is it that I forced myself to be the best bed rest girl? I ate so much food to help you grow, I forced awful protein shakes down my throat to give you everything you needed. How then after everything I did, were you able to be born too early and then die? I see so many stories of babies that are born weeks before you. That have the worst prognosis but medicine is able to keep them alive and bring them home to their parents. How was I not one of those lucky parents? Life is a crap shoot. It really sucks. I really can’t say it any other way. I hate a life where bad things happen for no reason. A life where no matter what you do you ultimately have no control over anything or anyone. That is not a world I am happy living in, but unfortunately it’s the world I’m stuck in until I die. Then after death what happens? Do we return to life to live this shit cycle over again? I hope not, do we return as an animal or plant or car? Who the hell knows? Daddy believes in heaven he believes that’s where you are and he is sad that if I don’t believe in god then I wont be with you in eternity. It’s a sad thing for him to worry about and believe. I hope he finds peace in my thoughts and my feelings. He doesn’t need to believe in what I do, and I will always support him in his beliefs, but I will not waste any more time hoping for a god that doesn’t exist. I might change my mind or my thoughts one day, but today I stand firm in my thoughts and they are not those of a good loving god. They are of an evil temptress that fools innocent people into believing in him only to shit on them.

Wow that was quite the angry blog wasn’t it? It’s completely honest and realistic in my feelings, my mood and my current state of mind. I take little joy in life right now. The showers that I loved taking while on bed rest are now not even a thought in my mind. I find little joy in life. I love being with Harvey and daddy. I love looking at Harvey, walking with him, and petting him. I love to kiss him. He is wonderful. He knows I need his love and he shows it to me. Daddy has been really working hard at being mindful in the house. He has helped with laundry, trash, and picking his stuff up. He said he knows messes cause me anxiety and he is trying to help reduce my anxiety. That’s really nice of him. He has been working really hard at school and at home. He is wonderful. I hope he finds someone to talk to about what he is going through, to share his hope in a good god. To share his hope in a good world, and life. Today is Halloween. Boo! Haha our first holiday without you, and it sucks. I think of all the costumes you wont have, all the treats you wont get to eat, all the fun we are missing out on. It just crushes me.

I miss you both terribly. 

Pathology

Today was such a long, emotionally exhausting day! It was filled with one doctor visit after the next. Questions, concerns, pokes and prods. I've lost more weight:/ I'm at my high school weight. Just crazy! I haven't been eating much that's certain, and when we do eat it's not always the best meals for us. Most days if we eat at all it's what's in the pantry, canned goods, noodles, rice etc. I daily consider if it's worth the effort to eat. Nothing sounds good and it takes so much energy to think of a meal and execute it. Especially when daddy isn't pushing me to make food, and has no cravings himself. On the up side our freezer is the emptiest it's ever been! We can see the shelves! Haha the pantry still needs a week or two. Honestly we eat about one meal a day. I am very good about my water consumption, I always have a big cup with me and refill it multiple times a day. Love water and it's a brainless thing to ingest. 

Daddy was off today so he attended all of our appointments with me. It's good for him to be with me because it's so much information I can't absorb it all, and daddy doesn't focus long enough for me to explain it to him. If he's there he listens a bit better. Our OB is truly amazing. He has been so wonderful to us. I'm going to miss him and his staff. We have spent so much time together. He helped us formulate a plan if we ever get pregnant again. It feels good to have ideas and plans in motion for a hopeful successful pregnancy. He said he is excited to deliver our baby one day. I can't wait for that day to come. I constantly think of you. Today was especially rough because at the doctors they all need a lot of information on you. The assistant inputs data on how far along we were, your weights, your names etc. it was hard to go through for all of us. I knew she was struggling with asking the questions but was very delicate with me. Dr Gray, our OB alway makes me feel important. He takes his time and explains everything. He always answers my questions and asks how I am doing. Not just physically, but mentally also. He talks about my mood, my eating habits, and my plans for the next few months and holidays. I never feel rushed with him. He is a wonderful doctor. Another thing he shared with us today was the pathology report from your placentas. They both had acute and chronic infections. That's what threw us into labor:( I'm so sad and sorry. That also explains your white blood count at birth. You were fighting whatever we had. It's crazy, my incompetent cervix exposed you to bacteria in my body, the bacteria caused the contractions, and early delivery. Today daddy and I talked about how we are grateful we had five days with you. If the infection had brewed longer you might have passed away in my belly and we wouldn't have had the chance to be with you as long. We are so sorry for your pain and suffering. We loved you both so much and always will. 

As soon as we left Dr Grays office we ran to another doctor. It was our first time meeting with him, and he was lovely. Daddy really liked him which is always a bonus!! He is a specialist and really talked to us about you, our pasts, and what we hope for the future. He seemed very hopeful that he can help us. He and his staff seemed wonderful. 

