I'm sure I was never really normal, although who knows what normal is. We pretty much create what we envision as normal and if you fall out of the parameter you are abnormal. I know I will never be the same, my normal is gone and I am stuck trying to find the new me. Trying to adapt to a new way of living, thinking and acting. I have learned recently that some of the friends I have had will fall away, I will gain others and I will realize who my real friends are. Support and love surround me in so many forms and I am able to see the beauty in other people.
Today was a "good" day. My emotions are like a roller coaster, or maybe better put they are like the waves, always changing. Some moments of calmness and others are rough. Much like our time in the NICU I was told that the grieving process is two steps forward and five steps back. Days or even weeks of "good" days and then days or weeks of absolute depression and devastation. I am hoping that with Daddy's love and support coupled with the amazing family and friends we have around us we will learn to make the "good" days great and the bad days a little more bearable.
Today I met Jen at dog beach. We took Harvey, Banksey, and Brooklyn to play. They splashed around, chased balls, stole other pups toys and got really sandy. We took a nice walk on the beach and got wet in the warm water. The day was beautiful. The air was so warm. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. Just beautiful blue shades surrounding us. The breeze was light and refreshing. Jen has always been someone I have felt very comfortable with. I feel like I can tell her things that only I would hear in my head. I never feel ashamed for how I feel, or feel like I need to sugar coat things for her. She is an incredible listener and has amazing insight for being so young. I am so proud of the woman she is and the woman she aspires to be. She would have made such a wonderful loving aunt to you. She has and continues to be such a huge source of support in my life. She recognizes that although she may not always have the right words she is always there to love and support me in my journey. She never pushes me to grieve faster or be in a different mood. She is understanding and respectful. I love that about her.
After the beach I was beyond exhausted. I was actually exhausted prior to the beach. I felt as though I could have slept all day and been happy doing just that. Harvey was in bed with me and I loved that. He is such a good spooner. Sometimes he breathes heavy which wakes me up but normally I can pat him and tell him he's OK and he will settle in and sleep better. Any how I woke up to meet Jen and also take Harvey because I knew he would have a blast there with his friends, and knew it was supposed to be a beautiful day. We came home and I fed Harvey and refreshed his water bowls. After that I took a shower and got ready for my first support group meeting. I was anxious, but also excited to go. I was hopeful to meet friendly people and get some help through this process. Paola offered to go with me since Daddy was at work, and luckily the woman in charge of the group agreed.
Paola and I arrived on time, the location was huge, but we found the class room very easily. The woman and her husband were very friendly. There was supposed to be a larger group but it ended up just being us. I didn't mind one bit. It allowed us to really connect and share more information. Their story was so sad, raw, and heartbreaking. We shared so many of the exact same feelings, thoughts, and angers. Her husband actually said he felt like I must have been standing in the room with them 6 years ago when this all happened because our angers and devastation's were so similar. It made me feel relieved to know I wasn't the only person who became angry at "God" and questioned him. It was reassuring to hear that she too questioned her care, her body and her purpose. It took them a long time to grieve and they said they are still grieving. They have since gone on to have children which has helped immensely. She said she wasn't able to recover to a new normal until she brought her baby home. Once she had a reason to live and knew she was a mom here she was able to take a big step forward. I too feel like this will be something that will help heal some of the gaping hole that is my heart currently. The fear of failure and heartache is so large that even trying again terrifies me. I cannot imagine losing another child, to put so much time, hope and effort into a baby that might not come home with us. It is just so hard. We talked about therapists, doctors, friends, support, books that helped, medications and break downs. She too suffered from panic attacks, she also found nights to be the hardest, she had a really hard time when her hubby left for work. All the feelings I have been struggling with. She said when her hubby left she would have a melt down because she feared he would die. Daddy and I struggle with that exact thing. We hate being out of each others sight. His returning to work has been really hard on us. Daddy used to have a hard time away for 24 hours prior to your death, but now its been really hard. He sees how long 24 hours really is. It is really really long. I have been doing better with him back to work. I have been trying to stay busy and do a few things daily when I feel up to it, and when I don't I allow myself to sit and just be. I was able to borrow a few books that I hadn't purchased yet. They are on grieving, and living after loss. I am hopeful that Daddy will be able to make the classes. I know he would have found their story to have been valuable. We all cried tonight when they shared the story. Every pair of eyes glistened and we all felt the pain in our souls from their loss of their sweet baby. A baby they had anticipated with such love and excitement. Their story was so different from ours, and so devastating in its entirety. The ability to pick oneself up and live after experiencing such loss and such tragedy is astounding. I am so proud of every parent who has survived the loss of their child or children. It is truly that, surviving. I know we will survive, but to what extent I am unsure. I am hopeful that I can still be a positive factor and change in others lives, I hope that through my existence I can love and show hope to others. I am hopeful that I will learn to hope and dream again. Right now I haven't been able to. Every happy thought that enters my mind I shove away in fear of wanting it and then losing it, or being robbed of it. I am hoping to focus on what I want, learn to hope for it, and dream to receive it.
Well my sweet angels I am really sleepy. I am hopeful that Daddy gets some good rest tonight. He is off tomorrow and we are hoping to take Harvey back to the beach. We are excited to share some time together. So many things to share with him, and I am so eager to be back outside at the warm beach. Its like the summer is living longer since I missed it in the hospital. I don't mind one bit. So many people complain about the seasons and how it should be cold right now, but we should be happy we are alive and outside in the beautiful air and world. It can all disappear in a minute, so why not embrace every second in it!
