Resolution

I've never been one for resolutions. I find most of them silly and disappointing. Usually people quit before they even start, or they set goals that are so unrealistic they fail. Failure is hard, discouraging and depressing. This year I didn't make any resolutions. I was content with that until I went to my regular therapy session and started digging deeper inside my brain. So many questions and possibilities emerged. 

As words tumbled out of my mouth and landed on my therapists ears he sat silent looking at me. He said I was getting stronger.  I was no longer crawling. I was standing. I'm still awkward and learning how to do things but I'm learning. I'm finding out who Andrea is. My therapist told me I had some decisions to make that we're important. I needed to evaluate my life and see what caused me anxiety or conflict. Then I needed to look at those things and decide if I was willing to live with that level of conflict. If not I needed to immediately rid myself of those things in order to make myself stronger, more independent and happier in my own life. He asked some really hard questions. He asked me how I valued certain people, he asked about family, children and work. I think we were both surprised with my answers. He was proud of me. I was beginning to feel. I was raw yet healing.

When I left the office I walked out lighter. I am healing. I am lighter. I am and have changed a lot. I like who I am. I like who I was also, but I care less about how others perceive me now. I no longer need to "fix myself"  to make me fit into what someone else needs. This is me, take it or leave it. I like the sound of that. It's totally empowering! I feel like spiderman ready to crawl up walls and conquer bad guys! 

As I drove home I thought of what I wanted. I want to be happy. I will work harder at accepting myself, at embracing me for the girl I am inside, not the girl I've been trying to be. I don't need people to accept me. I don't need long hair, tan skin and big boobs to feel beautiful. I am beautiful! I am caring, genuine and honest! I love fearlessly and always will. As I sit here thinking of how I got here and the pain that brought me to my knees I am thankful. Although I would give the new me back in a second for Grace and Wyatt to be here in my arms and healthy I believe they are smiling at their momma. They are happy that I am becoming a stronger more independent woman for their siblings. When I have kids one day I will know better how to set my boundaries. I will be someone that is polite yet firm. I will earn respect rather than likings. I will do what makes me happy and is right for my family. 

This year I resolve to embrace the change that's blossoming within me. Accept the empowerment and shine in my own beauty, and lastly I commit to stop trying to change myself to fix others.