Hi my sweet sweet angels,
Gosh I miss you so much. I would give anything to have you here for a minute again with me. My forehead aches from being crinkled, my eyes burn from crying and my throat feels tight. I am strong, I used to be so much stronger. I don't know how to be your mommy without you. I think of ways to help others or be a better person, to give, to love better but I still ache for you. I ache to bring you home. To hold, to rock, to kiss, to listen to. I long for sleepless nights, for any reminder that you are here. You are both so beautiful babes. The most Georgous babies I've ever seen. Gosh you were so small bugs. So so small. Today your auntie and I were looking through your bins. I hadn't seen everything you had because Daddy packed it all up. Well today we looked at all your things, we talked, we laughed a lot and we remembered. We found some really tiny premie outfits I think might have fit you! It's amazing to see how small the clothes were, perhaps they would have been big on you. We took Harvey for a walk and noticed SAMs was having the koji taco truck again so we got lunch there. Tonight was our family Christmas party. Our family always celebrates with our aunts uncles cousins grandparents and parents before Christmas. It's always really fun, beautiful decorations, laughter, food, wine, music... This year I couldn't get going. You should have been here! You should be being passed around the room, people holding and smiling down on you. Instead your not. It was too hard so I stayed home with Harvey. I painted, ate some lentil soup auntie made me and drank some hot chocolate and coffee. I did laundry and watched a movie with Harvey.
Today auntie, Mila, Harvey and I took pictures with your dolls. Everyone was dressed up. Well I set the dolls aside and then busied myself for the day. When Harvey and I came to bed I panicked because I couldn't see them. Normally I'd freak out, rip sheets off the bed, throw things to the floor, fly down the stairs sobbing until I find you, but today I calmly but frantically looked for you. You were in the laundry basket. Phew! I almost passéd out. When my hands held your dolls my blood pressure dropped and my body tingled. I kissed your dolls and climbed into bed with them. Tonight I'm brewing serenity. I like the sound of brewing more than humidifying although they both sound nice. Brewing makes me sound like a witch which I'd like to be for a bit! Haha
Anyway serenity should help calm me and soothe us to sleep. It's already worked magic on your brother! He's sleeping on my side of the bed, guess that means I'll sleep on daddy's side. Your brother has been beyond sweet and clingy lately. He follows me everywhere. He even leaves his bone to come upstairs with me! It's pretty cute and sweet to see. He took a nice hot tea tree shower last night and loved it. He's such a good boy. He is so wonderful with Mila. I love watching them interact. Gosh I just love to imagine how he would be with you both and how you would be with him. I'm sure it would be equal abuse and love. You pulling on him, him stepping on you, you feeding him food, him licking you. Oh it makes me smile! He would be so protective of you! Today we took pictures with Mila, Harvey and your dolls. I'll post them soon. I'm sure you were smiling. Mila smiled once we placed your dolls near her. She's so sweet and is getting so big! It amazes me each day to see how much she has grown and changed just these last three months! Gosh can you believe she will be three months next week? You were three months the 12th! I wonder how big you would be, if you would be home, what we would be doing. Gosh I miss you!
Your auntie Megan wrote you both a beautiful letter! I loved it!! She loves you both so much! She is always willing to talk about you, remember you, be sad with me over you and hope with me for a future. She is able to understand me so much. We both went through fertility treatments, we both were on bed rest, we both had babies in the nicu. Its nice having someone who knows what we went through. Im sad she had to go theough it, but its comforting not being comoketely alone. It's so amazing how we met and have become so close all because of you and Mila! Its amazing. You never know! oh another fun thing today was your stockings arrived in the mail. Mary the woman who made them is such a lovely woman. She sent a stocking for the four of us, you both, daddy and myself. She also included an extra stocking for your future sibling. It brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart! It was beyond thoughtful of her! I'm going to write her tomorrow to tell her how lovely they are and how much we love them! We have two letters so far in your stockings and many gifts have been given in your honor!
