Today pretty much sucked. I'm so hurt, sad, angry, and heart broken all at once. I'm mad that Daddy's at work and I am here alone having another miscarriage. I'm mad that I'm having another miscarriage. I'm so angry. I'm jealous of women who are able to have babies, I feel judgemental when I look at someone and think why do you deserve to have a baby when you chose to neglect it? Or you do drugs, or you don't care for them. I feel robbed because I do my best to eat well, I exercise regularly, I am a pretty good person, I always try my best to help others. I just don't understand. I probably never will. I'm so angry I don't want to do anymore treatments. They are painful and end the exact same way. I want to yell, I want no one. Most people want their mommy or their teddy bear when they are in need of love, but not me. I have always been alone my entire life and so I have learned to want no one. Its really sad. when I cry or feel terrible I think I want my... and then I catch myself and say I want myself.
After last night I called the Dr who said to come in. They took blood and then looked inside my cervix with a cold tool. The Dr said there was fresh blood and a lot of it. He said he does not think this pregnancy is going to make it. I'm so mad and sad. I prayed every day and night for you. I prayed all the time, almost every hour. I drank plenty of water, I am really good. I cant tell you how hard and disappointing this is.
Thank God I have the lord to talk to, and also Erika. When I couldn't get in tough with Daddy I called her and she prayed with me right then on the phone. She offered very kind words and gave em a phone hug. It was really sweet and I'm so lucky to have a friend like her. I called daddy and asked him to come home. I really wish he would choose to be here rather than at work. This is such a hard and very sad time for me and it would be really nice to need him and have him support me. I know this is probably hard on him too, but I just wish it was different.
The Dr said he would call me today with the lab results and that he was sure it would be bad news. Its hard to be positive after that. I burst into tears and his office aid Delfina had to console me. She is really sweet. I pray for her, she is such a kind lady. Then it got worse as I had to walk out into the office, pay my co-pay and then leave. People were in the waiting room and there I was crying my eyes out. Susan the secretary told me not to drive home crying, and I knew I wasn't going to. I just wanted to get to my car where I could cry alone. I have such a hard time crying in front of people. I came home and Harvey was the best. He crawled onto the couch with me and put his paw on my leg. He licked my tears and just sat there. He is so sweet. I really love him and am so happy to have him.
If there is even the slightest chance that you could be ok, healthy and make it I pray with my whole heart that you do. I pray that God grants me peace, and faith, and comfort.
After last night I called the Dr who said to come in. They took blood and then looked inside my cervix with a cold tool. The Dr said there was fresh blood and a lot of it. He said he does not think this pregnancy is going to make it. I'm so mad and sad. I prayed every day and night for you. I prayed all the time, almost every hour. I drank plenty of water, I am really good. I cant tell you how hard and disappointing this is.
Thank God I have the lord to talk to, and also Erika. When I couldn't get in tough with Daddy I called her and she prayed with me right then on the phone. She offered very kind words and gave em a phone hug. It was really sweet and I'm so lucky to have a friend like her. I called daddy and asked him to come home. I really wish he would choose to be here rather than at work. This is such a hard and very sad time for me and it would be really nice to need him and have him support me. I know this is probably hard on him too, but I just wish it was different.
The Dr said he would call me today with the lab results and that he was sure it would be bad news. Its hard to be positive after that. I burst into tears and his office aid Delfina had to console me. She is really sweet. I pray for her, she is such a kind lady. Then it got worse as I had to walk out into the office, pay my co-pay and then leave. People were in the waiting room and there I was crying my eyes out. Susan the secretary told me not to drive home crying, and I knew I wasn't going to. I just wanted to get to my car where I could cry alone. I have such a hard time crying in front of people. I came home and Harvey was the best. He crawled onto the couch with me and put his paw on my leg. He licked my tears and just sat there. He is so sweet. I really love him and am so happy to have him.
If there is even the slightest chance that you could be ok, healthy and make it I pray with my whole heart that you do. I pray that God grants me peace, and faith, and comfort.
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