Christmas

Christmas

Gah the holidays are SO hard! For some reason Christmas is the hardest for me. I'm not sure if its because you were due before Christmas or if it's because there is so much going on I realize just how much you are missing. This year has been bittersweet. I miss you both like crazy and want to honor your memories. I also want to make sure your little sister feels loved and knows how wanted she was. I hope that she grows up knowing how much we adore her and how she was such a gift for us. I really hope she never gets jealous of you or feels like a replacement. I can imagine what a hard spot it must be for her, I only hope I can raise her to know how much of a gift she is in our lives. I hope I will teach her love, and always tell her how you two brought her to us as the most precious gift. A miracle gift that helped seal the gaping hole in our hearts and taught us to push forward more

Bravely. I am forever grateful for her and am so overwhelmed with even e love for her. My heart feels so tight with love that it could explode. I picture you a lot, I wonder what we would have done together. I imagine you walking and talking, playing as siblings. I think

Of Harvey with you and it makes me smile. You are perfect angels and I will always love you. You got daddy and your sister little things for Christmas. We will always include you and remember you my sweet angels. You are loved. 

Weekend adventures

Today was a super fun packed day for us!! We woke up pretty early. M didn't sleep that well. She wanted to be really close and have her mouth on my boob all night. She was groaning and kicking a lot too. I think she was struggling going potty. We went to Ralph's to pick up some juice and last minute goodies for our breakfast. Rebecca and Todd came over and we had a delicious meal! Eggs, potatoes, fruit and cinnamon French toast casserole! Yum! We talked and looked at baby stuff. They are expecting their sweet rainbow in March! I know the anticipation is hard, but they are doing so great! I can't wait to meet their miracle.. It's been such a gift walking alongside them on their journey.  After breakfast I did some chores with M. We did laundry, dishes and more laundry. Then we went to the store again to get ice cream for Matt's station. We visited for a bit which was fun. He's working so much lately it's nice to share a few minutes together as a family even if it is at a station. After our visit I drove to San Pedro to spend the night with my family. They scrubbed the house before we came over to make sure it was nice and clean for M. Uncle Chris called to verify that M could only visit if the house was clean. haha I confirmed and he was the biggest helper getting the chores done. My brothers are SO stinking cute with M!! I love watching them coddle her and smile at her. They are so thoughtful. They all wash their hands immediately before even asking me if they can hold her. They hold her so gently and are so naturally loving. It makes my heart so happy to watch them with her. Such a treat. My dad cooked us dinner which was nice. He's a great cook!! He even cut my food up for me so I could eat. It was cute, made me feel like a little girl again haha! After dinner we watched a movie and ate ice cream!! Yummy!! Jen came to visit us and gave M lots of love and cuddles. It was really nice just relaxing and sharing the evening with my sweet family and wonderful friend. Sunday was another fun filled day. We had breakfast and then went for a nice walk. Afterwards M and I drove to my grandmas to hang out with her. It was nice to have her all to ourselves. We did tummy time and just enjoyed one another. She is one of my favorite people in the world. I just love being around her.  After time with grandma we met Franny, Frans momma and Jenny. We drove to la to look at wedding dresses!!! It was so fun watching Fran try on dresses. It made me so teary eyed. I am so excited to watch my two best friends get married next year!!! They are going to be the most beautiful brides ever!!! Ahh two weddings will be so fun. After we got home from la we ate a yummy dinner that frans dad cooked. Then I headed to my parents to pick Harvey up and to visit a bit more. We were beyond exhausted by the time we finally got home. We showered and went to bed! We are truly blessed. Of course I wish life could have been different. The journey has been hard, almost unbearable at times, but through the darkness I saw the light, and that light is getting sweeter each second that passes. I never imagined the light being so soft, so pure and so enjoyable after all we had endured, but it is. I've found hope again and it's amazing to be a part of. I'm so grateful.

Fun visiting Daddy at work

A thoughtful day

Today was a happy day! This morning we woke up and sang some songs in bed. While we were singing Harvey heard us and ran upstairs. I invited him into bed with us and he eagerly hopped up. We kept singing and I was able to snap a few shots of him with M. So cute!! After song time we changed and went for a nice walk. After that we ate breakfast and headed out. We had some appointments and then went to visit a fellow tac sister and friend. She is on bed rest with her baby girl due any second!!! Afterwards M and I headed home where I had high hopes of working out. Well little M had other plans. She needed her mommy. I set her down three different times and all three times she cried. She was very upset which concerned me so we decided I would just hold and nurse her. I was a bit worried she might not be feeling well. She did great in my arms though, so I just enjoyed each second knowing the seconds ticked closer to a day where my arms would be viewed differently to her. I want to cherish each second she allows me to have her in them. We met Matt and his parents for dinner. They leave for a nice cruise saturday. Dinner was tasty!! I really enjoy food. Ha a silly realization but I sure do! On the way home we got to talk to Jeanne which was fun. I am lucky to have such awesome family and friends in my life to love. We got home and I fed M, then changed her, then fed her again and rocked her to sleep. Then I ran downstairs to wash laundry, fold it and do dishes. It felt good. I also separated the beautiful flowers Matt surprised us with into a few bunches! Then I spread them trough the house, our room, the bathrooms, living room, table, windows.. Ahh they are so beautiful! It was such a rare and lovely surprise. Matt's not a flower giving type of guy. I think he's only gotten me flowers maybe three times in our relationship. Luckily I'm not a huge need flowers kind of girl, although I do believe if someone is going to ever spend money on flowers for me they need to do it while I'm alive and can enjoy them! Heehee anyway  I walked in today and there on the table sat 3 dozen roses!!! One for each of his special girls.. Momma, Micaela and Grace. Of course I cried! It was so thoughtful and so touching that he included the girls!! I just loved it. It made my whole day, week, month. Such a thoughtful thing to do. It really warmed my heart. They were so beautiful, each a different color.  Earlier in the day I called a friend of mine to say hello and let her know she was on my mind. She laughed and told me she had just left the doctors office. She is pregnant with her rainbow and it's been an emotional journey to say the least. I wanted to tell her how amazing being a mommy to a rainbow was! It dawned on me this week just how amazing this is. I miss Grace and Wyatt everyday, I think of them all the time, but my thoughts aren't as heavy as they were before. They aren't as filled with hurt and pain. They are lighter, crisp, full of hope and love. I think of them but its happy thoughts not devastation. I was worried about how I would feel bringing M home. Would I love her enough, would she always be raised in her siblings shadow, would I love her too much. I think it's been just perfect. She helps me see so much joy. I can't imagine a day without her sweet face in it and I think of the beautiful big brother and sister who made her survival possible. I am so grateful for the sacrifice they made to help educate me and save her. It's a sweet joy that's bittersweet and hard to explain. You know what I mean when you feel it, and although I hope you never do, it's a sugar that's sweeter than any other.

