So we are basically praying that our insurance approves our procedures by tomorrow morning. I'm so sick of insurance and tests, labs, and the headache of this all. I wish it were as easy for me as it is for too many others. Ugh the ugly head called jealousy creeps onto my shoulders and judges others. Its so hard to shoo it away and go along my merry old day without feeling a little slighted. I'm trying, and that's as good as its going to get today.
This week has been insane to say the very least. My head is in a constant throb and I feel ill. It started last week with my dreaded period, not only did it show up two weeks late, causing my little hope to rise, but it also came with anger. It was horrible. I was so sick, the pain was awful, and the vomiting that accompanied the constant nausea was disgusting. I felt terrible for three days. Yuck! But I suppose on the bright side I knew what cycle day I was and I was able to call my wonderful Dr's and inform them that I was ready to undergo more tests... Blah
Friday I got my labs drawn for a clomid challenge test. I started taking clomid a medication that assists with ovulation on Monday. I will take it for five days. Clomid comes with many side effects, a few of my favorites being my good old friend nausea and vomiting along with hot flashes. FUN! Oh and I shouldn't forget Matt's favorite..the mood swings. Haha Im lucky he loves me so much. Monday I also had an ultrasound done to check how many follicles I had. I had 20, the Dr. said he was happy with that number. It was a good visit because Matt was able to attend with me and he got to meet Dr. Potter. We really like him and his staff, they are all really happy, which is a wonderful thing. Tonight I start taking an antibiotic for the tests that I will have done tomorrow, God and insurance willing. Tomorrow I am scheduled for an ultrasound and also a HSG. The ultrasound is to look for fibroids or abnormalities, and the HSG is to look at my fallopian tubes to make sure they are open and working. Might be painful, but so is everything else thus far. Saturday I will go in for more labs, and then hopefully and again God willing, we will inseminate soon. I am really hoping this is our month. I feel like we deserve this, we have worked so hard, we are able to provide for our baby and also support them with love. Its just so hard to not have the reality of it all. Our Dr was cute yesterday, he told me that he would make me nauseated but with a happy outcome, not just nauseated for the fun of it :) I like that. I'm hoping with all the hope I have inside me, which doesn't feel like much now.
I have though, been able to talk to a lot of people regarding miscarriages, my trials and also my faith. I have been able to pray for others, and allow others into my life, and into praying for me. Its a new experience I am treading on lightly.
My research is slightly on a stand still, I am waiting for the green light on my palliative care studies and until I get that I am on temporary hold. Again patiently waiting. I'm going to be a pro at being patient soon. I have also been reading The Shack and have been loving it. Its my second time reading it, but this time I am writing in it a lot. I'm really trying to drop all conceptions that I have of God. I am trying not to judge him and to simply trust in his goodness, although it is really challenging at times. I am learning to let go of all of my misconceptions of how I think God should be and how he should act. I need to know that he is "fond of me" and that he loves me. I need to trust him to be by my side every day. Its a work in progress yes, but at least I'm working.
All fingers crossed for tomorrow and this week.
This week has been insane to say the very least. My head is in a constant throb and I feel ill. It started last week with my dreaded period, not only did it show up two weeks late, causing my little hope to rise, but it also came with anger. It was horrible. I was so sick, the pain was awful, and the vomiting that accompanied the constant nausea was disgusting. I felt terrible for three days. Yuck! But I suppose on the bright side I knew what cycle day I was and I was able to call my wonderful Dr's and inform them that I was ready to undergo more tests... Blah
Friday I got my labs drawn for a clomid challenge test. I started taking clomid a medication that assists with ovulation on Monday. I will take it for five days. Clomid comes with many side effects, a few of my favorites being my good old friend nausea and vomiting along with hot flashes. FUN! Oh and I shouldn't forget Matt's favorite..the mood swings. Haha Im lucky he loves me so much. Monday I also had an ultrasound done to check how many follicles I had. I had 20, the Dr. said he was happy with that number. It was a good visit because Matt was able to attend with me and he got to meet Dr. Potter. We really like him and his staff, they are all really happy, which is a wonderful thing. Tonight I start taking an antibiotic for the tests that I will have done tomorrow, God and insurance willing. Tomorrow I am scheduled for an ultrasound and also a HSG. The ultrasound is to look for fibroids or abnormalities, and the HSG is to look at my fallopian tubes to make sure they are open and working. Might be painful, but so is everything else thus far. Saturday I will go in for more labs, and then hopefully and again God willing, we will inseminate soon. I am really hoping this is our month. I feel like we deserve this, we have worked so hard, we are able to provide for our baby and also support them with love. Its just so hard to not have the reality of it all. Our Dr was cute yesterday, he told me that he would make me nauseated but with a happy outcome, not just nauseated for the fun of it :) I like that. I'm hoping with all the hope I have inside me, which doesn't feel like much now.
I have though, been able to talk to a lot of people regarding miscarriages, my trials and also my faith. I have been able to pray for others, and allow others into my life, and into praying for me. Its a new experience I am treading on lightly.
My research is slightly on a stand still, I am waiting for the green light on my palliative care studies and until I get that I am on temporary hold. Again patiently waiting. I'm going to be a pro at being patient soon. I have also been reading The Shack and have been loving it. Its my second time reading it, but this time I am writing in it a lot. I'm really trying to drop all conceptions that I have of God. I am trying not to judge him and to simply trust in his goodness, although it is really challenging at times. I am learning to let go of all of my misconceptions of how I think God should be and how he should act. I need to know that he is "fond of me" and that he loves me. I need to trust him to be by my side every day. Its a work in progress yes, but at least I'm working.
All fingers crossed for tomorrow and this week.
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