Who am I?

What a loaded question. Who am I? I'm a sinner and a saint, I am brutally honest and a liar. I behave and misbehave. I tend to follow the law but choose when to break it. I am a mom and again I'm not really a mom. Does it count to be a mom if your babies live somewhere else? Does being good really matter when no one is watching? 

Lately I've been thinking, living and working on me. Finally taking the time to find out who I really am. What I like, dislike, deserve and hope for. I am learning to set boundaries and my goodness it's probably one of the hardest things to do. I struggle daily with it. I want people to count on me, to like me, to feel comfortable with me and to trust me, but man that's exhausting always being that person! I'm tired and drained and empty and can't fill myself up when I give it all out. I'm learning so much about myself and others. I need boundaries to be healthy;)

It's funny how little we humans know about life and living. We make choices daily that are so self absorbed and selfish. I'm not saying its wrong, I have been very selfish lately. I have not been the best of friends. I don't find myself calling friends, reaching out to say hello, reaching out to talk to people who I haven't talked to. I have been a terrible friend in those regards and I was ashamed and upset with myself. I was mad because yesterday marked 4 months since Grace and Wyatt were born. 4 months! That's how old my babies would be today if they were still alive! 4 months and I've been a bad friend because I've been inside mourning the loss of my children, my future with them, my hopes my dreams and now my friends that have too since disappeared. It's crazy to me how one second I was so close and bonded to someone and the next we are like mere acquaintances. How someone I thought would be in my life forever is now a minor part of my life. How someone who I spoke to daily is someone I now speak to maybe monthly if I reach out. It's weird to me and I can't absorb it into my stuffed head. I was mad that I hadn't gotten over my grief, that I hadn't gotten back on the wagon and become a regular person again. I was judging myself without thinking of how anyone in my shoes would feel. How dare I rush my grief, or place a specific timeline on myself. I give myself the permission to grieve for as long as needed. I am sad and hurt by the friends and family who have walked away from me because I wasn't strong enough to walk beside them sooner.

This year I am allowing myself to eliminate people who make me feel icky inside! Talk about hard!!! It has been brutal! I hated how I felt inside with certain people. I became someone I didn't know. Negative thoughts filled my head the entire time I was with them, thoughts of how negative they were or how much they complained or how they didn't appreciate what they had right in front of them. It made me upset and crazy! My poor heart beat faster than normal and I was anxious. I hate those feelings! I want to surround myself with people who make me feel lighter and fluffier inside, who bring the light out of me not the dark. People who try to be more positive than negative. I want to be more positive and it's infectious!! I need that right now because it's too easy for me to be dark after this pain and loss. I need that encouragement to be happy and sunny. to be beautiful and kind, and that's what my body wants! 

I don't owe anyone anything. Im an equal opportunity friend;) haha super cheesy I know! I want to shout out and thank the friends and family who have stood by me on this journey, who have shined a light into my darkness, who have carried my shoes when I couldn't, and who threw me over their shoulders to carry me on. I am disappointed in the family and friends who haven't been supportive. Those who thought avoiding me or being silent was the best option. Those who decided pretending my babies didn't die or even exist for that matter was a good option. Those who thought buying a thoughtful Christmas present was a substitution for not once picking the phone up or sending an email to say hey I'm thinking of you, or we love you. Grrr!!! Come on people! If I've learned anything on this crummy journey it's how to be a better friend to other in need. I can't tell you how many people have contacted me on this journey for help in their darkness. Its been a pearl that I've been able to share with others on this journey. 

I am a good friend. I am a woman who lost a lot of her life suddenly and I am doing the best I can. I wake up everyday and take Harvey outside! I get dressed, put blush and Chapstick on and walk into the world. I clean my house and I make meaningful visits with meaningful people who want to spend quality time making our world better. I am proud of the woman I am today. I am proud to be Harveys mom, Grace and Wyatt's mom. I am a great friend. I have a lot to offer and I try to be helpful when I can. I am a good daughter, I love a lot. I am a great wife. I'm a cheerleader and a ball of love and encouragement. I speed sometimes and I lie when I think it's the right thing to do. I'm not perfect I'm perfectly imperfect! That's who I am.