Lately

Lately... a spin off of the currently blog inspiration by the wonderful Kelly of ourlovelylives. 

Melting my heart: These two have been melting my heart. They are so sweet together and apart. They make me smile every. single. day. How lucky am I to have these two love bugs...

Reading: A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser. This book is about a man who tragically lost three generations of family in one tragic accident. It is his story of how he managed to wake up each day and raise his children in the aftermath. It allows me to question myself and my reason. While I don't agree with everything he writes its his journey to clarity and strength and I respect him for being so strong. 

Making me happy: This little lady makes me happy and brings a smile to my face so often. She is the sweetest little bundle of joy. I mean look at that sweet face! She is perfect. I have also been spending my time enjoying my family and friends. I have been so consumed by darkness and trying to find my own light that I let so many fun activities pass me by. I have been making an effort to make more dates and embrace life while it is around me.

 Ian and Harvey here. Ian slept over and then we spent the day hiking peters canyon. The weather couldn't have been more perfect! Afterwards we went to a favorite resturant of mine, Native Foods. We shared lunch and some delicious lavender lemonade. So good!

Harvey and Me on our hike. Taking a little break in the shade. My sweet baby boy always insists on wearing his fur coat. :)

                                                                Happy girl Mila 

We are all proud to wear our Team Gracie and Wyatt shirts. Even Mila matches us!!

 Megan surprised Matt and I with a fun filled day at Disneyland!!! We live so close but have never gone together. I haven't been there since senior year...dear that was 10 years ago! eeps... it was my third time in the park and best by far. I LOVED Tower of terror!!!! OMG I could ride it a million times. It was a perfect day, it wasn't crowded at all so we got to stroll around without the hustle of people. Laura and Samuel even met up with us. 

Matt and I in front of the castle..

 I went to Irvine regional park with Erika, Noah and Asher. It was really fun. Noah got to ride a pony, the train and see a lot of cute fun animals at their little zoo:)

Matt and Chris had a sleepover while Ryan and Ian were away at camp. We went for a nice walk, ate dinner, played Yahtzee and stayed up way too late! 

Day hike with Harvey and Matt

Watching: Oldies but goodies... We have been collecting old Disney movies whenever we find them in the store. We are one of the few people who still have a VCR... Haha We love watching them. We forgot how good they are.

I also got to watch a fun Clippers game with my Uncle Pete, Samuel and Laura. This family knows how to have fun and its always a blast being around them! The evening started out with a delicious dinner, then we moved to the court to watch the game and eat more goodies. Samuel and I polished a bag of sour patch kids off faster than you could say sour patch kids! They melted in my mouth wonderfully with my clipper size beer! After the game the kids got to go down and shoot hoops on the court! What a fun adventure!

Eating: All things fresh! Harvey and I are on a mission to get back in shape. "our hips aren't lying for us anymore" haha we have been growing so many things that we just pick and eat whatever we want. For everything else we go to Sam's farmers market and grab it! We have been cooking machines. We also celebrated a late thanksgiving and had a yummy family taco night! Megan's dad has also provided us with an endless supply of amazing oranges! YUM!!!

I woke up to a box of cookies delivered to my front door with a beautiful yellow bow. My sweet friend Lori sent them to me all the way from Indiana to help brighten my week up! They are amazing. Harvey and I decided we could walk a little extra after eating the whole box! (Disclaimer: we did share one with Matt)

Egg, fresh cherry tomatoes, onions and cheese have been my staple for breakfast lately! I can't get enough. I ate 5 of them today. 

 A picture of our taco night fixings. I love tacos and love them even more with family and friends!!

Our very late turkey dinner. I love thanksgiving. It is my all time favorite holiday. So Yummy...

Working on: So many art projects from front door wreaths, to baby shower gifts to our garden. Oh and myself! 

Got crafty and made this for the front door. Matt loved it!

