Today was a really hard day. My emotions are all over the place. Wacky like loony bin wacky. At one point this week I honestly thought maybe I needed to be locked into a special hospital. After analyzing that decision I thought it better to stay home. haha at loony bins they would over medicate me and I would be ?"fine" but my emotions would just be masked by mass quantities of drugs. No need to pollute my body any more than I already have.
Today I met Kelly for lunch. It was beyond lovely. Getting to lunch was a disaster. I have been to the restaurant a million times, but for some reason I could not manage to get there. I got lost three times. I pulled off the freeway crying and said "really what is wrong with me?" I felt drunk, aloof and not in my own body. It was dangerous to even be behind the wheel. Of course while I'm sobbing on the side of the road the song from your video I made came on. "Beautiful" by Mercy Me. I cried even more thinking of just how beautiful you both are. Finally I managed to find the restaurant in one piece and parked. Kelly was already there. We sat outside and it was a crisp and windy day. We were pretty chilly. We ordered hot tea and I pulled all of my stuffing onto the table. I pulled even the dirty ugly stuffing out. Stuffing that even I was embarrassed by and ashamed of. UGLY! Kelly just sat there with her beautiful blueish grey eyes looking lovingly back at me. Her love for me pouring onto that stuffing and sorting it all out. Never did she judge me for the color or consistency of the stuffing, she just looked at it, accepted it and helped me stick it back inside. She encouraged me, offered me stories, support, and ears that were never tired of listening and hugs that wrapped me tighter than my grief. She cares about me and about our future. She knows I will be a mom again one day and she is about as excited as we are. It was a real treat. I got to enjoy three whole hours with her. It was so nice of Maja and Ivo to let me borrow her for so long. She is beyond amazing, so down to earth, fun and amazing!! I can't say enough great things about her, her parenting, her friendship, her everything.
After lunch I came home and walked Harvey, not a long walk at all. It was chilly out and I felt too down to go far. He enjoyed the crisp air and his freedom though. We checked the mail and then retreated into the warm house. I had leftovers for dinner and then some wasabi peas for dessert haha they were yummy. I cried on the couch for a bit, and then I was OK for a little while, I filed my nails and clipped my cuticles. Then something triggered me and made me really sad again and the water works started all over again. Harvey sensed it and climbed onto the couch with me. I snuggled my face into his soft fur coat. He was so warm and it was really nice having him with me. He just knew I needed him. Daddy must have sensed something too because he called me then. In my tears I sobbed what happened that made me so sad. I told him that I just cannot believe this was our reality and that I am just so lost and hurt. We spoke for a bit and he told me he missed us. This week has just been terrible emotionally speaking. I have been so ugly, mean and hurtful to Daddy. I have said things that make me sad afterwards, thought things that are mean and have not been completely respectful of his feelings. I am hurting and because I feel like I can trust him completely he is stuck seeing all of my sides, even my mean bully side. I don't even know the Andrea that is here this week. The Andrea I know rarely says mean and hurtful things, she rarely if ever cries and she tries to be polite almost always. That girl is M.I.A. I hated being mean to Daddy. Our communication has been lacking and we are butting heads. We often times forget that we are on the same team. We are here to cheer one another on, not compete against each other. We need to stay strong to win in the end. I must admit though, that Heaven has never seemed so sweet as it does now knowing you are there. Losing you was hard, but living life without you here is even harder. Life is standing still for me yet all around me its revolving. Friends and family growing, maturing, seasons changing, life starting and ending. I am frozen, paralyzed in my sorrows, my grief. All day long I slap a happy face on and act brave for the world. I don't want to inconvenience anyone with my grief, my depression, my emotional wreck of a human.