Scary boobs

When I was 7 months pregnant I found a lump in my left breast after taking a bath one night. Of course I panicked! After all we have gone through I thought of course what's a little breast cancer to go with it. I asked my Ob what he thought and he told me to keep an eye on it. We decided to see if it resolved after my supply came in. If it didn't we would reevaluate the situation. Now this is where I would like to share some pearls of wisdom. For years I naively kept my cell phone tucked into my bra. It allowed for me to use the vibrate mode rather than volume and know if I was getting a phone call or text. Never once did I think that it could cause cancer. Never once did I read the phone Manuel from cover to cover. If I had I would have seen in extremely small print, 10 pages in that there is a risk of cancer from using a cell phone. I could have puked a million times. My heart sank to the floor. Me, being dumb for so many years unknowingly could be the reason I now had a mysterious lump in my breast. If you or anyone you know wears their phone warn them. If you don't believe me google phones and cancer. More specifically and personally google cell phones and breast cancer and you will see exactly what's happening to young women. Scary!!!
So on to my story... After we had M my lump remained. It didn't grow or shrink. My supply came in as it had with Grace and Wyatt. M was eating well and life was progressing as it should have. At my 2 week follow up my dr checked it and told me it needed to be monitored. Of course I panicked. Anxiety galore! I cried imagining life without me. It sounds super cheesy but I was so sad that I might not have the opportunity to watch M grow. I was excited to be reunited with Grace and Wyatt and excited to not have the pain that comes with an earthly existence but I felt angry and robbed. Finally my dreams of becoming a parent to a living child and now I might die?! Ugh... Anyway it was a rough two week wait. Matt and I talked about our options. We discussed my treatment desires, our wishes, and what we planned to do with the results. We talked about life without me, and that was hard. We laughed and joked but in all seriousness we were freaked the f out! I didn't share this with many people because it causes me anxiety to actually acknowledge things. I didn't want everyone around me panicked. Matt and I were stressed enough. Jeanne and my Grandma came with me to my first appointment. They were so wonderful. They took me to lunch and made me feel very calm. They watched M while I was in the back seeing the dr and getting my tests done. It was crazy. M did so great. She was hungry but she took a bottle like a champ for them. I was so relieved. I was very nervous she wouldn't take the bottle and would cry. Anyway... The week of my appointment I almost backed out. I'm not sure if it was fear or what. I thought everything was fine, I'm young, healthy and am wasting my and my families time going. Jeanne took the day off work to go with me, and I felt bad canceling. I also had a small voice in my head telling me two things... One I would possibly be consumed with thoughts about what it could be, and second thoughts of what healthcare might be like next year. How getting the appointment I need could be more of a challenge. I am glad I decided to go. I was brave. I honestly thought they would say oh it's nothing go home.... But to my surprise they didn't. The ultrasound tech was lovely. She made nice conversation and was very sweet. We were taking about our kids when she suddenly got quiet and said wait one second. She then squirt gel lower, below my breast and into my armpit. I watched the screen as she scanned and scanned. She pushed buttons and then changed the monitor to evaluate the blood flow to the area in question. My stomach sank. I know what blood flow can indicate. The pace of my heart picked up a bit. She was still quiet. She set her wand down and said she would be right back. I sat with my left breast completely exposed while she went to get the dr. The dr arrived and was just as kind. He took my hand in his and said that he was sorry to inform me that the lump had a lot of blood flow going to it and while the probability of it being benign was high he was uncomfortable enough that he wanted to investigate further. He told me what it entailed and got a deeper health history. Fertility treatments, being on the pill for over a decade, and holding my phone in my bra were all negative points towards me. Boohoo. I walked out a bit deflated. They wanted to do a biopsy ASAP, but due to my vitamin regimen I had to wait 7 days. Seven long days of wondering.. Thinking.. Worrying.. Agh... For my biopsy Matt came with me. It was his first time having M alone. I pumped so he would have milk if she needed it. We had lunch and then headed to the dr. Matt carried M in our wrap. It was the sweetest thing ever!! They both enjoyed it. When we arrived they took me back quickly and went through the process quickly because they all knew M was patiently waiting in the lobby. They explained the procedure to me, the potential complications and the result turn around time. I walked into the procedure room and again took my left boob out. The dr was a different dr but was wonderful as well. I had my same ultrasound tech and felt at ease. They explained the procedure and we started. First the dr injected lidocaine into the lump to numb the area. That part hurt a tiny bit, it just stung. Boobs are more sensitive than other body parts so it wasn't fun, but completely tolerable. After that he took a large biopsy needle and anchored it into the lump. He then used a hollow needle to take the samples with. That part hurt! After he pinched a sample my chest burned. It wasn't excruciating but enough to make me hold my breath and close my eyes. The dr apologized and said he would give me more lidocaine. I told him it was ok and that he could continue. He took a few more samples and told me he was done. He gave me his personal cell phone number and told me he would call me the next day. Such a sweet guy! The tech applied pressure to the site for a few minutes, bandaged me up and sent me home with ice packs in my bra. I was relieved to be done and on my way home. M did great. She slept the entire time for Matt. Matt drove us home and helped me lift M for the next two days. I studied for a final I had to take while he cuddled and bonded with M. It was perfect for them. I took my final at school and passed it. I was super pleased. After that we had a nice lunch. I anxiously awaited the call from the dr. I thought of the two scenarios we would be presented with. Which would it be. Finally he called and gave me the news... It was benign! Thank goodness. I was thrilled!!! He told me we would monitor it and if it remained after I finished breast feeding then I needed to see him again, but for now we were in the clear. I ran down to Matt and told him I had good news and bad. Of course he wanted to good first who doesn't right?! I told him that my tumor was benign. The bad he asked... Oh you know that he would be stuck with me a little longer... Long exhale, sigh, laugh and hug! What a lumpy bumpy road this has been!! Ha

The best part of the whole thing was seeing Matt hold M in her wrap so close to his heart. He loved it!

