Fresh

So today was a good day! I had the energy to do some cleaning and Matt even helped!!! HUGE! In the past cleaning was something we always agreed to disagree on. It just saved us the constant arguments and nagging. We grew up on complete opposite ends of the scale. My life was OCD clean, everything was always tidy, floors always shined and we had no clutter what so ever. Our house almost always looked like a model home, and because I grew up that way that is the way I thought things should be. It doesn't mean thats the right way, it was just habit. Matt on the other hand grew up very differently. He is for lack of a better word a messy! He feels comfortable living in a dirty house and it made my skin literally crawl. He would take his clothes off and literally drop them where he stood. He would leave dishes and glass wear all over the house, his laundry never ever gets put away...honest! It was just weird to me because I'd never met anyone like that who didn't have the inner desire to want to be cleaner. Matt was just content being that way. Now I must admit he enjoyed living in my cleaned house, but he had no will or desire to work on it with me. Thus a constant battle. I ended up doing all of the house work. At the beginning of our relationship I would try to make light of it all by making up this tale of these "imaginary elves" who came to clean the house for hours while he was away. He would always comment on the house saying, " the elves worked hard!" it was cute and funny for awhile and then I just got bitter and started resenting him. I was angry at him because he was messy. I was angry at his parents for not pushing him to do chores. I was angry that he was a grown man and yet still refused to do chores. I was grossed out that he was content living in a messy house. It was a cycle and I constantly found myself thinking negative thoughts about him because of this. Therapy really helped me to see that it was OK that we were different. I learned that my anger towards him would only continue and my resentment would get stronger and it would be a large divide in our relationship. Luckily I am open to trying new things. Matt had no desire to clean and I was annoyed feeling like his parent always picking up after him. It was hard for me to respect him as an equal when I felt like I always had to take care of him like I would for a child. We talked about it and came to an agreement. We would try using a house cleaner. Originally I was thinking she could come once a month to do a nice deep clean and I could maintain the rest during the month. Well, I was sick and down for a bit, and the house kept getting worse and worse. Matt was thinking we would utilize our house cleaner every few months, but I get super anxious and grumpy in a dirty house. Thank goodness my Mom and Megan came over and cleaned while I was sick. After they left Matt came home and my mood had completely changed. I was very relaxed and at peace. I just felt better knowing that the house was clean. I think that was the first time he realized just how much of an effect the cleanliness of our house had on me. We talked more about how he is a good cleaner at work, and how that is something that is expected of the guys at the station. I cautiously, on shaky ground asked him "why do you think they have you guys place so much effort and time into keeping things clean?" he looked at me and proceeded to talk about how fire fighters are well rounded men, they work hard and take pride in living in a well kept environment.." just then a smile crept across his cute face and he said "wait, where are you going with this?" ha you know right where I'm going buddy! "how is that any different than the pride you should take in your own home" he smiled again said ah-huh and walked away. I wasn't at all sure if I had gotten through to him, but it felt good asking him. Weeks passed and Matt was working really hard at the station. Although I missed him at home I have been really supportive with him working extra shifts if he thinks it won't be too much on him. I have also tried to be really supportive with his volunteer events and working a few days at Dodgers. I think after everything we have gone through this year I've just learned to let go of the things that aren't important to me. Of course I miss him while he's gone, but he enjoys working and wants to feel like he is supporting the family and so I am trying to allow him to do that. I am also trying to get better at being thankful and showing him how grateful I am that I am able to stay home with Harvey and not rush back to work. He has been very supportive of me taking the time needed to grieve the losses of Grace and Wyatt. So all of this jibber jaber brings me back to the point of this blog. Ha to talk about cleaning. Since Matt's out of the house working, he is more conscious of where our money is being spent. It's a good thing really. We learned to live with my income and his was a lot different than what we were accustomed to. In me staying home we have become wiser with where we spend money and what is really important. We have been working down our debt, and while it hasn't been easy we are learning how to make better money decisions. We have learned just how much it costs to raise children. We jokingly laugh at the figures because we have spent a large fraction of that just trying to have children. Kinda funny in the big picture. We have learned what's important and to us starting our own family is, no matter how much we have to spend doing it. There will always be bills to pay, but we are in no rush to buy bigger or better things. We simply want to be parents to children on earth. We both enjoy our cars and they run well, we like our townhouse and it is the perfect size for us, for now. Of course one day we would love to own a house, land with a big yard and horses, but thats not in the frame yet.. for now we are content being here, now. 

