Hard Day

Ugh today was the pits and its not even over yet:( I wanted to stay in bed all day long, and I would have but Daddy forced me out of bed. Grumpiness took over and I moped around with no direction at all. I made myself a bowl of cereal with banana and a small cup of coffee. I kissed Harvey's head about a million times, sat with him, talked to him, and pet his sweet face and ears. They are so soft. He looks at me with the sweetest eyes that tell me he knows I'm sad and he is there for me to love on. I tried to be productive around the house, I made copies for our doctors appointment next week. We need all of our health history, surgery notes, labs etc. It saves us time and money in the long run not needing to track things down from different doctors and also not having to repeat the same tests over and over again. After doing all that I filled out the paperwork the state requires regarding our delivery. Then of course blue shield calls to talk to me about my "expectant babies". I told her we had the babies. Then she continued to tell me that I can disregard her letter she sent regarding care and "congratulations on your delivery" gee thanks! Don't people get updated? I can't tell you how many times I've answered the phone and gotten stuck in an awkward conversation where someone asks me about our babies, boy or girl, how am I feeling, etc...then the awkward silence when I tell them that you passed away. AWKWARD!!! It makes me feel so so sad. Daddy gets mad, he is handling your loss differently than I am. Daddy has lived a life full of love, hope and dreams coming true. I on the other hand am experienced in losing people, watching hopes and dreams vanish quicker than the time I had dreaming of them. I am used to bad outcomes, I'm used to the thought that GOD will take away whatever makes me happy. I have no reason to believe anything different. He has taken almost everything from me, why? perhaps to humble me, possibly to make me hate him completely and become a non believer? I have no idea what his intentions are, and honestly at this point I could care less what he thinks or wants.  I have learned through life and thorough this awful experience that no matter how hard you try in life, how good of a person you are,  how much love you have for others, or how hard you work for something, you have no control over it. You are absolutely powerless. You cannot change the outcome, you can influence a situation, but ultimately you are helpless. A squirming mouse in a giants hand. Pawns on a board being played however he sees fit. What an absolute crap shoot that is. Matt and I cannot comprehend our loss. We did everything in our power to keep you both safe. We were on bed rest, I was in the hospital for weeks and weeks. I ate hospital food, I was on antibiotics and medication around the clock. I had pneumonia. I used a bedpan, I vomited more times than I can count. I trusted, I prayed, I believed, I hoped. And for what? For God to have the last say. For him to selfishly take my babies away. To tease and torment me with five days with them. To burn images in my mind of them in pain and suffering. To show me that he is in control and I am nothing. I hate that God. I don't respect him, I cannot follow him. What reason do we have to live in a world so shitty. One where life sucks and is so unfair. One where no matter what you do, you lose. I am learning to cope. I am slowly learning to depend on myself. If I eliminate everyone and everything nothing can hurt me. He can't take anything away from me that way. What then is the purpose of me living here on earth if I dissolve all of my relationships. How can I get away with pushing all of my family, friends, and Daddy away. Daddy won't let me, he holds onto me tight and fights strongly for me. I told him today that I feel like I brought so much pain and suffering into his life. I am used to pain and suffering. I know shitty endings, I know unhappiness, I know emptiness. Before me he knew happiness, joy, and hope. I have a body rotten with stupid endometriosis implants. I have so many scars on my lower abdomen you can connect them and I'd have built in undies like barbie. Today reality sunk in. You are both gone. No matter what we do, what we give, what we believe we will never ever get you back. We can't bargain or pay our way out of this. We must live with our reality. I hate our reality. We will never be the same, we lost you, we lost a lot of ourselves with you. I have no hopes, no current dreams, nothing to work towards. Why would or should I? Even the hopes of having a baby one day are gone. There is no guarantee it will ever work. How many times should we subject ourselves to the abuse, the pain, the devastation. How much of ourselves must we give. We refuse to give up, but are completely powerless. Today I hate everything. I am having a hard time being thankful today. I watched our video today with Daddy and we sobbed. We sobbed much of the day, in utter disbelief. In despair, in sorrow and sympathy for each other. I am unable to comprehend how strong we were with you. In our final days with you, we were able to stand and smile at your bedsides. We welcomed family to meet you, we prayed and dreamt of miracles. Today we are weak, cracked beyond repair. Today we are broken. Today we don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Today we are not looking for anything but you.