 My sweet Harvey looking so proud in front of his beautiful garden! We have been growing Arugula, red lettuce, celery, onions, chives, rosemary, tomatoes, strawberries, snap peas, kale, bok choy, bell peppers, artichokes and mint to name a few...so good, so juicy so fresh!

                                                I think succulents are such pretty plants.

Harvey makes watering the plants nearly impossible. 

Loving this face... 

Looking forward to: Dinner with my friends for my birthday. Some of my girlfriends are making me dinner Saturday night. Its girls only which is great since Matt will be at work. I am also looking forward to going to the Aquarium with Kelly and Maja. I love the Aquarium, the penguins are visiting, penguins are adorable. I am excited to see Maja's face as she experiences it all! So excited!!! I'm also looking forward to new beginnings and adventures.

Matt and me at Benihanas for birthday Sushi! If you love benihana you should sign up for their birthday club. You get 30.00 to use the month of your birthday. We go for lunch and end up paying for the tip only! Such a nice treat! 

Thinking about: You every second of every minute of every single hour of every day! You are never far from my mind my sweet littles. I miss you. I think of what we would be doing. How much you would weigh, what outfits you would be wearing. I think of how your sweet smiles would look, how your voices would sound, if you would be screamers....I think of you always. 

I have also been thinking about how things work out in life. Not always how we plan, but we never know the end until we reach it. Just like a book life is a story and it would be quite boring if we already knew the end. I wish I knew the outline though heehee. I also have been thinking about how lucky I was to have met Megan in the hospital. We have become such great friends and if we had both had healthy normal pregnancies we wouldn't have met. I am grateful to know her and have her in my life. She is so bubbly, so kind, so happy. I love being around her. Her spirit and positivity are infectious! 

Harvey and me soaking in the warm sunshine. We are creating our own happiness...

 A birthday present from Megan. Reminding me to do what I do best...HOPE! She even sealed it with Harvey's stamp of approval and used your and Mila's birthstone color as the band:)

 Me, Tinne, and Megan at Disneyland all wearing our Gracie and Wyatt shirts. Megan and Tinne surprised me with a matching Disney jacket for my birthday. It is so so soft and so warm! I love it. We all love and miss you and wish you were here with us to share in all the adventures and craziness we have to offer.

Not sure if I ever posted a picture of Matt after his pinning. He will have a large pinning ceremony in December once he officially passes his probation. He looks so happy here. He is so handsome and so sweet. Look at those dimples...My heart just melted...

Megan and I spotted two beautiful ladybugs on our strawberry plant. I think ladybugs are a sign of good luck! We think of you always. 

Thank you Kel for the inspiration to do a currently/lately blog. Such a wonderful and fun idea.. 

DIYing...i

So many of you know that I have become OBSESSED with making everything and anything myself. After Grace and Wyatt passed away I was in such a dark place, I never slept, cried all the time, didn't eat anything substantial and consumed handfuls of pills to help mask my feelings. It was awful! Thanks to an amazing friend I was introduced to Doterra natural oils and have been utilizing them in every way imaginable. I have always been a fan of natural healing, growing my own herbs and goodies and hoping for the best. If you are ready to take charge of your own health look into these oils. They rock. They can be used to anything! I eat them, rub them on my body, rub them on Harvey, and diffuse them. They are so good, they are 100% natural and they make me feel good inside. Let me know if you want any information on them. You can also go online to youtube and look them up. The stories are amazing and so exciting. Of course they work, they are natural things that we would find in the wild. There are no side effects and they smell divine. 


Here are a few of my latest makes....

Toothpaste: Its so easy and so good! I love the flavor, and my teeth feel so silky smooth after brushing.I make different flavors depending on what I want. I have made Wintergreen, Peppermint, Spearmint, and Cinnamon!!!