Sorry totally got off on a tangent! ha.. so this brings me to today. Earlier in the week Matt said he needed cleaning supplies. I asked what type of supplies he needed and for what. He told me they were for the house and they were specific supplies. It was hard for me to sit back and allow him to run the show. I clean things a certain way, and I use certain products. I don't like chemicals and I didn't want anything that couldn't be eaten. Harvey walks and sits everywhere in the house and he licks his paws. I would just die if he got sick from a harsh chemical. Matt went to target and got a cute little bucket to carry all of his supplies in. I was able to talk him into the "Green" cleaning products. He was excited and I was eager to see what may happen. In my mind I jokingly thought "Matts cleaning supplies are going to need to be dusted." I just didn't see them being used, but I didn't say that out loud. If he felt the urge to clean I was going to support it however I could. Today I met with a friend for lunch and when I arrived home I saw Matt's cleaning kit out. He was cleaning the bathrooms! I was shocked and excited. He asked if I had noticed and I told him I had and that they looked wonderful. He didn't have time to finish so I started cleaning and he asked me to stop. I told him that I was showing him love by finishing it. I wanted to show him my love by doing something I knew he would eventually do. I wanted to give him that time to do something else. It was nice. Once I started the bathroom it was like fire and I couldn't stop. I cleaned the kitchen, the counters, the floors, vacuumed, dusted, washed and dried all the laundry and then moved into the office... phew I was aching but it felt so good! I LOVE a clean house. It might be crazy but I honestly do. I decided to stop while I was ahead, my Dr. would probably kill me if he knew how much I was doing, but it felt good after feeling so icky for so long. 

So I guess the lesson here is to learn to compromise, but not settle. Be real with your inner self and communicate that to your partner so you don't build up years of resentment and anger. Hire a house cleaner if it makes your life easier. There is no shame in that! I love our house cleaner. She cleaned the house after Grace and Wyatt passed. I had just gotten home from months in the hospital and was too exhausted and weak to clean. The house needed love after so long and Lily came in and LOVED on it! I gave her a big hug and could have literally kissed her. Our house looked so stinking good. We have used her a few times and she always does a wonderful job. I love cleaning my own house, but I'm learning that its ok to ask for help, and that its ok to do things a little differently. 

Harvey inspecting Matt's cleaning bucket! Its a very organized bucket:)

Bitter and mad

My eyes are adjusted to the darkness in our bedroom. I can make out the fan spinning above our bed, the frames that line our walls and my dresser. My mind is running faster than a bolt of lightning. It's as if my senses are in overdrive. I hear Harvey breathing in the hallway, and Matt beside me. Matt's breathing is heavy. Every so often he will snore or shift his position, largely I assume because I wiggle so much beside him. Once in awhile I hear a very silent but obvious air escape from Matt's side of the bed and an immediate smile creeps across my face. How cute to fart in your sleep. Heehee during the waking hours I'm not nearly as impressed by his gas, the smell is beyond anything I've ever come across. 

I lay in bed thinking, wondering and trying to get comfortable. It's stuffy tonight in our room and I'm happy with just a soft sheet draped across me. I am flat on my back. Mr bear is wrapped in my left arm and my two Gracie and Wyatt dolls are placed gently in the center of my chest, directly over my heart. I have a knit blanket that surrounds my tummy. It's a special blanket a friend mailed me after we lost Grace and Wyatt. I carry it with me and sleep with it. It's peaceful, I'm not afraid in the darkness that surrounds me, but I can't will myself to sleep. 

I envy Matt. Well I suppose I envy people in the world that have the ability to pause life and play it when ready. The ability to suck it up and proceed. The ability to live affected but not immersed. I've always been pretty good at leaving my life outside of work. I always separate the two. It's allowed me to excel in every field I've worked in. But this is different. People just don't understand death. I didn't even truly understand it until it happened to my babies. It just seemed unreal, like it would never happen to me or anyone I knew personally. It's just different now. 

