Today was such a long, emotionally exhausting day! It was filled with one doctor visit after the next. Questions, concerns, pokes and prods. I've lost more weight:/ I'm at my high school weight. Just crazy! I haven't been eating much that's certain, and when we do eat it's not always the best meals for us. Most days if we eat at all it's what's in the pantry, canned goods, noodles, rice etc. I daily consider if it's worth the effort to eat. Nothing sounds good and it takes so much energy to think of a meal and execute it. Especially when daddy isn't pushing me to make food, and has no cravings himself. On the up side our freezer is the emptiest it's ever been! We can see the shelves! Haha the pantry still needs a week or two. Honestly we eat about one meal a day. I am very good about my water consumption, I always have a big cup with me and refill it multiple times a day. Love water and it's a brainless thing to ingest.
Daddy was off today so he attended all of our appointments with me. It's good for him to be with me because it's so much information I can't absorb it all, and daddy doesn't focus long enough for me to explain it to him. If he's there he listens a bit better. Our OB is truly amazing. He has been so wonderful to us. I'm going to miss him and his staff. We have spent so much time together. He helped us formulate a plan if we ever get pregnant again. It feels good to have ideas and plans in motion for a hopeful successful pregnancy. He said he is excited to deliver our baby one day. I can't wait for that day to come. I constantly think of you. Today was especially rough because at the doctors they all need a lot of information on you. The assistant inputs data on how far along we were, your weights, your names etc. it was hard to go through for all of us. I knew she was struggling with asking the questions but was very delicate with me. Dr Gray, our OB alway makes me feel important. He takes his time and explains everything. He always answers my questions and asks how I am doing. Not just physically, but mentally also. He talks about my mood, my eating habits, and my plans for the next few months and holidays. I never feel rushed with him. He is a wonderful doctor. Another thing he shared with us today was the pathology report from your placentas. They both had acute and chronic infections. That's what threw us into labor:( I'm so sad and sorry. That also explains your white blood count at birth. You were fighting whatever we had. It's crazy, my incompetent cervix exposed you to bacteria in my body, the bacteria caused the contractions, and early delivery. Today daddy and I talked about how we are grateful we had five days with you. If the infection had brewed longer you might have passed away in my belly and we wouldn't have had the chance to be with you as long. We are so sorry for your pain and suffering. We loved you both so much and always will.
As soon as we left Dr Grays office we ran to another doctor. It was our first time meeting with him, and he was lovely. Daddy really liked him which is always a bonus!! He is a specialist and really talked to us about you, our pasts, and what we hope for the future. He seemed very hopeful that he can help us. He and his staff seemed wonderful.
After leaving his office I spoke with Dr Toohey who was our perinatologist. She is so lovely also. She reminds me of someone very special to me. She is so gentle, loving and hip! She just puts me at ease. She asked many of the same questions that the two other doctors asked. How am I, am I sleeping, eating...etc. I was recently prescribed sleeping pills to help me sleep through the night, which I haven't done this entire pregnancy and even more so now. I also changedy anxiety medication to a different one. I have been having the worst anxiety. Leaving the house is almost impossible for me. I freak out. Sure I don't do it in front of people, but leading up to an event I'm panicked, I cry, I worry. 99% of the time I talk myself out of leaving and stay home. Its been rough. Tonight I planned on sleeping at frannys but last night I cried and cried. I didn't sleep at all. I was so anxious. I haven't slept outside of our house or the hospital in so long. Also I think it might be a control thing. Outside of the house I have no control, but here it's my bubble and I feel some control. Losing you I had no control in, so perhaps I'm compartmentalizing and trying to hold onto what I can. No idea just thought of it right now! Any way off topic. I didn't go to Fran's. I'm in bed in my bubble at home. Dr Toohey explained that not only will we experience post partum depression, grief, anxiety etc she also said our experience was a lot like PTSD. I hadn't thought of that, but it really makes sense. We had two miscarriages, then did ivf which was a long hard and emotional process. When we got pregnant we were on medications to help save the pregnancy, we did everything in our power to keep you safe, home bed rest, hospital bed rest, more medications, mag, pneumonia, antibiotics, doctors daily checking on us, emergency c section, delivery, nicu, brain bleeds, respiratory failure, you both passing, cremating you, spreading ashes, walk to remember, celebration, normal life that's completely abnormal. She made excellent points. She asked me to try eating every 3 hours, to walk at least once daily outside, to see a therapist, and to call her if with all the support I still felt awful or didn't feel myself getting better. She even gave me her personal phone number! I'm amazed at how much support and love we have received from doctors, nurses, family and friends. It's amazing.
The support group daddy and I are attending starts next Sunday. I am very eager to go and meet other people like us. To share stories and possibly find hope together. Maybe even make life long friends. Daddy has to work that day so I will go alone. I'm hoping he can make most meetings. He doesn't really have anyone to talk to:( it makes me sad and I know he needs to release it. We are also going to see a therapist, unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover it and it's expensive:( we can probably only afford to visit her once a month. She specializes in post partum depression, anxiety, infertility, grief and infant loss! Can you imagine a better qualified person!!! She is also very sweet. I haven't personally met her yet but I've exchanged emails to set appointments and also confirm coverage of our insurance or lack of. Dumb insurance! Oh well.
Today was Dr Patels birthday! We called him and sang to him;) he liked it. I hope you are with him and giving him a beautiful day!! It was lovely out today my angels.