I love you both.
Gosh I miss you so much. I would give anything to have you here for a minute again with me. My forehead aches from being crinkled, my eyes burn from crying and my throat feels tight. I am strong, I used to be so much stronger. I don't know how to be your mommy without you. I think of ways to help others or be a better person, to give, to love better but I still ache for you. I ache to bring you home. To hold, to rock, to kiss, to listen to. I long for sleepless nights, for any reminder that you are here. You are both so beautiful babes. The most Georgous babies I've ever seen. Gosh you were so small bugs. So so small. Today your auntie and I were looking through your bins. I hadn't seen everything you had because Daddy packed it all up. Well today we looked at all your things, we talked, we laughed a lot and we remembered. We found some really tiny premie outfits I think might have fit you! It's amazing to see how small the clothes were, perhaps they would have been big on you. We took Harvey for a walk and noticed SAMs was having the koji taco truck again so we got lunch there. Tonight was our family Christmas party. Our family always celebrates with our aunts uncles cousins grandparents and parents before Christmas. It's always really fun, beautiful decorations, laughter, food, wine, music... This year I couldn't get going. You should have been here! You should be being passed around the room, people holding and smiling down on you. Instead your not. It was too hard so I stayed home with Harvey. I painted, ate some lentil soup auntie made me and drank some hot chocolate and coffee. I did laundry and watched a movie with Harvey.
Today auntie, Mila, Harvey and I took pictures with your dolls. Everyone was dressed up. Well I set the dolls aside and then busied myself for the day. When Harvey and I came to bed I panicked because I couldn't see them. Normally I'd freak out, rip sheets off the bed, throw things to the floor, fly down the stairs sobbing until I find you, but today I calmly but frantically looked for you. You were in the laundry basket. Phew! I almost passéd out. When my hands held your dolls my blood pressure dropped and my body tingled. I kissed your dolls and climbed into bed with them. Tonight I'm brewing serenity. I like the sound of brewing more than humidifying although they both sound nice. Brewing makes me sound like a witch which I'd like to be for a bit! Haha
Anyway serenity should help calm me and soothe us to sleep. It's already worked magic on your brother! He's sleeping on my side of the bed, guess that means I'll sleep on daddy's side. Your brother has been beyond sweet and clingy lately. He follows me everywhere. He even leaves his bone to come upstairs with me! It's pretty cute and sweet to see. He took a nice hot tea tree shower last night and loved it. He's such a good boy. He is so wonderful with Mila. I love watching them interact. Gosh I just love to imagine how he would be with you both and how you would be with him. I'm sure it would be equal abuse and love. You pulling on him, him stepping on you, you feeding him food, him licking you. Oh it makes me smile! He would be so protective of you! Today we took pictures with Mila, Harvey and your dolls. I'll post them soon. I'm sure you were smiling. Mila smiled once we placed your dolls near her. She's so sweet and is getting so big! It amazes me each day to see how much she has grown and changed just these last three months! Gosh can you believe she will be three months next week? You were three months the 12th! I wonder how big you would be, if you would be home, what we would be doing. Gosh I miss you!
Your auntie Megan wrote you both a beautiful letter! I loved it!! She loves you both so much! She is always willing to talk about you, remember you, be sad with me over you and hope with me for a future. She is able to understand me so much. We both went through fertility treatments, we both were on bed rest, we both had babies in the nicu. Its nice having someone who knows what we went through. Im sad she had to go theough it, but its comforting not being comoketely alone. It's so amazing how we met and have become so close all because of you and Mila! Its amazing. You never know! oh another fun thing today was your stockings arrived in the mail. Mary the woman who made them is such a lovely woman. She sent a stocking for the four of us, you both, daddy and myself. She also included an extra stocking for your future sibling. It brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart! It was beyond thoughtful of her! I'm going to write her tomorrow to tell her how lovely they are and how much we love them! We have two letters so far in your stockings and many gifts have been given in your honor!
I love you both.
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