Today I am struggling. I want to be back in the hospital with you so badly. Tomorrow marks 9 weeks after you were born, and then Sunday will be 9 weeks since you left us. This week we would be going into our 34th week. Friday we would have been 34 weeks pregnant. I can't help but imagine how big my belly would have been, how much more I would feel you move, how excited we would be to have made it so far! We thought you might be born in November. I love November, its my favorite month for many reasons. Its still warm out, but also starts to get chilly. The air has a crispness in it that excites me to wear a scarf, jacket and sometimes gloves. The smells are different also, so fresh. The trees change color and the leaves scatter and crunch under my footsteps. I love November. Thanksgiving is also in November, and its my favorite holiday! I love the warm homes, the amazingly delicious food, family gathered around and the pressure of buying and receiving gifts is gone. I thought maybe you would come around then because its my favorite holiday, and I have so much to be thankful for. Some days its hard for me to see what I am thankful for. My world seems so lonely and so dark. My mind swells and spins with thoughts, images, hopes and reruns. Still at bed time I picture myself in the hospital with you. I am not sure if I will ever stop doing that. I would give anything in the world to go back to that time.
Daddy and I have been hopeful to find a surrogate and then move forward in the process of bringing a sibling home for you. I also know that we can and will never replace you, but in my heart I believe a sibling will help heal some of the hole that exists. A baby will bring me joy, its what we have always wanted. We will have a reason to get up, to move forward, and to live, someone to take care of besides ourselves. I know it will in no way wash all of our grief and pain away, but I am hopeful that it will help us smile and hope again.
Money, I hate money! I hate that most decisions in life are based on money for us. Not everyone has to think before the spend, but we do. We are pressured daily with how much we have, how much we need and how we will get it. I was so hopeful that Daddy would get hired so I could take more time away from work. I am having the hardest time picturing myself back in my office, helping women become pregnant, watching them get pregnant, and then seeing their happy babies. It KILLS me. It literally causes me to panic. My breathing gets shallow and rapid, my heart starts pounding and I feel like Im going to pass out. Freaks me out! I am hoping to stay out of work as long as possible, but feel pressured to go back so we can pay for things and "afford" life. I hate that! I hate that employees are only allotted 3 days off work for the death of a child, family member, spouse. So very sad. I hate that society feels they can issue a timeline for grieving. After three months it is assumed that you are done grieving, you need to pick up and move on. After the initial shock of losing your loved one you grieve, your family and friends grieve with you and then it fades. That shock is gone and lives continue. Many people don't want their lives to be interrupted by our grief, our sadness and our honest feelings. People may decide not to hang out with us, not to acknowledge our feelings and to let our friendships fade. Other friends will expect us to act as though nothing ever happened, like we were never pregnant, never had you, and never lost you. Its hard pretending with them. It makes me question my time and the importance of sharing time with certain people. I love when I feel free to talk about how I really feel. To share my future hopes, and to share the ugly that I have inside without being judged or frowned upon. I love when people listen and don't jump to give me advice. Our situation if 100% different than any similar situation and we will handle it how we think is best for us. Granted sometimes we will come to you and ask for support and guidance in our decisions and then we are welcome to your thoughts.
Surrogacy is so expensive! I could cry enough tears to fill Harvey's water bowl and then some. The medications are thousands of dollars, the delivery, doctors visits, the transfer process, lawyers...etc its a lot. We found a wonderful surrogate who is a beautiful woman. She is very loving and nurturing with her family and is a joy to watch parent. She was cleared by her ob to surrogate for us when we are ready. I was ready two months ago. Daddy was so excited and ready too. Yesterday though he reverted to his old money is so important it makes the world go round self. I hate when he does that. I hate that money causes most of our irritations with each other. He thinks we need money and wants money, yet he doesn't want to push me to return to work, but I am the only one with a job so how does that work. When he does that I get mad inside, my blood boils and I want to yell fine I will go back and cry everyday and hate my life and job for your precious money!!! I get so mad, sad and annoyed. Why can't he get a job and work. Why cant he support me. Ugh it just irritates me and I hate to be irritated with him. I know he is trying to get a job, but I want him to try harder. I am even more willing to move out of california if it means him getting hired. He just needs job experience. Also if we cant afford to get a surrogate then we will never bring kids home and he wont be a stay at home dad to Harvey again. Been there done that. If we had children he was raising I wouldn't mind working full time. Blah I hate money. I asked Daddy if we could get a loan to move forward and he told me that we already had x amount of debt, student loans, hospital bills, personal loans etc. not to mention our rent, car, insurance, utilities and phones. We really don't have much as far as monthly bills go, just the necessities that we can't live without. We rarely eat out, and when we do its usually from a gift card we were given. We have loads of movie vouchers and need to get motivated enough to get out. blah!!!