I miss you more than anything in this world! keep daddy safe tomorrow. I love you
Mommy
Daddy was off today so he attended all of our appointments with me. It's good for him to be with me because it's so much information I can't absorb it all, and daddy doesn't focus long enough for me to explain it to him. If he's there he listens a bit better. Our OB is truly amazing. He has been so wonderful to us. I'm going to miss him and his staff. We have spent so much time together. He helped us formulate a plan if we ever get pregnant again. It feels good to have ideas and plans in motion for a hopeful successful pregnancy. He said he is excited to deliver our baby one day. I can't wait for that day to come. I constantly think of you. Today was especially rough because at the doctors they all need a lot of information on you. The assistant inputs data on how far along we were, your weights, your names etc. it was hard to go through for all of us. I knew she was struggling with asking the questions but was very delicate with me. Dr Gray, our OB alway makes me feel important. He takes his time and explains everything. He always answers my questions and asks how I am doing. Not just physically, but mentally also. He talks about my mood, my eating habits, and my plans for the next few months and holidays. I never feel rushed with him. He is a wonderful doctor. Another thing he shared with us today was the pathology report from your placentas. They both had acute and chronic infections. That's what threw us into labor:( I'm so sad and sorry. That also explains your white blood count at birth. You were fighting whatever we had. It's crazy, my incompetent cervix exposed you to bacteria in my body, the bacteria caused the contractions, and early delivery. Today daddy and I talked about how we are grateful we had five days with you. If the infection had brewed longer you might have passed away in my belly and we wouldn't have had the chance to be with you as long. We are so sorry for your pain and suffering. We loved you both so much and always will.
As soon as we left Dr Grays office we ran to another doctor. It was our first time meeting with him, and he was lovely. Daddy really liked him which is always a bonus!! He is a specialist and really talked to us about you, our pasts, and what we hope for the future. He seemed very hopeful that he can help us. He and his staff seemed wonderful.
After leaving his office I spoke with Dr Toohey who was our perinatologist. She is so lovely also. She reminds me of someone very special to me. She is so gentle, loving and hip! She just puts me at ease. She asked many of the same questions that the two other doctors asked. How am I, am I sleeping, eating...etc. I was recently prescribed sleeping pills to help me sleep through the night, which I haven't done this entire pregnancy and even more so now. I also changedy anxiety medication to a different one. I have been having the worst anxiety. Leaving the house is almost impossible for me. I freak out. Sure I don't do it in front of people, but leading up to an event I'm panicked, I cry, I worry. 99% of the time I talk myself out of leaving and stay home. Its been rough. Tonight I planned on sleeping at frannys but last night I cried and cried. I didn't sleep at all. I was so anxious. I haven't slept outside of our house or the hospital in so long. Also I think it might be a control thing. Outside of the house I have no control, but here it's my bubble and I feel some control. Losing you I had no control in, so perhaps I'm compartmentalizing and trying to hold onto what I can. No idea just thought of it right now! Any way off topic. I didn't go to Fran's. I'm in bed in my bubble at home. Dr Toohey explained that not only will we experience post partum depression, grief, anxiety etc she also said our experience was a lot like PTSD. I hadn't thought of that, but it really makes sense. We had two miscarriages, then did ivf which was a long hard and emotional process. When we got pregnant we were on medications to help save the pregnancy, we did everything in our power to keep you safe, home bed rest, hospital bed rest, more medications, mag, pneumonia, antibiotics, doctors daily checking on us, emergency c section, delivery, nicu, brain bleeds, respiratory failure, you both passing, cremating you, spreading ashes, walk to remember, celebration, normal life that's completely abnormal. She made excellent points. She asked me to try eating every 3 hours, to walk at least once daily outside, to see a therapist, and to call her if with all the support I still felt awful or didn't feel myself getting better. She even gave me her personal phone number! I'm amazed at how much support and love we have received from doctors, nurses, family and friends. It's amazing.
The support group daddy and I are attending starts next Sunday. I am very eager to go and meet other people like us. To share stories and possibly find hope together. Maybe even make life long friends. Daddy has to work that day so I will go alone. I'm hoping he can make most meetings. He doesn't really have anyone to talk to:( it makes me sad and I know he needs to release it. We are also going to see a therapist, unfortunately our insurance doesn't cover it and it's expensive:( we can probably only afford to visit her once a month. She specializes in post partum depression, anxiety, infertility, grief and infant loss! Can you imagine a better qualified person!!! She is also very sweet. I haven't personally met her yet but I've exchanged emails to set appointments and also confirm coverage of our insurance or lack of. Dumb insurance! Oh well.
Today was Dr Patels birthday! We called him and sang to him;) he liked it. I hope you are with him and giving him a beautiful day!! It was lovely out today my angels.
I miss you more than anything in this world! keep daddy safe tomorrow. I love you
Mommy
Your lucky to have great doctors , I start counselling Tuesday with my bereavement midwife and she is amazing , my doctor isn't as good she just signs me off etc and then that's it , nothing else :( x
ReplyDeleteChloe,
DeleteI was so very lucky to have amazing doctors and nurses. They really beco our family since we were in the hospital for so long! I still keep in close touch with many of them. They are excited to help me welcome a baby home one day. Our neonatologist told me he wants to be the one pushing my wheelchair out with me in it holding a baby! It's so nice to have compassionate caring people caring for us! I am so glad you have your midwife! I hope you get peace from your therapy, be honest and take all the time you need to grieve.