Spreading ashes

Hello my angels,
I miss you so much. People say things get easier over time, but I'm not sure if losing your babies applies to that. I wish we had lost everything else. If we had gone bankrupt, had our cars taken away, been robbed we would be able to pick up the mess and carry on. If we lost everything we could work to get the important stuff back. So many people live with unnecessary clutter because it makes them feel more secure or happier, but really what does a bunch of crap do for anyone? I would take you over anything in the world anytime. 

I can't keep my eyes off of you, I look at your pictures constantly and think about you, think about the people you would have become had you lived. I think of all the love your family, daddy and I would have given you. I try not to be jealous of other people. I try to hope and believe in a plan, in a higher power, but sometimes its so hard. I see people who don't want their babies, people who are drug addicts, molesters and abusive parents having beautiful babies. We are waiting for our first serving while other people are being served with seconds, thirds, fourths. How is it fair? Sometimes it feels like everyone else has the luck and we are stuck watching other people enjoy their babies, lives, families and we are here bleeding longing for that very thing. How is it possible that we lost you both? I see so many babies born younger than you and they are thriving. Why couldn't you two thrive here? Why are we sitting here with the worlds largest holes in our hearts. Its so weird talking to people, its awkward 99% of the time. People have little experience with losing babies and therefore don't know what to say, or say very inappropriate things. We know they are trying to be polite, but its so hard. I had a good friend ask me tonight what words helped me the most. I told her no words help, there really isn't any comfort that comes from other people talking. Its nice and I know people have the best intentions, but my ears tend to go foggy and I stop listening. The things that have helped most is when a friend allows me to talk about you, when they listen to my horror of a birth experience, when they let me relive what I wish had happened, when they acknowledge you and your birth, thats what has helped the most. Not words, but the company, the love, the silent support. The I don't know what you are going through, but I will stand beside you every step of the way. That gives me hope, that is what keeps me standing day after day. 

What doesn't help is when people avoid me. Some of my friends who are or were pregnant feel weird talking to me. This breaks my heart even more. I am so excited for each and everyone of them. I love them and am so happy for them. Of course seeing their pregnant bellies or beautiful babies makes me sad, but I'm not sad that they are happy, or pregnant, I'm sad that I am not anymore. Losing friends makes me feel even more isolated in an already abandoned atmosphere. I need those positive stories, I love to hear how you are doing, I want to hear about your babies. Thats what gives me hope. Thats what reminds me that good things do happen to good people.

Its amazing what you two have done here in our lives and in the lives of so many others. Daddy and I are in complete awe at the generosity and kindness of others. It is inspiring to see so many people pull together to lift us up. People we know, many we don't are here to offer words of admiration, love, prayers, hope. People send us money, others send cards that are so heartfelt and genuine. Each day we open a card and are just amazed at the words, the encouragement, the love. We have always felt very blessed and have always been very thankful for all we have. Even in this great sadness we have found things to be thankful for. We are so thankful for all of our supporters, for our families, for our nurses and doctors, for insurance, for each other. Daddy and I have been able to lift each other up when no one else could. We know exactly what the other person is going through. We personally feel the pain that rips through our bodies, that runs in our blood. We know how to love, comfort and ease some of that pain. Its amazing how we have been able to pull together instead of ripping each other down. We are so supportive and loving towards one another. We are blessed to have that. 

In Yosemite we hiked to a beautiful lake. It's called May lake. It was uphill about 2.5miles. When we arrived a beautiful lake was nestled in-between trees. It was the perfect place to spread some of your ashes. Daddy and I spent days looking for the perfect spot. Daddy had a hard time with the whole process, looking at your boxes, opening your ashes, looking at them, thinking about you. It made me cry. I wanted you back not a box filled with ash. I want my babies to hold and kiss, to make me laugh. We mixed some ashes from each of your boxes and carried them with us. Once we found the lake we knew thats where we wanted them to be. Daddy swam to the middle of the lake. It was freezing so I only dipped my toes. Harvey was swimming and trying to pull logs out of the water, some much bigger than he was. It was really funny to watch. After daddy dried off we said goodbye to the ashes. We talked, laughed and took turns sprinkling them into the lake. When they started to drift away they made beautiful shapes. It was very peaceful and so perfect! Afterwards we felt ready to head home. We originally planned on staying another day, but it was such a peaceful ending we wanted to go home. We hurried back to camp and daddy broke everything down while I cooked dinner. Then we headed home on the long 7 hour drive. I got pretty sick on the way down. Those windy roads have a way of getting to me always. I was able to stay awake with Daddy the whole way home. 

We are so excited to celebrate and remember you this weekend. You were both so loved my sweet angels. We are doing a walk to remember you tomorrow and so many friends and family members are walking with us. Its so awesome to see. I love it and feel so very loved myself. Amazing things are happening in this world because of you. That doesn't make me miss you any less, but it makes the pain of losing you ever so slightly less to see all of the good you have inspired. 

I love you always 

 May lake