Dish soap: I love the smell of Lavender. I use lavender soap and water as my base and blend in some lavender, lemon and ongaurd oils. This helps kill germs and provide a fresh scent! Love it:)

Laundry detergent: Super easy to use and make. I use castile soap and blend it up. Then I heat it up with some water until it dissolves completely. Next I mix in my essential oils and washing soda and borax, stir, let sit for 24 hours and we have our own soap! I love how it smells. Even Matt loves it and he was a skeptic at first :)


I diffuse Serenity nightly to help me sleep. I also rub lavender on the soles of my feet. It's funny, my feet carry me through each day and I rarely spend the time thanking them or rubbing them. I realized this a few nights ago as I spent a few minutes rubbing my feet. Why not treat them well since they are so good to me :) 


During the day I diffuse citrus bliss or elevation. It helps pull me through the occasional drops in my mood. Im not saying I never get sad or cry, but when I do its nice to smell something beautiful and uplifting. 

For Matty I diffuse eucalyptus and breathe. He snores and sometimes I swear a carpenter is working besides me. They have helped him so much. I also use Deep Blue on him after he gets home from work. I rub it on his sore muscles and he loves it.

Harvey got really dry and itchy skin this winter. It has never been so bad. He LOVES to shower and we had to tell him no because we didn't want him to dry more. Well after researching and reading I made him a tea tree peppermint bath soap. We also made him an oatmeal bath with oatmeal, Lavender and Chamomile. He didn't love soaking in the bath as much as I do, but was a happy boy after. I also rub lavender on his belly and paws when he is itching. It not only helps calm him, but it totally helps with the scratching. He looks stoned too! haha

Harvey was not excited to stand in the bath... haha that face

looks like he made a full recovery

Some yummy dishes with our home growns...

Homemade pizza with our very own tomatoes, onions and fresh basil! We are having a basil take over! haha

French onion soup... so yummy!!!

Do you have any DIY recipes that you want to share?

Ignorance is bliss...

Today was a very very relaxing day. I spent most of the day sleeping on the couch with Harvey laying besides me. He's a true friend. He senses when I need him and his love never waivers. Matt was out much of the day with his mom and then ran errands for me. He filled my gas tank up and got my car smogged so we could pay the registration, he even bought me a "surprise" birthday gift! I hate surprises and I really didn't need anything for my birthday so I instantly asked if it could be returned. He laughed and said it hasn't even arrived and you want to return it?! Haha well ok I guess one surprise gift is acceptable. Very sweet and very thoughtful of him. 

Our communication has been insanely good lately and I feel very fortunate for that. About three weeks ago we committed to trying harder at working on us and our relationship. We were both in such dark places that it was hard to connect on a lighter level. We had expectations of one another that were absurd and constantly set us up for disappointments and failures. We carved a few hours out of our day and made two lists. One was our personal expectations in our relationship as a husband/wife. The second was a list of expectations we had for each other. We read them aloud and compromised on the expectations we didn't agree on. It was HUGE! So many expectations he had that I never knew. we were very specific and set timelines on our expectations. One of Matt's was after getting off work he expected to come home and decompress. His expectation of decompressing was to greet Harvey, maybe walk him, sit at the computer and check stocks, shower, eat and then nap for a few hours before delving into me time. This allowed him to recharge his batteries and really focus on me. Had he not written his exact expectations out I would have seen him on the computer and thought wow what a mean husband. He worked two whole days and now wants to sit in front of the computer and not with me?! It was good to learn and understand what he needs to be the best husband to me. He also learned what I need from him and has been really making a big effort to meet me where I need him. If you have been married two days or twenty years I recommend making a list. It can only help enhance your relationship and communication. We kept our lists to review every now and then. One rule was not to punish the other for falling short on an expectation. Like if Matt's expectation is to take the trash out while he's home and he doesn't I can't get mad at him. If I choose to take it out that's my choice and I'm doing it out of love for him. I cannot come home and say well I took the trash out for you. It's pretty cool when he notices it and thanks me;) it makes it that much more special knowing that he acknowledged me doing something little like that to lighten his load. 

