I've been feeling unsteady in my faith lately. A lot after the second miscarriage and even more so each day I work only to find a new child and family suffering. My faith is shaken by the reality that innocent children suffer long and brutal deaths fighting cancer a horrific disease until they take their last breath. My heart questions the lord and his goodness when he allows us as nurses, the people who are supposed to help these kids Poison them with toxic chemotherapy drugs day after day. I see their hair falling Out, Their pillows covered in hair that was one day beautiful hair. Hair of all colors and textures the chemo has no favorites it takes all kinds. I see kids in pain, their bones hurt, their stomach's are so nauseated that they are unable to even look at food. They heave their insides being ripped out with each lurch of vomit. Their immune systems are weak and they are susceptible to something as innocent as a the common cold. Their bodies are limp, pale and frail. Their parents hearts break a little each time they look at their new child. Their picture of the perfect family is now hidden in the back of their mind. A perfect family is a distant hope and now the only picture a parent can see is one that contains their sick child in it.
This picture is my daily reality, Through this I strive to see the goodness in this life, It has been hard these last few weeks but today it was very apparent to me. I was driving to dog park with Harvey beside me when I was praying for Keven, a patient of mine who is really sick and is getting ready to go to transplant. He has been pouring his heart out to me a lot lately and we have been sharing a lot of time together, in conversation, in meal encouragements, and also in studying for him to pass his drivers license test ( A goal he has for when he goes home prior to transplant). I routinely pray at home for him, but today I felt like God was asking me to reach out to him and pray over him. I did, and Keven was so happy. He thanked me and told me that he knew God could help ease his pain better than any medication could. He was so happy to be prayed for and thanked me endlessly. I though how simple was that, and how good did it make me feel afterwards... I promised him that I would continue to pray over him when the opportunities allowed and that I would offer any support he needed in this tough time in his life.
That's when it hit, my mini epiphany, my reason for being, my purpose, my life. Tough time. That was it. I was able to love Keven and provide some of Gods strength just by praying for him. I thought about my own tough time, and thought wow Ive been able to pray for a lot of people lately. I have been used at work in a lot of rooms, with a lot of kids and families. I prayed with Keven, I prayed with a newly diagnosed family over them and their baby, I prayed with Jeremy, and I pray for so many kids routinely without even thinking much about it.
I pray for my coworker Barb who's is pregnant, I prayed with her while she was trying to conceive, then I continued to pray for her while she went to Dr appointments, while she went through personal struggles and life's unexpected happenings.
I prayed out of joy when I found out another one of my friends was pregnant. I prayed for happiness and safety for her and her baby. I prayed for her family and for our friendship. I prayed for strength in this situation because I was happy but also sad. I prayed that I could and would offer support, encouragement and happiness.
I prayed for my friend Andrew and his wife as they try having a baby. I have just been a prayer bee...
Life is weird, funny, sad, unbelievable, and crazy all at once. I guess this is how God is deciding to use me. He gave me a past with opportunities to help better someone else in their future or help them maybe through a tough time, or an exciting time. I pray that God will help me have an amazing time, I pray that he will reward me and help me in my own life, in my journey with him, in being a better nurse, and person, and also in the dreams I have of one day being a parent.
It's hard to believe in a higher power when so much is by luck or bad luck rather. It's hard to believe that cancer, murders and miscarriages are fate. Fate feels like it should be good, just and filled with the lords goodness. As I help others in their lives and in their faith I pray that God uses himself speaking through me to strengthen my own faith in him.
I feel lost and need him to shine his light on the path home. I want to hear his voice telling me where to go and what to do. I don't want to make decisions or not know, but I suppose thats just a part of life.
So hard. Still praying for that miracle. You never know, God did some pretty amazing things back in the day, I know he still has it in him.
We shall see.
Praying for faith.
This picture is my daily reality, Through this I strive to see the goodness in this life, It has been hard these last few weeks but today it was very apparent to me. I was driving to dog park with Harvey beside me when I was praying for Keven, a patient of mine who is really sick and is getting ready to go to transplant. He has been pouring his heart out to me a lot lately and we have been sharing a lot of time together, in conversation, in meal encouragements, and also in studying for him to pass his drivers license test ( A goal he has for when he goes home prior to transplant). I routinely pray at home for him, but today I felt like God was asking me to reach out to him and pray over him. I did, and Keven was so happy. He thanked me and told me that he knew God could help ease his pain better than any medication could. He was so happy to be prayed for and thanked me endlessly. I though how simple was that, and how good did it make me feel afterwards... I promised him that I would continue to pray over him when the opportunities allowed and that I would offer any support he needed in this tough time in his life.
That's when it hit, my mini epiphany, my reason for being, my purpose, my life. Tough time. That was it. I was able to love Keven and provide some of Gods strength just by praying for him. I thought about my own tough time, and thought wow Ive been able to pray for a lot of people lately. I have been used at work in a lot of rooms, with a lot of kids and families. I prayed with Keven, I prayed with a newly diagnosed family over them and their baby, I prayed with Jeremy, and I pray for so many kids routinely without even thinking much about it.
I pray for my coworker Barb who's is pregnant, I prayed with her while she was trying to conceive, then I continued to pray for her while she went to Dr appointments, while she went through personal struggles and life's unexpected happenings.
I prayed out of joy when I found out another one of my friends was pregnant. I prayed for happiness and safety for her and her baby. I prayed for her family and for our friendship. I prayed for strength in this situation because I was happy but also sad. I prayed that I could and would offer support, encouragement and happiness.
I prayed for my friend Andrew and his wife as they try having a baby. I have just been a prayer bee...
Life is weird, funny, sad, unbelievable, and crazy all at once. I guess this is how God is deciding to use me. He gave me a past with opportunities to help better someone else in their future or help them maybe through a tough time, or an exciting time. I pray that God will help me have an amazing time, I pray that he will reward me and help me in my own life, in my journey with him, in being a better nurse, and person, and also in the dreams I have of one day being a parent.
It's hard to believe in a higher power when so much is by luck or bad luck rather. It's hard to believe that cancer, murders and miscarriages are fate. Fate feels like it should be good, just and filled with the lords goodness. As I help others in their lives and in their faith I pray that God uses himself speaking through me to strengthen my own faith in him.
I feel lost and need him to shine his light on the path home. I want to hear his voice telling me where to go and what to do. I don't want to make decisions or not know, but I suppose thats just a part of life.
So hard. Still praying for that miracle. You never know, God did some pretty amazing things back in the day, I know he still has it in him.
We shall see.
Praying for faith.
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