Biopsy site a few days after it was taken

This is the position M is placed in while Daddy is on duty.. lol

Micaela's first cold

Two weeks ago M got her first cold. Devastation would be a huge understatement. Matt was at work when we woke up. I heard M breathing and she sounded very junkie. You would have to hear it to fully grasp the nasty sound she was making. My heart plummeted to the floor. I instantly felt sick as though someone had kicked me in the gut. I wanted to melt into the floor and vaporize. What type of mother allows her 5 week old to get a cold. I was angry, frustrated and depressed. Instantly my mind flew to the hospital, to the icu, to the wires, the tubes, the iv. I thought of losing her and I couldn't bear it. I started to lose it. I seriously checked her temperature every five minutes. I retraced each visitor in my mind secretly cursing them for kissing her face, or her head, touching her hands, spreading their germs to my innocent baby. I thought about banning everyone until the cold season was over, I thought I would run away with her and hibernate. I was a wreck! We went to her doctor to have her evaluated. Dr Akey is amazing!! The best doctor I have ever met, aside from Dr Patel. So much compassion and knowledge. LOVE him! He took her immediately and looked at her ears, throat and nose. He checked her temperature and checked her Fontanelles. He propped her up on my shoulder and listened to her little lungs. He said she had a cold and asked what I was doing to help her. I told him I was using the nose Frieda (best invention ever!! A Swedish nose aspirator that acts like a straw sucking the boogers out. It's amazing because you can actually look to see what came out, the color, texture...etc.. as a nurse all critical pieces of the puzzle!) nursing, baths to clear congestion, eucalyptus and breathe essential oils, and checking her temp. He looked at me and with a warm smile told me I was "doing great momma" and to keep it up. He called M brave and told her she was a good girl. He told me to let him know if I was worried or her temp went above 100.4. Before leaving M was hungry so I went into his amazing mommy room and sat in a lovely rocker to nurse her. I rocked her and enjoyed water and a granola bar that he gave me. He is seriously amazing and his wife is the sweetest too! We came home and snuggled a lot and nursed as much as she wanted. I was so eager for her to feel better. I know illness is a normal part of life, of childhood and of building a strong immune system. I'm all about healthy colds. It was just extremely hard watching her suffer and not being able to take it away. I'm happy I had the magic milk to comfort her. She was resilient. She smiled and was a trooper the entire time. What a lesson to us adults!! We spend so much energy feeling sorry for ourselves we forget life is passing us by. Smile through your cold... This too will pass.

My sweet girl just wanted to snuggle

Greenish yellow means infection :(

bless her sweet heart still smiling even though she was sick

Boobs

In becoming a mother I was able to view breasts differently. Before I became pregnant I was fairly modest. I didn't wear flashy clothing, I kept covered. I had what I think is the perfect size boobs for my body. To me they were perfect! Not so big that they caused me pain and threatened to sag to my knees one day, but not so small that you couldn't see them with a magnifying glass. Did I want bigger boobs? Sure, but only because I grew up in a society that told me I wasn't sexy or womanly because my boobs were a certain size. I'm fortunate that I was strong enough to stand up against the pressures the world places on women to fix themselves. I am made perfectly. My breasts were made for a reason and they function amazingly well. I hope to be a strong mother, one that teaches M that she is perfect the way she is. I hope to love her and to show her how to be proud of her body. Breasts are amazing!! They are made to nourish life. These boobs have grown my sweet 5lb baby to a whooping 9lb baby in just 6 weeks. That to me is amazing!! They provide the perfect nutrients for her. They are filled with immune boosting antibodies that help strengthen her growing body. They are able to change to meet her needs. They are powerful!! I love feeding her. Our initial breast feeding attempts were very sad and stressful for me. Because M was born small and with low blood sugar she was given formula. I cried when they told me. I longed to nurse M so badly. To have that bond, that connection that only we can have. To be able to feed her while gazing down at her. To have my body work finally how it was intended to work. I needed it as much for her as for me. I am so grateful for Matt and our nursing staff for encouraging me. I refused to give up, I kept trying and they formulated ways to make my efforts useful. M needed to eat a certain volume every 2 hours. They said she had to have formula because you can't assess the amount of breast milk that a baby takes. Thankfully Matt was on the ball! He asked if I could pump, measure the milk and feed it to M that way! Genius!!! I could have wept it was so smart!! Of course I could do it. My milk is far superior to formula. I was able to feed M immediately and after two syringe feeds we were nursing. We were pros in no time. I love feeding her. I hope to feed her as long as possible. The benefits are so huge!! I will do anything to help her. It's exciting knowing I am doing it! I'm so proud of me.  Proud of all the mothers that breastfeed their babies. Mothers who don't give up despite the difficulties., the pain, the frustrations. Mothers who work to maintain their supply. Mothers who chose to wake up every two hours to feed their hungry baby rather than taking the easy way out and giving them fillers. Mothers who know breast milk is the best milk. It's empowering! More about boobs later!  I just wanted to share some excitement and encourage all the mommas out there! It is hard, and it's painful and exhausting but it's the best gift you can give your growing baby!!!


I know public displays of breast feeding are inappropriate to some and I'm sorry you might feel that way. Breasts are amazing, they were designed to sustain life. They are not only a sex symbol. When you see a nursing mother rather than gawk at her and make her feel bad for doing what nature designed applaud her for being the best mother possible! 

There is nothing more satisfying than watching her watch me as my body works to grow and sustain her every need. 

Anxiety at its finest

About a week into M being home with us I went into full panic mode. I couldn't sleep, I just stared at her. My hand never left her chest. I monitored her breathing, assessed each squeak and movement she made. I over analyzed everything!  I was teary eyed looking at her, the joy and overwhelming love I had for her overflowed onto my cheeks. I smiled at her as I wept. I was sad, but happy. It was a strange feeling. I missed Grace and Wyatt and wondered how our lives would have been with them in it. I wondered how they would respond to M. How excited they would be to have a little sister. How their germs would help strengthen her immune system. How their sounds and noises would help her learn to be a sound sleeper. It was hard to not imagine. Interestingly enough many people have the idea that once you have a living child you should forget about your dead children. It seems awful to me, their mom. They will always be our children, they were alive, and they still are in my heart. If they were alive we wouldn't forget them simply because we had another baby, so why should we because they are gone? Because its easier for others.. This was very hard for me. Learning how to be both a mother to Grace and Wyatt and also to Micaela. I think I have found a good balance. I am living in the present, I look at the past and remember Grace and Wyatt. I think of the future, and while it's exciting and filled with hope it also is bittersweet because it has a large area missing. I will always wonder what life would or should have been like. People say "M wouldn't be here if Grace and Wyatt had lived" to that I smile and say she actually would have. M is the same age as Grace and Wyatt. She became a living being the exact same day they did. Then through amazing science she was frozen in time with her other siblings. Grace and Wyatt were placed in my uterus and grew for months before entering the world outside of my belly. We always knew M would be born. We planned on using our embryos. We didn't create life to waste it. She would have been born, it was just a matter of time. Her timing was perfect and to my sweet Grace and Wyatt I will forever be grateful for all they taught me and continue to teach me. They saved their siblings lives, the ultimate sacrifice of giving their own life for the lives of their siblings. My beautiful strong angels. I will always be their mommy. I will always remember them. I will always talk about them. I am not ashamed. I am a mother to three children. Two dead and one living. This is my story and I am not afraid to share it.