After leaving his office I spoke with Dr Toohey who was our perinatologist. She is so lovely also. She reminds me of someone very special to me. She is so gentle, loving and hip! She just puts me at ease. She asked many of the same questions that the two other doctors asked. How am I, am I sleeping, eating...etc. I was recently prescribed sleeping pills to help me sleep through the night, which I haven't done this entire pregnancy and even more so now. I also changedy anxiety medication to a different one. I have been having the worst anxiety. Leaving the house is almost impossible for me. I freak out. Sure I don't do it in front of people, but leading up to an event I'm panicked, I cry, I worry. 99% of the time I talk myself out of leaving and stay home. Its been rough. Tonight I planned on sleeping at frannys but last night I cried and cried. I didn't sleep at all. I was so anxious. I haven't slept outside of our house or the hospital in so long. Also I think it might be a control thing. Outside of the house I have no control, but here it's my bubble and I feel some control. Losing you I had no control in, so perhaps I'm compartmentalizing and trying to hold onto what I can. No idea just thought of it right now! Any way  off topic. I didn't go to Fran's. I'm in bed in my bubble at home. Dr Toohey explained that not only will we experience post partum depression, grief, anxiety etc she also said our experience was a lot like PTSD. I hadn't thought of that, but it really makes sense. We had two miscarriages, then did ivf which was a long hard and emotional process. When we got pregnant we were on medications to help save the pregnancy, we did everything in our power to keep you safe, home bed rest, hospital bed rest, more medications, mag, pneumonia, antibiotics, doctors daily checking on us, emergency c section, delivery, nicu, brain bleeds, respiratory failure, you both passing, cremating you, spreading ashes, walk to remember, celebration, normal life that's completely abnormal. She made excellent points. She asked me to try eating every 3 hours, to walk at least once daily outside, to see a therapist, and to call her if with all the support I still felt awful or didn't feel myself getting better. She even gave me her personal phone number! I'm amazed at how much support and love we have received from doctors, nurses, family and friends. It's amazing. 

The support group daddy and I are attending starts next Sunday. I am very eager to go and meet other people like us. To share stories and possibly find hope together. Maybe even make life long friends. Daddy has to work that day so I will go alone. I'm hoping he can make most meetings. He doesn't really have anyone to talk to:( it makes me sad and I know he needs to release it. We are also going to see a therapist, unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover it and it's expensive:( we can probably only afford to visit her once a month. She specializes in post partum depression, anxiety, infertility, grief and infant loss! Can you imagine a better qualified person!!! She is also very sweet. I haven't personally met her yet but I've exchanged emails to set appointments and also confirm coverage of our insurance or  lack of. Dumb insurance! Oh well. 

Today was Dr Patels birthday! We called him and sang to him;) he liked it. I hope you are with him and giving him a beautiful day!! It was lovely out today my angels. 

I miss you more than anything in this world! keep daddy safe tomorrow. I love you

Mommy

Dont think about it

Don't think about it. Don't think of daddy going to work, being gone the whole day, being in our house alone. This will be good not only for him, but also for me. These words swirled through my mind in the three short hours of sleep i managed to grasp. My exhausted body tossing and turning in the bed. Trying to stay still and quiet so daddy could sleep peacefully prior to waking. This will force me to be productive. To do things I haven't done, to hopefully work on my healing and my personal strength. I don't expect anyone to fully understand, but I've found peace in keeping our nursery intact. For a few reasons. It helps me to realize this ordeal is indeed reality, it did happen. It helps me to see that yes we were pregnant, we were pregnant with twins, we delivered them too early and sadly they we lost you both. It helps also to bring me hope of one day filling that special room. Of bringing a sweet sibling home. It scares me a lot to think of that. It's something we dream and long to do. I fear that it won't happen. I fear that if it does we will raise you in Grace or Wyatt's shadow. I fear that you will feel like we loved them more and if we had them you wouldn't have been here. I pray we have the love, strength and courage to support you as a growing baby. That we are strong and wise in the words we chose. That we incorporate your brother and sister in your life and teach you to love them. that you will feel our love and be secure and confident in it. As I finish painting the letters for your room I pray it brings me peace and satisfaction. That in healing I learn to carry our stories with me. That our hard times, losses and fears become dust in my backpack rather than bricks. I hope I learn to place one foot in front of the other. I pray I am able to touch lives and bring others hope through my dispair. I pray I learn to live, if even just one day at a time. 

I love you

When the dust settles

At the beginning of this chapter of our lives, the one that started September 16th after you passed away daddy and I were surrounded with support. Friends, family, co-workers, doctors and nurses. People who loved daddy myself and you both. We had so much encouragement to be strong, to have hope and to live. Shortly after our celebration of life a lot of that support fell away. We didn't feel the impact initially, but it's hit us hard, really hard. We have found ourselves sobbing, begging, pleading for you. We question everything in life. It's like we grew up being told the sky was blue and then one day someone told us it was pink. We can't comprehend the change. Our world has been completely flipped upside down and shaken out. Friends who were so close to us in the past are not present in our lives now. We have changed and so have so many others. Many I must say have been changed for the better. Hearts softened, hopes brought to life, dreams contemplated. I am grateful to be a good support seeker. I have really focused on coping, on learning how to live without you. To take this nightmare and find peace and meaning in it, to learn to live. Orriginally and still sometimes I lie to myself. I believe your somewhere else, which you are. The part of me lying is me believing you will come home. It was easier for me to live believing that. When I actually sat and forced myself to see the truth I sobbed, I was so mad, angry, livid. Depressed, distraught, unable to function. I slept in bed all day, when I couldn't find sleep I still stayed in bed. My eyes glued shut my mind imagining you, what you would look like, how we would be so protective of you. How much we love you and loved you. I think of your milestones, you sitting up, smiling, eating solid foods, starting school, dating and eventually getting married and having your own children. I think of you often. You are never far from my mind or heart. I love sharing you and thinking of you. I have been able to read support books on grieving the loss of a baby, babies or children. It helps me to see that my feelings are normal and valid. I have contacted support groups, and therapists. I've met with friends, I've walked Harvey. I've found a sliver of peace with these things. A small glimmer of hope, possibilities that never before crept into my mind now cause me to get goosebumps. My heart beats faster at the thoughts and possibilities that I am currently surrounded by. I am learning to allow myself to hope again. Cautiously but optimistically.

