We have had a few good days! After a nice Thursday with Megan and Mila, Daddy and I had dinner with his friends that were in town for a wedding. It was nice. We came home pretty early because Daddy had to work the next day. We all woke up at 4:30 which stunk, but I couldn't sleep and Daddy had to work. Harvey and I just snuggled together in bed while the band across the street played loudly. I eventually got up and printed some documents for my chemotherapy recertification course. It's due at the end of the month. Even though I'm not currently working I hate to let it lapse. Also I really enjoyed reading new medications and advances. It makes me excited about something, which has been so rare. After that papa Steve called and sent a few pictures of me when I was younger. Daddy thinks you Grace looked a lot like me. I like that!! Wyatt you looked like your handsome Daddy. So neat;) I liked that my dad sent those pictures it reminded me of a time where I had less sadness. Although my childhood was insane and pretty unstable and emotionally distraught it got better. Those pictures represented the beginning of my life as me, where I was accepted and lived freely. Where I was a kid and did things kids can. I was such a big daddys girl! I would paint the garage, fish, mow the lawn, anything to be with my dad! Too cute. Well I met my dad for lunch. We had sushi. It was good!! It was also really special getting to share solo time with him. We talked about jobs, growing up, you both, daddy and our goals towards bringing siblings home for you. Papa Steve is worried of course. It's cute he still tries to shelter and protect me. I like that, it made the weight on my shoulders seem somewhat lighter knowing I had his support and knowing he cared. After lunch we got groceries and then headed home. I got to see your uncles and Grandma Jeanne. Your uncles are growing so quickly! I love watching them change into boys and now Matt is even into the young man stage!! Yikes it flies by. I got to walk with Ian and share time learning about his school and running. He's doing a marathon like me;) he reminds me a lot of myself when I was younger. So cute. He said he was sad that he's not going to be an uncle yet. But he also said he will someday! It made me smile. He's a sweet boy. Grandma Jeanne and I also got to talk for a long time. I've missed it. It made me want to crawl into a room and nap i felt safe, warm and at home. After family time I went to redondo beach to spend the night with Franny. We ate at a delicious veggie house for dinner. I enjoyed it so much. I love veggies and vegetarian food, I just wish I knew more recipes because it's dull eating the same meal over again. Especially with no desire to cook, clean or eat! Haha it was yummy. We walked back to her place and sat outside taking the night in, listening to waves crash, and enjoying our conpany. We had harvey and forrest with us. It was chilly but is supposed to warm up tomorrow. Weird weather. I slept well which surprised me since I was so anxious and worriesd about the night there. Harvey slept in bed with us and forrest slept in his bed by frannys pillow. We woke up early because I had a class in Fullerton to make. I took a class on vaccines and illness. I absolutely loved it!! A lot was a refresher, but there was a good amount I didn't know. I love learnig the history behind medications, illness', and also hearing personal stories about people who have lived through them all. The speaker is a well respected physician. She treats mothers and children. She is in la so far from me, but she was so knowledgeable I would make the drive to her. After the class I asked a few questions about homeopathic treatments for pre mature labor and irritable uterus. We talked very quickly about you, she put her hand on her heart and was reassured when I told her I was planning to make and appountment with her. She was happy. She said before we can fix our uterus we need to work on our heart. I think we might have some good ideas to help my anxiety, depression, worries and to help me sleep!!! I'll keep you updated;)
Auntie Jessica and Megan came to the class also! I'm excited we got to learn together. It made me want to go back to school. I love learning and broadening my knowledge base. I'd love to finish schooling and get my pediatric nurse practitioner license and also a double major in palliative care. Possibly specialize in homeopathy too! How cool would that be? If Daddy gets hired I will!!! Auntie Megan and Mila made us amazing cupcakes! They were pumpkin spice with walnuts for protein and chocolate for antioxidants! I had 3!! They were still warm;) so good. I think you must have been watching her make them because they were beyond heavenly!
Tonight I made dinner, I made a veggie salad with squash, peppers, onions, tomatoes, celery, mushrooms, mixed greens and miso ginger dressing with couscous. It was so good! Daddy and I talked about what we can do to be more loving and helpful towards each other. I thanked him for his help with the house lately and also for being so wonderful to Harvey. I also told him that it would help me to have him join me for our therapist sessions and he agreed. He said he wanted to make sure we continue to communicate well. I'm a pretty good communicator but sometimes it's hard for Daddy to express his thoughts. We are hopeful it will help. One thing we talked about that was especially hard for us this week was when people made weird remarks to us. Someone told Daddy that they had been thinking of us and that it was ok that you passed because we are young and can try again. Daddy was so annoyed and I was too. Not many people know how incredibly hard it was to even get pregnant or carry to 26 weeks! Some people are so naive to believe its so easy to get pregnant, and that you can replace your loss. Lame. Another person told me that it was in Gods will. He kept saying I truly believe its in Gods will. It caused me to hate that God all over again. It's not in Gods will to take babies away, or cause the evilness in this world. I can't believe that, if it's true I hate that and what a yucky world to live in. I need to believe in some goodness for my sanity.
Tomorrow I am meeting with Jen and her pups at the beach. Harvey is going to be so excited. It's supposed to be a beautiful day!! So happy to walk at the beach and watch Harvey play with his friends. It will be nice to be with Jen too. She always is so positive and lifts my spirits. She was so excited about you both. She is a great auntie.