Today I got a really nice note along with a beautiful "fertility" bracelet. My friend mailed it to me and said she had been wanting to share it with me for sometime. She said it is thought to bring beauty, ease and peace. It was beautiful and so thoughtful. It's beautiful with pink and blue beads. She said it made her think of Grace and Wyatt. After opening this bracelet and putting it on Matt and I started talking about fertility and possibly thinking about having a family again. It's been in our heads forever but has been hard to talk about since we have had so many set backs. Most of you know we went through fertility treatments, 2 miscarriages, 9 rounds of iui, painful ivf cycles where I overstimulated and had to be drained multiple times, cysts that needed to be removed and aspirated, a successful pregnancy, the emergency c-section delivery of our sweet twins Grace and Wyatt. Losing Grace and Wyatt 5 short days later, cremating our babies, learning to live with the pain of our loss, hope for a surrogate that didn't  work out times two, further medical complications that just came to light within recent weeks.... It's been a LONG road to say the very least. Anyway we started talking about fertility and pregnancy and Matt said he was afraid. He was so nervous and worried. He said he could never look at a pregnancy with peace and hope again. It's all so frightening. Being ignorant is really the best gift of all. I mean most woman concieve and their embryos implant and grow. We require manipulation, medication, loads of hormone therapy, bed rest and then pray our embryo took. Then if our embryo does take we are freaked out the entire first trimester, and even then there is no gaurentee that the baby will survive the pregnancy, or delivery. It's absolutely 100% terrifying. Without having a complete panic attack I wondered if it's better to not try ever again. If we don't try then we can never be let down again. We won't spend 9+ months fretting about the worst. It's so hard to be hopeful and optimistic after the road we have traveled. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to find peace in a pregnancy where your prior one resulted in infant death? I know there are books that we have purchased to read on the topic of trying again after loss, but personal experience is invaluable. I know my therapist can and will work with me on this topic. I so miss the days of being naive......

Here's the hope that peace can and will be found one day when I need it. Until then thank you for the amazing friends who hope for me when I'm not strong enough to do so for myself! You truly are amazing, and I'm so grateful to have you all in my life. 

On a sweet and sensitive note from a daddy: 
Matt was very distant the last two days. I was concerned of course but wanted to give him his space. Today he came home and just held me. I thought oh no what happened, what did i do? What did he do? What bad news is he going to share? He gently said that he was struggling. He said he misses Grace and Wyatt so much and wants them here with us. They would be 4 months now;) we think of all the things we would be doing, that they would be doing. Matt went to my brother Ryan's play. He had a pretty big part this year and Matt was so proud of him. While he sat there in the theater Matt couldn't help but melt at the parents that applauded their kids, that beamed with joy as their littles took stage and sang or recited a few lines. His heart dropped thinking that he will never have that opportunity with Grace or Wyatt. It was a hard thing for him and I'm so glad he felt comfortable enough to share his feelings with me. He is an amazing man and father. I'm so proud of him. 

Bedtime

Bedtime,  in theory I should love bedtime. It's when rest happens. When the mind slows for a few hours and the body works to build up the courage and strength to work another day. I used to love bedtime. Sleep, my soft pillow, mr bear... Ah. I'm so tired of not sleeping. I come to bed exhausted. I rub lavender on the soles of my feet. I diffuse lavender and serenity for hours. I long so much to rest. My mind never stops though. It goes and goes and goes. I'm so tired of thinking. Night time is the hardest. It's dark and quiet in the room and I can't stop thinking of you. I think of how you look and smell. I think of how you would sound squealing and babbling. I think of seeing you smile, moving your sweet hands and tracking objects with your eyes. I can't stop thinking. 

I try self soothing. It sounds funny but I really try. I rub and twirl my hair, I rub and massage my legs and feet. I rub my feet against the sheets softly. I reposition a million times and still struggle to find the drop off to peace. Daddy sleeps at the station two nights a week. Then when he comes home I move so much and self soothe so loudly that he sometimes sleeps downstairs:( it makes me sad but I know he needs and deserves his rest. I'm just jealous because I want some too. 

