Day 6

We have almost made it a complete week!!! I'm excited that we will be 19 beautiful weeks tomorrow;) our entire pregnancy up until 17 weeks was wonderful, granted I spent the first 12 worrying about miscarrying. I was so blessed that I didn't have any morning sickness at all. Some mommies get really sick and it's hard for them to work or function in daily life. The only little blips we had were a uti, and some icky back pain. I welcomed every symptom that came with you two though. I was so grateful for the gift of getting to be your mommy that I told God that I would thank him through it all, and we have. Once we hit 17 weeks we were so excited, we went to our growth scan and that's when we got the devistating news about our cervix. I was distraught of course but thought of how blessed we have been this entire pregnancy. How could I allow myself to fret about a bump now, especially when you were both healthy. I held onto hope and really prayed that my cervix would grow and be strong enough to carry you two to a healthy age. This past Monday I became discouraged and distraught when the three drs in the room told us basically there was nothing they could do, to just go home and hope to make it to 24 weeks. I cried and was in a complete funk. I remember working with kids we knew had a low chance of survival, but I gave them hope all the way up until the end, and you know what? I think those kids had more peace at the end, they had hope, appreciation, and time to be thankful for everything they had rather than sulking in the pity of sadness. I totally sulked for two whole days, I beat myself up about a body that in my mind always failed me somehow, from the endometriosis I was born with, to the endless surgical operations to remove ovarian cysts, to the frequent voiding caused by the implantation of endometriosis into my bladder, to our two miscarriages and now to the shortening of my cervix. I wanted for my body to be polite and do what it was designed to do. In my self pity party that I was throwing I thought of the many people who have it much worse than I do, people who are diagnosed with cancer, or any other incurable illness, people who are too naive to see the beauty in life that surrounds them so they squander it away, people who are hungry and continue to live without adequate water and food, women who are battered, so many victims in this life. Everyone's problem seems big to them, and they are not comparable to each other, each sadness is different and perceived differently. I needed to wake up and view things through different eyes. Being your mommy is a gift, and it always will be. Im going to love you forever, I pray I get to meet you both and watch you grow. I pray daily that you will be raised with manners, respect and love. I pray that you are generous, humble and passionate at what you do. I pray that you will be proud of yourselves, that you will be like your daddy and be slow to anger and quick to give, that you will open your eyes and hearts to the world and be proud of the people you will become. I love to imagine what you will look like, smell like, sound like, what sports or hobbies you will have, what type of personality you will exhibit, how you will live your lives. I love to dream and hope for you. I am so thankful that I have been given this gift, you are both such wonderful gifts and I love you for that. I love daddy for helping me become your mommy. I am so very blessed. I see it daily, with the amount of love and support we have been offered just this week on bed rest. Phone calls, emails, mail, lunch, dinner, just stopping by to say hi.... The prayers, the hope, the faith that everything will be ok, that I need to be positive and do my best to keep a welcome environment for you both. We are all so blessed!! Today was a nice day. Daddy got off of his 24 hour shift and napped with Harvey and me. Then he studied while I watched a girlie movie!! I watched twilight for like the 800th time. Daddy always teases me, but I love it;) I also read more, we are almost 200 pages into our book where we belong by Emily Giffin. I enjoy her books, they are an easy fun read, like listening to my friends tell me stories about life. Haha I'm almost done with it. My friend in Indiana is reading it also, we will talk about it once we are done, kinda like a bed rest book club. My mom, your grandma marisa is coming over tonight. She lives in Arizona. She is coming to help us for a few days which is really nice. Daddy has been so busy and needs to devote time to his studies, so it will be nice when she can get my water or lunch. Daddy always scolds me the second I stand up, usually it's to pee and then he laughs and tells me I go pee too much. We drink a lot though and you push on my bladder! I don't mind but if he had it his way it would be sponge baths and bed pans:/ haha well my sweet angels I love you both. This was a long post and it was kinda deep but one day you will maybe understand what I was trying to convey. Stay safe and grow well. I love you both so very much!!