One Month

One month ago today was the happiest, scariest day of our lives. It was the day that our family of two turned into a happy family of four. We were the happiest parents in the world. We shared so much love for each other and for you two. I can remember that day like it was today. I remember waking up in the morning, I was having some right sided back pain and contractions. I remember feeling nauseated, which was a new feeling for me. I got up and said good morning to Megan. We shared a room that night because the labor and delivery floor was too full to hold us. Daddy slept at Grammie and pop pop's with Harvey, he was taking him to the park in the morning. I remember getting an omelet for breakfast. I was so excited about it. It was a mushroom, tomato, jalapeno omelet. I took one bite and couldn't continue. I felt too icky. I text daddy that I felt funny and to see when he would be visiting. He was on his way to the park with Harvey who was so excited. I remember wanting Daddy to be with me, but not wanting to rush his much needed time with Harvey. We knew we had an appointment with the perinatologist and assumed it would be in the afternoon as it usually was. Of course as our luck would have it they rolled in at 9:30 to take me. On my way to the wheelchair they took my weekly weight to make sure I was gaining the appropriate amount. I was! I was so excited!!! I had reached 140lbs. I cherished every single pound. I knew it would help you grow stronger and stronger. Daddy would be so proud, he was pushing protein drinks down my throat three times daily and finally it looked like it was paying off! 5lbs in one week was a great achievement considering I was losing muscle on bed rest. I got into the wheelchair and was rolled to the other side of the hospital. I went onto the exam table and learned that we were going to take measurements of you. You looked amazing. Wyatt they measured you at 1lb 10oz  and Grace they said you were 1lb 8oz.  After we were done I thanked Connie and got back in my wheelchair happy to share the great news with Megan, and Daddy. Megan was really sad when I came back. She said she was sorry we had to share a room and Daddy missed being here for the appointment. I told her it was OK, and that Daddy would be there soon. It was Wednesday so Megan's husband would visit us that day too. I got back into bed and got comfy. I kept contracting, I text Daddy and told him that I was having a lot of contractions and he laughed at me and told me jokingly to stop acting out and that he would come after the park. Since I kept contracting I called my nurse and asked for my procardia dose. I also told her I felt more contractions and asked to be monitored. When a labor nurse arrived I was having contractions every minute. I thought for sure I would go downstairs to the labor floor, possibly get put back on magnesium, maybe get another round of steroid shots. I wasn't afraid then, I just thought silly body is always being funny. Poor Daddy is going to have to pack our room up again. Then the nurse said words I wasn't expecting to hear. I need to get the doctor. She needs to see you. The doctor came in and told me she needed to check me. "Checking" me consists of her feeling my cervix to see how thin and dilated it is. She was really pushing back far, when she was done she said you are 100% effaced and 4-5cm dilated. My ears went foggy. My pants were still pulled down around my feet, all four side rails on my bed were being pulled up, nurses surrounded my bed, "call your husband and tell him to get here now" filled my ears. Hot fire tears shot from my eyes and made rivers on my cheeks. This cant be happening. I called Daddy who was able to calm me down. His faith and strength was much greater than mine at this time. He told me that God was with us and would keep us all safe. He told me that we were strong and would be OK. He said our babies were fighters like me and they too would be OK. They were almost 26 weeks, and the survivability increases to 70-90% at 26 weeks. We knew our goal was to make it to 24 weeks, that was viability, once we got there we were out of the scariest woods, we would all be OK. Yes we would have an incredibly hard and long NICU journey, but we were willing and ready to go on that journey. I was rolled downstairs and was put back in labor room 9. That was the room I spent a week in from 23.5 to 24.5 on magnesium and then with pneumonia. Daddy liked this room a lot, it was big and had a nice shower for me to sit in. Three nurses were around my bed. I asked to have the Chaplin come pray over me, I also asked my nurses to pray for me. My body shook so hard, every part of me was trembling. I sobbed and was so afraid. I knew in my heart it was not going to be good. I was so hopeful, but knew something terrible would happen. I thought perhaps Daddy wouldn't make it in time, or that I would bleed to death on the table, anything but losing you both. I had one nurse starting my IV, another placed my catheter, and a third was getting the room ready. "how far is your husband? we need to go", "c-section", "call the team in". I was so freaked out. I asked Kelly and Erika to pray for us. I text Daddy to see where he was, he said close, I was wheeled into the OR. I was so scared. The nurse hugged me and helped hold me still while the anesthesiologist inserted a needle in my spine to numb my lower body. I thought I would be afraid, that it would hurt, but nothing cut through me besides the fear of losing you. Daddy rushed in just as we were about to start. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said sorry. He kissed my head and held my hand tightly. He too had tears in his eyes. He prayed with me and told me that we would get to meet our babies today. I shook and shook, Daddy looked at me with the sweetest face, one of adoration and love. I remember smelling my flesh burn, I felt my muscles stretch, it didn't hurt, but I could feel the pressure, the fingers separating my muscle layers, pushing, poking. I remember telling Daddy that this was weird and that I didn't like it. The anesthesiologist asked if I was OK, then a relief of pressure and a small squeek. Wyatt was born. Wyatt you were 33cm long, 1lb 12oz. Then Grace you came next at 31cm long, 1lb 4oz. You cried a small amount also. Our team of neonatologists, nurses and respiratory therapists intubated you both. It was to help you breathe. They allowed Daddy to see you and then they took you straight to the NICU. It was so surreal. I could feel the doctors stitching me up. I wanted to jump off the table and run to the NICU to see you. We were transferred to a recovery room where we would stay the next two hours. Daddy got to go to the NICU to see you. He brought back picture and a video of you. We were so excited. He said you were