Daddy on the other hand is not doing as well. I think for men it's a lot harder to find the support you need. Many people come to me or daddy and ask how I am. Very few ask how he is, offer to talk, pray or go somewhere with him. Come to our house and bring him lunch, call him to talk etc. daddy hasn't had any place to vent his feelings. Sure he gets to do a lot of that with me, but I think he feels bad sharing a lot with me. He knows I'm hurting and try's to protect me from more pain. He tries to be strong, loving and very supportive. He is so strong. I pray he finds peace and support in his life. Daddy starts back at his internship tomorrow. I'm excited and happy for him. I personally think it will be great. Daddy has worked so hard at this, I am eager to see him graduate and I know you are too! Daddy doesn't feel ready to go back, he thinks it's too soon. His heart is aching so badly and he longs to be with you and also with me. Secure and in a place he feels comfortable. I am praying he finds relief at work and that it turns out to bring him excitement and hope. Daddy is a great paramedic, I know you will guide him and protect him. 

This weekend we have a wedding to attend. It will be a fun but also busy and emotional weeked. I've found it really hard to be in crowds. We were invited to a Halloween party and it caused me anxiety just thinking about it. Yikes!!! Also I can't imagine dressing up! Haha Harvey has two costumes though. We might do dinner with family that night., daddy has to work so we are planning on laying low. It will be our first Halloween home in our house here;) unless we decide to go out. I have my shirt I bought to wear with you. It's a skeleton shirt with twin skeletons. Grace you had a bow on your head lol it was super cute!!! Unfortunately I won't get to wear it:/ that's ok. 

Well my loves we have a very busy week! Today was nice I met with Erika for lunch. We ate yummy blackened tofu burritos and shared stories. I am excited to hopefully work with her again. Fingers crossed sweet ones!! After lunch I got to hang out and play with your cousins Sydney and Logan and your Auntie Jessica. It was really fun! We played at home for a bit then walked to dinner. We ate at wahoos which I love!! It's so good. They made my fish tacos into lettuce wraps. It was very tasty. Afterwards your cousin Logan took a bubble bath and Sydney practiced scooting around. She's going to be crawling soon. You would have had a blast with them. Sydney loves to laugh at Logan and thinks he's just great. She's such a happy baby! When I got home I cut daddy's hair and then cleaned the bathroom. There was hair everywhere. Then we sat with Harvey and came up to bed. Daddy is sleeping now because he will wake up at 4 tomorrow to be at work on time. He cleaned the carpets today and walked Harvey twice!! That's two miles;) lucky boy! I'm going to read more of my book bringing in finn and then try to sleep. The band plays from 6:30-8:30 tomorrow at the school right across the street! Ugh they are sooo loud haha. 

I love you both! Thank you for softening so many hearts, touching lives and loving us;) we love you

Hard Day

Ugh today was the pits and its not even over yet:( I wanted to stay in bed all day long, and I would have but Daddy forced me out of bed. Grumpiness took over and I moped around with no direction at all. I made myself a bowl of cereal with banana and a small cup of coffee. I kissed Harvey's head about a million times, sat with him, talked to him, and pet his sweet face and ears. They are so soft. He looks at me with the sweetest eyes that tell me he knows I'm sad and he is there for me to love on. I tried to be productive around the house, I made copies for our doctors appointment next week. We need all of our health history, surgery notes, labs etc. It saves us time and money in the long run not needing to track things down from different doctors and also not having to repeat the same tests over and over again. After doing all that I filled out the paperwork the state requires regarding our delivery. Then of course blue shield calls to talk to me about my "expectant babies". I told her we had the babies. Then she continued to tell me that I can disregard her letter she sent regarding care and "congratulations on your delivery" gee thanks! Don't people get updated? I can't tell you how many times I've answered the phone and gotten stuck in an awkward conversation where someone asks me about our babies, boy or girl, how am I feeling, etc...then the awkward silence when I tell them that you passed away. AWKWARD!!! It makes me feel so so sad. Daddy gets mad, he is handling your loss differently than I am. Daddy has lived a life full of love, hope and dreams coming true. I on the other hand am experienced in losing people, watching hopes and dreams vanish quicker than the time I had dreaming of them. I am used to bad outcomes, I'm used to the thought that GOD will take away whatever makes me happy. I have no reason to believe anything different. He has taken almost everything from me, why? perhaps to humble me, possibly to make me hate him completely and become a non believer? I have no idea what his intentions are, and honestly at this point I could care less what he thinks or wants.  I have learned through life and thorough this awful experience that no matter how hard you try in life, how good of a person you are,  how much love you have for others, or how hard you work for something, you have no control over it. You are absolutely powerless. You cannot change the outcome, you can influence a situation, but ultimately you are helpless. A squirming mouse in a giants hand. Pawns on a board being played however he sees fit. What an absolute crap shoot that is. Matt and I cannot comprehend our loss. We did everything in our power to keep you both safe. We were on bed rest, I was in the hospital for weeks and weeks. I ate hospital food, I was on antibiotics and medication around the clock. I had pneumonia. I used a bedpan, I vomited more times than I can count. I trusted, I prayed, I believed, I hoped. And for what? For God to have the last say. For him to selfishly take my babies away. To tease and torment me with five days with them. To burn images in my mind of them in pain and suffering. To show me that he is in control and I am nothing. I hate that God. I don't respect him, I cannot follow him. What reason do we have to live in a world so shitty. One where life sucks and is so unfair. One where no matter what you do, you lose. I am learning to cope. I am slowly learning to depend on myself. If I eliminate everyone and everything nothing can hurt me. He can't take anything away from me that way. What then is the purpose of me living here on earth if I dissolve all of my relationships. How can I get away with pushing all of my family, friends, and Daddy away. Daddy won't let me, he holds onto me tight and fights strongly for me. I told him today that I feel like I brought so much pain and suffering into his life. I am used to pain and suffering. I know shitty endings, I know unhappiness, I know emptiness. Before me he knew happiness, joy, and hope. I have a body rotten with stupid endometriosis implants. I have so many scars on my lower abdomen you can connect them and I'd have built in undies like barbie. Today reality sunk in. You are both gone. No matter what we do, what we give, what we believe we will never ever get you back. We can't bargain or pay our way out of this. We must live with our reality. I hate our reality. We will never be the same, we lost you, we lost a lot of ourselves with you. I have no hopes, no current dreams, nothing to work towards. Why would or should I? Even the hopes of having a baby one day are gone. There is no guarantee it will ever work. How many times should we subject ourselves to the abuse, the pain, the devastation. How much of ourselves must we give. We refuse to give up, but are completely powerless. Today I hate everything. I am having a hard time being thankful today. I watched our video today with Daddy and we sobbed. We sobbed much of the day, in utter disbelief. In despair, in sorrow and sympathy for each other. I am unable to comprehend how strong we were with you. In our final days with you, we were able to stand and smile at your bedsides. We welcomed family to meet you, we prayed and dreamt of miracles. Today we are weak, cracked beyond repair. Today we are broken. Today we don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Today we are not looking for anything but you. 

