Fresh

So today was a good day! I had the energy to do some cleaning and Matt even helped!!! HUGE! In the past cleaning was something we always agreed to disagree on. It just saved us the constant arguments and nagging. We grew up on complete opposite ends of the scale. My life was OCD clean, everything was always tidy, floors always shined and we had no clutter what so ever. Our house almost always looked like a model home, and because I grew up that way that is the way I thought things should be. It doesn't mean thats the right way, it was just habit. Matt on the other hand grew up very differently. He is for lack of a better word a messy! He feels comfortable living in a dirty house and it made my skin literally crawl. He would take his clothes off and literally drop them where he stood. He would leave dishes and glass wear all over the house, his laundry never ever gets put away...honest! It was just weird to me because I'd never met anyone like that who didn't have the inner desire to want to be cleaner. Matt was just content being that way. Now I must admit he enjoyed living in my cleaned house, but he had no will or desire to work on it with me. Thus a constant battle. I ended up doing all of the house work. At the beginning of our relationship I would try to make light of it all by making up this tale of these "imaginary elves" who came to clean the house for hours while he was away. He would always comment on the house saying, " the elves worked hard!" it was cute and funny for awhile and then I just got bitter and started resenting him. I was angry at him because he was messy. I was angry at his parents for not pushing him to do chores. I was angry that he was a grown man and yet still refused to do chores. I was grossed out that he was content living in a messy house. It was a cycle and I constantly found myself thinking negative thoughts about him because of this. Therapy really helped me to see that it was OK that we were different. I learned that my anger towards him would only continue and my resentment would get stronger and it would be a large divide in our relationship. Luckily I am open to trying new things. Matt had no desire to clean and I was annoyed feeling like his parent always picking up after him. It was hard for me to respect him as an equal when I felt like I always had to take care of him like I would for a child. We talked about it and came to an agreement. We would try using a house cleaner. Originally I was thinking she could come once a month to do a nice deep clean and I could maintain the rest during the month. Well, I was sick and down for a bit, and the house kept getting worse and worse. Matt was thinking we would utilize our house cleaner every few months, but I get super anxious and grumpy in a dirty house. Thank goodness my Mom and Megan came over and cleaned while I was sick. After they left Matt came home and my mood had completely changed. I was very relaxed and at peace. I just felt better knowing that the house was clean. I think that was the first time he realized just how much of an effect the cleanliness of our house had on me. We talked more about how he is a good cleaner at work, and how that is something that is expected of the guys at the station. I cautiously, on shaky ground asked him "why do you think they have you guys place so much effort and time into keeping things clean?" he looked at me and proceeded to talk about how fire fighters are well rounded men, they work hard and take pride in living in a well kept environment.." just then a smile crept across his cute face and he said "wait, where are you going with this?" ha you know right where I'm going buddy! "how is that any different than the pride you should take in your own home" he smiled again said ah-huh and walked away. I wasn't at all sure if I had gotten through to him, but it felt good asking him. Weeks passed and Matt was working really hard at the station. Although I missed him at home I have been really supportive with him working extra shifts if he thinks it won't be too much on him. I have also tried to be really supportive with his volunteer events and working a few days at Dodgers. I think after everything we have gone through this year I've just learned to let go of the things that aren't important to me. Of course I miss him while he's gone, but he enjoys working and wants to feel like he is supporting the family and so I am trying to allow him to do that. I am also trying to get better at being thankful and showing him how grateful I am that I am able to stay home with Harvey and not rush back to work. He has been very supportive of me taking the time needed to grieve the losses of Grace and Wyatt. So all of this jibber jaber brings me back to the point of this blog. Ha to talk about cleaning. Since Matt's out of the house working, he is more conscious of where our money is being spent. It's a good thing really. We learned to live with my income and his was a lot different than what we were accustomed to. In me staying home we have become wiser with where we spend money and what is really important. We have been working down our debt, and while it hasn't been easy we are learning how to make better money decisions. We have learned just how much it costs to raise children. We jokingly laugh at the figures because we have spent a large fraction of that just trying to have children. Kinda funny in the big picture. We have learned what's important and to us starting our own family is, no matter how much we have to spend doing it. There will always be bills to pay, but we are in no rush to buy bigger or better things. We simply want to be parents to children on earth. We both enjoy our cars and they run well, we like our townhouse and it is the perfect size for us, for now. Of course one day we would love to own a house, land with a big yard and horses, but thats not in the frame yet.. for now we are content being here, now. 

Sorry totally got off on a tangent! ha.. so this brings me to today. Earlier in the week Matt said he needed cleaning supplies. I asked what type of supplies he needed and for what. He told me they were for the house and they were specific supplies. It was hard for me to sit back and allow him to run the show. I clean things a certain way, and I use certain products. I don't like chemicals and I didn't want anything that couldn't be eaten. Harvey walks and sits everywhere in the house and he licks his paws. I would just die if he got sick from a harsh chemical. Matt went to target and got a cute little bucket to carry all of his supplies in. I was able to talk him into the "Green" cleaning products. He was excited and I was eager to see what may happen. In my mind I jokingly thought "Matts cleaning supplies are going to need to be dusted." I just didn't see them being used, but I didn't say that out loud. If he felt the urge to clean I was going to support it however I could. Today I met with a friend for lunch and when I arrived home I saw Matt's cleaning kit out. He was cleaning the bathrooms! I was shocked and excited. He asked if I had noticed and I told him I had and that they looked wonderful. He didn't have time to finish so I started cleaning and he asked me to stop. I told him that I was showing him love by finishing it. I wanted to show him my love by doing something I knew he would eventually do. I wanted to give him that time to do something else. It was nice. Once I started the bathroom it was like fire and I couldn't stop. I cleaned the kitchen, the counters, the floors, vacuumed, dusted, washed and dried all the laundry and then moved into the office... phew I was aching but it felt so good! I LOVE a clean house. It might be crazy but I honestly do. I decided to stop while I was ahead, my Dr. would probably kill me if he knew how much I was doing, but it felt good after feeling so icky for so long. 

So I guess the lesson here is to learn to compromise, but not settle. Be real with your inner self and communicate that to your partner so you don't build up years of resentment and anger. Hire a house cleaner if it makes your life easier. There is no shame in that! I love our house cleaner. She cleaned the house after Grace and Wyatt passed. I had just gotten home from months in the hospital and was too exhausted and weak to clean. The house needed love after so long and Lily came in and LOVED on it! I gave her a big hug and could have literally kissed her. Our house looked so stinking good. We have used her a few times and she always does a wonderful job. I love cleaning my own house, but I'm learning that its ok to ask for help, and that its ok to do things a little differently. 

Harvey inspecting Matt's cleaning bucket! Its a very organized bucket:)