Brave

 I spoke to a good friend today. This friend is very special to me. We met about a year ago and instantly bonded. She was such a light fun person to be around. A lot of people said we reminded them of each other, almost like we were siblings. 

We worked in different but similar fields. 

When I was in the hospital she came to visit and we shared wonderful conversation about work, life and happiness. She reminded me that the most important thing was my happiness not me being able to make everyone else happy. She is wise beyond her years. 

I didn't know at the time, but she was pregnant then with twins!! My story gave her hope and strength. She celebrated and then grieved with us. She sent uplifting notes and always kept me close in thought. Almost one month later she would find herself in a very similar situation. She too would lose her twins. I had no idea at the time, I was buried in my own darkness. She reached out to me and shared that I had been a huge source of strength for her during her delivery. She has told me that she felt Grace and Wyatt with her, and that she kept thinking "Andrea survived this, I can too". When she shared her story with me it both broke and enraged my heart. I was so hurt by God myself and I couldn't believe he would allow such a beautiful woman this type of pain. I cried with her, for her and for the loss of her babies, her dreams and the hopes she once had. I cried because I knew the pain she too would live with. We have remained close and are a constant support to one another. We fully understand each other and are able to speak words that few can. 

Today she called me and told me how she really looks up to me. She told me how proud of me she is and how proud Grace and Wyatt are having me as their mom. It amazed me to listen to her soft sweet words tumble into my ears. I have been so down on myself lately. Upset that I'm not happy, that I'm not working, that I'm not the old me. I've forgotten to rejoice in my good days. To celebrate the times that I've been strong enough to walk Harvey, to meet a friend for lunch, to embrace family time again. Little by little I am trying and while its excruciating and painful I am surviving. I get out of bed each day and I hope. I haven't given up. I am walking into the battle field again. I am perusing the dreams Matt and I have of starting a family. I know the battle will be hard emotionally and physically but I am brave! I am fighting! I am strong and I  proud of myself for trying. Thank you my sweet friend for reminding me that I am doing the best I can. Thank you for thinking about me and my sweet angels. Thank you for sharing your pain with me and thank you for letting me be a part of your healing. 

Xx