Our Sweet Wyatt Rarick

Our Sweet Grace Madison

Our Sweet Micaela Grace

Amazing

Its been amazing getting to be Micaela's mommy. The feeling of having a living child to love and nurture is indescribable. I never imagined love feeling this way. My heart feels like it could explode its so full. She takes my breath away and brings so much warmth to my soul. She has the sweetest spirit and is the ray of sunshine in my life that I had longed for. Bringing home our rainbow was scary. I had a lot of anxiety. Questions and thoughts that swarmed my mind.. Would I be a good mom..would she like me... Would I be too overbearing.. Would I love her too much or not enough... It's terrifying becoming a parent. It's a huge responsibility being in charge of someone else's life. I mean I always knew being a parent was a big deal with a slew of responsibilities but when your waking up every 2 hours to feed, change and burp someone you have no time to be selfish. Everything in you becomes part of that person, you are essentially their lifeline. I'm not going to sugar coat it, it was hard initially. I left the hospital two days after we delivered Micaela. I pushed it. I wanted to come home with Matt. I didn't want to deal with the pressure of someone else bringing us home. I wanted to absorb my time as a mother and be able to feel what I felt. Matt returned to work Monday and worked a 48 hour shift. We came home Sunday night! Because M was born small we had to wake her every two hours to feed. She was such a good girl eating and then sleeping. She gained weight so quickly and is so strong! I was impressed at how well I was doing physically and emotionally. I seemed to be healing well and my grief wasn't as bad as I had anticipated initially. As the days passed though my anxiety went through the roof and I ended up needing to see my therapist for some good talk therapy. More on that later....

She is finally here!!

Friday September 27, 2013  we woke early and headed to the hospital for our scheduled csection. We were SO ready to meet our baby girl! We arrived and got ready. It started out rocky, it took the nurse 4 attempts to get an iv started. 4 times!! I have great veins so was a little sad that they were having trouble. After my iv was in we met with the anesthesiologist and Dr Lagrew. They were excited and ready. We moved into the OR. I was shaking from head to toe. Our last delivery was so traumatic that I was beyond anxious. I leaned forward and hugged a pillow preparing for my spinal to be placed. The anesthesiologist was so gentle and kind. He talked me through it all. Our nurse was very sweet too. I asked if she would hold my hand and she agreed. I was so thankful. They allowed me to chose the music in the room so I picked Lee Brice. I laid down and we were off!
Micaela Grace Natelborg was born at 7:55am. She was a little peanut. She weighed 5lbs 14oz and was 18inches long. It was love at first sight!! She was breech so the first thing to leave my body was her cute little butt, then her long frog legs and next her chest and head. She started crying immediately. She peed on the doctors which made us all laugh. Little did we know this would be a new trend of hers. The drs showed her to me and then she was off to be evaluated. I was crying behind the big blue drape. In disbelief that she existed, that she was indeed alive, that we might actually get to bring one of our babies home. Matt went to her bedside and was able to cut her umbilical cord. He was so proud looking down over his second born daughter. He proudly returned to me with pictures and stats. He returned to our girl and then came back sad telling me that she was small for her age and that she was having a hard time regulating her temperature and blood sugar. They would need to give her formula and closely monitor her. My placenta was delivered and was noted to be villainous. This means that the umbilical cord was attached to the side rather than the center. This is a cause for many small babies. It is also a cause of many newborn deaths. How terrifying. We were so grateful she was alive and with us. We were moved into the recovery room. We stayed there for two hours. While in recovery Micaela was still having trouble with her blood sugar and they thought she should go to the Nicu. More tears poured from our eyes at the thought of another baby leaving and having to go to the Nicu. After 38 long hard weeks we had hoped to have our baby with us. We talked to the team and asked that she be able to do skin to skin with Matt. My temperature was very low after surgery and I was too cold to hold her. They agreed and placed Micaela on Matt's chest. He was the proudest papa ever!! Her temperature came up immediately. They rechecked her blood sugar and it was rising. At that point they decided she could stay with us but would be checked every 30 minutes. Poor love had her little feet poked so many times. Erin, our nurse and Matt gave her a bath. They did a great job. After her bath she came over and I got to put her on my chest. Pure bliss!! She helped my temperature go up and hers remained good too! It was exciting. We were moved into our postpartum room where we would remain until discharge.
Matt was exhausted and took a nap. I just laid there with Micaela on my chest and relished every second. Erin came in and talked to me about feeding M. They needed her to eat every 2 hours since she was small and because her blood sugars were still low. She wouldn't wake up to eat though. I was so sad. They wanted to give her more formula which made me even sadder. Formula is ok, but it is not our first choice. Don't get me wrong I think its a good option for families who cannot produce milk or must use formula but I really longed to nurse and give M that gift. I knew that the continued formula use would just make nursing harder in the long run because it would fill her up lessening her drive to nurse. Thankfully Matt had a brilliant idea. He asked if I could feed her my pumped milk. They agreed since it was able to be measured, that was what they wanted they wanted to know how much she was eating and breast fed babies are hard to read since there is no measure besides diapers. I pumped and luckily my supply was as it was with Grace and Wyatt. I made a lot of yummy rich colostrum. We used syringes to give it to her and she did great. Soon Erin was at my bedside with one hand gripping my boob and the second Micaela's head. She was shoving my nipple into her mouth and slowly but surely we got the hang of nursing and she took off. less than 48 hours after my delivery I begged to be discharged home. I was eager to be alone in the peace and quiet of our own house. No alarms, no visits from hospital staff etc. Matt went straight to work while M and I got to know one another. We feel SO blessed!!! 

