Anxiety at its finest

About a week into M being home with us I went into full panic mode. I couldn't sleep, I just stared at her. My hand never left her chest. I monitored her breathing, assessed each squeak and movement she made. I over analyzed everything!  I was teary eyed looking at her, the joy and overwhelming love I had for her overflowed onto my cheeks. I smiled at her as I wept. I was sad, but happy. It was a strange feeling. I missed Grace and Wyatt and wondered how our lives would have been with them in it. I wondered how they would respond to M. How excited they would be to have a little sister. How their germs would help strengthen her immune system. How their sounds and noises would help her learn to be a sound sleeper. It was hard to not imagine. Interestingly enough many people have the idea that once you have a living child you should forget about your dead children. It seems awful to me, their mom. They will always be our children, they were alive, and they still are in my heart. If they were alive we wouldn't forget them simply because we had another baby, so why should we because they are gone? Because its easier for others.. This was very hard for me. Learning how to be both a mother to Grace and Wyatt and also to Micaela. I think I have found a good balance. I am living in the present, I look at the past and remember Grace and Wyatt. I think of the future, and while it's exciting and filled with hope it also is bittersweet because it has a large area missing. I will always wonder what life would or should have been like. People say "M wouldn't be here if Grace and Wyatt had lived" to that I smile and say she actually would have. M is the same age as Grace and Wyatt. She became a living being the exact same day they did. Then through amazing science she was frozen in time with her other siblings. Grace and Wyatt were placed in my uterus and grew for months before entering the world outside of my belly. We always knew M would be born. We planned on using our embryos. We didn't create life to waste it. She would have been born, it was just a matter of time. Her timing was perfect and to my sweet Grace and Wyatt I will forever be grateful for all they taught me and continue to teach me. They saved their siblings lives, the ultimate sacrifice of giving their own life for the lives of their siblings. My beautiful strong angels. I will always be their mommy. I will always remember them. I will always talk about them. I am not ashamed. I am a mother to three children. Two dead and one living. This is my story and I am not afraid to share it.

Our Sweet Wyatt Rarick

Our Sweet Grace Madison

Our Sweet Micaela Grace