Your light

Happy Tuesday my sweet angels. On earth we have days, but I'm sure where you are time doesn't exist.  Yesterday was National infant and baby loss remembrance day. So many people lit candles for their babies and also for you! I hope you enjoyed the light show. Here are some of my favorite pictures:

Mommy and Daddy have been trying to stay busy. Its good and bad. Staying busy keeps us from thinking about you all the time. We carry you with us everywhere we go, but when we are still our minds run wild. I have not been able to look forward, its too hard. I refuse to accept that you are gone, its easier for my brain to believe you are here. Nightly I tell Daddy I cant believe you are both gone. We keep replaying everything over and over in our heads, what happened, what could we have changed, how is it possible that at almost 26 weeks you both suffered so much. How horribly unfair and cruel was it that you only lived 5 days and each of those days were filled with medications, pokes, machines and noises. Only on the last day did we get to hold you and kiss your sweet faces. Now don't get me wrong I am so grateful we got to share 5 days with you, I am grateful we got to meet you, to see you, to touch you and to talk to you. We are so thankful, we are just in shock. I still imagine you in my tummy, I picture us in the hospital where we were safe and always had someone with us. I imagine you in the NICU growing, your cheeks getting fuller, your belly rounding. I picture your sweet belly buttons so cute! I love to think of how you might look as you grow, I can't stop myself, and I don't want to. So many people don't understand. They think we should be done grieving and should be ready to move on. To return to a "normal" life, to work, to eat, to live like you never existed. I think its easy to expect that. I mean after 5 short days how much of an effect could you have had on our lives. It was HUGE. All the hopes, dreams, and expectations we had vanished with you. We still have your room set up, we have all of your belongings, we don't want to move them. We had trips planned, people we hoped for you to meet, holidays to share with you. Life is moving all around us, changing, progressing, but I am frozen. I am stuck inside watching things happen around me. Babies born, growing, eating, living. People laughing, exercising, smiling. ITS WEIRD! 

I thought of exercising, but I'm not ready. My belly is still sore when I do crunches, and jogging is a little sore also. I am allowing myself to rest. I am not going back to work early. I have always been a hard worker and always worked. This is my time to be with me, and I will never get this time back. Work will be with me until the end of time. People just need to relax and have patience. Nothing is more important than how I feel and me doing what is right for me right now. I have no intention of being all about me for the rest of my life but right now it is about me, and I need you all to help me, love me and support me through this. 

A few things I've done lately that have helped me. I went to lunch with Megan and Yaojen. Megan was my roomie in the hospital. It was good talking and being with people who knew me when I was pregnant. Who experienced joys and heartaches with me. They were there in the room when I went into labor and they cried with me as I was wheeled into surgery. We ate together, prayed together and hoped together. After lunch I was invited to hold and kiss their sweet baby. Mila is still in the NICU. She is perfect! She has the sweetest cheeks, smile, head of hair and demeanor. I love her already! Megan called me auntie Andrea to her which absolutely melted my heart! I got to hold her for a long time. I LOVED IT!!! I kept looking back where your cribs used to be and thinking about you. All the staff nurses and doctors hugged us and talked to us. They told us they think of us and pray for us daily. They said that we changed, and touched more lives than we know. They laughed and said they used to fight to take care of me every morning. It made us feel good. After being with Megan and her sweet family Daddy and I got to spend time with Dr. Patel. He is lovely, wonderful in every sense of the word. He is a great dad. He is so proactive in his kids life, I love it. I love present dads who enjoy their family and touch the lives of their children. What a wonderful gift to the world. He always has positive stories to share with us. He supports me and gives me hope. He is also wonderful to daddy, who needs a male to help him right now. I have a lot of love and support, but daddy doesn't have as much. We are eager to start our support group in November. We also contacted a therapist!!! exciting stuff. We also got some hopeful news today! I will meet with two doctors next week to see if there is any hope for me and also for a possible surrogate! EEK SO HOPEFUL!!! 

Sunday night Emily picked me up and took me to Sarah's house. We met with Sarah and Kristen. I love all three of these women. They are beautiful inside and out. We ate a delicious dinner that Sarah made and then we decorated pumpkins.....with glitter! It was really messy and so much fun. There was laughter and love. We talked about you and about life. It was refreshing and so nice to be with them again. 