Two hands

So I know I have been awful at blogging lately and I promise I will update the blog soon. I have been busy for some reason! haha I owe you blogs on so many things:

Coming soon:
Micaela's birth
Being a mommy to a baby we got to bring home alive
Emotions at home
Pediatrician decisions
Placenta encapsulation
Cloth diapers
Sleep deprivation at its best
School
First cold scare
Holiday fun
Boobies
Jobs


So much going on, and to be completely honest when M goes to sleep I try studying, cleaning, eating and SLEEPING. Writing has been in the back of my mind.....but I'm getting the hang of this stay at home mom thing...

Today I set M down and ran potty.... it was both exciting and sad. She didn't cry for me.... and I had TWO hands to use!!! Imagine that... life is changing in so many ways and we are beyond grateful! 

This week has been emotionally rough for so many reasons. We are so excited to welcome Micaela home, but are experiencing so many different emotions. We're freaked out, paranoid something will go wrong, anxious we will love her too much or not enough, and so tired of explaining our feelings or wishes to people. It's a lot!! I drafted an email to family and friends regarding what to expect from us when we have Micaela. There are things we want and don't want. We wanted to be very clear with family and friends so that there were no misconceptions. My email was a bit "harsh" in Matt's words. It's difficult to find a good balance between what we need as a family healing and what we want to share with others. Orriginally Matt didn't want any visitors for the first week or two. He wanted to be alone with M and me and just bond.  I agreed completely. I know we are going to have a lot of new and old feelings surface and we need one another to get through them. Another reason for not having visitors was that Matt only has a few days off before he returns to work and rightfully so he didn't want to share that time. We wanted to make sure we got bonding in before he had to leave. After months of having this be our decision we decided to touch on the topic again. We knew it would be hard to have family and friends wait so long to meet Micaela. We know you are super excited and want to show your love and support. Matt and I talked again and decided that we would welcome visitors the second and third day at the hospital during visiting hours. We want our families and friends to meet our miracle. We know so many wanted to meet Grace and Wyatt but due to the Nicu stay and rules were unable to come. We feel Comfortable with our decision but everyother day we recoil and say maybe we should not have visits.. I guess we will know the day she arrives.

Anyway I have been having major anxiety about a few things surrounding Micaela and our coming home. I am so eager to spend time bonding with her and getting to know her. We will also be battling a mixture of emotions. People ask what emotions? Why will we be sad? Simply because Micaela doesn't fix us, we still lost Grace and Wyatt. We will forever mourn them. The happiness that M brings reminds us of the things we missed out on with Grace and Wyatt. Or it will bring back emotional Memories of things we did with them,  like feeding them, diaper changes, the first time we held them etc. we are happy and we know Micaela will bring a joy and happiness into our lives that nothing else could have, but it will take time. Please be patient and love us through this time.

On one of my support group boards I asked fellow rainbow mommas if they had any good tips, articles or blogs to share. I wanted to get some ideas on how to prepare family and friends for our wide array of emotions. There were none!! We couldn't believe it. A fellow rainbow momma and I compiled my email and her experience bringing her rainbow home and created a blog entry... Below are our words. Hers seem much more gentle than mine! Lol. I hope it helps our family and friends see what we need and are experiencing as well as I hope it reaches other rainbow mommas!! Muah! We love you and can't wait for you all to me our rainbow Micaela!!

Thank you Jill for helping put this blog together. Your knowledge, compassion and constant support mean more to me than you can know!! Your fellow rainbow mommy tac sister.

Bringing Home A Rainbow

Jill Donald

Bringing home a rainbow baby – a healthy baby after the previous loss of a child – is a joyful but difficult time for the parents. Rainbow mamas and papas deal with a lot in those first few weeks and months. I know this from personal experience, unfortunately. I lost my little girl, Lucy, after two months in the NICU. Less than 10 months later, we were bringing home her baby brother. It was beautiful and exciting and terrifying, as it is for all new parents, but some of that – especially the fear – was magnified. In addition, we were struggling to deal with our grief for Lucy and a lot of other complicated feelings. We felt guilt that Lucy never came home with us and wouldn’t get to grow up knowing how much we loved her, sorrow that our son would never know his sister the way we knew her, and terror that somehow we would forget her, OR that we would live so much in her memory that we would neglect William. None of it really makes sense, but these are some of the things that go through your head.

So what can you do to help the new parents of a rainbow baby?

You might have seen lists of ways to help new parents. Those are a really good place to start, because those all still apply to parents of a rainbow baby.

Schedule your visits. Don’t be early, don’t be late, and for Heaven’s sake, don’t just drop in. We’re trying to get the hang of things, learn the baby’s schedule, learn how to feed, and trying to get some sleep in wherever possible. We’d like to see you, but not while the baby is napping. And if your rainbow mama is like me and many other new moms, she might have her shirt off during much of the day while she and baby learn to nurse. Nobody wants to see that.

For now, keep visits short. We’re exhausted. This shouldn’t be surprising to anyone who has ever had children, but labor and delivery take a lot out of mom, and taking care of mom and baby takes a lot out of dad. And the chaotic mix of emotions accompanying the birth of a new baby after the loss of a baby would take a lot out of anyone. I spent a huge amount of time the first few weeks of William’s life a sobbing mess. I was happy, and sad, and relieved, and guilty, and a thousand other things. No matter how close we are, the only person I want to share that with is my husband. I enjoyed company, but I could only keep on my company face for so long at that point before I melted down.

Help us spend more time with our new baby.Those first few weeks of a baby’s life can never be repeated, and if I could, I would spend them just staring into my baby’s eyes. I would never ask for any help, but if you’d care to bring us an easy meal (in disposable pans and dishes!), that would be lovely. If you’re visiting, you might say “I’ll just do some dishes for you, if you don’t mind.” Don’t ask, because I’ll just say no. I might say no anyway, but I will definitely appreciate the offer. Same goes for other chores like mowing the lawn.

Do not come anywhere near me or my baby if you are sick, have been sick recently, or have been around sick people recently. I love you, really, but if you just came from your job as a kindergarten teacher and hopped the cross-town bus, I’d really rather you kept your germ-infested self at a distance. I know, that sounds incredibly harsh, but consider this: we’re heading into flu, whooping cough, and RSV season. Any of these can be devastating to a newborn. Any of them can potentially be deadly to a newborn, in fact. I am not about to risk another baby because I let somebody visit who shouldn’t have. And I don’t necessarily know your situation, so please think before you visit. I will 100% freak out if my new baby gets sick. You know why? Because my Lucy died from an infection. I don’t know if I could handle the stress of having another sick child right now. Please be understanding of this particular craziness.

