I'm hard to love

I'm hard to love. I think I've always been hard to love but since losing Grace and Wyatt I can see just how hard I am to love. I have changed. The person I once was has evaporated and left a chilly shell behind. I wish I could say I was the same, but I'm not. I can't be. I'm not sure it's even possible to go back to who I once was. My losses and life experiences have made me the woman I am today. Today I am probably too honest. Brutally honest, painfully honest. Honesty that stings and hurts. I have so much anxiety about everything now. I used to be more carefree. I used to like leaving my house and doing things but now just the thought of leaving gives me anxiety and sometimes even panic attacks. This isn't a daily battle, someways I wake up and actually think about leaving! Just today I thought I'm going to take m to Disneyland, but then I immediately recanted and spent the day home. In digging deep into myself and trying to analyze why I am this way I see that at home I have control. I can monitor what happens for the most part, I feel safe, secure and In charge. When I venture out I am exposed to so much. Pregnant women still cause me crazy anxiety I'm afraid of pregnancy. It freaks me out. Seeing a pregnant belly reminds me that babies die, that being pregnant is not always exciting its down right frightening. I worry about the woman and her baby and feel

So heavy. Twins cause me great pain. I think of how Grace and Wyatt would have acted or played. How much joy it would have been watching them grow with one another. Seeing my life change. Having M has brought so much joy and hope into our lives but it has also introduced interesting situations. When we are with her people often ask if she's our only child. This leaves me to answer the question with our honest reply. No we have two other kids. Most people smile and say wow you must be a pro then! I smile and say something to redirect the conversation to M. Some people ask more how old are your kids.. Then inevitably the story comes out that we had twins who passed. Awkward silence. It's so hard, it's hard feeling like I need to lie in order to protect others from pain. It's a different feeling that I am left to live with. Every time I feel secure, like I'm getting stronger and making progress something happens and sets me back. I'm afraid of the past. I'm afraid of being sad, of remembering of hurting. A close friend of mine is struggling with the impending death of her young niece. My heart aches for my sweet friend, her niece and her aunt. I know the pain of losing a child and would wish it on no one. Watching your child struggle, watching them take their last breath as you their mother, the one designed to love and protect them sits there watching is the most helpless position. I hope this sweet family finds courage, strength and peace in her passing. I hope they learn to live again. I hope they are supported by many and feel their daughter all around them. Loss stinks. Losing a baby is not natural ever. It makes my heart ache an indescribable throb.