Falling

Darlin don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years...Ill love you for a thousand more...

I miss you so much! I hate this! Life is so hard without you in it. I've been trying so hard to be more positive, to be happy, to be productive, to live with my sadness not be debilitated by it. My heart aches so badly. My chest rumbles and shakes. I sob and sob, I howl, I yell, I cry. Tears pool under my neck, my eyes are shut so tight yet tears still manage to escape and make their way down my face, over my neck and over my body. My nose tingles and stings, then feels stuffy and clogged. I want you back! I need you here. Why wasn't I good enough to be your mom? Why wasn't I good enough to get to keep my babies?! Why? I hate feeling sad, hurt, angry and crises when I see a pregnant person, when I see someone get to bring their baby home from the hospital, when I hear people not wanting to be pregnant. It is like salt being rubbed into my raw heart. 

So many questions storm my mind. If I allow myself to view god then I am filled with anger. If I choose to believe in this higher power than I am disgusted and ashamed of this thing. He is an accomplice to all evil, all bad things that happen here he sits and watches. I can't believe in that type of thing. I believe in hope and having faith in hope and in myself as well as others. 

I am so annoyed with people who sit back and judge me for grieving my babes while they go home to live with theirs. I'm sick of people thinking we should move on or be over our loss already. I'm tired of people placing themselves before me and my feelings always. I'm sick of people judging me and my actions, my sins are no worse than yours. It annoys me that so many can tell me how to grieve, to live, to function or act yet they won't bother to look within. Ugh so grumpy!! Agh hopefully I'll wake up better. In therapy and in our support group we learn that grief is a roller coaster and they were right. Much like the NICU it's two steps forward five steps back. I was feeling so steady that this drop came out of nowhere and really took me by surprise. I hope for tomorrow. I hope for the strength to live one more day through my pain...