really small, but nothing prepared me for just how small you really were. Daddy called and sent texts to family while I recovered. After two hours we were transferred back up to the mother baby floor. I asked to see you, but they told me that I needed to wait 12 hours. There was no way I was going to wait that long. I asked to be wheeled down at 8, after change of shift if I was feeling ok. My night nurse agreed and rolled me down. I threw up right when we got there:( I washed my hands for three minutes, protocol for the NICU, I also gowned up in the protective gown all visitors must wear. I was so eager to see you, to touch you, to tell you I loved you. I saw Grace first because Wyatt was being cared for. You were so small. I was shocked. You had my nose and my hair color. It was dark, and you had a lot of hair! I fell in love with you instantly. I wanted to touch you, to hold you, to kiss you. I talked to you, and gave you a doll. Your scent doll. You had one and I had one at all times. I alternated the doll every three hours or so to give you a fresh scent of me. Next I met you Wyatt. You looked much bigger than Gracie. Its amazing what those few extra ounces did. You were so stinking cute. You had Daddy's nose and his light hair. Well Daddy doesn't have light hair now, but when he was little he was a toe head. We were so proud of you both and so happy. We stayed with you both as long as possible. From 6:30-8 they did rounds so they asked parents to leave, so we went to our room to nap, shower, eat then. The nurses, respiratory therapists and doctors were so good with you. We felt comfortable leaving you with them. Another wonderful thing they had was video viewing of you. So when we were in our room we could look in on you. What a long and eventful day we had. I was over the moon. Of course we were nervous, but we were so hopeful. We anticipated staying in the hospital for a long time. Daddy planned on returning back to his clinical rotation in two weeks. He would stay with us until I could drive myself to the hospital to see you. I planned on being with you daily and at night too. I knew Harvey would be taken care of at Grammie and Pop pop's. I thought I would watch you on the camera when I came home to eat or shower. Daddy bought a month parking permit, we got information for insurance and also for my disability. We were so ready and organized. On Thursday, the day after you arrived Daddy got a call from a fire department he interviewed with. They told him he passed the interviews and was being put through background investigations. We were so happy. Daddy was so proud, a papa and now a fire job! Life was finally falling into place. We had two good days with you and then before we knew it our world came crashing down. I remember being woken up at 3am with the news that Wyatt had a major bleed. You needed a blood transfusion. We ran down to see you both. We stayed with you until 6 when rounds happened. At 7:55 Dr. Patel arrived in our room. We started to learn that when the doctors came to us personally it was never good news. He sat on our bed and told us that he hated bringing bad news. He told us about your brain bleeds. Both of you had grade 4 brain bleeds, you both were suffering from respiratory failure and were on oscillators. He reviewed options with us and told us he would give us time to think and then meet us downstairs. Daddy hit the floor and howled like I had never seen or heard before. He was begging, slamming his fists into the floor, yelling. I went to hold him and he pulled on my body. He pulled to bring me down onto the floor with him, and then subconsciously put me on the bed and held me. We gathered ourselves and decided to go see you. Daddy didn't want to go down in a mess so we took a few minutes to dress, brush teeth and gain composure. When we arrived you were both struggling. Wyatt we could see your brain bleed. Your head and eye were red with blood. Your lungs shook, they no longer rose and fell, they just vibrated. You were having seizures and were posturing. Daddy and I took one look at you and asked for you to be medicated. We didn't want you to suffer. Grace, you looked great compared. You too had a vibrating chest, but thanks to all that hair you had we couldn't see the extent of your bleeds. Daddy and I sobbed, we called family and arranged for them to meet you. We called Deacon Bill and had you both baptised. We didn't know how long we had with you. We had another doctor come on Saturday to give a second opinion. He sat with Daddy and I and answered all of our questions. The prognosis was horrible. We melted onto the floor again. Our lives felt over, we had no reason to go on, besides being there for each other. Everything we had ever wanted or dreamed of turned to dust and blew away. How could we be in this situation? How are we being asked to play the role of God? How dare God take our babies and make us decide to remove support. I was angry, but I wasn't going to let my anger take away from the seconds, minutes, hours I had with my babies. I was mad at God for not only taking two of our babies last year, but for now taking our twins. What a bully I thought. I needed to pull myself together, to gain composure, to be loving, grateful and supportive. To be too thankful, and to see the beauty in this ugly situation. I am in awe daily at the love, compassion and support of everyone involved in our lives. Strangers, friends, family members who hadn't played major roles in our pregnancy were now here and wanted to be with us, with you. People brought food, sent cards, flowers, money. Nothing could bring you back. We would give everything we have and ever will have to have you back. Its amazing that no matter how hard you try or how much you want something you have no control of getting it. I'm not sure if its up to pure luck, or if you earn it. I've never worked so hard, or wanted something so badly. I just feel angry, grumpy that I lost you both. It has been very hard for me to accept. I'm not ready. It is so weird watching people live around me when all I want to do is freeze time and be with you. It hurts that people expect us to go back to normal, to return to work, to return to routine activities, to celebrate, to go out. We need time, we don't know how much time. I have never dealt with anything like this. I don't know many people who have. Its the worst feeling in the world. Four weeks ago today was one of the happiest days of my life. Today it is a memory. I pray I will always have the happy memory of you. Your deaths have been a tight wire wrapped around my chest. It hurts all the time.

I miss you more than you will ever know.

Daddy took this picture of you Grace

Daddy took this of you Wyatt

I couldn't believe how tiny you were

look at that sweet foot

I loved touching you