Frozen

I feel frozen, locked in place, unable to move, to yell, to breathe. I want to scream, to kick to punch. I want to pull my hair until I am unable to pull any longer. I want to cry until my eyes dry up and tears are no longer formable. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. Getting out of bed is the biggest task of the day. I could live in bed. I have no appetite at all so I don’t need to emerge for food, I guess the only thing I need is water. I even think I could live with pee in my bed and wouldn’t mind. On the days Daddy is home he forces me out of bed and I grumpily get up. He makes me try to eat so I usually stare at yogurt and a banana for an hour before forcing it down. He likes me to sit with him, which his fine I guess. There isn’t anything else for me to do so I sit with him in the office while he studies. I look online, read and think. I try not to bother him because I know he has a million things running through his head. Yesterday we talked some. We talked about him working and about him being worried about me. You see I must be in the anger stage of my grieving. I am angry, very mad at God or the belief in “god” that I had. I say had because currently I do not believe in a god. I feel foolish to have even wasted so much time praying, hoping and talking to this person. I do believe in being a good person, but I don’t believe you need to go to church or have a god to be a good person, you are good simply because it’s the right thing to be. I feel like god was a means of comfort for me. Something that allowed me to hope and dream, something that took the pressure off of me being in control and allowing a higher power to guide and steer my life. Daddy is taking this idea of mine rather hard. He said I was the most spiritual person he knew. I always talked and prayed for us and for others. Patient’s friends and family. After seeing all that my eyes have seen in my short 27 years I find it nearly impossible to trust or believe in a god. How can this world be consumed by so much heartache and evil? Obviously people are not rewarded for their goodness, we have no control over anything and neither does this “god”. People believe in miracles, and I’m sure there are miracles, but do we invent them so that people believe in something?

On Saturday Daddy and I went to a friends wedding in San Diego. It was a beautiful ceremony and party to celebrate the love and commitment of two beautiful people. The ceremony was held at USD that’s where Daddy went to college. The church was a bit lavish with stained glass windows portraying “jesus” on a cross, with friends etc. The church had marbled floors that caused a loud clattering noise when anyone shifted their feet or walked in. I was angry I didn’t want to be there. Sure I was there to support Daddy and the couple getting married, but I was angry and didn’t want to sit in a building made to worship a person I hated so much. Tears filled my eyes on multiple occasions when the father made statements. That this so called “god” will bless their lives, their marriage, bless them with children one day. That this god would give them their hearts desires. I wanted to shout yeah my hearts desires were for my babies to die? F you “god”! The church joined hands and recited the our father, I didn’t. The statement “..and lead us not into temptation, and deliver us from evil” made me even more mad. Deliver us from evil? Well if we believe that then deliver us away from this evil god that shits on the world. That beats good people down into the floor. That shatters hope and dreams. That allows children to be abused, women to be raped, babies to be born to mother who don’t want them or could care less about them. Sounds like a great guy! I felt like I was a stupid naive sheep, and he was the big bad wolf. He was tempting me, luring me, fooling me into trusting in him, into hoping. To trusting my heart; hopes and dreams with him. In him protecting my family, my growing womb my faith. Then he ripped me into shreds. I managed to escape him, but am wounded and crushed. I won’t go back. Deliver us from evil? Really does he believe in that BS? He is the evil one. Maybe he did deliver me from evil when he shattered me for the last time. Maybe I am the lucky one in the end because I wont be wasting any more time or energy on this so called god that doesn’t do a darn thing. He can kiss my ass. Everything I have I have done with out him. I have done with the help and love of good, honest people. God doesn’t have a say or influence on any of them. I have been loved by many and most of those people do not worship a god. Most of them only go to this “god” when things are hard in life. Most of them are truly just good people. You don’t need a god to be good. I think I believed in god because it allowed me to dream that goodness could happen. But in reality I have prayed and prayed for sick patients to be healed and they still died in their parents arms. I have prayed numerous times for my sister and no one has changed her with their mighty power. I prayed daily for you, for you to be safe, to grow healthy and to come home with us, and you still died. Nothing I could do for you would have changed this outcome. Nothing. Months spent in a hospital in bed, eating shit, being uncomfortable, laying on my back or left side, not being able to walk or stand, showering every other day, looking out a window at the world moving around me while mine was frozen. While I sat hopeful, beyond hopeful that you would come home with us in the end, because we were doing everything right. That I would get to kiss your sweet faces, that I would get to hold your sweet hands as we went on family walks, that I would get to know you and share life with you. If god is real I hate him for taking you. I hate him for filling me with false hope, for prolonging my pain and suffering for teasing me with each day and week that I managed to stay pregnant. For getting my hopes up with each milestone we hit, with you doing well for two days and then having horrible complications. If that god is so good why didn’t he prevent me from carrying you at all, or take you in the first trimester like he did twice before, why didn’t he take you at 17 weeks or sooner. I hate his guts. I hate the thought of him the stories of him and the false dreams people share about him. I hate everything about him.