Monday Laura picked me up and took me to lunch. We went to the cheesecake factory. It was after the lunch rush which was perfect. I have been getting insane anxiety while out in public places. It was nice. We had a little booth and we just talked and talked. I am so happy I have her in my life. She is a wonderful, beautiful woman. She is so positive and always looks on the bright side. She has a lot of patience and insight. She is a great listener and let me talk about how I am feeling, coping and she let me talk about you. Many people are uncomfortable talking or listening to me talk about you. Its a topic that many people don't have experience with. Its so nice when people pick me up with a plan. Its so hard for me to decide on anything. When people say "OK what do you want to do", or "where do you want to go" I freeze, stop in my tracks and panic. I have no idea. Ummmm aghhhhhhh.... Lunch was perfect! So much fun:)

Today I met with Megan and we walked Harvey. We talked a lot about you, and a lot about how she felt after our delivery. She started crying when I did they day they took us into surgery. We were both so afraid. She had so many questions and concerns. She was upset and talked to her dr a lot. She felt unsettled with how everything happened and how quickly it all happened. I shared our worries and fears with her also. Daddy hates talking about them because he gets mad. We can't go back and change the past so why relive and mourn in it? It helps me some though so it was nice being able to share it with someone who was there with me the entire time. 

Daddy is at the beach now with Tyler and Harvey. I am going to try making chicken parmesan for dinner. Hopefully I don't burn it. Haha

I love you both!

October 15th A day to remember

 Matt and I want to invite you to join us in lighting a candle on October 15th. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We are hoping that everyone in all time zones, worldwide will join us in lighting a candle at 7pm on October 15th. If everyone lights a candle at 7pmand keeps it burning for at least one hour, there will be a continuous WAVE OF LIGHT over the entire world on October 15th! We also want to thank you all for being so supportive of us. Our journey would be so much harder without the love and encouragement from you all. 

We love you!

Grateful

I've been in such a funk lately I have forgotten all the things I should be thankful and grateful for. I am so thankful Daddy and I were able to create you. Life. With the assistance of science what might not have happened due to a problem with my body was made possible. If I didn't have endometriosis I would have no problem getting pregnant, but unfortunately my fallopian tubes, uterus, and ovaries are blocked by spider web looking tissue. The tissue is purple and looks like bruising. It bleeds and causes a lot of pain. I have undergone 5 surgeries to help remove it only to have it return with a vengeance. I also suffer from ovarian cysts, and an incompetent cervix. Recipe for a disaster! Luckily this year Daddy and I got pregnant. We couldn't be happier. Although we were terrified we held onto hope and prayed that everything would turn out alright. We prayed each day for you and your health, well before you were conceived. I am thankful for the wonderful care we received in the hospital. Our nurses, doctors, and respiratory therapists truly became our family. I am grateful for the care Wyatt and Grace received while in the NICU.  I am grateful that Daddy and I both had the opportunity to hold you, to kiss you, to tell you we loved you. We were able to feed you milk that my body produced just for you. We were able to change your diapers, to cover you, to hold your sweet hands and to touch your little feet. I am grateful for the daily texts that friends, family members and acquaintances send. They don't require a reply they often say "thinking about you" or "love you". I am thankful for the delicious meals people bring by. Friends, complete strangers from a friends church that I attended a few times prior to being placed on bed rest have brought us food. Its amazing how in the midst of my sorrows and my grumpiness to the world, a light can shine. A stranger has so much love in her heart that she is willing to bring us dinner. Two people she has never met. I am grateful for the good in others. It brings me hope and reminds me to be thankful. I am beside myself each time I open the mail box or front door and open a letter, or a package. Flowers delivered weekly, cards, today a beautiful bracelet and note. Its humbling. We are grateful to everyone who donated money. We were able to pay a large portion of Wyatt's medical bills off. We have not yet received Graces, but expect it should be around the same amount and come soon. Thankfully hospitals will take any money you give them and allow payment plans for any amount over 300. Today Daddy had his polygraph, it was long. They asked him questions for 3 hours! phew.. then when he got home we ate lunch and cleaned a bit upstairs. At 4pm we had another investigator come to our house to question Daddy again and also talk to me. I am so hopeful Daddy gets hired. We can't handle much more devastation or darkness right now. I don't know anyone who deserves this job more and who is a better person. Daddy is so honest, genuine and humble. He is slow to anger and quick to help. I love him. I am so thankful. I cannot tell you how many people have touched, changed and help shape my life, and for that I am blessed. 

I love you my angels. Today we would have been 30 weeks. It is so hard for me to stop thinking about where we would have been. I know people say not to look back, but its too painful looking forward, so for now I look back. I smile when I close my eyes and picture me, lying in the hospital with a belly so big and round. Ahhh happiness if even for a second.

