Tmi me

I have and continue to change

Some of the old me I miss a lot...

Maybe one day some of that old me will live again

I am more aware of my likes and dislikes

I am fairly open, but also very private

If I trust you chances are you will know a lot about me

I don't like gossipy people! I loath hearing the ins and outs of someone else's life... Unless its the source sharing directly with me

I feel great sorrow for those that judge. What a great awakening their own lives must be

Lazy people drive me insane

I am a clean freak to the CORE

People who force their faith upon other people make me sad. Their insecurities about their own faith are so obvious they feel the need to force a believer to feel not alone in their beliefs.

I've found a great connection with people who are strong in their faith yet not forceful about it

I don't know if there truly is a god

I hope there is a heaven and I hope it's a peaceful place

I have questions about religion that many have no answers for

I find it funny that when good things happen we praise god and when bad things occur we are silent and have no answers

I like the idea that religion might help people strive to become better but It isn't always that way

Many bad people go to church

Religions cause people to do some crazy things! 

Who decides what religion is the "right" religion

Most religions are filled with man made rules... I hate that

I am pretty private about my religious views, even more so after losing Grace and Wyatt

I've learned that I don't need to waste my breath arguing with people. They can win in their minds. I don't care 

I've learned what I want and deserve 

I'm not afraid to be alone

I'm not afraid to die

I actually crave death. the finality. the peace.

A warrior once quoted that, "to die would be a great adventure" I can't wait

While life is good, it's still not great

I hate surprise visits.... By anyone... Unless of course it's to present me with a million dollars

I'm not concerned with making friends, the ones I have far exceed my need for mediocre relationships

Healing is a process 

Being married is hard

Being married, doing fertility treatments and then having your babies die is even harder

Some people don't respect or understand that matt and i need and value alone time

Counceling is powerful

Holding yourself accountable for your own crap is exciting

People don't know how to respond to bad news

People are weird around death

I'm not a touchie person... AT ALL.. It actually creeps me out when people touch me

I'm ok with a quick friendly hug when greeting but don't like to be smothered

I'm ok with the occasional cheek kiss

Creeps are everywhere and it's scary that they blend in so well

I'm afraid of child predators

I'm afraid of living in the future

I'm afraid of the upcoming generation

When I see pregnant women my body feels like its been electrocuted

When I see babies my body tingles

I haven't been strong enough to attend a baby shower yet, I'm not sure when I will be

I have only been truly ok with one baby since losing Grace and Wyatt

I have a hard time hearing about other people's pregnancies or babies. Unless I specifically ask please don't share. It's too much for me. Trust me when I feel strong enough I will ask. 

I have many pregnant friends and I'm happy for them, but it's a healing process all the same

I've learned who I can lean on

I've made amazing lasting friendships

I've read a lot of books on grief, loss, and faith

I see not only a therapist but a psychiatrist too 

I've learned that I need Harvey as much as he needs me

I've learned that couples therapy is fun and beneficial

I've learned how to use "I feel" statements

I've learned to shut my mouth when I don't have anything appropriate to say, not that I always exercise this ability but I've learned it! 

I enjoy walking with Harvey

I miss working but am terrified to return

The thought of working with women as they try to conceive makes me panic... I hardly have hope for myself let alone day after day living and hoping with these women

I would love to return to Choc, but even that causes me insane anxiety.. The thought of looking into a parents eyes knowing they might soon bury their child kills me.. A slow agonizing pain

I wonder what Grace and Wyatt would look like now? 

I wonder how they would sound

Would they look like me? Like Matt?

Would I be pulling my hair out or thankful

I wonder why people are so selfish and make every little thing about them
I'm learning to let go of things that simply don't matter

These are just a few of the things that run through my head as Matt sleeps soundly besides me. Oh how I wish the thoughts would slow or stop... Maybe one day.. Not today lol