I know Matt has struggled with his grief. With the balancing act of social life, work, and being a husband and father. What we planned is no longer and we are barely holding onto one another. Smiles are far and few between and laughter is unheard of. 

For me I was able to fully dive into my grief. I became one with my pain and suffering and was able to feel every painful sensation that ripped though my body and mind. I have this blog where I'm able to be honest, brutally honest at times. I feel like I can be very honest with some people but mask the pain for many. Mainly I do this to guard myself from people's words. People say stupid stupid things and it angers me! So I say I'm doing ok or were good just to stop the roll of questions. Matt on the other hand doesn't open up to many at all. In fact I believe he's only been truly honest with three people since we lost Grace and Wyatt. It's just not something men feel comfortable talking about. Matt once told me, guys just don't talk about this stuff with other guys. I know for a long time Matt held his pain in. I think he internalized a lot and worked through much in his head. Our support group was so crucial! Matt was able to talk to a man who honestly understood and could relate to him. He didn't have to lie, he didn't have to ward off awkward questions. He could be real and I think that was invaluable for him. I feel fortunate that he's felt safe enough with me to be open and real about his feelings. I try to be very respectful. I don't push or pester him. I am here and he knows if he needs to he can come and share with me. Sometimes something triggers a spark and he comes home completely devastated. He talks about how hard it is to see kids doing things and then realizing we will never have the chance to see Grace or Wyatt do those very things. It's heartbreaking really. He will never get to walk Grace down the aisle. He will never get to take Wyatt shooting. It's the little things that are constant reminders of what life could and should have been. Matt's been strong in his faith all along and feels strong in his belief in seeing the kids someday in heaven. I know this brings him hope and peace on those hard days. 

As for me I think a lot! Too much probably. I analyze and analyze each thing we did. I collapse when I remember the stupid hours, days, weeks freaking months I spent on bed rest fighting for my babies all to have them abruptly taken from me. I'm angry and bitter. I am mad and blame God. I haven't forgiven him, hell at this point I don't believe or trust him. I'm not sure if I can or ever will. We prayed before we got pregnant, we prayed every day of our pregnancy, we prayed for healing for our babies and you know what?! That so called god walked away in our darkest hours. I read people who say their faith was affirmed in the Nicu or that miracles happen. I've seen good outcomes, but I simply don't believe a god has any control. It's a nice theory but come on! I hate him. And I guess in hating him I'm acknowledging that he might exist which makes me even madder. Hopefully someday this rage will evaporate and I will find some sort of peace. For now I will be bitter and mad. 

Resolve

This week is national infertility awareness week. April 21-27

As many of you know I have struggled with not only infant loss but also infertility. It's a long battle that isn't widely acknowledged or spoken about. We hope to change that. Infertility isn't something to be ashamed of. I hope that through the work of resolve and other support groups men and women of all walks in life will find the support needed to pursue their dreams of having a family. Resources are abundant and technology is expanding. Things we never thought possible are now at our fingertips! 

Info:

Infertility affects approximately 10% of the population. Since infertility strikes diverse groups-affecting people from all socioeconomic levels and cutting across all racial, ethnic and religious lines- chances are great that a friend, relative, neighbor or perhaps you are attempting to cope with the medical and emotional aspects of infertility.

Infertility leaves you feeling defeated. We lose all control and have to rely on doctors and their teams to help us conceive. People have been in the business of making babies since the world started. It's not that simple for everyone though.

If you or someone you know is struggling with infertility there is a wonderful support group online at resolve.org. Also reaching out for support is crucial. The journey is awful to walk alone, and no one should ever have to. 

If you or someone you know are having a hard time getting or staying pregnant reach out to your Obgyn. There are simple blood tests that can be run. Your doctor might refer you to a specialist called a reproductive endocrinologist. This dr will act like a detective until they find a treatment plan or pathway to help you achieve your goals of becoming parents! 

Not all people requiring fertility treatment end up having ivf. Many of the procedures are less invasive and work well! 

Be one more brave person who's willing to speak out against this disease and stand up for those around you! Offer love, encouragement and support.