One Month

One month ago today was the happiest, scariest day of our lives. It was the day that our family of two turned into a happy family of four. We were the happiest parents in the world. We shared so much love for each other and for you two. I can remember that day like it was today. I remember waking up in the morning, I was having some right sided back pain and contractions. I remember feeling nauseated, which was a new feeling for me. I got up and said good morning to Megan. We shared a room that night because the labor and delivery floor was too full to hold us. Daddy slept at Grammie and pop pop's with Harvey, he was taking him to the park in the morning. I remember getting an omelet for breakfast. I was so excited about it. It was a mushroom, tomato, jalapeno omelet. I took one bite and couldn't continue. I felt too icky. I text daddy that I felt funny and to see when he would be visiting. He was on his way to the park with Harvey who was so excited. I remember wanting Daddy to be with me, but not wanting to rush his much needed time with Harvey. We knew we had an appointment with the perinatologist and assumed it would be in the afternoon as it usually was. Of course as our luck would have it they rolled in at 9:30 to take me. On my way to the wheelchair they took my weekly weight to make sure I was gaining the appropriate amount. I was! I was so excited!!! I had reached 140lbs. I cherished every single pound. I knew it would help you grow stronger and stronger. Daddy would be so proud, he was pushing protein drinks down my throat three times daily and finally it looked like it was paying off! 5lbs in one week was a great achievement considering I was losing muscle on bed rest. I got into the wheelchair and was rolled to the other side of the hospital. I went onto the exam table and learned that we were going to take measurements of you. You looked amazing. Wyatt they measured you at 1lb 10oz  and Grace they said you were 1lb 8oz.  After we were done I thanked Connie and got back in my wheelchair happy to share the great news with Megan, and Daddy. Megan was really sad when I came back. She said she was sorry we had to share a room and Daddy missed being here for the appointment. I told her it was OK, and that Daddy would be there soon. It was Wednesday so Megan's husband would visit us that day too. I got back into bed and got comfy. I kept contracting, I text Daddy and told him that I was having a lot of contractions and he laughed at me and told me jokingly to stop acting out and that he would come after the park. Since I kept contracting I called my nurse and asked for my procardia dose. I also told her I felt more contractions and asked to be monitored. When a labor nurse arrived I was having contractions every minute. I thought for sure I would go downstairs to the labor floor, possibly get put back on magnesium, maybe get another round of steroid shots. I wasn't afraid then, I just thought silly body is always being funny. Poor Daddy is going to have to pack our room up again. Then the nurse said words I wasn't expecting to hear. I need to get the doctor. She needs to see you. The doctor came in and told me she needed to check me. "Checking" me consists of her feeling my cervix to see how thin and dilated it is. She was really pushing back far, when she was done she said you are 100% effaced and 4-5cm dilated. My ears went foggy. My pants were still pulled down around my feet, all four side rails on my bed were being pulled up, nurses surrounded my bed, "call your husband and tell him to get here now" filled my ears. Hot fire tears shot from my eyes and made rivers on my cheeks. This cant be happening. I called Daddy who was able to calm me down. His faith and strength was much greater than mine at this time. He told me that God was with us and would keep us all safe. He told me that we were strong and would be OK. He said our babies were fighters like me and they too would be OK. They were almost 26 weeks, and the survivability increases to 70-90% at 26 weeks. We knew our goal was to make it to 24 weeks, that was viability, once we got there we were out of the scariest woods, we would all be OK. Yes we would have an incredibly hard and long NICU journey, but we were willing and ready to go on that journey. I was rolled downstairs and was put back in labor room 9. That was the room I spent a week in from 23.5 to 24.5 on magnesium and then with pneumonia. Daddy liked this room a lot, it was big and had a nice shower for me to sit in. Three nurses were around my bed. I asked to have the Chaplin come pray over me, I also asked my nurses to pray for me. My body shook so hard, every part of me was trembling. I sobbed and was so afraid. I knew in my heart it was not going to be good. I was so hopeful, but knew something terrible would happen. I thought perhaps Daddy wouldn't make it in time, or that I would bleed to death on the table, anything but losing you both. I had one nurse starting my IV, another placed my catheter, and a third was getting the room ready. "how far is your husband? we need to go", "c-section", "call the team in". I was so freaked out. I asked Kelly and Erika to pray for us. I text Daddy to see where he was, he said close, I was wheeled into the OR. I was so scared. The nurse hugged me and helped hold me still while the anesthesiologist inserted a needle in my spine to numb my lower body. I thought I would be afraid, that it would hurt, but nothing cut through me besides the fear of losing you. Daddy rushed in just as we were about to start. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said sorry. He kissed my head and held my hand tightly. He too had tears in his eyes. He prayed with me and told me that we would get to meet our babies today. I shook and shook, Daddy looked at me with the sweetest face, one of adoration and love. I remember smelling my flesh burn, I felt my muscles stretch, it didn't hurt, but I could feel the pressure, the fingers separating my muscle layers, pushing, poking. I remember telling Daddy that this was weird and that I didn't like it. The anesthesiologist asked if I was OK, then a relief of pressure and a small squeek. Wyatt was born. Wyatt you were 33cm long, 1lb 12oz. Then Grace you came next at 31cm long, 1lb 4oz. You cried a small amount also. Our team of neonatologists, nurses and respiratory therapists intubated you both. It was to help you breathe. They allowed Daddy to see you and then they took you straight to the NICU. It was so surreal. I could feel the doctors stitching me up. I wanted to jump off the table and run to the NICU to see you. We were transferred to a recovery room where we would stay the next two hours. Daddy got to go to the