I am suffering so badly right now. I think a lot of this is from lack of control. I remember when I graduated from nursing school I was preparing for my NCLEX. I remember being absolutely paralyzed in fear of not passing. I knew I had studied my ass off in school, I had prepared myself and I had a great job lined up. All I needed to do was pass a test. I was so afraid of not passing. I couldn’t imagine after all the time and energy I put forth into being a nurse of me failing and not being able to have the career I had hoped and dreamed of. Luckily due to my studying and my brain I did pass. God didn’t help me pass he didn’t give me the right answers he didn’t force me to study. I did that all out of free will, my own decisions my own brain. I saw how my hard work paid off and in the end I was rewarded with a job that I admire and take pride in doing. How then do I live each day knowing that I studied, learned about endometriosis, medications, ivf, pregnancy, bed rest, incompetent cervix and irritable uterus’. How is it that I forced myself to be the best bed rest girl? I ate so much food to help you grow, I forced awful protein shakes down my throat to give you everything you needed. How then after everything I did, were you able to be born too early and then die? I see so many stories of babies that are born weeks before you. That have the worst prognosis but medicine is able to keep them alive and bring them home to their parents. How was I not one of those lucky parents? Life is a crap shoot. It really sucks. I really can’t say it any other way. I hate a life where bad things happen for no reason. A life where no matter what you do you ultimately have no control over anything or anyone. That is not a world I am happy living in, but unfortunately it’s the world I’m stuck in until I die. Then after death what happens? Do we return to life to live this shit cycle over again? I hope not, do we return as an animal or plant or car? Who the hell knows? Daddy believes in heaven he believes that’s where you are and he is sad that if I don’t believe in god then I wont be with you in eternity. It’s a sad thing for him to worry about and believe. I hope he finds peace in my thoughts and my feelings. He doesn’t need to believe in what I do, and I will always support him in his beliefs, but I will not waste any more time hoping for a god that doesn’t exist. I might change my mind or my thoughts one day, but today I stand firm in my thoughts and they are not those of a good loving god. They are of an evil temptress that fools innocent people into believing in him only to shit on them.

Wow that was quite the angry blog wasn’t it? It’s completely honest and realistic in my feelings, my mood and my current state of mind. I take little joy in life right now. The showers that I loved taking while on bed rest are now not even a thought in my mind. I find little joy in life. I love being with Harvey and daddy. I love looking at Harvey, walking with him, and petting him. I love to kiss him. He is wonderful. He knows I need his love and he shows it to me. Daddy has been really working hard at being mindful in the house. He has helped with laundry, trash, and picking his stuff up. He said he knows messes cause me anxiety and he is trying to help reduce my anxiety. That’s really nice of him. He has been working really hard at school and at home. He is wonderful. I hope he finds someone to talk to about what he is going through, to share his hope in a good god. To share his hope in a good world, and life. Today is Halloween. Boo! Haha our first holiday without you, and it sucks. I think of all the costumes you wont have, all the treats you wont get to eat, all the fun we are missing out on. It just crushes me.

I miss you both terribly.