Remembering you

Hi my sweet angels,

Today was such a long and lovely day! So many people love you, mommy and daddy. It's truly amazing beyond words. Daddy and I are amazed daily at the generosity of family, friends, and complete strangers. We are so blessed to have such a strong support group. We have people who are willing to hold us and lift us up when we are not able to do it on our own. Today my heart has been so heavy with sadness and grief. I really feel sad. We did the oc walk to remember today. It was so beautiful. There were balloons, roses, and people everywhere. You could feel the love all around. Families and friends there to support one another through one of the most challenging times in life. It was truly beautiful to see. We had such a large group of supporters. We all walked together in remembrance of you. We walked the steps here on earth that you will never get to take. We got to hear your beautiful names called and daddy and I held onto each other as we were handed two white roses, one for each of you. We were able to share time with friends and family who we don't always get to be with, we talked and shared stories on the walk. I loved it. We plan on making it a yearly tradition, a remembrance day for you. We love you more than we can ever express, there are just not the right words. The way I feel about you is different than I've ever felt about anything in the world. I love you both so much and would give anything to have you here with us again. 

After the walk daddy and I walked through the booths gathering information on local bereavement groups. We have been looking for one to attend. There is one that starts soon in Fullerton, so not too far from us. We also got to share your story which was hard. We haven't shared it in a while since our close family and friends all know it. We are also going to start seeing a grief counselor. We are very hopeful it will bring us some peace. I've still been having  a hard time being home I miss you both so much and am so sad that you are gone. I just can't believe it. I feel like if I go back to the NICU you will be there growing stronger. When I wake up at night I think of you. I picture myself in the hospital in our old room. Room 525, I am cozy in bed, well as cozy as I could get. I see our bed side table near me with two water pitchers on top, I see our fan, the window with the curtains closed, the light from the hallway gently seeping through the bottom of the door. I feel you move inside my belly, and I feel peaceful. This is the only peace I am able to get right now. I think about being there every night and I hope so badly to wake up there with the largest belly ever. Life is amazing and completely un-believable. I cannot believe this is my reality. It breaks my heart and crushes my spirit. Its so nice to be able to talk to my friends who understand me. Not many people allow me to talk fully and honestly, most people want to hear that you are fine and then they change the subject quickly. I get it, its an awkward situation and really what can be said. Another thing that has been weighing on me and breaking my heart is friends avoiding me. Its hard, mostly its my friends that are pregnant, or who I was on bed rest with that have since delivered babies that are in the NICU, but thriving. I am so happy for them. I love hearing about their recovery and their babies. We supported each other for so long I feel like I not only lost you and so much of me, but I also lost my close friends, the ones who could relate to me and who cheered me on during my darkest days. Many of them told me that they have been avoiding me because they feel bad sharing their joys with me. That made me really sad. It brings me hope and joy to see others happy, it shows me that there is still good in this world, and its not all unjust. Of course I'm sad, and yes sometimes I will cry after or during our talks, but I'm not sad that you are ok or happy, I'm sad that my life didn't turn out the way we had hoped. 

Tomorrow is your celebration of life party! I am very excited about it. I think we will have a really large turn out. I think it will be a beautiful day filled with wonderful people. I hope it makes you smile to see how much work went into your special day and to see how many people love you!

I love you my angels