I miss Grace and Wyatt so so much. The pain of their loss is indescribable. I am a different person now than I was before. I have changed so much. The way I view the world has very much changed. I cry a whole lot now. I didn't cry very often before. My faith has changed drastically. This is something Matt struggles with daily and I feel very sad that he is hurting because of my decisions. Fertility treatments were the beginning of my loss of self. You really lose all control. You accept science and charts as a normal regimen of daily life. everything is very structured and there isn't much room for error. We focus our time and energy on that, and hope it works. Then when it does work, the numerous medications and dr visits occupy our time. The endless nights spent on our couch or hospital bed. Complete loss of control. I required others to do 99% of every thing for me. The only thing I did was go to the bathroom and clean myself. Even this I relied on others to help me with at times. Then our emergency c-section. I cried and cried it was too early but again I had no control. In the Nicu we relied on the knowledge of our nurses and doctors, we were powerless. We were lucky to have a minute to touch their sweet soft skin. Watching our babies suffer before passing was the absolute worst. Knowing no matter what we couldn't do anything to save them. No amount of pleading or bargaining would save them. They would leave us here. Today marks 7 months since Grace and Wyatt were born and that memory is like fire in my mind. I can feel it burn into my memory. Moments of hope shattered by reality. The pain hasn't eased much at all. Life continues to progress all around me. I am barely trying to regain some normalcy, but failing even there. Some friends and family understand its a dance and encourage each step while others beat me down for not being different. It's very hard and really heartbreaking. It's pushed me into an isolation hole that I actually don't mind living in. I know it's not the best thing for me, but it's safe here. As I sit in the bathroom sobbing one hand clutches my dolls and my other hand rubs my abdomen. The scar that lines my bikini area is still puffy. It hurts just as much today as it did 7 months ago. The hope I had then is replaced by a new hope. Hope in being a better educated mommy. A mom who is willing to do anything to protect my babies. A mom who hopes to deliver a chubby term baby one day. A mom that still feels so so guilty for not advocating for myself or you when we were pregnant. A mom who has learned that just because doctors go to school for a long time doesn't mean they know more than you do. A mom who no longer cares if she is nice, I will be nice, but I will also do what's right, and that means putting my foot down when your wrong! I miss Grace and Wyatt. I am so thankful they have taught me so much. I am so so sad that they had to be sacrificed for me to have knowledge, and sacrificed so that their siblings might have a shot at life. My heart breaks a little each time I realize this. I love you my sweets, and I carry you with me always.
I once sat in your office and we traded photos of our much loved pets. You were an angel to me, explaining my meds, helping me with my cycle. The day I had my transfer I emailed you because I couldn't remember which floor to go to, you laughed and told me to "go make some babies". Later that day, you went on bed rest. Ive read your blog from the day one of the girls at the doctors office told me about it, and showed me photos of your beautiful Grace and Wyatt. Ive thought about you almost daily since then. Ive wanted to post a thousand times But you seemed like a private person and I didn't want to invade on your private feelings and thoughts. I cried for you and your family that day, while I silently prayed for my own babies. Your face is the one I saw when I was told at my 22 week check up that my cervix was shortening and they were sending me to St Jude "for monitoring" . I was sent home later that day with an order of bedrest, that was on a Friday. That Sunday my water broke, and I rushed to the hospital. For 24 hrs we were unsure of the fate of our daughters, yes they were twins. But because they were so young and not at the 24 week mark, there was nothing to be done. I delivered my beautiful baby girls and they quickly passed. Yesterday should have been my due date. I alternated between sadness, anger, fury and rage. The emptiness more than I can bear at times. I don't mean just emptiness, I mean the hollow, useless feeling that I have. The lack of movement and flutters. The despair. The hopelessness. All of our hopes and dreams all contained in one tiny box full of ashes. It doesn't seem possible. How can the heart hurt so bad and still continue to beat?
ReplyDeleteI may not have faith in a lot of things but I do have faith that this is not over! I will try again. It is a wanting that I cant fight.
Thank you for your blog and sharing what your going through. You helped me feel like I wasn't alone without even knowing it.
My sweet sweet friend. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a strong loving hug. I am so so sorry for your loss. The pain is a hurt that I wouldn't wish on anyone ever. I wish I could carry the pain for you, it seems awful for us both to suffer. Please know I am here for you always. I'm so proud of you for sharing your story with me and also for surviving after losing your beautiful girls. I'd love to hear about them if you would like to share. I'm sure they were so lovely! I imagine th smiling down on you. I often ask myself the same question you posed, how does the heart keep beating through so much heartache? It's amazing how strong yet incredibly weak we are. I'm sendin you love, hope and faith! You are right being a mommy again will happen. You have the spark, and where there is a little spark we can ignite a huge flame! I've learned a lot on this journey and I'd love to share with you! My personal email is andreamnatelborg@gmail.com.
DeleteHoping you rest well tonight.
Xo
Andrea