How

Written 9/30/12 in Yosemite

How is it possible that just two weeks ago I was pregnant? How is it possible that I was in the hospital indefinitely so hopeful? How was I able to stay strong and never lose hope? How was I able to keep my sanity, how did I manage to be polite and respectful day in and day out to all the staff? How did I manage to blog to you daily. The weight of your loss is so heavy on my heart. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest, unwilling to move. I'm in the begging stage now, although my grief is like a roller coaster sometimes I'm in shock others denial but right now as I sit beside daddy watching his fire burn I'm begging and bargaining. I'm thinking of everything, anything that I can give to get you back. I'm not sure how it is even possible that daddy and I miscarried twice before we got blessed with a successful ivf cycle. How we had suffered so much with those two losses, how we spent so much time, energy and money working at building our family. How my daily regimen consisted of numerous shots, ultrasounds blood work, and prayers. When we found out we were pregnant we were over the moon. We kept our pregnancy a secret because we were very nervous of losing you two. When we eventually shared the great news we were even more nervous. At 17 weeks I was placed on bed rest. 17 weeks!! That's so early! Some people carry their entire pregnancy and don't know they are pregnant. It amazes me that we did everything in our power to keep you safe and bring you into this world. I limited my stress. I rested as much as possible, I hoped, I prayed, I dreamed. We dreamed so big. We had so many hopes for you. We couldn't wait to meet you and have you join our family. I always sang to you, told you we loved you and tried to eat the best food possible for you to grow. We would give anything in this world to have you back. I'm not sure how unlucky we were to have delivered you so early, to have you both suffer grade 4 brain hemorrhages, to have you both suffer from respiratory failure. How unlucky is that, that we lost you both five short days after becoming a family of four. An excited family, so eager and excited to bring you home. So willing to walk the long road of being in the nicu. Willing to be beside you day and night. To be the best parents ever and to bring you home with us. It seems so unreal that all of our dreams evaporated when we lost you. All the plans we had of trips, fun, growing gone in a blink of an eye. Two proud parents still proud but with broken hearts and dampened spirits. People say we are so strong, and in the public eye we are. Daddy and I are very strong, until we are alone, then the darkness sets in, our minds run wild and thoughts of what we lost creep into our broken minds and hearts. The pain is so real, so raw, so unimaginable. We are strong in front of others because we can't just crumble to the ground and sob, we can't yell out or plea with people watching, we do it alone together. We know the others pain and we know how to bring some comfort, if even a little. We know the magnitude of the loss, we shared the same hopes and dreams that we're lost, we know the pain inside our hearts. We are very blessed to have each other, to love one another so much that we can comfort each other in our darkest moments. You can tell we are missing a lot. Our excitement for life is much less than it was before we lost you. It's so hard to be excited about anything when you just lost a huge part of yourself. Perhaps we will be like the liver and regenerate ourselves someday with nurturing and time, but we will never be the same ever again. It's just not possible. I don't know how. 

Tonight my band came off. Grace yours fell off two weeks ago when I got home, wyatt your stayed on me until now. It's funny because Wyatt yours fell off daddy last week. Grace yours is still on daddy. On Thursday we noticed that we each had one of you, so together we were the 4 of us again. We miss you so much. It's funny how a plastic band can bring a grown girl to tears but it did. Life is funny and awfully hard.