Tonight in my heap of tears I reached out to a good friend, Erika. I felt bad because it was late and almost everyone I know was asleep or out enjoying their Friday night. I didn't want to be a sore thumb and drag the mood down for anyone. Erika called me quickly and listened as I poured my heart and eyes out on the other line. She validated my feelings and told me that what I am feeling is completely normal, and that it is not in any way normal to lose a baby let alone two. She told me that she has no idea what I am going through, and that she is here to stand beside me in the rain or sunshine. She will go down into a dark hole with me and pull me out. She will support me through it all. It was really good to hear and to know. So many friends and family members have told me to call if I need anything, and normally I don't. Tonight when I needed to talk to someone I was worried about the time, waking someone up, being a sad mess on the phone, or even worse encountering someone who just didn't understand my grief.
After talking to Erika I realized I had many texts, most from Daddy, but one from Jessica. Jessica invited me over to watch a movie. It was nice to be away from home and with her. She told me to text anytime if I needed anything. We ate malts and watched a movie. I just got home and am with Harvey now. He is such a cuddle bug. I am eager to snuggle with him. Daddy should be home in about 8 hours! So excited to see him and snuggle with him before he goes for his physical. He has a busy weekend so will be really tired. He is such a trooper and is working so hard. He is a great Daddy and cares about us so much!
I want to be a mom so badly. My whole body aches and shakes at the sadness I have from losing you. I want to have you back, and if I can't have you I want to have siblings for you now, yesterday, last week. If I were a normal person I could try immediately but I am not. I am stuck in the realm of infertile girl. I rely on people and science to tell me when I can try to get pregnant again. When the time is right for them or they think the time is right for me. I have three doctors telling me I can try when I am ready, my body is ready, my heart is ready. I will always ache for you, today and always until the end of time. I will always think about you, about who you were and how special you are to me. That will never change, nor will my desire to be a mom. To hold, feed and nurture a baby. To share my life with my family. Life is completely unfair sometimes. This is one of those many times.
This is the raw deal. Its me, this is as naked as most will ever see me. Its real and its full of pain. These are the tears I shed for you. The pain may not always be written on my face, but it will always be on my heart. I love you today and everyday.
Today I met Kelly for lunch. It was beyond lovely. Getting to lunch was a disaster. I have been to the restaurant a million times, but for some reason I could not manage to get there. I got lost three times. I pulled off the freeway crying and said "really what is wrong with me?" I felt drunk, aloof and not in my own body. It was dangerous to even be behind the wheel. Of course while I'm sobbing on the side of the road the song from your video I made came on. "Beautiful" by Mercy Me. I cried even more thinking of just how beautiful you both are. Finally I managed to find the restaurant in one piece and parked. Kelly was already there. We sat outside and it was a crisp and windy day. We were pretty chilly. We ordered hot tea and I pulled all of my stuffing onto the table. I pulled even the dirty ugly stuffing out. Stuffing that even I was embarrassed by and ashamed of. UGLY! Kelly just sat there with her beautiful blueish grey eyes looking lovingly back at me. Her love for me pouring onto that stuffing and sorting it all out. Never did she judge me for the color or consistency of the stuffing, she just looked at it, accepted it and helped me stick it back inside. She encouraged me, offered me stories, support, and ears that were never tired of listening and hugs that wrapped me tighter than my grief. She cares about me and about our future. She knows I will be a mom again one day and she is about as excited as we are. It was a real treat. I got to enjoy three whole hours with her. It was so nice of Maja and Ivo to let me borrow her for so long. She is beyond amazing, so down to earth, fun and amazing!! I can't say enough great things about her, her parenting, her friendship, her everything.