NICU to see you. He brought back picture and a video of you. We were so excited. He said you were really small, but nothing prepared me for just how small you really were. Daddy called and sent texts to family while I recovered. After two hours we were transferred back up to the mother baby floor. I asked to see you, but they told me that I needed to wait 12 hours. There was no way I was going to wait that long. I asked to be wheeled down at 8, after change of shift if I was feeling ok. My night nurse agreed and rolled me down. I threw up right when we got there:( I washed my hands for three minutes, protocol for the NICU, I also gowned up in the protective gown all visitors must wear. I was so eager to see you, to touch you, to tell you I loved you. I saw Grace first because Wyatt was being cared for. You were so small. I was shocked. You had my nose and my hair color. It was dark, and you had a lot of hair! I fell in love with you instantly. I wanted to touch you, to hold you, to kiss you. I talked to you, and gave you a doll. Your scent doll. You had one and I had one at all times. I alternated the doll every three hours or so to give you a fresh scent of me. Next I met you Wyatt. You looked much bigger than Gracie. Its amazing what those few extra ounces did. You were so stinking cute. You had Daddy's nose and his light hair. Well Daddy doesn't have light hair now, but when he was little he was a toe head. We were so proud of you both and so happy. We stayed with you both as long as possible. From 6:30-8 they did rounds so they asked parents to leave, so we went to our room to nap, shower, eat then. The nurses, respiratory therapists and doctors were so good with you. We felt comfortable leaving you with them. Another wonderful thing they had was video viewing of you. So when we were in our room we could look in on you. What a long and eventful day we had. I was over the moon. Of course we were nervous, but we were so hopeful. We anticipated staying in the hospital for a long time. Daddy planned on returning back to his clinical rotation in two weeks. He would stay with us until I could drive myself to the hospital to see you. I planned on being with you daily and at night too. I knew Harvey would be taken care of at Grammie and Pop pop's. I thought I would watch you on the camera when I came home to eat or shower. Daddy bought a month parking permit, we got information for insurance and also for my disability. We were so ready and organized. On Thursday, the day after you arrived Daddy got a call from a fire department he interviewed with. They told him he passed the interviews and was being put through background investigations. We were so happy. Daddy was so proud, a papa and now a fire job! Life was finally falling into place. We had two good days with you and then before we knew it our world came crashing down. I remember being woken up at 3am with the news that Wyatt had a major bleed. You needed a blood transfusion. We ran down to see you both. We stayed with you until 6 when rounds happened. At 7:55 Dr. Patel arrived in our room. We started to learn that when the doctors came to us personally it was never good news. He sat on our bed and told us that he hated bringing bad news. He told us about your brain bleeds. Both of you had grade 4 brain bleeds, you both were suffering from respiratory failure and were on oscillators. He reviewed options with us and told us he would give us time to think and then meet us downstairs. Daddy hit the floor and howled like I had never seen or heard before. He was begging, slamming his fists into the floor, yelling. I went to hold him and he pulled on my body. He pulled to bring me down onto the floor with him, and then subconsciously put me on the bed and held me. We gathered ourselves and decided to go see you. Daddy didn't want to go down in a mess so we took a few minutes to dress, brush teeth and gain composure. When we arrived you were both struggling. Wyatt we could see your brain bleed. Your head and eye were red with blood. Your lungs shook, they no longer rose and fell, they just vibrated. You were having seizures and were posturing. Daddy and I took one look at you and asked for you to be medicated. We didn't want you to suffer. Grace, you looked great compared. You too had a vibrating chest, but thanks to all that hair you had we couldn't see the extent of your bleeds. Daddy and I sobbed, we called family and arranged for them to meet you. We called Deacon Bill and had you both baptised. We didn't know how long we had with you. We had another doctor come on Saturday to give a second opinion. He sat with Daddy and I and answered all of our questions. The prognosis was horrible. We melted onto the floor again. Our lives felt over, we had no reason to go on, besides being there for each other. Everything we had ever wanted or dreamed of turned to dust and blew away. How could we be in this situation? How are we being asked to play the role of God? How dare God take our babies and make us decide to remove support. I was angry, but I wasn't going to let my anger take away from the seconds, minutes, hours I had with my babies. I was mad at God for not only taking two of our babies last year, but for now taking our twins. What a bully I thought. I needed to pull myself together, to gain composure, to be loving, grateful and supportive. To be too thankful, and to see the beauty in this ugly situation. I am in awe daily at the love, compassion and support of everyone involved in our lives. Strangers, friends, family members who hadn't played major roles in our pregnancy were now here and wanted to be with us, with you. People brought food, sent cards, flowers, money. Nothing could bring you back. We would give everything we have and ever will have to have you back. Its amazing that no matter how hard you try or how much you want something you have no control of getting it. I'm not sure if its up to pure luck, or if you earn it. I've never worked so hard, or wanted something so badly. I just feel angry, grumpy that I lost you both. It has been very hard for me to accept. I'm not ready. It is so weird watching people live around me when all I want to do is freeze time and be with you. It hurts that people expect us to go back to normal, to return to work, to return to routine activities, to celebrate, to go out. We need time, we don't know how much time. I have never dealt with anything like this. I don't know many people who have. Its the worst feeling in the world. Four weeks ago today was one of the happiest days of my life. Today it is a memory. I pray I will always have the happy memory of you. Your deaths have been a tight wire wrapped around my chest. It hurts all the time.

