I miss you so badly

I hurt so much. I miss you every second of everyday. I can't stop looking at your pictures. I imagine what you would look like as you grow. I want you back so badly. I want to be pregnant with you, I long to hear your hearts beating, to feel you moving inside my tummy! I want it all back. I've been taking this medication that's supposed to help with anxiety and depression. Granted it takes three weeks to work I haven't felt any better. I'm not sure I ever will. I think of being pregnant with you, I wonder if I will ever try to carry a pregnancy again. Daddy and I wanted to be your parents so badly. I am doing research on surrogates. They are so complex, so many legalities, so much to think about. We want a family more than anything. We want you to have siblings here. I want you back with me! Ugh I hate this

Today Harvey kept barking. He rarely barks. I got up to check on him, maybe he saw a spider or some other creepy crawler and wanted to tell us. I walked downstairs to see what was going on and he wasn't there, ruff anothe bark. I went upstairs again and there he was in your room barking. He was looking at the wall and just looking. I sat with him and then called daddy in to be with us. Harvey then laid down in front of your crib. It was pretty weird, but I'm hoping you visited your room. It looks so cute! Your bed is all set up with your arctic bedding, cute whale lamp and penguin pictures. You have polar bear bedding. It's perfect! I wish I could bring you two home to snuggle in it. Gosh I longed to be your mommy here on earth. We already have two angel babies, I never imagined we would have four:( my heart breaks. I wonder if we will ever have a family here. Adoption is so long, tedious and expensive. It's nearly impossible for people who want to be parents to have babies. I'm praying for a wonderful surrogate, I'm praying for my heart to heal. I'm praying for my incision to heal and for love to return to my broken heart. Holidays are my favorite but this year I'm dreading all of them. They will all be painful reminders of what we lost. I don't think I will even decorate this year. I don't want to do anything. Heck I don't even want to work anymore! Probably not a good thing. I've been looking into support groups. Maybe we will find a good one. Daddy and I leave with you to Yosemite soon. I can't wait to get away from here. I'm happy to be alone with daddy, harvey and you two. Our first family vacation. I love you more than anything my sweet babies. Please kiss me from above and shower me with your love. 

Your mommy