After lunch I came home and walked Harvey, not a long walk at all. It was chilly out and I felt too down to go far. He enjoyed the crisp air and his freedom though. We checked the mail and then retreated into the warm house. I had leftovers for dinner and then some wasabi peas for dessert haha they were yummy. I cried on the couch for a bit, and then I was OK for a little while, I filed my nails and clipped my cuticles. Then something triggered me and made me really sad again and the water works started all over again. Harvey sensed it and climbed onto the couch with me. I snuggled my face into his soft fur coat. He was so warm and it was really nice having him with me. He just knew I needed him. Daddy must have sensed something too because he called me then. In my tears I sobbed what happened that made me so sad. I told him that I just cannot believe this was our reality and that I am just so lost and hurt. We spoke for a bit and he told me he missed us. This week has just been terrible emotionally speaking. I have been so ugly, mean and hurtful to Daddy. I have said things that make me sad afterwards, thought things that are mean and have not been completely respectful of his feelings. I am hurting and because I feel like I can trust him completely he is stuck seeing all of my sides, even my mean bully side. I don't even know the Andrea that is here this week. The Andrea I know rarely says mean and hurtful things, she rarely if ever cries and she tries to be polite almost always. That girl is M.I.A. I hated being mean to Daddy. Our communication has been lacking and we are butting heads. We often times forget that we are on the same team. We are here to cheer one another on, not compete against each other. We need to stay strong to win in the end. I must admit though, that Heaven has never seemed so sweet as it does now knowing you are there. Losing you was hard, but living life without you here is even harder. Life is standing still for me yet all around me its revolving. Friends and family growing, maturing, seasons changing, life starting and ending. I am frozen, paralyzed in my sorrows, my grief. All day long I slap a happy face on and act brave for the world. I don't want to inconvenience anyone with my grief, my depression, my emotional wreck of a human.
Tonight in my heap of tears I reached out to a good friend, Erika. I felt bad because it was late and almost everyone I know was asleep or out enjoying their Friday night. I didn't want to be a sore thumb and drag the mood down for anyone. Erika called me quickly and listened as I poured my heart and eyes out on the other line. She validated my feelings and told me that what I am feeling is completely normal, and that it is not in any way normal to lose a baby let alone two. She told me that she has no idea what I am going through, and that she is here to stand beside me in the rain or sunshine. She will go down into a dark hole with me and pull me out. She will support me through it all. It was really good to hear and to know. So many friends and family members have told me to call if I need anything, and normally I don't. Tonight when I needed to talk to someone I was worried about the time, waking someone up, being a sad mess on the phone, or even worse encountering someone who just didn't understand my grief.
After talking to Erika I realized I had many texts, most from Daddy, but one from Jessica. Jessica invited me over to watch a movie. It was nice to be away from home and with her. She told me to text anytime if I needed anything. We ate malts and watched a movie. I just got home and am with Harvey now. He is such a cuddle bug. I am eager to snuggle with him. Daddy should be home in about 8 hours! So excited to see him and snuggle with him before he goes for his physical. He has a busy weekend so will be really tired. He is such a trooper and is working so hard. He is a great Daddy and cares about us so much!
I want to be a mom so badly. My whole body aches and shakes at the sadness I have from losing you. I want to have you back, and if I can't have you I want to have siblings for you now, yesterday, last week. If I were a normal person I could try immediately but I am not. I am stuck in the realm of infertile girl. I rely on people and science to tell me when I can try to get pregnant again. When the time is right for them or they think the time is right for me. I have three doctors telling me I can try when I am ready, my body is ready, my heart is ready. I will always ache for you, today and always until the end of time. I will always think about you, about who you were and how special you are to me. That will never change, nor will my desire to be a mom. To hold, feed and nurture a baby. To share my life with my family. Life is completely unfair sometimes. This is one of those many times.
This is the raw deal. Its me, this is as naked as most will ever see me. Its real and its full of pain. These are the tears I shed for you. The pain may not always be written on my face, but it will always be on my heart. I love you today and everyday.
You know I think all to often I belong in that wacky bin , it's hard all the time .. Life's so unfair :( I'm so sorry <3 big hugs beautiful x x
ReplyDeleteThank you! Life is indeed very unfair. It's amazing though, that in our sadness we met one another and are able to offer kindness, love and support. We are able to band together as sisters in this hard journey and remember our sweet babies. That's the sliver of light I am trying to hold tight to. I hope one day it will be brighter for us both, and although our sweets will not be in our arms again in this life I hope we will be mums again soon! We have so much love and life to share.
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