Anyway we are on our way out. I am going to sit at the book store and Daddy is going to meet with a pastor to talk about how he is doing. He needs guy time and Phil is an amazing man. He is the pastor at Erika's church. He came to pray with us the day after you passed. He has shown us so much support and love during this time. I am happy Daddy will have someone besides me to talk to.
Love you
Daddy and I have been hopeful to find a surrogate and then move forward in the process of bringing a sibling home for you. I also know that we can and will never replace you, but in my heart I believe a sibling will help heal some of the hole that exists. A baby will bring me joy, its what we have always wanted. We will have a reason to get up, to move forward, and to live, someone to take care of besides ourselves. I know it will in no way wash all of our grief and pain away, but I am hopeful that it will help us smile and hope again.
Money, I hate money! I hate that most decisions in life are based on money for us. Not everyone has to think before the spend, but we do. We are pressured daily with how much we have, how much we need and how we will get it. I was so hopeful that Daddy would get hired so I could take more time away from work. I am having the hardest time picturing myself back in my office, helping women become pregnant, watching them get pregnant, and then seeing their happy babies. It KILLS me. It literally causes me to panic. My breathing gets shallow and rapid, my heart starts pounding and I feel like Im going to pass out. Freaks me out! I am hoping to stay out of work as long as possible, but feel pressured to go back so we can pay for things and "afford" life. I hate that! I hate that employees are only allotted 3 days off work for the death of a child, family member, spouse. So very sad. I hate that society feels they can issue a timeline for grieving. After three months it is assumed that you are done grieving, you need to pick up and move on. After the initial shock of losing your loved one you grieve, your family and friends grieve with you and then it fades. That shock is gone and lives continue. Many people don't want their lives to be interrupted by our grief, our sadness and our honest feelings. People may decide not to hang out with us, not to acknowledge our feelings and to let our friendships fade. Other friends will expect us to act as though nothing ever happened, like we were never pregnant, never had you, and never lost you. Its hard pretending with them. It makes me question my time and the importance of sharing time with certain people. I love when I feel free to talk about how I really feel. To share my future hopes, and to share the ugly that I have inside without being judged or frowned upon. I love when people listen and don't jump to give me advice. Our situation if 100% different than any similar situation and we will handle it how we think is best for us. Granted sometimes we will come to you and ask for support and guidance in our decisions and then we are welcome to your thoughts.
Surrogacy is so expensive! I could cry enough tears to fill Harvey's water bowl and then some. The medications are thousands of dollars, the delivery, doctors visits, the transfer process, lawyers...etc its a lot. We found a wonderful surrogate who is a beautiful woman. She is very loving and nurturing with her family and is a joy to watch parent. She was cleared by her ob to surrogate for us when we are ready. I was ready two months ago. Daddy was so excited and ready too. Yesterday though he reverted to his old money is so important it makes the world go round self. I hate when he does that. I hate that money causes most of our irritations with each other. He thinks we need money and wants money, yet he doesn't want to push me to return to work, but I am the only one with a job so how does that work. When he does that I get mad inside, my blood boils and I want to yell fine I will go back and cry everyday and hate my life and job for your precious money!!! I get so mad, sad and annoyed. Why can't he get a job and work. Why cant he support me. Ugh it just irritates me and I hate to be irritated with him. I know he is trying to get a job, but I want him to try harder. I am even more willing to move out of california if it means him getting hired. He just needs job experience. Also if we cant afford to get a surrogate then we will never bring kids home and he wont be a stay at home dad to Harvey again. Been there done that. If we had children he was raising I wouldn't mind working full time. Blah I hate money. I asked Daddy if we could get a loan to move forward and he told me that we already had x amount of debt, student loans, hospital bills, personal loans etc. not to mention our rent, car, insurance, utilities and phones. We really don't have much as far as monthly bills go, just the necessities that we can't live without. We rarely eat out, and when we do its usually from a gift card we were given. We have loads of movie vouchers and need to get motivated enough to get out. blah!!!
Anyway we are on our way out. I am going to sit at the book store and Daddy is going to meet with a pastor to talk about how he is doing. He needs guy time and Phil is an amazing man. He is the pastor at Erika's church. He came to pray with us the day after you passed. He has shown us so much support and love during this time. I am happy Daddy will have someone besides me to talk to.
Love you
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