Thinking of you: Hold tight

Hold tight to what you have because tomorrow it might be gone.

It's funny as I sit in bed holding my scent dolls, your dolls. I clutch them tightly and smell them. I kiss their soft heads and curl them under me tightly. They are all I have left of you. My memory of your existence, something tangible that we both shared even if only for a few days. I love smelling them, touching them and sleeping with them.

Until a few weeks ago I would panic if I couldn't find one of them at night. Sometimes it would get tucked under a pillow, or twisted into a blanket and I would freak! My heart would immediately start pounding, my ears would get foggy and my nose would tingle as though I'd just inhaled fresh wasabi. The lights in the room would flip on and I would rip at the sheets, throwing blankets and pillows onto the floor in a desperate search for you, for the dolls. This was becoming very stressful for me, and daddy as he tried to sleep. It's something I have been working on in therapy. I visualize myself losing you, misplacing a doll and my heart thumps viciously against my chest. I then look for you in my mind and bring myself to a calm and safe place mentally. This has helped prepare me not to melt down when I can't immediately find you, I am able to calmly, yet swiftly move my hands through the sheets until I find your cotton fluff. I hug you and clutch you tightly. It brings me peace and I feel closer to you.

Tonight I clutch you tighter, closer and stronger. I smell your scent with my eyes shut. My eyes burn from the hot tears that spilled from them all day long. They sting with each blink. Today I miss you so much and I feel terrified.

Last night I had a terrible nightmare. It was my reality. In my dream I was on bed rest and went into labor. I knew you would die and I sobbed. I threw everything in my hospital room, I broke windows, the tv, the computer, everything. I yelled, I cursed and I tried to hurt myself to escape the pain from within. The dream was all too real and so painful. After I emerged from bed with a heavy heart Harvey and I were filled with more heartache when we turned the news on only to discover that 20 innocent children had been murdered. My heart broke, tears streamed down my face. I know the pain their parents will feel. The pain in their hearts, the dreams ripped away, the sadness that will fill their lives. I picture their homes filled with warmth this holiday season, their trees lit and decorated, presents under the tree that will never be opened. My body aches for them. I want to protect them, to save those innocent children. They are gone, they will never be at the dinner table again. Never in bed, they won't wake you in the middle of the night from a bad dream or for a cup of water. All too often we take what or who we have for granted. We are annoyed by small irritations or messes, but those messes are a reminder that there is life and that although that life may not be perfect it's there and it's good.

Today I am heartbroken that I am alone instead of with you. My biggest worries should be of family and friends getting mad at me because I won't let people visit you in the winter! I should be worried about you getting sick, not about losing your dolls. I should be delirious and exhausted from you keeping me awake not from my nightmares. Life isn't as it should be.

Tonight as I urge you to hug your loved ones and hold them closer I find myself in bed with Matt and Harvey sleeping. In my arms I have mr bear and your dolls. I need them, I need you. I am having a hard day coping. It has been very hard. I'm afraid of today. I haven't felt this low and helpless in the last two weeks. I feel desperate to clutch onto something, but around me the ground is shifting and breaking away. My hope tonight is that each day will be brighter even if my nights are darker first. I must endure the dark to reach the light. I just need to hope for the light, for a new tomorrow, for a stronger day ahead. If it doesn't happen I hope I can allow myself to embrace my pain and allow it in rather than cover it up. I need to learn to accept it rather than be owned by it.

Today I hold you tighter and miss you harder. Tonight I hope you are offering those sweet children love and peace in your sweet presence. Tonight I love you, I will love you always.