Today I am sad, scared, irritated, moody, angry and mad all at the same time. They say try not to stress, its bad for the baby, but every thing about pregnancy up to this point has been stressful. Worrying about conceiving, my body, will it work, will it not, is it me, is it not me, missing my period, getting "not pregnant" on the tests, waiting to take the blood tests, and the bleeding. The bleeding is the worst, I have no idea if its spotting, I've never had spotting or been pregnant before. Duh!
I called the Dr. today to let them know I had bleeding over the weekend and even more today, light I suppose compared to my monthly period. The NP was not the sweetest person in the world and probably should not have been the selected phone call returner. She was all negative, she said yes, you are most likely having a...miscarriage. Then said there is nothing you can do about it, just let it pass on its own, and you wont need a blood test, because well that wont matter now. I was like? what? are you serious! She had no hope at all, which I suppose I am lacking and Matty seems to be the only one with. I was so sad when I got though talking with her. Five minutes later thought the DR. called and said relax, don't stress, call if the bleeding gets worse, and to come home from our trip and take the blood test. I have been reading many blogs and there are so many heartbreaking stories out there. I'm so used to being a heartbreak story myself that I'm not sure why I even thought this would be easy. I'm so used to trying hard, or fighting like hell for everything. I'm trying to be positive, I'm trying to let God help us, I'm trying to not stress, but really give me a break. I'm dealing with this all alone. Matt knows some, but I try to spare him all the details because he has so much else on his mind, and because he is always positive and I hate to be the Debbie downer who says yes we might be losing our first baby. Almost all blogs say m/c, but one I came across said she had bleeding with clots the entire time and here baby was healthy and fine. I'm trying to have faith and hope.
Please Lord give me comfort and peace. I pray that you would bless my body and keep the baby safe if they are still in there. I pray that he/she continues to grow and is healthy. Please be with us, keep me positive and grateful, bring me peace, and faith. I really need faith father, please be with me and carry some of my stress, Its very hard to carry and heavy for me to bear on my own. Please bless this experience good or bad and help us to become stronger people because of it.
I love you my little bug, I hope you are growing in my tummy, but if you are not, I pray that you have an amazing life with God, I also pray that you smile down on Mommy and Daddy when you see us. Hang around us and still be part of our family. We love you!
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