Amazing

Its been amazing getting to be Micaela's mommy. The feeling of having a living child to love and nurture is indescribable. I never imagined love feeling this way. My heart feels like it could explode its so full. She takes my breath away and brings so much warmth to my soul. She has the sweetest spirit and is the ray of sunshine in my life that I had longed for. Bringing home our rainbow was scary. I had a lot of anxiety. Questions and thoughts that swarmed my mind.. Would I be a good mom..would she like me... Would I be too overbearing.. Would I love her too much or not enough... It's terrifying becoming a parent. It's a huge responsibility being in charge of someone else's life. I mean I always knew being a parent was a big deal with a slew of responsibilities but when your waking up every 2 hours to feed, change and burp someone you have no time to be selfish. Everything in you becomes part of that person, you are essentially their lifeline. I'm not going to sugar coat it, it was hard initially. I left the hospital two days after we delivered Micaela. I pushed it. I wanted to come home with Matt. I didn't want to deal with the pressure of someone else bringing us home. I wanted to absorb my time as a mother and be able to feel what I felt. Matt returned to work Monday and worked a 48 hour shift. We came home Sunday night! Because M was born small we had to wake her every two hours to feed. She was such a good girl eating and then sleeping. She gained weight so quickly and is so strong! I was impressed at how well I was doing physically and emotionally. I seemed to be healing well and my grief wasn't as bad as I had anticipated initially. As the days passed though my anxiety went through the roof and I ended up needing to see my therapist for some good talk therapy. More on that later....