DO NOT:

These are a few things people said to me on my journey. They didn't realize they were hurting my feelings. If you know someone with infertility do not say any of these things. Just listen and offer hugs. Do not ask a million questions, they will share when and if they feel comfortable. 

Do not tell me to relax!! - relaxing wont suddenly help someone's sperm count improve, it won't make endometriosis go away, it won't reverse the age of your eggs! Don't say it ever! 

Do not tell me it isn't the right time! - how do you know when the time is right? Many people have no problem getting knocked up at the wrong time!

Do not tell me ivf is a sin: that's your opinion. There is no place in the bible that says ivf or surrogacy are sinful. If you believe this I'm sorry you aren't as educated in your faith as you should be. Maybe try the bible and not word of mouth. If you really believe in god than you know science is a gift from him. Do you vaccinate your children?! Tsk tsk man made vaccines... Such  a sin.. Just sayin..

Do not tell me to give up or adopt! That is my personal decision and you are not a part of that decision.

Do not assume this journey is easy. It's very emotional and very straining on any relationship especially marriages. 

Do not jokingly tell me I can have your kids. I don't want them I want my own. 

Do not tell me you don't understand why we can't get pregnant! 

We don't understand it either which is why we are paying thousands of dollars to try! 

Do not ask me if I am pregnant yet! If I am ready to share I will. If I'm not pregnant you just broke my heart again.

Don't minimize my desire to have a baby-

Don't tell me I'm lucky because I get to sleep in or go on vacation anytime I want. I think your lucky because you have a child to love, nurture and share life with. 

Don't complain about your pregnancy or kids:

We would die to be in your shoes, and are paying an arm and a leg to get there!

Do:

Do offer support

Do pray for or with them

Do support their privacy

Do support and respect their decision to stop treatments

Do acknowledge them on Mother's Day. Many of these women have lost babies along this journey and although they are not mothers to babies on earth, they are mothers all the more. 

I hope this was a helpful post. If you or anyone you know have questions or need support please feel free to contact me. I have been through almost all of the treatments and/or  have seen them done on someone. I'd love to offer any knowledge I may have. 

Xo

Tmi me

I have and continue to change

Some of the old me I miss a lot...

Maybe one day some of that old me will live again

I am more aware of my likes and dislikes

I am fairly open, but also very private

If I trust you chances are you will know a lot about me

I don't like gossipy people! I loath hearing the ins and outs of someone else's life... Unless its the source sharing directly with me

I feel great sorrow for those that judge. What a great awakening their own lives must be

Lazy people drive me insane

I am a clean freak to the CORE

People who force their faith upon other people make me sad. Their insecurities about their own faith are so obvious they feel the need to force a believer to feel not alone in their beliefs.

I've found a great connection with people who are strong in their faith yet not forceful about it

I don't know if there truly is a god

I hope there is a heaven and I hope it's a peaceful place

I have questions about religion that many have no answers for

I find it funny that when good things happen we praise god and when bad things occur we are silent and have no answers

I like the idea that religion might help people strive to become better but It isn't always that way

Many bad people go to church

Religions cause people to do some crazy things! 

Who decides what religion is the "right" religion

Most religions are filled with man made rules... I hate that

I am pretty private about my religious views, even more so after losing Grace and Wyatt

I've learned that I don't need to waste my breath arguing with people. They can win in their minds. I don't care 

I've learned what I want and deserve 

I'm not afraid to be alone

I'm not afraid to die

I actually crave death. the finality. the peace.

A warrior once quoted that, "to die would be a great adventure" I can't wait

While life is good, it's still not great

I hate surprise visits.... By anyone... Unless of course it's to present me with a million dollars

I'm not concerned with making friends, the ones I have far exceed my need for mediocre relationships

Healing is a process 

Being married is hard

Being married, doing fertility treatments and then having your babies die is even harder

Some people don't respect or understand that matt and i need and value alone time

Counceling is powerful

Holding yourself accountable for your own crap is exciting

People don't know how to respond to bad news

People are weird around death

I'm not a touchie person... AT ALL.. It actually creeps me out when people touch me

I'm ok with a quick friendly hug when greeting but don't like to be smothered

I'm ok with the occasional cheek kiss

Creeps are everywhere and it's scary that they blend in so well

I'm afraid of child predators

I'm afraid of living in the future

I'm afraid of the upcoming generation

When I see pregnant women my body feels like its been electrocuted

When I see babies my body tingles

I haven't been strong enough to attend a baby shower yet, I'm not sure when I will be

I have only been truly ok with one baby since losing Grace and Wyatt

I have a hard time hearing about other people's pregnancies or babies. Unless I specifically ask please don't share. It's too much for me. Trust me when I feel strong enough I will ask. 