Along the same lines, wash your hands when you visit. As I mentioned, this is the season for some bad infectious diseases, and they can be picked up almost anywhere. Washing hands is the number one best way to prevent their spread. Please don’t make me ask you to wash your hands, because I hate feeling like an obnoxious nag. I would love it if you would wash up as soon as you come in, and certainly before holding the baby. Please also avoid kissing the baby’s face. Their little immune systems are so delicate at this point, and like I said, I will lose it if my baby gets sick.

In general, respect boundaries. Every set of new parents will have different comfort levels, and the boundaries of rainbow parents might be different than you expect from new parents. They might have very strict guidelines for hospital visits. They might not want to be visited by young children for a while, or they may not want any visitors at all for the first couple of weeks. They may need more time to themselves to figure out how they work as a family. If they’re like me, they need time to figure out how to parent a living and a nonliving child, and to sort out their feelings for their new baby. They will very likely be more anxious than normal about the health and safety of the baby. Be patient with them. They are this way because they know the incredible pain of losing a child, and can’t bear the thought of it ever happening again.

Don’t be afraid to talk about the child or children who cannot be with their parents and siblings, and don’t be afraid of any tears that result from such talk. Say “Lucy would have been such a good big sister. I’m sure you’re missing her terribly right now. Know that I’m here for you.” I might very well cry, but I will be so grateful.

The most important thing you can do to help rainbow parents is to understand. Understand that they might be a little crazy about their baby’s safety. Understand that they might not want company all the time, and don’t take it personally. Understand if they get tears in their eyes as they smile at their baby. Understand that this baby, loved powerfully though it may be, can never take the place of the child who was lost. Rainbow babies don’t “fix” their parents’ sorrow at having lost a child, but they bring new joy. If the rainbow parents you know are anything like me, they want to share that joy with all their friends and family, just . . . carefully. Because we know how fragile life can be.

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September 24, 2013Leave a reply

Nicu babies- what to say...

I read this article today and thought it was a very helpful read. After our journey in the Nicu, and watching so many friends babies have Nicu visits  I think it's essential to be knowledgeable of how the parents feel. Many of these situations are foreign to us. I hope this can help, if we can help even one family it's worth posting!! Xx



What to say to anyone who has a baby in the NICU
JENNIFER GUNTER, MD | CONDITIONS | SEPTEMBER 20, 2013

A friend delivered twins early. One is in the NICU, one died. What can I say or do?

This question was sent to me via Twitter. The person who added my name to the tweet knew that I might have something to offer because 10 years ago I was that friend. I entered the hospital with ruptured membranes at 22 1/2 weeks, pregnant with triplets. My son Aidan died at birth and my surviving two boys, Oliver and Victor, had a long and complicated course in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), because that is pretty much the only road for babies born at 26 weeks.

I started to write a response, but stopped several times. I just couldn’t capture what I needed to say in 140 characters (and what I have to say really applies to anyone who has a baby in the NICU, whether they have lost a baby or not).


What not to say or do:

Do not say you are sorry or that you know how the parent must feel. Sorry is so ineffectual and you can’t know how someone feels who is trying to navigate mourning the death of their child while trying to rally enough personal resources to hang on for dear life to the roller coaster ride through the antechamber of hell that is the NICU. Even if you have been there, like I have, you can’t know what it feels like for someone else.
Do not ask for any specifics about the delivery or the circumstances that culminated in the delivery. They are horrible enough to go through as a parent, never mind re-live so you can tell someone else. It drove me nuts when people wanted to know the unique, but none the less horrible, terrible, life-fucking-changing events that caused me to deliver in the way that led to death of one of my children and the terribly unfair start to life for my other two. Listen yes, ask no.
Do not ask how the surviving baby is doing. If the baby is doing “well” they might feel strong enough to volunteer, but it rips your soul apart to report that your baby isn’t doing well (imagine doing it over and over again?). It is even hard to talk about a typical start to the NICU, which for an extremely premature baby means oscillating minute by minute between surviving due to all the advances of modern medicine and alarms that bring everyone running.
Do not say, “Well at least you have another one,” or some variation thereof. That was said to me. Really. Having a child does not make the death of another child any easier and it really diminishes the life of the baby who died. My son lived for 3 minutes and those 3 minutes were a lifetime for me.
Do not offer medical advice or critique the medical care. It doesn’t matter how much you know or think you know about premature babies, it is unlikely that you have enough information and education to offer a medically sound opinion. Causal comments such as, “Isn’t all that oxygen dangerous?,” or “That’s a lot of chest x-rays,” create doubt, cause more worry, and can lead to conflict. Remember, in addition to bonding with her/his baby your friendhas to bond with the NICU staff.
“He’s so small.” I wanted to punch people who said that. “Really, I’d never noticed, thanks ever so much for pointing it out and you know it doesn’t worry me at all.”
What to say and do:

“That must be so hard for you,” or a variation. Nothing you can say will make it better, so don’t try. And it is so hard and that should be acknowledged. You can say this phrase in almost any situation.
Learn to listen. If specifics are volunteered, and some people do need to talk , just listen and hug if appropriate.
Offer to look after things around your friend’s house. In fact, help organize a team of people to help. Lawns need to be cut, dogs walked, cats fed, mail collected, and laundry washed. It is so hard to do any of that when you want to be at the NICU every waking minute, never mind while you are mourning your child. This is especially critical if there is another child at home. Offer to take any children at home out for playdates, arrange sleep overs, drive them to school etc.
Offer food. If they are sleeping at home stock their fridge or drop off a pre-made meal. If they are living at the hospital or a Ronald McDonald house give gift cards for local restaurants.
Offer to be a point person. Relatives and friends want information, but it is hard to do especially when the information might not be good (see above). You can say something like, “People will be asking for updates because they care. I can help you with that.” You could forward the e-mails to me and I’ll reply for you.” You can also offer to set up and/or maintain a CaringBridge account with details or Facebook page if they are the Facebook type. Not everyone wants to share this way, but some do.
Send a gift. Just because a baby is in the NICU doesn’t mean that birth should be less recognized. Not one person sent a baby gift while Oliver and Victor were in the hospital, they all waited for the shower which was held the day before discharge. People hold back thinking, “What if I send something and then their baby dies? Won’t that make it worse?” Trust me when I say that an unused onesie does not make your baby’s death harder to deal with. Send a small stuffed animal or preemie clothes (this would be an ok time to ask about weight, because if the baby is 1 or 2 lbs a 4 lb outfit won’t fit). The dearest thing to me is the stuffed bear that a nurse put in the crib with Aidan. Not a week goes by that I don’t take it out of the drawer and hold it.
Ask to see pictures. You would do that for any newborn. Preemie parents are ostracized enough, so offering tiny bits of new parenthood normalcy is priceless. Parents don’t just see tubes and wires, they see their precious baby and you should too.
Donate blood. This is a very personal gift that you can give even if you live far away. Send a small card with a note saying you donated blood in honor of the babies. Mention both names if you know them. Many preemies need blood transfusions to live and the parents will know that their baby’s survival depends on the good will of blood donors and so it is such a wonderful gesture.
Get vaccinated for pertussis. Preemies are especially vulnerable to whooping cough. You should do this if you live close or far away. If you live far away you can send a little note with a gift card or stuffed animal and add that you got vaccinated against pertussis to help protect all preemies and you will encourage all of your friends to do the same.
Send a book on prematurity. It didn’t even occur to me to look for one. BIAS ALERT — I wrote a book, The Preemie Primer. I think it’s an awesome book, but there are other books. When I finally got around to reading the few books on preemies it was clear they weren’t right for me, so I wrote the book that I would have wanted the day I walked into the hospital with ruptured membranes.
Stick around. The NICU course is long and many friends flame out after the first bag of groceries.
What can you say or do?

A lot.

Jennifer Gunter is an obstetrician-gynecologist and author of The Preemie Primer. She blogs at her self-titled site, Dr. Jen Gunter.

Our story...

A few months ago I had the honor of sharing our story on a wonderful site for bereaved parents. I was recently asked to share it with another blog in hopes of spreading information to other families. Today marks the one year anniversary of losing our sweet Grace and Wyatt. It has been a long year. It has been painful, beautiful, and full of learning, loving and accepting. It hasn't been easy, but I'm proud to have survived it even if it was merely surviving. Return to zero was the original home of this post, it's a site dedicated to families who have lost a baby in any stage of life. It is based on a real life couple who experienced the tragic loss of their son at 37 weeks while in utero. All too often the loss of a child is passed over, looked away from. As a society we have no idea how to cope with it. We avoid acknowledging it at all costs because it makes many feel uncomfortable. All to often these parents are left to suffer in their own silence. This movie hopes to shed light on a very real Topic. It is raw and heart wrenching. I hope when I arrives in theaters you will take the time to see it, share it and learn from it. One hug, one smile, one minute of just listening can help heal a parents sole more than you know. Matt and I couldn't have survived this year without all the love and support we had. So many of you carried us through our darkest days. You showed us hope when we couldn't find it, you gave us space when it was needed and showered us with kindness. We will forever be humbled and full of gratitude for all you have done for us! The second blog we were asked to share on is the ocwalktoremember blog. many of you joined us two weeks after our loss to walk in memory of our babies. we walked the steps on earth that they didnt ever get to. we were so blessed to have found the walk and all the amazing support it has offered. we plan to walk every year and raise money to help support other parents who lead similar paths. this year the walk is october 5th. you can get more information online at www.ocwalktorember.org we are team Gracie and Wyatt Natelborg. we would be honored to have you walk with us!! Hope you enjoy the read!! Xo

(This is a guest blog by Andrea about her children, Grace & Wyatt. Thank you for sharing this with us, Andrea.)

My husband and I got married March 5th 2011.  We knew we wanted to start a family and knew we would need assistance in doing so due to my health history.  I was diagnosed at 18 with stage 4 endometriosis and chronic ovarian cysts.  After months of fertility treatments we became pregnant.  Sadly we miscarried shortly after.  We continued our journey, crushed but not fully aware of the true ache that would consume us.  We became pregnant again after another round of treatment.

This pregnancy seemed to be going well and then one Sunday I woke up to bleeding and abdominal cramping.  We shortly lost that baby too.  A year of more painful fertility treatments passed with nothing to show but empty arms and heavy hearts.  We decided to try again and this time became pregnant with twins.  Grace and Wyatt.  We were beyond hopeful but still so full of fear.  We had lost all of our prior pregnancies so we cautiously watched the days pass.  The babies looked wonderful and we had a due date of December 21 2012.  We couldn’t have been happier.

On July 16th our happiness turned into terror.  We had a routine Dr. visit.  It was discovered that I was having contractions and that my cervix was too weak to support a pregnancy.  We pleaded for a cerclage, a stitch that is sewn into the cervix.  It helps to support the weight and prevent shortening.  It doesn’t promise anything but it can provide a few more weeks.  Our team sadly refused to place the stitch.  We were heartbroken.  We were sent home on strict bed rest, and medications.  One week later my cervix went from 2.5 to .98.  We were devastated.  The team still didn’t have any options for us besides continuing bed rest and hoping we make it to viability.  We were 17 weeks at the time.  We would have done anything to bring our babies home safely so I never once complained about being bed ridden or my lack of control.  I relied on my husband, family and amazing friends for everything.  I was allowed to shower every 3 days, but had to remain sitting and had to be quick.  The days passed and we were getting closer to viability.

I was admitted to the hospital for closer monitoring.  I lived there for two long months, all the while hoping we would bring our sweet Grace and Wyatt home one day.  Living in the hospital was emotionally hard.  The food was hard to eat, especially since I wasn’t using much energy in bed.  I was rarely hungry but forced myself to eat as much as possible in hopes of helping our babies gain weight.  My husband decorated my room.  He brought books, flowers, a computer, all of my shampoo, soap and bathroom supplies.  He brought me outfits and even had twin sized sheets for my bed.  He was amazing!  I knew I was lucky to have married such an amazing man, but that time showed me exactly how strong and loving he was.  He helped me shower, he helped me on and off the dreaded bed pan, got me water and encouraged me the entire time.  We never thought for one minute that we wouldn’t survive.

August 29th 2012, 23weeks 5 days… two days shy of “viability”.  My contractions became worse, they were very strong and the doctors thought I would deliver that night.  We prepared for a c-section all the while praying we would make it though this.  Praying that our Grace and Wyatt would survive and not suffer.  We asked the doctors to do everything possible to save them.  I was placed on Magnesium to slow the contractions and also provide a barrier for the babies brains.  I was given steroid injections which help to mature the babies lungs.  I felt like a bus had hit me and my body was on fire.  The medication took a huge toll on me.  My head ached like never before.  Days passed on the medication and we were still pregnant.  My contractions were getting further apart and we hoped to make more days, weeks… I felt horrible, I just knew something was wrong.