I try reading, I look on pinterest, I walk downstairs and then come back up. I just can't stop thinking long enough to sleep. When I do finally fall asleep its a yucky sleep. I toss and turn. I wake up to pee, I have vivid scary dreams. I try to remember my dreams so I can think about them during the day. I Try to see what my subconscious mind is trying to tell me. Some are extremely disturbing and I need to tell daddy or my therapist about them. Others I can digest and dissolve on my own. 

Gosh I want to sleep. I don't want drugs that will make me sleep. We tried them before and they didn't work. I don't want to become dependent on medications either but what should I do? Boo...

On a side note Harvey and I have been working out a lot! Harvey had a vet check up two weeks ago where we learned that he gained 11lbs in one year! Yikes!!! The vet kindly asked what I'd fed him. The same three cups a day no change. Exception: Harvey used to be walked 2-3 miles daily then when I got placed on bed rest he stopped completely. Then I was in such a funk once I got home we rarely went out. I started gaining weight too. I haven't been one who cares much about weight gain as long as I feel good and my clothes fit I'm happy. Well my pants started getting tighter and my shirts popped out and I was looking about 4 months pregnant. No big deal of course, but for Harvey's sake we decided to start working out better. We hiked 9miles this week and walked 6 so far! We are pumped and excited to do more. He is so good at encouraging me and is the best partner. He takes rest breaks and smiles the entire time. He never complains and is very appreciative. I've noticed my pants Loosen this week instantly and also noticed an increase in Harvey's appetite. Haha little cutie! 

Ian went hiking with us yesterday which was nice. He held a great pace and is so sweet and nice to be around. We made tacos for dinner and grandma Gwen, Jeanne and the boys all came over. Today was busy too! We had a repair guy come look at our floors. The tiles need repairing soon as they are cracking and the grout is escaping. Then I met Erika, Noah and Asher at the irvine park. It was so fun and so sweet watching Noah enjoy it all. He got to go on a pony ride, visit a petting zoo, and walk around their little zoo exhibit and go for a train ride. The zoo was probably my favorite part. There was a crazy bob cat that was eyeing toddlers. It was crouched down licking its chops! Scary!! Haha crazy how us  animals are! 

After the park I had a delicious dinner with Megan, her sweet family, Tinne and hers. It was fun, loud and entertaining. Ava and Mila were angels. We played LCR a dice game I've never played. It was very easy and fun. Megan and Yaojen won the pot;) when I got home I took harvey out to potty and then got ready for bed!!! Ahhh be that thing I'm laying in :/ 

Somedays

Somedays are just harder than others. It's hard to know when I will have a hard day. When something will spark a flame and cause me to melt down. When my eyes burn, my nose tingles and my throat throbs. It just happens, life is going and then bam it stops and forces me to acknowledge it. 

Today was that day. After days, even dare I say weeks of feeling ok I crashed. I think of Grace and Wyatt every single day. It's imbedded in my mind, almost like I know my name is Andrea. My brain just functions with them surrounding it. Like they always existed. I think of them even when I'm not thinking, I smile when I see things that remind me of them. When I see a tree growing blossoms, or a mommy pushing her baby in a stroller. I see them everywhere, always they are with me. I've learned to move differently with them, with myself. To be more gentle than necessary. I am fragile and cracked and so easily broken. I applaud myself for the  smallest of things, they give me the courage to do the bigger things. 

As I sit here crying with Harvey looking at me concerned I smirk thinking why was today hard? I had lunch with a beautiful and caring friend. I got to visit Megan and Mila which always brings a smile to my face and joy to my day. I went for a lovely walk with Harvey in the brisk winter night. I ate delicious leftovers and enjoyed water with lemon oil. I turned the heater on to keep warm and read. In many respects a good day. I am alive, I have food, friends, family and a home. 