I have many pregnant friends and I'm happy for them, but it's a healing process all the same

I've learned who I can lean on

I've made amazing lasting friendships

I've read a lot of books on grief, loss, and faith

I see not only a therapist but a psychiatrist too 

I've learned that I need Harvey as much as he needs me

I've learned that couples therapy is fun and beneficial

I've learned how to use "I feel" statements

I've learned to shut my mouth when I don't have anything appropriate to say, not that I always exercise this ability but I've learned it! 

I enjoy walking with Harvey

I miss working but am terrified to return

The thought of working with women as they try to conceive makes me panic... I hardly have hope for myself let alone day after day living and hoping with these women

I would love to return to Choc, but even that causes me insane anxiety.. The thought of looking into a parents eyes knowing they might soon bury their child kills me.. A slow agonizing pain

I wonder what Grace and Wyatt would look like now? 

I wonder how they would sound

Would they look like me? Like Matt?

Would I be pulling my hair out or thankful

I wonder why people are so selfish and make every little thing about them
I'm learning to let go of things that simply don't matter

These are just a few of the things that run through my head as Matt sleeps soundly besides me. Oh how I wish the thoughts would slow or stop... Maybe one day.. Not today lol 

7 months

I miss Grace and Wyatt so so much. The pain of their loss is indescribable. I am a different person now than I was before. I have changed so much. The way I view the world has very much changed. I cry a whole lot now. I didn't cry very often before. My faith has changed drastically. This is something Matt struggles with daily and I feel very sad that he is hurting because of my decisions. Fertility treatments were the beginning of my loss of self. You really lose all control. You accept science and charts as a normal regimen of daily life. everything is very structured and there isn't much room for error. We focus our time and energy on that, and hope it works. Then when it does work, the numerous medications and dr visits occupy our time. The endless nights spent on our couch or hospital bed. Complete loss of control. I required others to do 99% of every thing for me. The only thing I did was go to the bathroom and clean myself. Even this I relied on others to help me with at times. Then our emergency c-section. I cried and cried it was too early but again I had no control. In the Nicu we relied on the knowledge of our nurses and doctors, we were powerless. We were lucky to have a minute to touch their sweet soft skin. Watching our babies suffer before passing was the absolute worst. Knowing no matter what we couldn't do anything to save them. No amount of pleading or bargaining would save them. They would leave us here. Today marks 7 months since Grace and Wyatt were born and that memory is like fire in my mind. I can feel it burn into my memory. Moments of hope shattered by reality. The pain hasn't eased much at all. Life continues to progress all around me. I am barely trying to regain some normalcy, but failing even there. Some friends and family understand its a dance and encourage each step while others beat me down for not being different. It's very hard and really heartbreaking. It's pushed me into an isolation hole that I actually don't mind living in. I know it's not the best thing for me, but it's safe here. As I sit in the bathroom sobbing one hand clutches my dolls and my other hand rubs my abdomen. The scar that lines my bikini area is still puffy. It hurts just as much today as it did 7 months ago. The hope I had then is replaced by a new hope. Hope in being a better educated mommy. A mom who is willing to do anything to protect my babies. A mom who hopes to deliver a chubby term baby one day. A mom that still feels so so guilty for not advocating for myself or you when we were pregnant. A mom who has learned that just because doctors go to school for a long time doesn't mean they know more than you do. A mom who no longer cares if she is nice, I will be nice, but I will also do what's right, and that means putting my foot down when your wrong! I miss Grace and Wyatt. I am so thankful they have taught me so much. I am so so sad that they had to be sacrificed for me to have knowledge, and sacrificed so that their siblings might have a shot at life. My heart breaks a little each time I realize this. I love you my sweets, and I carry you with me always.