After the beach we have our support group!! Our first meeting. I'm eager but anxious also. I'm hoping it helps. Daddy works the next three Sundays so I might end up going solo. Paola offered to go with me or just drive me there and bring me home. Auntie Emily did too. So thoughtful of them. I asked the lady running it, because I want to make sure im respectful to other mommies and daddies there, but I haven't heard back yet. We will see. I will also update you on that.
Daddy works thanksgiving which makes me sad. It's my favorite holiday and I get teary eyed thinking about it without you. Gosh that's hard. Another hard pill to swallow today was getting another bill in the mail from the hospital. It's not the fact that we owe thousands of dollars. I could care less about money or how much we owe. I only care about you. It breaks my heart seeing a bill and knowing you won't be coming home. Ouch. I hate that:(
Well loves we are going to bed. Daddy works tomorrow and we have a long day. Tomorrow is day light savings time so we gain a whole hour!! Woohoo!
We have a lot to look forward to this week. Daddy has four days off starting Monday. We have dinner plans with your auntie Jess, uncle Kenny and your cousins Sydney and Logan. Daddy is
Meeting with Phil to talk about how hes coping. We have plans with Mila and Megan to go for a walk!! We have plans to watch twilight this week before the new movie comes out!! So excited. I am hoping we can connect with Kelly, I've really missed her. She's such a great listener, friend and mom. She gives me a lot of hope. We are both so busy and when your a mommy life is unpredictable. Also some days I just plain feel crummy and stay in. If I ever flake it's because it's a bad day and I need to be home. Forgive me. Well I love you my sweet bugs. Be with Daddy and keep him safe;)
Auntie Jessica and Megan came to the class also! I'm excited we got to learn together. It made me want to go back to school. I love learning and broadening my knowledge base. I'd love to finish schooling and get my pediatric nurse practitioner license and also a double major in palliative care. Possibly specialize in homeopathy too! How cool would that be? If Daddy gets hired I will!!! Auntie Megan and Mila made us amazing cupcakes! They were pumpkin spice with walnuts for protein and chocolate for antioxidants! I had 3!! They were still warm;) so good. I think you must have been watching her make them because they were beyond heavenly!
Tonight I made dinner, I made a veggie salad with squash, peppers, onions, tomatoes, celery, mushrooms, mixed greens and miso ginger dressing with couscous. It was so good! Daddy and I talked about what we can do to be more loving and helpful towards each other. I thanked him for his help with the house lately and also for being so wonderful to Harvey. I also told him that it would help me to have him join me for our therapist sessions and he agreed. He said he wanted to make sure we continue to communicate well. I'm a pretty good communicator but sometimes it's hard for Daddy to express his thoughts. We are hopeful it will help. One thing we talked about that was especially hard for us this week was when people made weird remarks to us. Someone told Daddy that they had been thinking of us and that it was ok that you passed because we are young and can try again. Daddy was so annoyed and I was too. Not many people know how incredibly hard it was to even get pregnant or carry to 26 weeks! Some people are so naive to believe its so easy to get pregnant, and that you can replace your loss. Lame. Another person told me that it was in Gods will. He kept saying I truly believe its in Gods will. It caused me to hate that God all over again. It's not in Gods will to take babies away, or cause the evilness in this world. I can't believe that, if it's true I hate that and what a yucky world to live in. I need to believe in some goodness for my sanity.
Tomorrow I am meeting with Jen and her pups at the beach. Harvey is going to be so excited. It's supposed to be a beautiful day!! So happy to walk at the beach and watch Harvey play with his friends. It will be nice to be with Jen too. She always is so positive and lifts my spirits. She was so excited about you both. She is a great auntie.
After the beach we have our support group!! Our first meeting. I'm eager but anxious also. I'm hoping it helps. Daddy works the next three Sundays so I might end up going solo. Paola offered to go with me or just drive me there and bring me home. Auntie Emily did too. So thoughtful of them. I asked the lady running it, because I want to make sure im respectful to other mommies and daddies there, but I haven't heard back yet. We will see. I will also update you on that.
Daddy works thanksgiving which makes me sad. It's my favorite holiday and I get teary eyed thinking about it without you. Gosh that's hard. Another hard pill to swallow today was getting another bill in the mail from the hospital. It's not the fact that we owe thousands of dollars. I could care less about money or how much we owe. I only care about you. It breaks my heart seeing a bill and knowing you won't be coming home. Ouch. I hate that:(
Well loves we are going to bed. Daddy works tomorrow and we have a long day. Tomorrow is day light savings time so we gain a whole hour!! Woohoo!
We have a lot to look forward to this week. Daddy has four days off starting Monday. We have dinner plans with your auntie Jess, uncle Kenny and your cousins Sydney and Logan. Daddy is
Meeting with Phil to talk about how hes coping. We have plans with Mila and Megan to go for a walk!! We have plans to watch twilight this week before the new movie comes out!! So excited. I am hoping we can connect with Kelly, I've really missed her. She's such a great listener, friend and mom. She gives me a lot of hope. We are both so busy and when your a mommy life is unpredictable. Also some days I just plain feel crummy and stay in. If I ever flake it's because it's a bad day and I need to be home. Forgive me. Well I love you my sweet bugs. Be with Daddy and keep him safe;)
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