Bedtime

Bedtime,  in theory I should love bedtime. It's when rest happens. When the mind slows for a few hours and the body works to build up the courage and strength to work another day. I used to love bedtime. Sleep, my soft pillow, mr bear... Ah. I'm so tired of not sleeping. I come to bed exhausted. I rub lavender on the soles of my feet. I diffuse lavender and serenity for hours. I long so much to rest. My mind never stops though. It goes and goes and goes. I'm so tired of thinking. Night time is the hardest. It's dark and quiet in the room and I can't stop thinking of you. I think of how you look and smell. I think of how you would sound squealing and babbling. I think of seeing you smile, moving your sweet hands and tracking objects with your eyes. I can't stop thinking. 

I try self soothing. It sounds funny but I really try. I rub and twirl my hair, I rub and massage my legs and feet. I rub my feet against the sheets softly. I reposition a million times and still struggle to find the drop off to peace. Daddy sleeps at the station two nights a week. Then when he comes home I move so much and self soothe so loudly that he sometimes sleeps downstairs:( it makes me sad but I know he needs and deserves his rest. I'm just jealous because I want some too. 

I try reading, I look on pinterest, I walk downstairs and then come back up. I just can't stop thinking long enough to sleep. When I do finally fall asleep its a yucky sleep. I toss and turn. I wake up to pee, I have vivid scary dreams. I try to remember my dreams so I can think about them during the day. I Try to see what my subconscious mind is trying to tell me. Some are extremely disturbing and I need to tell daddy or my therapist about them. Others I can digest and dissolve on my own. 

Gosh I want to sleep. I don't want drugs that will make me sleep. We tried them before and they didn't work. I don't want to become dependent on medications either but what should I do? Boo...

On a side note Harvey and I have been working out a lot! Harvey had a vet check up two weeks ago where we learned that he gained 11lbs in one year! Yikes!!! The vet kindly asked what I'd fed him. The same three cups a day no change. Exception: Harvey used to be walked 2-3 miles daily then when I got placed on bed rest he stopped completely. Then I was in such a funk once I got home we rarely went out. I started gaining weight too. I haven't been one who cares much about weight gain as long as I feel good and my clothes fit I'm happy. Well my pants started getting tighter and my shirts popped out and I was looking about 4 months pregnant. No big deal of course, but for Harvey's sake we decided to start working out better. We hiked 9miles this week and walked 6 so far! We are pumped and excited to do more. He is so good at encouraging me and is the best partner. He takes rest breaks and smiles the entire time. He never complains and is very appreciative. I've noticed my pants Loosen this week instantly and also noticed an increase in Harvey's appetite. Haha little cutie! 

Ian went hiking with us yesterday which was nice. He held a great pace and is so sweet and nice to be around. We made tacos for dinner and grandma Gwen, Jeanne and the boys all came over. Today was busy too! We had a repair guy come look at our floors. The tiles need repairing soon as they are cracking and the grout is escaping. Then I met Erika, Noah and Asher at the irvine park. It was so fun and so sweet watching Noah enjoy it all. He got to go on a pony ride, visit a petting zoo, and walk around their little zoo exhibit and go for a train ride. The zoo was probably my favorite part. There was a crazy bob cat that was eyeing toddlers. It was crouched down licking its chops! Scary!! Haha crazy how us  animals are! 

After the park I had a delicious dinner with Megan, her sweet family, Tinne and hers. It was fun, loud and entertaining. Ava and Mila were angels. We played LCR a dice game I've never played. It was very easy and fun. Megan and Yaojen won the pot;) when I got home I took harvey out to potty and then got ready for bed!!! Ahhh be that thing I'm laying in :/