During lunch my friend said, " at the end of the day we don't have cancer. We are not sitting at the bedside watching our child die from it." true. I cannot fathom the pain those parents feel, knowing their babies are slowly slipping away from them. I hate that! I hate even more that we live in a world where people, kids nonetheless get cancer! It makes me so mad! Another issue I have with "God" 

I've heard so many people tell me lately that the sadness in this life is caused by the "sin" of humans. Ugh really?! My babies died because humankind sucks?! Really? Dumb!! I've had so many thoughts run through my mind. So many what ifs. So much I wish I had fought for while I was still pregnant. I feel like I should have been better educated before getting pregnant. I feel like I was naive to the complications that could have arisen. So much that I have learned. So much I will help others know! In the future I will fight for my body, for my heart and for my rights! 

Today is a hard day... All triggered by many things added up, topped off by a groupon that was going to expire. As I went online to make a calendar for a friend, Grace and Wyatt's pictures popped up and I wept. I hate this.

Who am I?

What a loaded question. Who am I? I'm a sinner and a saint, I am brutally honest and a liar. I behave and misbehave. I tend to follow the law but choose when to break it. I am a mom and again I'm not really a mom. Does it count to be a mom if your babies live somewhere else? Does being good really matter when no one is watching? 

Lately I've been thinking, living and working on me. Finally taking the time to find out who I really am. What I like, dislike, deserve and hope for. I am learning to set boundaries and my goodness it's probably one of the hardest things to do. I struggle daily with it. I want people to count on me, to like me, to feel comfortable with me and to trust me, but man that's exhausting always being that person! I'm tired and drained and empty and can't fill myself up when I give it all out. I'm learning so much about myself and others. I need boundaries to be healthy;)

It's funny how little we humans know about life and living. We make choices daily that are so self absorbed and selfish. I'm not saying its wrong, I have been very selfish lately. I have not been the best of friends. I don't find myself calling friends, reaching out to say hello, reaching out to talk to people who I haven't talked to. I have been a terrible friend in those regards and I was ashamed and upset with myself. I was mad because yesterday marked 4 months since Grace and Wyatt were born. 4 months! That's how old my babies would be today if they were still alive! 4 months and I've been a bad friend because I've been inside mourning the loss of my children, my future with them, my hopes my dreams and now my friends that have too since disappeared. It's crazy to me how one second I was so close and bonded to someone and the next we are like mere acquaintances. How someone I thought would be in my life forever is now a minor part of my life. How someone who I spoke to daily is someone I now speak to maybe monthly if I reach out. It's weird to me and I can't absorb it into my stuffed head. I was mad that I hadn't gotten over my grief, that I hadn't gotten back on the wagon and become a regular person again. I was judging myself without thinking of how anyone in my shoes would feel. How dare I rush my grief, or place a specific timeline on myself. I give myself the permission to grieve for as long as needed. I am sad and hurt by the friends and family who have walked away from me because I wasn't strong enough to walk beside them sooner.

This year I am allowing myself to eliminate people who make me feel icky inside! Talk about hard!!! It has been brutal! I hated how I felt inside with certain people. I became someone I didn't know. Negative thoughts filled my head the entire time I was with them, thoughts of how negative they were or how much they complained or how they didn't appreciate what they had right in front of them. It made me upset and crazy! My poor heart beat faster than normal and I was anxious. I hate those feelings! I want to surround myself with people who make me feel lighter and fluffier inside, who bring the light out of me not the dark. People who try to be more positive than negative. I want to be more positive and it's infectious!! I need that right now because it's too easy for me to be dark after this pain and loss. I need that encouragement to be happy and sunny. to be beautiful and kind, and that's what my body wants! 