I love you both so much and I miss you every day.
Mommy
Today was a "good" day. My emotions are like a roller coaster, or maybe better put they are like the waves, always changing. Some moments of calmness and others are rough. Much like our time in the NICU I was told that the grieving process is two steps forward and five steps back. Days or even weeks of "good" days and then days or weeks of absolute depression and devastation. I am hoping that with Daddy's love and support coupled with the amazing family and friends we have around us we will learn to make the "good" days great and the bad days a little more bearable.
Today I met Jen at dog beach. We took Harvey, Banksey, and Brooklyn to play. They splashed around, chased balls, stole other pups toys and got really sandy. We took a nice walk on the beach and got wet in the warm water. The day was beautiful. The air was so warm. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. Just beautiful blue shades surrounding us. The breeze was light and refreshing. Jen has always been someone I have felt very comfortable with. I feel like I can tell her things that only I would hear in my head. I never feel ashamed for how I feel, or feel like I need to sugar coat things for her. She is an incredible listener and has amazing insight for being so young. I am so proud of the woman she is and the woman she aspires to be. She would have made such a wonderful loving aunt to you. She has and continues to be such a huge source of support in my life. She recognizes that although she may not always have the right words she is always there to love and support me in my journey. She never pushes me to grieve faster or be in a different mood. She is understanding and respectful. I love that about her.
After the beach I was beyond exhausted. I was actually exhausted prior to the beach. I felt as though I could have slept all day and been happy doing just that. Harvey was in bed with me and I loved that. He is such a good spooner. Sometimes he breathes heavy which wakes me up but normally I can pat him and tell him he's OK and he will settle in and sleep better. Any how I woke up to meet Jen and also take Harvey because I knew he would have a blast there with his friends, and knew it was supposed to be a beautiful day. We came home and I fed Harvey and refreshed his water bowls. After that I took a shower and got ready for my first support group meeting. I was anxious, but also excited to go. I was hopeful to meet friendly people and get some help through this process. Paola offered to go with me since Daddy was at work, and luckily the woman in charge of the group agreed.
Paola and I arrived on time, the location was huge, but we found the class room very easily. The woman and her husband were very friendly. There was supposed to be a larger group but it ended up just being us. I didn't mind one bit. It allowed us to really connect and share more information. Their story was so sad, raw, and heartbreaking. We shared so many of the exact same feelings, thoughts, and angers. Her husband actually said he felt like I must have been standing in the room with them 6 years ago when this all happened because our angers and devastation's were so similar. It made me feel relieved to know I wasn't the only person who became angry at "God" and questioned him. It was reassuring to hear that she too questioned her care, her body and her purpose. It took them a long time to grieve and they said they are still grieving. They have since gone on to have children which has helped immensely. She said she wasn't able to recover to a new normal until she brought her baby home. Once she had a reason to live and knew she was a mom here she was able to take a big step forward. I too feel like this will be something that will help heal some of the gaping hole that is my heart currently. The fear of failure and heartache is so large that even trying again terrifies me. I cannot imagine losing another child, to put so much time, hope and effort into a baby that might not come home with us. It is just so hard. We talked about therapists, doctors, friends, support, books that helped, medications and break downs. She too suffered from panic attacks, she also found nights to be the hardest, she had a really hard time when her hubby left for work. All the feelings I have been struggling with. She said when her hubby left she would have a melt down because she feared he would die. Daddy and I struggle with that exact thing. We hate being out of each others sight. His returning to work has been really hard on us. Daddy used to have a hard time away for 24 hours prior to your death, but now its been really hard. He sees how long 24 hours really is. It is really really long. I have been doing better with him back to work. I have been trying to stay busy and do a few things daily when I feel up to it, and when I don't I allow myself to sit and just be. I was able to borrow a few books that I hadn't purchased yet. They are on grieving, and living after loss. I am hopeful that Daddy will be able to make the classes. I know he would have found their story to have been valuable. We all cried tonight when they shared the story. Every pair of eyes glistened and we all felt the pain in our souls from their loss of their sweet baby. A baby they had anticipated with such love and excitement. Their story was so different from ours, and so devastating in its entirety. The ability to pick oneself up and live after experiencing such loss and such tragedy is astounding. I am so proud of every parent who has survived the loss of their child or children. It is truly that, surviving. I know we will survive, but to what extent I am unsure. I am hopeful that I can still be a positive factor and change in others lives, I hope that through my existence I can love and show hope to others. I am hopeful that I will learn to hope and dream again. Right now I haven't been able to. Every happy thought that enters my mind I shove away in fear of wanting it and then losing it, or being robbed of it. I am hoping to focus on what I want, learn to hope for it, and dream to receive it.
Well my sweet angels I am really sleepy. I am hopeful that Daddy gets some good rest tonight. He is off tomorrow and we are hoping to take Harvey back to the beach. We are excited to share some time together. So many things to share with him, and I am so eager to be back outside at the warm beach. Its like the summer is living longer since I missed it in the hospital. I don't mind one bit. So many people complain about the seasons and how it should be cold right now, but we should be happy we are alive and outside in the beautiful air and world. It can all disappear in a minute, so why not embrace every second in it!
I love you both so much and I miss you every day.
Mommy
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