I begged my husband not to leave my side.  I told him I thought I was dying and honestly I did.  I was struggling to breathe.  I knew something was wrong.  My doctor arrived and took one look at me.  He ordered the medication be stopped and a chest x-ray be performed.  I was right, my lungs were filled with fluid, I had pneumonia and was struggling to breathe.  I had absolutely no energy for anything.  I tried sleeping but the air starvation and my pounding head made it hard.  I slept through my viability week!  We finally started relaxing a bit.  We reached 25 weeks and pushed forward.  At exactly 25weeks and 5 days I went into full blown labor.  There was no turning back.  I was rushed into an emergency c-section where we delivered our beautiful babies.  Wyatt was born September 12 2012 at 12:55 and Grace arrived at 12:56.  They cried, they were intubated and taken straight to the nicu.  I didn’t get to see them right away but my husband caught a view as they rolled them out.  I spent the next few hours in recovery but pleaded to be allowed down to the nicu.  I wanted to see the babies, to touch them, to tell them I was so proud of them and that I loved them always and forever.

They were beautiful.  I was shocked at how small they were, yet how strong and perfectly formed they were.  Wyatt looked just like my husband, his skin was light, and he had light blonde hair on his beautiful head.  My husband is a brunette now but was a cute toe head as a kiddo.  Wyatt’s nose was my husbands nose and we jokingly apologized to him for it.

Wyatt looked so big compared to his sister.  Wyatt was 1lb 12oz.  We were in love instantly.  Grace looked just like me.  She had an olive complexion and the sweetest brown hair.  You could see the waves in it already.  She was very petite.  She had one eye open and we always joked that she had her eye on us!  She weighed 1lb 4oz.  We never for a second believed they wouldn’t be coming home with us alive.  We knew we were in for a long nicu stay.  We knew of the complications that could follow, but we knew that we were willing to be there for every step of that journey.  They were our babies and we would have done anything for them, and we did.

Three days passed… our beautiful angels were perfect.  They were doing ok, not great but not horrible.  Then that night our world came crashing in around us.  At 3am we were alerted that Wyatt had suffered a bleed.  He was very anemic and needed a blood transfusion.  Of course we signed the paperwork and rushed down to the nicu to see him.  They had him on a blood pressure medication to help increase his pressure, and started the infusion.  Grace looked good, but I think she felt her brother suffering.  Her little heart was racing.  They decided in the morning that they would run more tests and also do head ultrasounds to see if they had brain bleeds.  We prayed on our hands and knees for them to be spared.  I prayed for them to be out of pain, to be the miracle I knew they already were.  We had so much faith, we were so strong then.

Sadly we were given terrible news.  We learned that Wyatt had a grade 4 brain bleed.  This was the most severe.  He was having seizures and was in so much pain. My heart broke watching his little body struggle.  We also learned that Grace too had a grade 4 brain bleed.  We were besides ourselves.  We continued to pray and support the babies.  Another day passed and we had an outside dr come in to give us a second opinion.  The babies were getting worse and were suffering.  Aside from the brain bleeds our sweet angels lungs were shutting down.  We were devastated.  We asked to be able to hold our sweet Grace and Wyatt.  We didn’t want them to pass in their cribs.  We wanted to kiss them, to place them against our skin, to talk to them and then to put them side by side just as they had been for the past 6 months.  We were able to do so.

Our angel Wyatt passed at 5:25 on September 16 2012, and Grace followed him at 6:30.  We felt at peace then, I have no idea how we made it out of the hospital and into our car.  We had nothing to carry with us, our car was filled with 2 months of hospital accumulation.  It didn’t have car seats, it didn’t have Grace or Wyatt.  The drive home was soberingly silent.  When we arrived our house was filled with boxes of baby gear, baby clothes, toys etc.  We sobbed and went to bed.

The two weeks following our loss was a blur.  We were so busy planning the cremation, the celebration of life party and we were preparing to do the ocwalktoremember.  I was in denial and my husband was doing his best to carry me forward.  We took a trip to Yosemite where we spread some of the babies ashes in May lake.  We spent days in nature sobbing, and learning how to breathe.  It was a much needed start to our end.  As the weeks passed I became more and more depressed.  My husband broke down often but held it together all too often to help show me that he was strong and that we would be ok.  I became suicidal.  I didn’t want to do anything.  I stayed in bed, never sleeping, my mind running a million miles an hour.  I didn’t eat, I just survived.  My husband found an amazing therapist and brought me to him.  I have been seeing him weekly since then.  It has helped so much.  Our relationship was rocky.  I was so angry and hurt.  I was mean and cold.  My husband had not only lost his two children, but his wife was now a shell of a person he once knew.  He continued to love me and encourage me.  He has been instrumental in my healing.

In January we decided that we would attempt IVF again.  We had looked into surrogacy but it just didn’t work out as we had hopped.  We transferred two embryos again and were lucky to become pregnant.  One baby survived the transfer and implantation process.  We called the baby EM.  If the baby is a boy we planned to name him Ethan Wyatt after his brother and if the baby is a girl her name will be Micaela Grace after her sister.  I am heading into my 20th week today.  It has been very emotional and so hard on me.  I have had a really hard time becoming attached to the pregnancy for fear of burying another baby.  At 13 weeks I had major abdominal surgery to place a TAC- abdominal cerclage.  This type of band is placed around the cervix just below the uterus.  It is placed abdominally using either your old c-section incision or 5 small incisions in the belly.  The risks are high and the recovery was brutal.  This band is permanent, it requires a c-section delivery and very close monitoring.  We were so blessed to have found information and experienced doctors to place it.  We are finally starting to exhale a bit, but are still very cautious.  We just shared the news with family and friends last week.  We are so very hopeful.

We will always miss our beautiful Grace & Wyatt.  We will always wonder what our lives would have been like had they survived.  We will always think about the people they would have grown into, the friends they would have made, the jobs they would have chosen.  I miss them every second of everyday, but I am learning to find the hope to live again.  I am so excited to see them again one day!  Until I can hold and kiss them again I will do my best to be the best mommy possible to their siblings and the best wife to their daddy.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said “You gain strength courage and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”

I will continue to live, to be a mommy and to be a wife.

Thank you for your time and listening.

Andrea