At the beginning of this chapter of our lives, the one that started September 16th after you passed away daddy and I were surrounded with support. Friends, family, co-workers, doctors and nurses. People who loved daddy myself and you both. We had so much encouragement to be strong, to have hope and to live. Shortly after our celebration of life a lot of that support fell away. We didn't feel the impact initially, but it's hit us hard, really hard. We have found ourselves sobbing, begging, pleading for you. We question everything in life. It's like we grew up being told the sky was blue and then one day someone told us it was pink. We can't comprehend the change. Our world has been completely flipped upside down and shaken out. Friends who were so close to us in the past are not present in our lives now. We have changed and so have so many others. Many I must say have been changed for the better. Hearts softened, hopes brought to life, dreams contemplated. I am grateful to be a good support seeker. I have really focused on coping, on learning how to live without you. To take this nightmare and find peace and meaning in it, to learn to live. Orriginally and still sometimes I lie to myself. I believe your somewhere else, which you are. The part of me lying is me believing you will come home. It was easier for me to live believing that. When I actually sat and forced myself to see the truth I sobbed, I was so mad, angry, livid. Depressed, distraught, unable to function. I slept in bed all day, when I couldn't find sleep I still stayed in bed. My eyes glued shut my mind imagining you, what you would look like, how we would be so protective of you. How much we love you and loved you. I think of your milestones, you sitting up, smiling, eating solid foods, starting school, dating and eventually getting married and having your own children. I think of you often. You are never far from my mind or heart. I love sharing you and thinking of you. I have been able to read support books on grieving the loss of a baby, babies or children. It helps me to see that my feelings are normal and valid. I have contacted support groups, and therapists. I've met with friends, I've walked Harvey. I've found a sliver of peace with these things. A small glimmer of hope, possibilities that never before crept into my mind now cause me to get goosebumps. My heart beats faster at the thoughts and possibilities that I am currently surrounded by. I am learning to allow myself to hope again. Cautiously but optimistically.
Daddy on the other hand is not doing as well. I think for men it's a lot harder to find the support you need. Many people come to me or daddy and ask how I am. Very few ask how he is, offer to talk, pray or go somewhere with him. Come to our house and bring him lunch, call him to talk etc. daddy hasn't had any place to vent his feelings. Sure he gets to do a lot of that with me, but I think he feels bad sharing a lot with me. He knows I'm hurting and try's to protect me from more pain. He tries to be strong, loving and very supportive. He is so strong. I pray he finds peace and support in his life. Daddy starts back at his internship tomorrow. I'm excited and happy for him. I personally think it will be great. Daddy has worked so hard at this, I am eager to see him graduate and I know you are too! Daddy doesn't feel ready to go back, he thinks it's too soon. His heart is aching so badly and he longs to be with you and also with me. Secure and in a place he feels comfortable. I am praying he finds relief at work and that it turns out to bring him excitement and hope. Daddy is a great paramedic, I know you will guide him and protect him.
This weekend we have a wedding to attend. It will be a fun but also busy and emotional weeked. I've found it really hard to be in crowds. We were invited to a Halloween party and it caused me anxiety just thinking about it. Yikes!!! Also I can't imagine dressing up! Haha Harvey has two costumes though. We might do dinner with family that night., daddy has to work so we are planning on laying low. It will be our first Halloween home in our house here;) unless we decide to go out. I have my shirt I bought to wear with you. It's a skeleton shirt with twin skeletons. Grace you had a bow on your head lol it was super cute!!! Unfortunately I won't get to wear it:/ that's ok.
Well my loves we have a very busy week! Today was nice I met with Erika for lunch. We ate yummy blackened tofu burritos and shared stories. I am excited to hopefully work with her again. Fingers crossed sweet ones!! After lunch I got to hang out and play with your cousins Sydney and Logan and your Auntie Jessica. It was really fun! We played at home for a bit then walked to dinner. We ate at wahoos which I love!! It's so good. They made my fish tacos into lettuce wraps. It was very tasty. Afterwards your cousin Logan took a bubble bath and Sydney practiced scooting around. She's going to be crawling soon. You would have had a blast with them. Sydney loves to laugh at Logan and thinks he's just great. She's such a happy baby! When I got home I cut daddy's hair and then cleaned the bathroom. There was hair everywhere. Then we sat with Harvey and came up to bed. Daddy is sleeping now because he will wake up at 4 tomorrow to be at work on time. He cleaned the carpets today and walked Harvey twice!! That's two miles;) lucky boy! I'm going to read more of my book bringing in finn and then try to sleep. The band plays from 6:30-8:30 tomorrow at the school right across the street! Ugh they are sooo loud haha.
I love you both! Thank you for softening so many hearts, touching lives and loving us;) we love you
Daddy on the other hand is not doing as well. I think for men it's a lot harder to find the support you need. Many people come to me or daddy and ask how I am. Very few ask how he is, offer to talk, pray or go somewhere with him. Come to our house and bring him lunch, call him to talk etc. daddy hasn't had any place to vent his feelings. Sure he gets to do a lot of that with me, but I think he feels bad sharing a lot with me. He knows I'm hurting and try's to protect me from more pain. He tries to be strong, loving and very supportive. He is so strong. I pray he finds peace and support in his life. Daddy starts back at his internship tomorrow. I'm excited and happy for him. I personally think it will be great. Daddy has worked so hard at this, I am eager to see him graduate and I know you are too! Daddy doesn't feel ready to go back, he thinks it's too soon. His heart is aching so badly and he longs to be with you and also with me. Secure and in a place he feels comfortable. I am praying he finds relief at work and that it turns out to bring him excitement and hope. Daddy is a great paramedic, I know you will guide him and protect him.
This weekend we have a wedding to attend. It will be a fun but also busy and emotional weeked. I've found it really hard to be in crowds. We were invited to a Halloween party and it caused me anxiety just thinking about it. Yikes!!! Also I can't imagine dressing up! Haha Harvey has two costumes though. We might do dinner with family that night., daddy has to work so we are planning on laying low. It will be our first Halloween home in our house here;) unless we decide to go out. I have my shirt I bought to wear with you. It's a skeleton shirt with twin skeletons. Grace you had a bow on your head lol it was super cute!!! Unfortunately I won't get to wear it:/ that's ok.
Well my loves we have a very busy week! Today was nice I met with Erika for lunch. We ate yummy blackened tofu burritos and shared stories. I am excited to hopefully work with her again. Fingers crossed sweet ones!! After lunch I got to hang out and play with your cousins Sydney and Logan and your Auntie Jessica. It was really fun! We played at home for a bit then walked to dinner. We ate at wahoos which I love!! It's so good. They made my fish tacos into lettuce wraps. It was very tasty. Afterwards your cousin Logan took a bubble bath and Sydney practiced scooting around. She's going to be crawling soon. You would have had a blast with them. Sydney loves to laugh at Logan and thinks he's just great. She's such a happy baby! When I got home I cut daddy's hair and then cleaned the bathroom. There was hair everywhere. Then we sat with Harvey and came up to bed. Daddy is sleeping now because he will wake up at 4 tomorrow to be at work on time. He cleaned the carpets today and walked Harvey twice!! That's two miles;) lucky boy! I'm going to read more of my book bringing in finn and then try to sleep. The band plays from 6:30-8:30 tomorrow at the school right across the street! Ugh they are sooo loud haha.
I love you both! Thank you for softening so many hearts, touching lives and loving us;) we love you
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