I miss you more than you will ever know.

Daddy took this picture of you Grace

Daddy took this of you Wyatt

I couldn't believe how tiny you were

look at that sweet foot

I loved touching you

Slideshow

Hi my sweet angels, I am so tired today. We had such a busy weekend. Today daddy woke up and went to donate blood. I decided to stay home and clean up a bit. We have been so busy we haven't really taken care of much. I need to do laundry, make the bed and put some dishes away. I also did some dusting and wrote some of our thank you notes. We have so much to be thankful for its important to make sure everyone knows we appreciate all they do for us. I added our slide show to youtube so others could watch it. I hope through our story we are able to touch more lives and help others through their sadness and bring them hope and some peace. I love you both more than anything. I hope your having a blast in heaven! This is the link to the youtube video: enjoy!!
http://youtu.be/MhUwqwxbLqk

Celebrating you

Hi my angels,
I love you so much and am so proud of you both. You have brought so much love into our lives. It's amazing to see the support we have from our families and friends. So many people cheering us on and loving us through our pain. Today was amazing! I pray you were watching down on us from above and were laughing and smiling! I felt your love all around. In the breeze, the warm air, the laughter and smiles of all our family and friends. It was beyond amazing. So many people came out to show their love for you both, daddy and me. We had a jumper and the kids enjoyed bouncing around all day long! Christopher and Samuel were like little buddies running everywhere. Your cousin Logan and Noah hit it off and were inseparable too. They are so cute together and have a blast playing together. Papa Steve made delicious sandwiches and brought yummy salads. We had cake pops that Emily made that were  not only beautiful but also moist and delicious. We had drinks, a snow cone maker and a popcorn machiene. I think everyone really enjoyed themselves. Grammie and pop pop saved our spot early this morning and bought beautiful balloons and table clothes. Emily helped tie balloons down and Steven helped set everything up too. So many of our St Jude family members came to share their love for us and you. Dr gray came, our nurses, Josie, Vicky, Pam, Gail, Laurie Kay, Dr Patel it was so wonderful. We had so many of my wonderful Friends from home your aunties Jenny, Allie, Franny, Kelly, Paola, Erika, Brianne, Emily, Kristen and Sarah, Jen and Tenaya, malie and the boys too. Manuel came and Shawn also fredo and Jordan. The dolces came, daddy friends and their wives, our grandparents, and parents, aunts and uncles! It was so great! Katie was there and uncle kenny and aunt Jessica. Your cousins ran around and had a blast! We had a piñata that the kids broke so fast! It was great! Candy and sugar everywhere. I can only imagine you two running around having an absolute ball! Gosh I wish you were here so I could watch you grow up and enjoy life here. I made a movie and it came out great! I loved watching it and I think everyone who came loved it too! It made me happy to see you and to see so many people love you! You two changed so many lives, and although it was not the outcome we wanted it is our reality and in this reality we are very loved and supported. I can't imagine going through this without the love we have received and continue to receive. Aunts and uncles offering to spend time with just me. It's so nice! Now that I'm not at work full time I can take advantage of being with family and friends. I'm not in a rush to get home and get ready for the week. I actually get to relax a bit and take people in. I love absorbing everyone, their stories, their sweet children, them! I love one on one time. I can't wait to hang out with my grandma. She's the absolute best! Ahh I hope you felt the love today! It was inspiring and so amazing to see. Daddy and I love you more than anything. We got so many beautiful flowers today. Our friends brought us a yellow rose bush for you Wyatt and a beautiful white bush for you sweet grace! I am excited to plant them and watch them grow! 

I love you to heaven and back a million times. Kisses from mommy.

Remembering you

Hi my sweet angels,

Today was such a long and lovely day! So many people love you, mommy and daddy. It's truly amazing beyond words. Daddy and I are amazed daily at the generosity of family, friends, and complete strangers. We are so blessed to have such a strong support group. We have people who are willing to hold us and lift us up when we are not able to do it on our own. Today my heart has been so heavy with sadness and grief. I really feel sad. We did the oc walk to remember today. It was so beautiful. There were balloons, roses, and people everywhere. You could feel the love all around. Families and friends there to support one another through one of the most challenging times in life. It was truly beautiful to see. We had such a large group of supporters. We all walked together in remembrance of you. We walked the steps here on earth that you will never get to take. We got to hear your beautiful names called and daddy and I held onto each other as we were handed two white roses, one for each of you. We were able to share time with friends and family who we don't always get to be with, we talked and shared stories on the walk. I loved it. We plan on making it a yearly tradition, a remembrance day for you. We love you more than we can ever express, there are just not the right words. The way I feel about you is different than I've ever felt about anything in the world. I love you both so much and would give anything to have you here with us again. 

After the walk daddy and I walked through the booths gathering information on local bereavement groups. We have been looking for one to attend. There is one that starts soon in Fullerton, so not too far from us. We also got to share your story which was hard. We haven't shared it in a while since our close family and friends all know it. We are also going to start seeing a grief counselor. We are very hopeful it will bring us some peace. I've still been having  a hard time being home I miss you both so much and am so sad that you are gone. I just can't believe it. I feel like if I go back to the NICU you will be there growing stronger. When I wake up at night I think of you. I picture myself in the hospital in our old room. Room 525, I am cozy in bed, well as cozy as I could get. I see our bed side table near me with two water pitchers on top, I see our fan, the window with the curtains closed, the light from the hallway gently seeping through the bottom of the door. I feel you move inside my belly, and I feel peaceful. This is the only peace I am able to get right now. I think about being there every night and I hope so badly to wake up there with the largest belly ever. Life is amazing and completely un-believable. I cannot believe this is my reality. It breaks my heart and crushes my spirit. Its so nice to be able to talk to my friends who understand me. Not many people allow me to talk fully and honestly, most people want to hear that you are fine and then they change the subject quickly. I get it, its an awkward situation and really what can be said. Another thing that has been weighing on me and breaking my heart is friends avoiding me. Its hard, mostly its my friends that are pregnant, or who I was on bed rest with that have since delivered babies that are in the NICU, but thriving. I am so happy for them. I love hearing about their recovery and their babies. We supported each other for so long I feel like I not only lost you and so much of me, but I also lost my close friends, the ones who could relate to me and who cheered me on during my darkest days. Many of them told me that they have been avoiding me because they feel bad sharing their joys with me. That made me really sad. It brings me hope and joy to see others happy, it shows me that there is still good in this world, and its not all unjust. Of course I'm sad, and yes sometimes I will cry after or during our talks, but I'm not sad that you are ok or happy, I'm sad that my life didn't turn out the way we had hoped. 

Tomorrow is your celebration of life party! I am very excited about it. I think we will have a really large turn out. I think it will be a beautiful day filled with wonderful people. I hope it makes you smile to see how much work went into your special day and to see how many people love you!

I love you my angels