I don't owe anyone anything. Im an equal opportunity friend;) haha super cheesy I know! I want to shout out and thank the friends and family who have stood by me on this journey, who have shined a light into my darkness, who have carried my shoes when I couldn't, and who threw me over their shoulders to carry me on. I am disappointed in the family and friends who haven't been supportive. Those who thought avoiding me or being silent was the best option. Those who decided pretending my babies didn't die or even exist for that matter was a good option. Those who thought buying a thoughtful Christmas present was a substitution for not once picking the phone up or sending an email to say hey I'm thinking of you, or we love you. Grrr!!! Come on people! If I've learned anything on this crummy journey it's how to be a better friend to other in need. I can't tell you how many people have contacted me on this journey for help in their darkness. Its been a pearl that I've been able to share with others on this journey. 

I am a good friend. I am a woman who lost a lot of her life suddenly and I am doing the best I can. I wake up everyday and take Harvey outside! I get dressed, put blush and Chapstick on and walk into the world. I clean my house and I make meaningful visits with meaningful people who want to spend quality time making our world better. I am proud of the woman I am today. I am proud to be Harveys mom, Grace and Wyatt's mom. I am a great friend. I have a lot to offer and I try to be helpful when I can. I am a good daughter, I love a lot. I am a great wife. I'm a cheerleader and a ball of love and encouragement. I speed sometimes and I lie when I think it's the right thing to do. I'm not perfect I'm perfectly imperfect! That's who I am. 

Ugh

I miss you so much right now. Gosh I always miss you but this moment my nose stings and my eyes are swollen with tears. I want you here so badly. I want to hold you, to kiss you, to watch you grow, smile, nurse. God I want to smell your sweet smells ad change all your diapers. I want to be busy with you, to be sore from carrying you, to nap with you and be awake with you. How is it possible that you both died and so many babies younger and smaller than you live? I hate this! I absolutely hate this! I should have you here today. I should be your mommy. Instead I'm alone. Grrr yell!!!

Resolution

I've never been one for resolutions. I find most of them silly and disappointing. Usually people quit before they even start, or they set goals that are so unrealistic they fail. Failure is hard, discouraging and depressing. This year I didn't make any resolutions. I was content with that until I went to my regular therapy session and started digging deeper inside my brain. So many questions and possibilities emerged. 

As words tumbled out of my mouth and landed on my therapists ears he sat silent looking at me. He said I was getting stronger.  I was no longer crawling. I was standing. I'm still awkward and learning how to do things but I'm learning. I'm finding out who Andrea is. My therapist told me I had some decisions to make that we're important. I needed to evaluate my life and see what caused me anxiety or conflict. Then I needed to look at those things and decide if I was willing to live with that level of conflict. If not I needed to immediately rid myself of those things in order to make myself stronger, more independent and happier in my own life. He asked some really hard questions. He asked me how I valued certain people, he asked about family, children and work. I think we were both surprised with my answers. He was proud of me. I was beginning to feel. I was raw yet healing.

When I left the office I walked out lighter. I am healing. I am lighter. I am and have changed a lot. I like who I am. I like who I was also, but I care less about how others perceive me now. I no longer need to "fix myself"  to make me fit into what someone else needs. This is me, take it or leave it. I like the sound of that. It's totally empowering! I feel like spiderman ready to crawl up walls and conquer bad guys! 

As I drove home I thought of what I wanted. I want to be happy. I will work harder at accepting myself, at embracing me for the girl I am inside, not the girl I've been trying to be. I don't need people to accept me. I don't need long hair, tan skin and big boobs to feel beautiful. I am beautiful! I am caring, genuine and honest! I love fearlessly and always will. As I sit here thinking of how I got here and the pain that brought me to my knees I am thankful. Although I would give the new me back in a second for Grace and Wyatt to be here in my arms and healthy I believe they are smiling at their momma. They are happy that I am becoming a stronger more independent woman for their siblings. When I have kids one day I will know better how to set my boundaries. I will be someone that is polite yet firm. I will earn respect rather than likings. I will do what makes me happy and is right for my family. 

This year I resolve to embrace the change that's blossoming within me. Accept the empowerment and shine in my own beauty, and lastly I commit to stop trying to change myself to fix others.